Natural Born Kissers

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I'm going to the store to buy some beer.

Homer:D'oh! I forgot my wallet... But I went to the store anyway!

Homer:And I came back home! Woo-hoo!

Homer:Oh boy, a funeral program! Let me see who died... Uh, who's 'Gerald Samson'?

Marge:Homer, that was your college roommate.

Homer:Oh yeah... or was he? I have no idea who that is.

Marge:Homer, whose funeral program is this?

Homer:I don't know. I found it in my jacket pocket.

Marge:Well, it says here he died in 1987.

Homer:Oh. So he's... still dead?

Lisa:Bart, what are you doing?

Bart:Playing with my toy cars.

Lisa:It looks like you're throwing them at people.

Bart:I am throwing them at people.

Rod Flanders:Actually, sir, that's not quite right. The capital of France is Paris, not Pairs.

Grampa Simpson:Why you little! Don't you dare correct me, you pious little weasel! I fought in World War Two! I know where the dang capital of France is!

Grampa:Now listen here, if you kids don't behave, I'm gonna have to get a switch and tan your hides!

Lisa:I'll help you find one, Grampa!

Bart:Hey Mom and Dad, I want to show you guys something really romantic.

Homer:Romantic? Since when does Bart know anything about romance?

Bart:Ay caramba, Dad, I know plenty about romance!

Marge:That's sweet, honey, but what could you possibly teach us?

Bart:Well, first you gotta compliment her on her appearance...

Homer:Hey, that's not a bad idea. Marge, you look... pink.

Marge:Oh Homer...

Bart:No, Dad, you gotta be more specific!

Captain:Ladies and gentlemen, we're celebrating our air-niversary!

Captain:That's right, it's been one year since we've had a crash!

Homer:This plane is being flown like a madman! Who's flying this thing?

Pilot:I am, sir.

Homer:Well, you're doing a terrible job!

Pilot:Actually, I'm just the valet. The pilot called in sick. I parked your car once, so I figured I could handle this.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me there's been a perfectly good wedding cake sitting in the freezer this whole time and nobody thought to tell me?

Marge:Homer, it's been there since our wedding day. We were saving it for a special occasion.

Homer:A special occasion?! The only special occasion I need is cake in my mouth! And now it's all freezer burnt and gross. Do you have any idea what you've done to me?

Homer:Look at them, Marge. They're so happy. I bet they're having the time of their lives up there.

Marge:Homer, they're made of plastic.

Homer:So? That doesn't mean they can't party. In fact, I bet they're partying right now. Look, the groom is doing a keg stand!

Homer:Hey Marge, wanna... you know... do the thing?

Marge:Homer, that's the least romantic thing you've ever said.

Homer:Well, what do you want me to say?

Marge:Something that makes me feel special, not like I'm on your to-do list!

Homer:Fine. Marge, will you please participate in marital relations at your earliest convenience?

Marge:Homer, I want you to take charge tonight.

Homer:Take charge? But honey, you're the woman. Isn't that your job?

Marge:No, Homer. I want you to be more assertive and romantic.

Homer:Assertive? I thought that's what I do when I burp the alphabet!

Homer:Marge, tonight's the night. I've got candles, rose petals, and I even shaved my back.

Marge:Oh Homer, that's so sweet!

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Marge:Homer, what's wrong?

Homer:I can't get my leg up there. I'm stuck!

Marge:Let me help you. Just... a little to the left.

Homer:No, your other left! Oof! The bed's on fire!

Marge:That's the candles, Homer!

Homer:Even worse!

Homer:Oh Marge, I love you so much.

Marge:Oh Homer, me too.

Homer:Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Yes you are!

Marge:That's right, you're such a good boy! Such a good boy!

Homer:Marge, that was...

Marge:I know, Homer. I know.

Homer:Did you hear that sound?

Marge:What sound?

Homer:I think Santa's Little Helper wants to go for a walk!

Marge:Homer, we were just—

Homer:Come on, boy! Let's go!

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? He's been cooped up all day!

Homer:D'oh! The meatloaf! My precious meatloaf!

Marge:Homer, that's been on the floor for three days.

Homer:Floor?! I thought it was just... aging!

Homer:Not the refrigerator! Do you know what this means?

Marge:The food will spoil?

Homer:Worse! I'll have to eat things that are room temperature! Room temperature, Marge!

