Pilot

So does he have a hump and a hairpiece?

Wait, does he eat chalk?

It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.

Sounds like a date to me.

Then I look down and I realize there is a phone.. there. - Instead of - That's right!

They weren't looking at you before?

Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.

He says, 'Hello,' I want to kill myself.

I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.. and tied it around my neck. - Cookie?

Just leave my aura alone, okay? - Fine, be murky.

You never knew she was a lesbian?

She didn't know. How should I know?

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?

So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing.. 'I'll never have grandchildren,' was what? A wrong number?

Strip joints! Hey, you're single. Have some hormones.

And I just want a million dollars!

You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry.

How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. I always knew he looked familiar, but..

Tuna or egg salad! Decide!

I'll have whatever Christina's having.

If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Push her down the stairs! Push her! Push her down the stairs!

All my life, everyone's always told me, 'You're a shoe!' 'You're a shoe!' What if I don't want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse? Or a hat?

You can see where he'd have trouble.

Wait! I said maybe!

Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens... La la la something And noodles with string

I helped.

Like there's a rule, or something?

Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.

Does he sell it, drink it? Or he just complains a lot?

I didn't catch your name. Paul?

I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot.. until it starts to get red.

Although, Aruba. This time of year? Talk about your.. big lizards.

I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art But your love Oh, your love, your love Is like a giant pigeon Crapping on my heart

I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever.. and I cannot feel my legs.

I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket. - Which goes where? - I have no idea.

She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.

I should've known when she went to the dentist five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?

Say her - Leg?

You probably think it's about making love with your socks on, but it isn't.

I'm divorced. - I'm only 26, and I'm divorced! - Shut up!

We haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento.

Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream. Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there. Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla. You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.

Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!

I don't know if I'm hungry or horny. - Then stay out of my freezer.

It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.

Ever since she left me.. I haven't been able to perform.. sexually.

Being spit on is probably not what you need right now.

We are gathered here to join Joanie Louise Cunningham.. and Charles. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi..

But Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference.

Do the words, 'Billy, don't be a hero,' mean anything to you?

Andrea's the screamer. Angela has cats.

I think it's, 'If I can invade Poland, there's nothing I can't do.'

Oh, good. Lenny and Squiggy are here.

Last night was like all my birthdays, both graduations.. plus the barn-raising scene in Witness.

What the hell do you do on a real date?

Unless you saw the Wee One's production of Pinocchio.. at the little theater in the park? - It was a job!

Once I was a wooden boy A little wooden boy

You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Well, it's like that. With feelings.

I'm pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle, you're having sex.

Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs.. and men with emotional problems can hear?

They're my 'I don't need a job.. I've got great boots' boots.

I know that. That's why I was getting married.

I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields. And then he killed himself. Then I found aromatherapy.

The word you're looking for is: 'Anyway..'

Rachel, that was a library card.

If you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it.

You probably didn't know this, but in high school.. I had a major crush on you. - I knew. - You did? - I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother. - I did.

I just grabbed a spoon.

I said you had a nice butt. It's just not a great butt.

Could you give this to that guy over there? - Go ahead. Thank you. - Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas. I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minnelli..