The One With The Sonogram At The End

Monica:Kissing is so important. It tells you everything about a person.

Chandler:Yeah, well for us it's like a stand-up comedian. It's like, you know, the warm-up act before Pink Floyd comes on.

Joey:See, for men, sex is like a concert, right? You go, you enjoy yourself, you leave. For women, it's like a relationship. They want cuddling, they want intimacy... they're looking for the comedian again!

Rachel:Oh, so you don't want to cuddle after sex? Fine. No more sex for you.

Phoebe:Wait, so you're all in a band together? That's so cool! What do you play?

Ross:Does he look angry to you?

Phoebe:Well, yeah. I mean, look at him. He looks like he hasn't called anyone in three days.

Phoebe:So the cave people are like, 'I can't believe you didn't text me back,' and the other cave person's like, 'Well, you didn't acknowledge my feelings!'

Ross:Actually, cave people would be more concerned with immediate survival threats like predators and starvation. They wouldn't have the cognitive framework for processing modern relationship anxieties.

Ross:Oh my God, is that Carol? I have to get out of here. I can't face her right now.

Ross:I'm going to prehistoric times... I mean, I'm going to the dinosaur exhibit. Bye!

Ross:Carol, I have to say, you look really... hard today.

Carol:Thank you, Ross.

Ross:I mean, you're really... stiff. In a good way.

Carol:Ross...

Ross:What I'm trying to say is you seem very... erect. Professionally.

Ross:So... you're still a lesbian?

Carol:Well, I'm... I'm still exploring that.

Chandler:A baby! That's wonderful! And the timing is perfect — right after you've decided to move in with your lesbian ex-wife!

Chandler:This is just like Three's Company!

Phoebe:I've seen it.

Joey:Am I done? No, I'm not done. I'm never done. Food is my life. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm bored. My stomach and I, we have an understanding. It says 'feed me,' and I listen.

Monica:It's a ball of paper.

Monica:I was using it to clean up some spilled coffee, and then I just kept folding it, and folding it, and folding it...

Monica:And now I can't stop! I'm gonna die doing this!

Monica:I can't believe I'm giving my parents ammunition to criticize me.

Chandler:Yeah, because 'she didn't fluff the pillows' is really going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

Phoebe:I mean, you're, like, all chaotic and twirly, you know? Not in a good way.

Monica:Well, Ross was born first, so he got to be the favorite. It's like he was crowned king at birth. Chandler and I? We were just the supporting cast in the Royal Family of Geller.

Monica:Oh my God!

Rachel:What? What is it?

Monica:Ugly Naked Guy is doing sit-ups... naked!

Rachel:I'm just gonna tell him the truth. I'm gonna walk in there and I'm gonna say, 'Barry, I left you at the altar because I'm a shallow, self-centered woman who didn't know what she wanted.'

Rachel:And then I'm gonna say, 'But now I do know what I want, and it's to be that way... but in a different city.'

Monica:Have you checked everywhere you've been?

Joey:Oh wow, that's a great idea! I'll just retrace my steps to all the places I've been in my entire life.

Chandler:Did you just say 'doy'? That's the first time in human history that word has been used sarcastically.

Rachel:Well, at least the ring is insured.

Phoebe:You're supposed to chew it, not dig through it with your fingers.

Ross:Carol's pregnant.

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God! I found my ring! I found my ring!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Monica was all worried about her pillows, and the whole time Ross is making a baby!

Ross:She said I could be as involved as I want to be. I could help her pick out the crib, I could be in the delivery room, I could cut the umbilical cord.

Ross:And she really means it. She's being so great about this whole thing. I mean, she left me for a woman, but... I still love her, you know?

Chandler:Well, I mean, he was there for the conception, wasn't he? I think his involvement is pretty much complete.

Joey:Is it still good?

Jack Geller:What is this? It tastes like cardboard.

Judy Geller:That is cardboard. I ran out of plates.

Mrs. Geller:Monica owns a restaurant.

Monica:I'm a chef.

Mrs. Geller:Well, same thing.

Monica:Yeah, well at least she got to the altar. Some of us can't even get a guy to stick around for more than a few dates.

Jack Geller:Monica, I have to say, I'm really impressed by your independence. You've done so well on your own.

