Lost Our Lisa

Homer:D'oh!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Bart:Wow, look at all these old people walking with impunity!

Homer:Son, I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Bart:What? They're just walking around like nobody can stop them!

Bart:Barney, you're not drunk yet?

Barney:That's right, boy. I'm on the wagon. I've got a job interview at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant in twenty minutes.

Bart:Wow, that's great, Barney!

Barney:I know. I've got my résumé right here, and I'm wearing my lucky tie. I even showered this morning.

Bart:While we're having fun walking around, teachers are 'morons' for being at teacher conference.

Bart:Wasted! Ha! That's awesome!

Milhouse:Why did you put a 'kick me' sign on my back?

Bart:Oh man, that's a rookie mistake. You're supposed to check for those.

Milhouse:But they're X-ray specs! They're supposed to let me see through clothes!

Milhouse:Oh, wait. I have a lead shirt.

Milhouse:And this prescription is for X-ray specs, not X-ray vision.

Bart:I want to buy some joke accessories to make my face funnier.

Store Clerk:Well, I have bad news. Even with all our products, our clinical assessment is that your face isn't as hilarious as it could be.

Shop Owner:You'll need something to make it stick. Dog feces works great.

Customer:That's disgusting!

Shop Owner:Yeah, but it's free.

Bart:Ew, gross! I'm not doing that.

Bart:I got a better idea.

Bart:Dad! Wake up!

Homer:What?! I'm awake! I'm awake! I already sent those reports to the distributor!

Bart:Hey, can I borrow some super glue?

Homer:Sure, son. What do you need it for?

Bart:Uh... a prank.

Homer:Oh, okay. Here you go.

Bart:Thanks, Dad. I'm gonna glue my face to my butt and walk around school.

Marge:Look at the mummy! I'm taking a picture of the mummy! Get it? Mommy? Mummy? *satisfied giggle*

Marge:Oh no, I exposed all the film!

Homer:That's okay, Marge. They were all terrible anyway.

Marge:Oh, I'm so excited to go to the museum!

Homer:Yeah, yeah, let's just get in line.

Marge:Homer, we've been standing here for three hours.

Homer:Marge, we spent more time in line than we did driving here.

Marge:That's the whole point of going to the museum!

Marge:Warning: In case of ingestion, call mortician, not doctor.

Marge:Well, I suppose you could call this an unusual situation.

Marge:Though for our family, it's pretty much par for the course.

Lisa:Can I take the bus to school alone?

Marge:Absolutely not! You need to learn to drive first.

Lisa:But... you need a license to drive.

Marge:Exactly! And you can't get a license until you're old enough to take the bus.

Lisa:I can't believe I missed the exhibit!

Bart:Yeah, well I can't believe you made me sniff all that glue.

Homer:What did your mother say about the bus?

Lisa:She said it was full of people going places.

Lisa:Dad, instead of driving, you could take the monorail!

Homer:A monorail? Sounds expensive.

Lisa:It costs $5 more than the bus.

Homer:Sold!

Homer:Lisa, you're going to learn to drive today. It'll make you a responsible person.

Lisa:But Dad, I'm only 8 years old.

Homer:Exactly! You need to start early. Marge, hand me those car keys.

Marge:Homer, what are you doing?

Homer:Teaching Lisa responsibility. Now sweetie, you're going to drive us to the nuclear power plant, and I'll be right here in the passenger seat napping.

Lisa:Dad, that's insane!

Homer:No, you know what's insane? Not letting your 8-year-old daughter operate a two-ton vehicle on the highway. That's what an irresponsible parent would do.

Lisa:Well, at least the bus is a way to get around. We're poor, but we're not that poor.

Homer:Actually, we're very poor.

Bus Driver:Do you want the bus?

Lisa:No.

Bus Driver:Alright, I'm calling a taxi.

Homer Simpson:Wait! Wait for me!

Crowd:Move it! Move it!

Barney Gumble:I'm coming through!

Homer Simpson:Oof!

Bus Passenger:This seat is reserved for people with coin purses, not children.

Lisa:What's the deal with bus route 22?

Bus Driver:Well, it used to go down Evergreen Terrace, but then they changed it to go through the industrial district, then back to residential, then they added a loop that goes nowhere, and now I'm not even sure where it goes anymore.

Lisa:Excuse me, sir, could you help me? I'm lost.

Bus Driver:See this sign? It says 'Don't talk to the driver.' You know what I'd like to do? Tap it.

Lisa:The birds are flying south for the winter, so if I follow them, I'll know which way is south, and then I can determine north by the opposite direction.

Homer:Lisa, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Lisa:Dad, I'm using basic ornithological principles.

Homer:Yeah, well, those birds are flying in circles. They're lost too.

Marge:But doctor, won't the glue cause problems?

Doctor:Not at all. The explosion was from the plumbing, not the glue.