Marge:Is this how you imagined married life?

Homer:No, I figured I'd be dead by now.

Radio Host:Well, caller, instead of wasting money on counseling, why not just get a divorce?

Radio Host:It's much cheaper and you'll be miserable alone instead of miserable together.

Homer:Don't worry, I'll get us out of this mud. I just need to use more gas!

Homer:Full speed ahead! We'll hydroplaneate right out of here!

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, we didn't have fancy things like 'directions' or 'sense.' We just wandered into the woods and whatever happened, happened. Lost my shoe to a bear once. Or was it a very angry mailman? Can't remember. Anyway, I was there for three weeks. Turned out I was in my own backyard the whole time.

Bart:So what do you do all day at the nursing home, Grampa?

Grampa:Well, we sit around and talk about our various ailments. Yesterday, I told everyone about my ingrown toenail for three hours.

Bart:That sounds boring.

Grampa:It is! That's why they keep us on life support — so we don't have to do anything else.

Bart:Wait, they keep you on life support just so you don't get bored?

Grampa:Well, as long as the Medicare checks keep coming in. The day those stop, they're pulling the plug.

Grampa Simpson:I earned a Nazi medal for my bravery in clearing mines during the war.

Homer Simpson:Dad, that doesn't sound right.

Grampa Simpson:Well, I was very brave!

Grampa:Well, I've got a metal hip, a metal knee, metal plates in my skull...

Doctor:Mr. Simpson, you also have a metal pancreas.

Grampa:A metal pancreas? I didn't know about that!

Homer:We're stuck in mud.

Farmer:Get off my land or I'll use this pitchfork! You might say I'm about to... fork over some pain!

Farmer:Who's been in my barn? I found a media room!

Farmer:A media room? In MY barn? What's next, a wine cellar?

Bart:Ugh, get a room!

Lisa:Yeah, seriously. We're eating here.

Bart:What's with all the lovey-dovey stuff, man?

Lisa:Yeah, Mom and Dad have been acting really weird.

Homer:Well, kids, your mother and I were just... let's call it 'making hay in the barn.'

Marge:Homer!

Pirate crew member:Wait, if we're burying the treasure, aren't we just going to dig it back up later?

Pirate captain:That's the whole point of burying it!

Pirate crew member:But then why bury it in the first place?

Homer:Is it gold? Is it silver? Is it a rare bottle cap worth thousands?

Lisa:Dad, it's just a bottle cap.

Homer:So... thousands then?

Lenny:Come on Homer, let's go to Moe's!

Carl:Yeah, we're buying the first round!

Homer:Sorry guys, I can't. Marge and I have a date night.

Barney:A date? With your wife?

Homer:That's right. And nothing's gonna stop me. Not even free beer.

Lenny:Did he just say no to free beer?

Carl:Homer's in love.

Barney:Hey Homer, can I come along on your romantic getaway?

Homer:No, Barney. This is for me and Marge.

Barney:Aw, come on! It'll be fun!

Homer:Barney, you're a drunk and you smell like a distillery. Plus, you'd probably hit on Marge, and I'd have to hurt you. So... no.

Homer:Marge, finally we're alone. Let's make this romantic night one we'll never forget.

Marge:Oh Homer, yes. Just us and the sound of the waves...

Innkeeper:Excuse me, I was just coming in to turn down the— Oh my God!

Homer:Get out!

Innkeeper:I'm so sorry! I'll just— I'm leaving!

Marge:Oh my God, my heart is racing! I've never done anything like this before!

Marge:I... I kind of liked it. Is this what it feels like to be adventurous?

Marge:Homer, that was so thrilling! The danger, the risk of being caught!

Homer:Yeah, and you know what really gets me excited? When you're all dangerous and adventurous like that.

Homer:It's like you're a whole new woman. A woman who might actually leave me.

Homer:Wow, Marge! I didn't know you had it in you!

Marge:Well, there's a lot you don't know about me, Homer.

Homer:Mmm... adventurous Marge. D'oh, I'm the luckiest guy in the world!

Lisa:Bart, we've only found trash.

Bart:That's what they said about me, and look how I turned out!

Lisa:Bart, this could be worth a fortune! It's a rare film artifact.

Bart:Ay caramba! How much are we talking?

Lisa:Well, emotionally it's priceless. Historically significant.

Bart:Yeah, yeah, but what about actual money?