Monica:Thanks, Dad.

Jack Geller:I mean, not many people can handle being alone like you do.

Monica:I'm not alone, Dad. I have friends.

Jack Geller:Right, right. But you know, when you were a kid, you were always so... content by yourself.

Monica:What are you saying?

Jack Geller:Well, most children need constant attention and interaction, but you? You were perfectly happy playing by yourself in your room for hours.

Monica:Dad...

Jack Geller:I'm just saying, it's a real gift to be able to entertain yourself when no one else wants to.

Judith Geller:You know, Monica, I think it's wonderful that you're not one of those driven, ambitious women. It takes a special kind of person to be content with so little.

Monica:Mom, I'm a head chef at a restaurant.

Judith Geller:Yes, well, that's very nice, Michelle.

Ross:Mom, Dad... Carol's pregnant. And she's... she's a lesbian.

Jack Geller:

Judy Geller:

Ross:

Phoebe:My sister Ursula, she's like, so successful. She's a businesswoman, very high-powered, very driven.

Chandler:That's great. What does she do?

Phoebe:She's a masseuse.

Chandler:Yeah, well, my parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.

Rachel:So, um, I need advice from someone who's been through a recent breakup.

Ross:Well, I mean, I wouldn't say 'been through' exactly. We were on a break!

Rachel:Right, a break.

Ross:A break! Not a breakup. There's a difference!

Rachel:Okay, here's an idea. What if we just switch? You go break up with Emily, and I'll go tell my boss I'm quitting.

Ross:That's... that's not how this works.

Rachel:Why not? How hard can it be?

Ross:Rach, you can't just break up with my girlfriend!

Rachel:Well, you're better at the whole 'caring' thing anyway. I'll just tell her she's terrible and storm out.

Carol:Well, the reason it makes that noise is because air is being forced through the speculum at a high velocity.

Susan:It's actually quite fascinating from a medical standpoint.

Ross:Could it BE any more uncomfortable?

Barry:So how have you been?

Rachel:Honestly? I've been a mess. I left my fiancé at the altar, I'm living with a girl I barely know, I have no job, no money, and I'm completely lost.

Barry:Well, that's... that's too bad.

Ross:Well, we could name her Minnie.

Carol:Minnie? Like Minnie Mouse?

Ross:No, just Minnie. Although, I suppose it could be associated with Disney, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Rachel:Even worse - he went with her maid of honor

Rachel:Barry, your hair looks different. Did you get a transplant?

Barry:It's not a transplant, it's hair plugs. There's a difference.

Rachel:Wait, you got contact lenses? But you always said you hated them!

Barry:Yeah, well, I met someone. She thinks glasses are a turn-off.

Rachel:So you're changing who you are for a girl?

Barry:It's just contacts, Rachel. It's not that big of a deal.

Ross:What about naming the baby after my grandmother? Her name was Erica.

Carol:Erica? We're not naming our daughter Erica.

Susan:That's the name of the lesbian couple on Ellen.

Ross:So?

Carol:So we don't want people thinking we named her after a TV show.

Susan:Besides, we want an original name.

Ross:I'm sorry, but I carried that baby for nine months. I think I get to have a say in what we name it.

Susan:Well, I helped make the baby.

Ross:Yeah, well, I did all the work. You just had to show up for like twenty minutes.

Ross:I mean, I'm donating my sperm. That's a pretty big deal.

Susan:Oh yeah, it's backbreaking work. What do you do, just sit in a room and think about... well, I don't want to know what you think about.

Chandler:It looks like a blob.

Chandler:A little blob with a heartbeat. It's like a Klingon.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! I see it! It looks like a little peanut!

Rachel:Oh, that's wonderful! I'm so happy for you both. May you have a lifetime of happiness together. And Barry, I hope your new wife appreciates what she's getting - a man who leaves his socks all over the apartment and never remembers anniversaries. But I'm sure Mindy won't mind! You two are just perfect for each other. I hope you have lots of beautiful children who inherit your stubbornness and her complete lack of sense of humor. Congratulations!

Rachel:You know what? I'm petty, I'm shallow, and I'm self-absorbed.

Rachel:But I'm also a lot of fun.