The One With The Breast Milk

Monica:I bought these adorable designer baby clothes!

Chandler:How much did you spend?

Monica:Don't ask.

Chandler:That bad?

Monica:The baby's only going to wear them for like twenty minutes before they outgrow them anyway!

Phoebe:Just do it, Ben!

Ben:Waaaaaah!

Phoebe:Oh no, the baby! Oh, this is so sad. You know, babies are very delicate. You shouldn't put this kind of pressure on a newborn.

Chandler:What are you two doing?

Joey:We're just... cooking.

Chandler:Cooking? With what?

Monica:A spatula.

Chandler:A spatula?

Joey:And a whisk.

Chandler:A whisk? What else?

Monica:A ladle.

Chandler:A ladle?!

Monica:It's natural and beautiful. There's nothing wrong with breastfeeding in public.

Chandler:Oh, I agree. It is natural and beautiful. I'm just saying, maybe not at Knicks games. I'm trying to watch the game, and I keep seeing things that make me uncomfortable.

Chandler:So if a woman is pregnant and her breasts are, you know, full of milk, and she's in an airplane at 30,000 feet where the cabin pressure drops, would she just... explode?

Monica:Chandler, no!

Chandler:What? I'm just asking a simple scientific question!

Julie:Can I help you with that?

Rachel:Oh my God, why are you being so nice to me? What do you want from me?

Phoebe:I can't go shopping today. My grandmother's not feeling well, so I have to take her to the vet.

Monica:The vet? Phoebe, your grandmother doesn't go to a vet.

Phoebe:Well, she won't go to a real doctor!

Chandler:Bloomingdale's? That's like Rachel's religious sanctuary.

Chandler:Monica, when Rachel finds out you bought that dress, she's going to kill you. And I mean that literally. She will stab you with a stiletto heel and then use your body as a mannequin.

Monica:What? A dog in the street? Where?

Chandler:No, no, it's just an expression. It means—

Monica:*gets down on all fours and starts yelping, then dramatically sprawls out on the floor* I'M HIT! I'M HIT! TELL MY BABIES I LOVE THEM!

Chandler:It's Hombre Man.

Monica:Okay, so we went to that new Italian place on 5th Avenue.

Phoebe:Ooh, did we have the pasta?

Monica:Yes, Phoebe, we had the pasta. We're pretending we had the pasta.

Phoebe:Oh my God, it was so good. I'm so full right now.

Phoebe:We went to the store and... okay, so we bought a lot of things, and one of them was... we bought boobs.

Monica:Phoebe, what are you talking about?

Phoebe:Chicken boobs! For dinner!

Phoebe:I'm thinking about getting my boobs done.

Ross:You're gonna buy boobs? Like, where? The boob store?

Phoebe:I'm not buying boobs. I'm buying a bra. A bra!

Joey:The Hombre Man? Again? This is the third time this week!

Chandler:Joey, maybe it's time to accept that you're not the man she wants.

Joey:Not the man? Chandler, I'm a man! I'm very man-like!

Ross:The Hombre Man is literally a man, Joe. In a sombrero.

Joey:A sombrero doesn't make you a man. It makes you... festive!

Monica:Hi Julie! I mean... *clears throat* ...Ju-lie. No wait... *nervous laugh* ...J-Julie... uh... *fumbles* ...Jewlie?

Monica:Oh no, that sounds awful!

Monica:Hi, Jew!

Monica:No, no, no — I have this friend, David, he's Jewish, and he loves when people greet him that way. It's like our thing!

Phoebe:I know how to heat breast milk.

Phoebe:You just lick your arm to test the temperature.

Phoebe:What? It's just breast milk.

Ross:It's not just breast milk, Phoebe. It's lactation. It's the process by which a mammal, after childbirth, produces nutrient-rich fluid from the mammary glands to nourish its young. It contains proteins, fats, vitamins, minerals, and antibodies. It's one of nature's most complex biological fluids.

Ross:I'm not trying it. No way. I don't care how healthy it is.

Monica:Come on, Ross, just taste it.

Ross:Absolutely not. I've made my position very clear on this.

Chandler:What's the big deal? It's just milk.

Ross:It's not 'just milk.' I have boundaries, and I'm sticking to them.

Ross:*drinks it*

Monica:Come on, just try it!

Chandler:No way. I'm not drinking breast milk.

Joey:Dude, it's natural!

Chandler:So is dying. I'm not doing that either.

Rachel:What if we put it in a carton with a picture of a missing child on it?