Guard:This is Area 51. You're thinking of Area 51-A.

Lisa:Where am I?

Guard:Can't reveal the location of the location.

Cletus:Well, I'll be! Look at all this fine roadkill. This here's gonna make for one elegant weddin' feast!

Cletus:I'm gonna arrange it real nice-like, with the possum as the centerpiece and maybe some armadillo on the side.

Brandine:What's happening?

Cletus:Just keep on pushing, honey.

Cletus:Now Lisa, that there's a dead skunk, and they're real dangerous when they're dead.

Lisa:How can a dead animal be dangerous?

Cletus:Well, their spray glands fill up with stink, and when they die, all that stink's gotta go somewhere. It's like a biological time bomb.

Cletus:So we gotta treat it like an explosive device. I'll call the bomb squad.

Doctor Nick Riviera:These whoopee cushions are no laughing matter. Well, actually they are, but I'm a doctor, so I have to pretend they're serious medical equipment.

Doctor Nick:Well, this condition is more common than you'd think.

Doctor Nick:That'll be $500.

Marge:Why not just turn up the heat?

Doctor:No, no. The key to a successful sauna is psychological torture.

Carl:This here's my Egyptian hat. I got it from a guy who said he got it from a guy who got it from a pharaoh.

Homer:Carl, that's just a regular baseball cap.

Carl:Well, back in ancient Egypt, they had baseball too. They just called it 'hitting the ball with a stick in the desert.'

Homer:Lisa's so smart, she makes me look like an idiot.

Homer:Last week she tried to explain quantum physics to me. I didn't understand a word, so I told her to stop being so smart.

Homer:Then she started using the computer to calculate pi to a million decimal places.

Homer:The computer got so hot from all that thinking, smoke started pouring out of it.

Homer:Then it burst into flames. Lisa said it was a "thermal overload from excessive processing."

Homer:I said it was the computer finally admitting it couldn't handle my daughter's intelligence.

Homer:Now our house smells like burnt circuits and broken dreams.

Carl:Homer, you're not being truthful with me, are you?

Homer:No, no, I'm telling you the truth. I swear on my children's lives.

Carl:Homer...

Homer:Well, okay, not Bart.

Street Vendor:You want to try some authentic cuisine? I got paczki, pierogi, knackwurst, bratwurst, weisswurst...

Lisa:Um, what's that one?

Street Vendor:That's a... well, it's hard to pronounce.

Marge:Homer, why aren't you at work?

Homer:I am at work, Marge. I'm searching the street for loose change. It's my job.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, I don't believe we've met.

Homer:But sir, I've worked here for years!

Mr. Burns:Have you now? Well, you're fired.

Snake:Hiss! Your money or your life!

Vendor:Oh no! Not my fifty cents! My life is ruined! I'm bankrupt! My family will starve! This is the worst day of my entire existence!

Homer:I'll trade you these balloons for access to the equipment.

Worker:How many balloons?

Homer:Three.

Worker:Are they helium?

Homer:Yes.

Worker:Then you've got a deal. Helium balloons are the best kind.

Homer:Oh, God, help me! No, wait... Superman, help me! Superman, if you're out there, save me!

Lisa:Dad, you should see a doctor. That drawbridge closed right on your head.

Homer:Eh, I'm fine. My brain's probably just a little swollen. It'll go down.

Homer:You know, kids, taking stupid risks is what separates us from the animals... except the weasels.

Homer:We'll break into the museum!

Marge:Homer, that's illegal.

Homer:Only if we get caught. And we won't get caught because I'm an expert at breaking and entering.

Marge:You broke into our own house last week.

Homer:Exactly! I'm getting better!

Bart:Hey Lis, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you a nerd.

Lisa:Oh Bart, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been so condescending.

Bart:So we're cool?

Lisa:Yeah, we're cool.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Lisa:We're breaking into the museum? Dad, that's a felony. You have a criminal record.

Homer:Oh, that's just some stuff from college.

Lisa:Wow, an authentic Egyptian exhibit! This is amazing!

Bart:Yeah, amazing. We should break in tonight and steal some stuff.

Lisa:Bart! That's horrible!

Bart:What? We'd be like archaeologists. You know, making discoveries.

Lisa:Archaeologists don't break in and steal things, Bart.

Bart:Sure they do. They just call it 'excavation' instead of 'breaking and entering.'

Homer:Well, we've already come this far. What's the difference if we touch it?

Lisa:Dad, that's the worst logic I've ever heard.

Homer:Maybe, but once you cross that line, you're committed. Might as well enjoy the crime.

Lisa:Wait, I think I know what's making that sound.

Lisa:It's just the ice maker.

Lisa:We uncovered the secret.

Homer:We? A minute ago it was all 'I this' and 'I that'.

Homer:Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo...

Lisa:Dad, that's not an ancient Egyptian song. That's the Duff beer commercial jingle.

Homer:So?