Lisa:That's... that's not really the point, Bart.

Bart:It's the only point, man.

Homer:Remember this spot? This is where we first made out.

Marge:Oh Homer, those were the days.

Homer:And right over there behind those rocks... that's where Bart was conceived.

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? I'm being romantic!

Homer:Maybe I should cut back on the drinking while Marge is pregnant. What if it affects the baby?

Marge:Homer, that's very responsible of you.

Homer:Yeah, well... *takes a sip of beer* ...I'm sure it'll be fine.

Narrator:It was not fine.

Rick:Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...

Ilsa:Rick, we'll always have Paris.

Rick:Here's looking at you, kid.

Homer:This is the lamest movie ever! Where's the action?

Rick:Of all the gin joints— BLAM BLAM BLAM!

Ilsa:Rick, no!

Rick:Here's looking at you, kid! KABOOM!

Studio Executive:Kid, you got talent, but you're also fat and ugly. We'll need to fix that before we can green-light your picture.

Lisa:I'm not fat or ugly!

Studio Executive:That's the spirit, kid. Now get out of my office.

Studio Executive:Back in the old days of Hollywood, we studio executives were corrupt, power-hungry, and willing to do anything for a buck. But that was then. Today's executives are much more ethical and principled.

Studio Executive:We don't make those kinds of mistakes anymore. We've learned from the past.

Studio Executive:Now we make new, original mistakes.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'll be! My son Rod's got hands like a couple of catcher's mitts! Perfect for golf!

Rod Flanders:Thanks, Dad!

Ned Flanders:Now if only he could use those meat hooks to retrieve my golf ball from this infernal windmill.

Homer:Hey! You're supposed to yell 'fore'!

Homer:And keep your clothes on during play!

Moe:There's something in that windmill? Well, we'll just gas it out!

Chief Wiggum:You see, when people get naked, they're like animals. And when animals get scared, they either fight or they run away.

Chief Wiggum:So I'm thinking... maybe if we act like a bigger animal, they'll get scared and run away.

Chief Wiggum:ROOOAAARRR!

Chief Wiggum:What is it, boy? You've lost the scent?

Chief Wiggum:Well, I guess we'll have to call it a day. Good work out there, Rex.

Gil:Well, hello there, folks! I couldn't help but notice you two lovebirds are in the market for a vehicle! Why, I've got some fantastic deals on pre-owned automobiles that'll make you want to keep your clothes on! I mean, keep them in the car! What I'm trying to say is, this 1987 Buick LeSabre is perfect for romantic getaways, and it's got a spacious back seat for, uh... conversation!

Marge:I'm worried about what they'll say about us in the foreign newspapers.

Homer:Who cares what those people think?

Marge:Well, what if they print something bad about me in the Portuguese papers? I've been working so hard on my image there.

Gil:Well, folks, looks like you've found my home sweet home! Yeah, I've been living up here in this balloon for three months. Ever since I lost my job at the car dealership. Say, you wouldn't happen to know anyone looking to hire a down-on-his-luck salesman, would ya?

Homer:Alright, let's see... up, down, left, right... and... time travel?

Homer:Wait, that's not right. Let me try that again.

Homer:Okay Marge, pull the red string to inflate it.

Marge:Like this?

Homer:No no no, the OTHER red string!

Marge:Oops.

Homer:D'oh!

Reverend Lovejoy:Now, as I was saying about the sanctity of marriage—

Reverend Lovejoy:Please, everyone, keep your eyes on the altar!

Reverend Lovejoy:Hymn number 247! Let us sing loudly!

Crowd member:Look at the size of that blimp!

Crowd member:That's not a blimp, that's Homer Simpson!

Crowd member:Oh, I was talking about Homer.

Homer:Yeah, go ahead, take pictures. I'm sure this will look great on your Instagram.

Crowd:*everyone immediately pulls out phones and starts taking pictures*

Homer:I'm not reading this trash! I'm reading this important column by a highbrow intellectual.

Homer:See? 'Dear Drunken Oaf' — very sophisticated.

Homer:Why'd they have to look? Why'd they all have to look at me?

Homer:I was just standing there, minding my own business, and suddenly everyone's staring. The pointing, the laughing, the taking pictures with their phones...

Homer:I'll never forget the look of disgust on their faces. It's burned into my brain forever.

Bart:We've been abandoned.