Chandler:...Why would that help?

Rachel:Because then you'd have to drink it to find out where it came from!

Rachel:Oh wow, Monica, that's a great story. Really, really great. But here's what actually happened...

Monica:There's something I need to tell you all. I've been keeping this secret for a while, and I can't hold it in anymore.

Monica:I went... I went to Pottery Barn.

Monica:Without any of you.

Monica:We need to talk about what happened at the mall.

Chandler:Monica, it didn't mean anything.

Monica:You were with me for three hours! You saw everything I bought!

Chandler:I know, but I was just... I wasn't thinking.

Monica:That's what they always say. 'I wasn't thinking.' Well, I saw you laughing at those shoes I tried on. Don't lie to me!

Chandler:Okay, okay. The shoes were funny. But it's over now.

Monica:Is it? Because I still have the receipt!

Monica:You're telling me you think of Rachel while you're shopping with Julie?

Chandler:What? No! I mean... sometimes the store is out of her favorite brand...

Monica:That's not better, Chandler!

Rachel:You want to get caught.

Monica:No, I don't.

Rachel:Yes, you do. You want to get caught.

Monica:I don't want to get caught... Maybe I'm just stupid.

Monica:*whimper*

Chandler:I mean, they're not consumer products with demographic appeal. They're for babies!

Joey:Yeah, but they're nice to look at.

Chandler:That's not their primary function, Joe.

Carol:It's not that bad. A little sweet, a little salty.

Ross:How do you know what it tastes like?

Carol:I'm nursing!

Chandler:Yeah, and the rest of us have tasted it too.

Monica:Oh my God, Chandler!

Chandler:What? We all have! We can compare!

Ross:You've tasted it?

Carol:Yes.

Ross:You've tasted it!

Carol:I just said I did.

Joey:Howdy.

Motivational speech about cologne territory. Western metaphor using department store geography.

Chandler:So I'm in this department store, right? And I see this gorgeous woman in the coat section. I say to her, 'Hey, are you a hooker?' She looks at me like I just grew a second head. Turns out I was just asking about her coat.

Monica:I feel terrible about betraying you.

Rachel:Oh, you feel terrible? How do you think I feel? I'm the one who betrayed you!

Rachel:The thing is, it's not just about Ross. It's that she's... she's trying to steal my friends. Like, she shows up and suddenly everyone wants to hang out with her instead of me.

Rachel:It's like she thinks friendship is some kind of limited resource, like there's only so much to go around and if they like her, they can't like me.

Rachel:Which is crazy because that's not how it works, but... I guess that means I'm the one who actually thinks that.

Phoebe:I'm sorry, I just have to say something. I've been holding this in for so long.

Monica:Pheebs, this is actually a private moment between Rachel and me.

Phoebe:I know, but I feel like my pain is just as valid, and I need you guys to know that I'm also going through something.

Rachel:Phoebe, we love you, but—

Phoebe:No, no, hear me out. In my past life, I was also two best friends having an emotional reconciliation, and let me tell you, it was traumatic.

Joey:Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? I didn't mean to—

Other Character:Joey, you're spraying more cologne on me!

Joey:I know, I know, I'm trying to dilute it! Here, let me just—

Chandler:Joey, why are you apologizing like that?

Joey:What do you mean? The guy's eyes are burning!

Chandler:Yeah, but you're smiling.

Joey:...So?

Chandler:Joey, did you do this on purpose?

Joey:What? No! Why would I—okay, fine. He was going after my callback.

Joey:Yeah, these new cologne sprayers don't last long. You spray it once and it's gone. But the old ones? You could spray those things all day. Now they're just... gone.

Joey:It's like they're being... eliminated. Taken out. Like they never even existed.

Julie:I'm so confident and together. I have my life figured out.

Julie:But honestly? Rachel intimidates me. I mean, look at her. She's... she's Rachel.

Julie:Do you think Rachel likes me?

Rachel:No, not really.

Rachel:Okay, fine! Monica was right. Julie is nice. There, I said it.

Rachel:But you know what I hate? When Monica is right!

Rachel:Oh Julie, I think we're really going to be great friends. I'm so glad we talked about this.

Julie:Me too, Rachel. I'm really happy about this.

Rachel:Yeah, me too.

Julie:Okay, I should get going. I'll see you soon!

Rachel:Bye!

Rachel:Oh my God, I cannot stand that woman.

Ross:Okay, fine. I tried it. It's... it's not that bad.