The One With The Chicken Pox

Monica:I ordered it first!

Chandler:Yeah, but I ate it first.

Monica:That doesn't matter! I ordered it!

Chandler:Monica, if being faster counts, then I basically ordered it.

Chandler:Oh, you know what? I'm actually okay. I don't need any help. But thanks for offering in that really nice way that made me feel bad for a second there.

Monica:Don't talk with your mouth full!

Monica:Wait, what? Tell me!

Phoebe:This guy stopped by my guitar performance in the park and instead of giving me money, he gave me candy.

Monica:Candy? What kind of candy?

Phoebe:I don't know, some yellow wrapped thing. But here's the weird part - he kept asking if I had a van.

Phoebe:Well, we go down, we come back up, we go down again...

Phoebe:It's like we're a submarine!

Ross:So when does the submarine dive?

Rachel:I don't know, why don't you ask the captain?

Ross:Well, I'm more interested in going down myself.

Monica:I'm not just happy that you can't have the muffin. I'm happy that I'm happy that you can't have the muffin.

Phoebe:Wait, everyone's had chickenpox except me? I'm the only one?

Chandler:Yeah, it's actually pretty common to get it as a kid.

Phoebe:Well, I feel left out! Why didn't anyone give me chickenpox?

Monica:Pheebs, you can't just ask someone to give you a disease.

Phoebe:Well, I just think it's really unfair that I'm being excluded from this whole chickenpox thing. I mean, what if I never get it? What if I die without ever having had chickenpox?

Joey:Phoebe, that's actually not the worst thing in the world.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh my God, is that a pigeon outside? I think it's hurt!

Chandler:Yeah, and we're not gonna have to make lanyards either.

Joey:Wait, so the song is about being bad, not fat?

Monica:Yes, Joey. 'Bad' means cool. If it were about being fat, it would be called 'Fat It Up.'

Chandler:Monica, I'm worried you'll think I'm crazy.

Monica:Chandler, you already seem crazy.

Monica:The flowers have to face east because that's where the sun comes up, and if they're facing the wrong way, it's like they're turning their backs on a new day. Do you know how depressing that is for a flower?

Monica:Oh God, I've scared him away, haven't I? He's never going to want to sleep in my apartment again!

Chandler:Monica, relax. I like a well-made bed.

Monica:You do?

Chandler:Are you kidding? It's like sleeping on a cloud... if that cloud was organized by a military general.

Monica:You think I'm crazy, don't you? You think my neuroses are too much.

Chandler:Monica, I don't think you're crazy. I think you're... perfectly, wonderfully neurotic. And I love that about you.

Monica:Really?

Chandler:Really. Could I BE with someone more normal?

Monica:And another thing—the toilet paper has to be folded into a perfect triangle. Not creased, *folded*. There's a difference.

Chandler:Of course there is.

Monica:And it has to face outward. Always outward. If I go into a bathroom and it's facing the wall, I physically cannot use it. I just stand there.

Chandler:You stand there?

Monica:For hours, Chandler. *Hours*.

Joey:I don't know, man. I've never worked in an office before. What if I'm not good at it?

Chandler:Joey, the key to office work is simple: look busy, nod a lot in meetings, and if anyone asks you about the Morrison file, just say it's on your desk.

Joey:What Morrison file?

Chandler:Exactly. No one knows.

Joey:I'm a processor. I process things. It's very technical work.

Joey:Look, it's all about the synergy, you know? You gotta maximize your core competencies while leveraging the bandwidth to create a paradigm shift in the deliverables. At the end of the day, it's not rocket science—it's about thinking outside the box and being proactive with your stakeholders.

Unknown coworker:Are all you processors dorks?

Monica:You look fine, Phoebe. Really.

Monica:Maybe we should just keep you in a dark room until it clears up.

Monica:Phoebe, you're beautiful. You look great.

Phoebe:No, I don't. I look like a submarine.

Monica:What? No, you don't!

Phoebe:Yes, I do. A big, yellow submarine. And I'm going down.

Ryan:So what kind of pox do you have?

Phoebe:Chicken pox.

Phoebe:I'm a vegetarian.

Phoebe:I wish I'd gotten chickenpox earlier.

Phoebe:I would've just gone to Monica's and stuck my face in Chickenpox Monica's.

Ryan:Yeah, or you could wish that I didn't have them now.

Ryan:I'd look at your face even if it was covered in pox.

Phoebe:Even if I smelled like fish?

Ryan:Even then.

Phoebe:Wait, you hate fish!

Ryan:Oh my God, what happened to your face?

Phoebe:Chicken pox. I know, I know, it's not pretty.

Ryan:Not pretty? You look like you were hit by—

Phoebe:Well, actually, right now I'm being hit by lightning.

Phoebe:That's so sweet. You know, chickenpox is actually really romantic. It's like the herpes of childhood.

Joey:Yeah, my character has like three kids.

Chandler:Joey, you don't have three kids. You don't even have one kid.

Joey:I know, but I'm acting!

Chandler:So what, you're gonna go home and practice on Monica?

Joey:So I got three kids. There's Emma, she's the oldest. She's really into horses, which is weird because I'm terrified of horses. Then there's Michael Jr. — we call him Spike. He's got this whole rebellious phase going on, won't listen to anything I say. And then the baby, little Chandler. Yeah, I named him after my best friend. He's only two, so mostly he just drools and laughs at farts, which honestly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Joey:They're so well-behaved. They always listen to me.

