The One With Rosss New Girlfriend

Rachel:I have to tell you something. I have to tell you right now.

Rachel:It can't wait. It's important.

Rachel:I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.

Rachel:I'm fine, I'm totally fine.

Ross:Rachel, you're bleeding.

Rachel:Oh, Mr. Back From The Orient! How was your trip?

Rachel:Oh, I brought you these flowers. I thought, you know, since you're from... I mean, I wasn't sure what you'd like, so I got your favorite kind.

Julie:That's so sweet, but why would my being American make a difference?

Rachel:Wait, you're American?

Julie:Yeah, I'm from Connecticut.

Rachel:Well, I guess I can use these to cover up the bruise on my arm.

Monica:I need a word that's bigger than huge.

Chandler:Monica, I can't think of anything bigger than huge. I mean, there's 'gigantic,' 'enormous,' 'colossal'...

Monica:No, those aren't big enough!

Chandler:Well, what about... this big?

Phoebe:Vidal Sassoon. But me? I'm Phoebe Buffay. If you don't look good, we don't look good.

Phoebe:Oh no, oh no, oh no... *clutches chest* I have to tell you something about Ross and it's really bad. *staggers backwards* He... he... *collapses to floor* SOMEBODY CALL 911! I'M HAVING A STROKE!

Chandler:Oh, I know! You're trying to tell us that you've been in a terrible accident and you've lost the ability to speak in complete sentences!

Julie:I know I look like I just got dragged through a bush backwards. Can we start over? Pretend you never saw me like this?

Chandler:We'll try, but the image is pretty burned into our brains.

Monica:You look fine!

Julie:You're sweet, but I'm not buying it.

Ross:So we're in London, and Julie's about to tell me something really important...

Joey:She got food poisoning from the fish and chips!

Ross:Joey! I was building up to that!

Monica:Isn't it great that Ross is meeting Julie?

Rachel:Oh, it's great. I'm really happy. I'm so happy I could just cry. In fact, I think I will.

Rachel:What? It's a real thing! 'Excitement with a side of aggression!' Everyone says it!

Monica:Don't tell me! I want to be surprised by my own life!

Rachel:So? What did he say?

Chandler:He said he'd think about it.

Rachel:That's it? 'He'll think about it'? Well, I'm not making you any more coffee until you get me details!

Ross:Who told you to move on?

Chandler:God?

Ross:It was you, Chandler.

Chandler:Wait, so I'm Ross's inner voice? That's... actually kind of cool. I mean, think about it - I could be God's vessel. Maybe I'm the chosen one. Maybe this whole time I've been guiding humanity toward enlightenment and I didn't even know it.

Rachel:Oh my God, I just realized I didn't charge table six for their appetizers!

Ross:So just charge them now.

Rachel:No, no, no—you have to go tell them. You have to go back there and tell them I made a mistake.

Ross:Why do I have to tell them?

Rachel:Because if you tell them, it's like, oh, this cute guy made a mistake. But if I tell them, I'm just a dumb waitress who can't do her job!

Rachel:How is that a silver lining? Ross chose Julie!

Chandler:Well, if you think about it, at least he made a decision. He's not wishy-washy.

Rachel:Chandler, he chose her over me!

Chandler:Yeah, but he chose. That's... that's something. Look, I'm not saying it's good, I'm just saying my brain is doing some really impressive gymnastics right now to make it not horrible.

Chandler:Look at all these guys. When did all the nerds get hot?

Monica:They didn't get hot, Chandler. They just got gym memberships.

Monica:Guess what I'm thinking.

Phoebe:Oh! You're thinking about that thing with the guy and the... whipped cream?

Monica:Phoebe, you know what? You're right. I have been thinking about that.

Phoebe:See? I'm psychic!

Monica:No, you're not psychic. You literally just planted that idea in my head five minutes ago.

Phoebe:That's what psychics do, Monica.

Monica:I know I can be a little controlling, but I'm really working on it. I'm trying to be more considerate of people's feelings.

Phoebe:That's great, Monica.

Monica:Like, instead of telling you that your song was terrible, I said it was 'unique.' And instead of saying your apartment smells like a dead animal, I called it 'rustic.'

Phoebe:Wait, what?

Joey:Do I need to get these clothes altered?

Chandler:Well, they take the pants, they rip out the seams, they let out the crotch, they take in the waist, they let down the hem, and they sew it all back together. It's called tailoring.

Joey:When did I get my first suit?

Joey:Let me think... I was born in 1968...

Joey:So in 1985 I would have been... uh... carry the one...

Chandler:You know what? I've learned something today. Never, and I mean never, use a Q-tip past the fluff.

Ross:Okay, I love you. Bye.

Julie:I love you too. Bye.

Ross:Bye.

Julie:Bye.

Ross:Bye.

Julie:Bye.

Ross:...You didn't hang up either, did you?

Julie:No.

Chandler:And that's the sound he makes when he's happy. Could I BE any more in love with my best friend's baby?

Monica:I think Rachel might be a little upset.

Joey:Wait, so if I was born in 1968, that makes me... 27? No, 28? Actually, I think I'm 29.

Joey:You know what? I'm pretty sure I'm 30 now. Yeah, definitely 30.

Phoebe:Close your eyes.

Monica:Why? What are you going to do?

Phoebe:Just close your eyes!

Monica:No! The last time you asked me to close my eyes, you put a tarantula on my face!

