Mike Hannigan

...but these cartons are so flinging, flanging hard to open!

-Intrigued? -You're flinging, flanging right I am!

-Maybe you and I should do something. -All in good time, my love. All in good time.

-Maybe they don't trust us. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town. The time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it with Monica's guest towels?

-Hey, I washed those. -No, you didn't. Yeah, that didn't sound like me.

-What stuff? -Monica's chicken parm. I'll take care of it.

Okay.

I am Mike. - Attaboy.

Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody's asked me that.

From school. - We met in college. I mean high school.

Mike, attorney at law! Ha, ha. Actually, I just gave up my practice. - What? That's the kind of thing you usually run by me. Ha, ha.

Six. - What are you doing? I said seven!

I didn't hit his mother with a car.

Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer.

Apparently, I'm not a funny guy.

Because I was told that I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl, which I did.

There isn't a piano here. - That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.

[Mike performs air piano]

Do you have a compact in your purse? -No. You look great.

Unless... You're not gonna try and get me to join a cult, are you? No, it's just, you know, you have that look. Damn Supercuts!

Vikram? What? That's a real name.

I'm trying to remember the last time I opened a door and you weren't there.

You gave up that right when you slept with Rachel. RacheI? I thought she just had a baby with Ross. Yeah, well...But Emma's birth certificate might say 'Geller'...but her eyes say 'Mukherjee.'

That is so wrong. And on top of that, he's a glue sniffer?

And you don't have to worry about glue-sniffing with me. Although, I do smell the occasional Magic Marker.

Can I think it's cool that you kissed me...and also want to kiss you again? And be a little concerned about the Magic Markers?

Phoebe needing both hands to hold Mike's hand

If you were bigger you'd hit me

Mike offering gum instead of a key, then finding five dollars

Don't point your finger at me! Why? What are you gonna do about it?

Wow. You look... like my mom.

What are you doing? -Trying to get your parents to like me.

But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?

'Pervert Parade'? -'Ode to a Pubic Hair'?

Who are, by the way, the most sinfully boring people I've ever met in my life.

I got beer. I got bottled breast milk. Why don't we start with the beer.

Do you have one here? No. Okay.

I don't really like to talk about it. That's okay. We'll talk about something else.

Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.

What's the difference between beer and lager? I don't know.

We could look it up. Things are about to get wild.

To the land where time stands still?

But really, how much dirtier can it get? Oh, Mike.

It starts with a V and ends with an X. And hopefully with a T-O in the middle. You know, come to think of it, the capital of Peru is 'Vtox.'

I don't know, but they don't sound like spa treatments.

No. No, to test his neck strength.

Oh, my God! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom! We'll have to think of a new name. I don't know, I kind of like 'Bob' for a girl.

Well, maybe it wasn't Bob. Maybe it was a mouse. Susie?

Yeah, not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a 'love the one you're with' kind of animal.

Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Maybe that's him.

I'm not here to judge.

I put that tube top on as a joke.

Why don't you turn them inside-- Done it.

Partly because I live above a known crack den...

Unless they're playing 'This Is What My Sister Would Look Like.' Yeah, she's not so cute.

Honey, leave the terrible jokes to me.

I don't have any porn. Back of the closet in my bedroom.

Well, I think the reason people laughed is that it's a play on the word 'roomie.'

You know, sometimes your words, they hurt.

And...hernia.

Sorry. I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name.

Just to be with you one more night. I want that too. But is that gonna make it too hard? It can't be any harder than this.

If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I-- I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved. Everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time... I never would have stopped.

I knew you'd be here! Aw, crap.

Actually, yeah, that'd be great.

I wouldn't brag about that, big guy.

I wouldn't brag about that, big guy.

Knock that dog off her head.

'Serve the ball, chump.' Okay, better comebacks, Mike. Better comebacks.

There's no one else in the world I would ask to marry me three times.

Well, I think you're going to appreciate the crap out of this one

Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay

Not necessary - Buffay is spelled B-u-f-f-a-y

Oh, look, we get this free T-shirt. Uh, actually that's the shirt I wore to the gym

We're seriously asking for the money back?

Oh my God! I love your shirt

This feels really good

She could've been talking about either one of us

And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian. Oh, is that you? No

You don't know military time? I must have been in missile training the day they taught that.

Okay, so 1800 minus 12... is 1788.

That why your hand's against my crotch? - That is why.

Oh, a wiseacre. Strike two.

Hey, unless we move in with you, Dad.

That must have been one lousy movie. That was me!

I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog, Chappy.

I crushed a pill and put it in her drink.

Call me Mrs. Hannigan. / Mrs. Hannigan? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock. / You're kidding, right? / Nope.

Then I'm gonna change my name. / Great. Okay, what are you gonna change it to? / Crap Bag.

Mike Crap Bag? / No. No 'Mike.' No, just 'Crap Bag.' First name: Crap. Last name: Bag.

It's fun, it's different, and no one else has a name like that.

If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

How about Buffay-Hannigan? / Really? / Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock.

Do you even know what a banana hammock is? / It's a funny word. / It's a Speedo.

Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kind of dull.