Chandler:Yeah, that's because they're not real.

Joey:We're thinking about having a third child.

Chandler:That's great! Congratulations!

Joey:Well, we just did it. We just conceived.

Chandler:What, right now? During the scene?

Phoebe:I can't take this anymore! I need to scratch so badly!

Ryan:I know, but the doctor said we can't or they'll scar.

Phoebe:That's it. I'm getting the Monopoly set. I need those little houses to scratch with!

Ryan:What? That doesn't even make sense!

Phoebe:They're pointy! They're perfect!

Phoebe:Oh God, I can't... I can't do this anymore.

Ryan:I know, I know. Just don't think about it.

Phoebe:But it's right there... calling to me...

Ryan:We have to be strong. We promised ourselves.

Phoebe:I'm so weak... I'm scratching aren't I?

Ryan:Oh my God, you're scratching.

Phoebe:I know! I couldn't help myself. It felt so good.

Monica:You two are scratching? I thought you said you had military discipline!

Chandler:We do, but apparently it doesn't apply to itching.

Ryan:She make me doing. That's a nice color on you. You will become pink and blunch baby. I hope you get a Winnie pork.

Chandler:So you're imagining Joey sneaking onto her boat and going, 'Pssshhhhh,' while letting all the air out of the life jackets?

Joey:No, that's not what I meant!

Chandler:Or maybe he tampers with the engine, and then when she's out on the water, it just goes 'click click click' and dies.

Chandler:You got me beaten up!

Joey:Hey, my character was aggressive. That's what the scene called for.

Chandler:Your character? Joey, you broke my nose!

Joey:It's called method acting, Chandler. I was committed to the role.

Chandler:Well, I'm committed to committing a crime. On you.

Monica:Wow, Chandler, that's an amazing duct tape folding technique!

Chandler:Thanks! I've been perfecting it for years.

Monica:I mean, imagine if you needed to fold duct tape in an emergency. You'd be so prepared.

Chandler:Right, because that's definitely a scenario that comes up.

Monica:You never know! What if there's a duct tape folding competition?

Chandler:Monica, those don't exist.

Monica:Not yet. But when they do, you'll be ready.

Monica:Do you like things perpendicular?

Chandler:Well, I'm not wrong about that.

Chandler:Oh, I know! So that when you're running late, you can tell yourself you're only 6 minutes late instead of 12!

Monica:Okay, what is this obsession of yours?

Chandler:I organize my socks by color and thread count.

Monica:That's it? That's your big obsession?

Chandler:Well, yeah. I mean, doesn't everyone do that?

Chandler:I'd completely freak out if my socks didn't match.

Monica:Really? You'd freak out?

Chandler:Well, no, not really. I'd just... put on different socks.

Monica:Oh. So you're not neurotic at all.

Monica:That's... disappointing.

Chandler:Yeah, well, nobody loves you as much as they love your character. Your character is like the funny, good-looking version of you.

Chandler:You know what? Fine. Keep the job. But I'm telling you right now, when you're not looking, I'm going to go out with Karen.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't do that! Karen would never go for you!

Chandler:I've created my own workplace character. His name is Bert Kibbler, and he's a villain. He steals office supplies and blames it on the interns.

Joey:You really have Karen's panties?

Chandler:Karen doesn't exist, Joey.

Joey:I can't believe I have to say goodbye to all of you. You've been like real children to me.

Joey:I'm gonna miss you so much. You're my family. My imaginary family, but still.

Joey:I love you guys. I love you. Don't forget about me, okay? Promise me you won't forget about me.

Monica:Oh my God, it's a puppet show!

Phoebe:If you say that one more time, I'm gonna give you the finger... well, I would if I could move my hands.

Phoebe:I don't care if I get it again, I'm hugging you!

Ryan:I'm so covered in spots right now.

Phoebe:I know! Me too! We're like a couple of dalmatians!

Ryan:The sexiest dalmatians in the world.

Chandler:I have to sleep on the left side of the bed.

Monica:Why?

Chandler:Because if I sleep on the right side, I'm closer to the window, and if there's a burglar, he'll see me first. But if I sleep on the left side, he'll see Monica first, and by the time he gets to me, I'll have a two-second head start.

Monica:Wait, you do that every time you eat?

Chandler:Well, yes, I have to separate all my food. The peas can't touch the potatoes, the potatoes can't touch the meat...

Monica:Oh my God, this is perfect! Finally! A quirk!

Joey:Wow, so you were in a submarine and you didn't learn anything? That's like me being an actor and not learning how to pretend!

Phoebe:Wait... Central Perk? Like, because it's in the center and it perks you up? Oh my God, I just got that!

Phoebe:Oh my God, Ryan, this is so romantic. I feel like I'm in a movie.

Phoebe:Wait, did you remember to turn off the stove? Because my grandmother's apartment caught fire once and it was really sad.

Phoebe:Also, I'm suddenly worried about the ozone layer. Do you think we're contributing to it right now?

Phoebe:And I just realized I didn't call my dentist back. What if my teeth are falling out as we speak?

Phoebe:All hands on deck!