Monica:I did something really stupid.

Paolo:Yes, you agreed to date me.

Monica:I'm such a mess. I can't do anything right.

Rachel:That's not true. You're not a mess. You're just... a disaster.

Phoebe:I was actually thinking about my own situation. You know, I've been having some real issues lately...

Monica:Phoebe, I appreciate that, but can we talk about my thing? Because honestly, I'm kind of falling apart here.

Ross:We're sorry we're late. Julie and I were... we were doing CPR.

Chandler:CPR? What happened?

Ross:Well, nobody was dying, but... we were practicing.

Paolo:I come to help with the hair. I make it very... how you say... full and voluminous. I work it with my hands, very slowly, very carefully. You must let me touch it, yes? I will make it very wet first, then I massage the conditioner deep into every strand.

Ross:Oh! Um... okay. That's... great. Monica, could I talk to you for a second?

Monica:Paolo, hands above the waist.

Chandler:Well, this is awkward.

Chandler:Wow, that's a really complex code. I'm not sure Frankie's going to be able to crack that one.

Chandler:Maybe you should write it down. In case he forgets that Joey Tribbiani says hello.

Monica:I mean, look at his hair. It's so thick and shiny. Remember when my hair looked like that? Before the humidity in New York destroyed it?

Rachel:Monica, he cheated on me.

Monica:I know, I know. But seriously, what conditioner is he using?

Phoebe:Okay, little guys, I'm sorry, but it's time to say goodbye. You've had a good run. You've been very lustrous and shiny, but now it's time for you to go to hair heaven.

Monica:I do trust you! I just have a face that... analyzes things. My eyebrows naturally furrow when I'm thinking, which I do constantly because I'm anxious about everything. And when you combine that with my mouth doing this thing where it gets small, it reads as skeptical, but that's just my resting concerned expression. Plus, my eyes are naturally close-set, so I always look like I'm squinting at something suspicious, even when I'm perfectly fine.

Phoebe:It's a good haircut! Demi Moore has short hair and he looks great.

Monica:Wait, you think that's the same person?

Phoebe:Well yeah, they have basically the same name!

Monica:Phoebe, one is a male stand-up comedian and one is a female actress. They're completely different people.

Phoebe:Oh. Well that would explain why I couldn't find his movies on Lifetime.

Tailor:How much do you want me to take in the cuff?

Chandler:Well, I'm a little busy right now, but maybe I could take it in later this week.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait... did I just say something funny?

Ross:Wait, wait. So you're saying that if I compliment someone's hair, that's insensitive to people with bad hair?

Monica:Yes!

Ross:So by that logic, if I say I like someone's legs, I'm insulting people in wheelchairs?

Joey:Hey, hey, it's okay. You know, some guys, they have a sixth sense about women. They can sense when you're vulnerable, when you're alone, when your roommate's out of town...

Monica:Joey, that's not a sixth sense, that's just being a predator.

Joey:See? That's what I'm saying - it's like a superpower!

Monica:I thought hitting rock bottom was bad. She's found an even lower level of despair with specific measurements.

Joey:I've been with a lot of women.

Chandler:Yeah, taken other people's portions like a buffet.

Joey:They took my measurements... they did things to me... unspeakable things!

Chandler:He told me he was going to 'pinch it up'... and I said, 'Okay.' But then he really did pinch it. And grabbed it. He grabbed my butt!

Chandler:Is that how tailors measure pants?

Ross:Yeah, well, not usually in the street.

Monica:I wish they'd confused me with Demi Moore.

Chandler:Well, they did. That's why you got her haircut.

Phoebe:That's a great haircut!

Monica:Phoebe, you're just saying that.

Phoebe:No, I'm serious! It's perfect!

Monica:Oh sure, my hair looks great. I'm sure it's thrilled to be completely ruined.

Chandler:Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. 'Don't stop believin', hold on to that feelin'.' Wait, that's not working, is it?

Monica:No.

Ross:Well, actually, when I was in college, there was this time with my TA—

Chandler:No. No, I'm gonna stop you right there. We do not need to hear about your college TA experience.

Ross:I mean, the guy makes my skin crawl. Every time he's around, I just feel this... this hatred building up inside me.

Chandler:Hatred? Ross, come on. He's not that bad.

Ross:Not that bad? He touched my sister!

Monica:Ross, he's my boyfriend.

Ross:Exactly! And now I want to punch him in the face!

Chandler:Okay, so we've escalated from emotional distress to actual violence. That's... that's quite a journey.

Ross:Rachel deserves someone who will cherish her, who will make her feel like the most important person in the world. Someone who will stand by her, support her dreams, and love her unconditionally.

Ross:Someone exactly like... Emily.

Chandler:Dad? Yeah, hi, it's me. Look, I need to talk to you about something. A tailor just measured my inseam and I'm not sure he did it right. No, no, I'm serious! He had his hand way too high up on my leg. I'm calling to ask—did you ever have this problem? What's the proper technique?

Phoebe:I want my hair like Charlton Heston from Planet of the Apes.

Rachel:Phoebe, that's a man.

Phoebe:So? I want short hair.

Rachel:No, Charlton Heston is a man. The actress from Planet of the Apes is Linda Harrison.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, I want my hair like Linda Harrison.

Rachel:Linda Harrison was the female ape in the movie.

Phoebe:I know! But she had really pretty hair for an ape.