The One With Barry And Mindys Wedding

Joey:Warren Beatty said I was a bad kisser!

Joey:It's like calling Mother Teresa a bad mother!

Ross:Look, who cares what Warren Beatty thinks? He's just some guy.

Joey:Just some guy? Ross, Warren Beatty is like, the most famous lover in Hollywood!

Ross:So? That doesn't mean his opinion matters.

Joey:Are you kidding me? Warren Beatty's romantic reputation is legendary!

Ross:Well... okay, maybe his opinion matters a little.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. Did I just say that Warren Beatty doesn't know how to kiss? *nervous laugh* Oh God, oh God, oh God.

Joey:Hey, can one of you kiss me? I need to practice for an audition.

Monica:No.

Rachel:Absolutely not.

Joey:I'll do it.

Rachel:No, Joey, that's okay. We already kissed.

Joey:I know, but I don't mind doing it again.

Rachel:Yeah, well, I do. I'm not kissing you again, Joey.

Chandler:Why not? What's the big deal?

Rachel:Because the last time we kissed, it was weird.

Joey:Weird? I thought it was great!

Rachel:Yeah, well, it was weird for me. So no, I'm not doing it again.

Rachel:Okay, so... you're very enthusiastic, which is great. But maybe you could be a little more gentle? You know, like you're not trying to suck out my soul.

Joey:Gentle. Got it. Anything else?

Rachel:Well, your technique is solid, but you tend to lead with your tongue a little too much. It's like... five stars for effort, two stars for execution.

Joey:Two stars? What do I have to do to get five?

Rachel:Practice. And maybe... don't think about it so much? You're kissing someone, not performing open-heart surgery.

Monica:No! No way! I'm not doing that!

Chandler:Well, you say that now, but when the time comes, I think you'll be very relaxed about it.

Rachel:I have to walk down the aisle in this thing? I look like a Pepto-Bismol bottle!

Monica:Wait, didn't you promise Barry you'd marry him?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Walk of shame!

Chandler:What? No, I just fell asleep at Monica's.

Joey:Sure you did. In those clothes? From yesterday?

Joey:Stud!

Joey:Geek!

Chandler:You guys know I get defensive and quippy when I'm uncomfortable, right?

Joey:Oh, really? Because I had no idea. This is all news to me.

Chandler:You know, I've been thinking about our friendship, and I just want to say that you guys mean the world to me. I don't say it enough, but I really do love you all.

Monica:Oh my God, are you okay? Do you have a tumor?

Ross:Is this some kind of joke? Because it's not funny.

Rachel:Chandler, you're scaring me.

Joey:Yeah man, just go back to making fun of us or something.

Phoebe:This is weird. I don't like it.

Chandler:What? I can't just express my feelings?

Monica:No. No, you can't. It's not natural.

Monica:Oh Richard, you're like a warm, buttery croissant on a cold winter morning, filling my soul with the golden essence of your love.

Richard:Monica, that's... very poetic.

Monica:And you're like a strong, dark espresso that awakens my deepest desires, a cappuccino of passion that—

Chandler:Okay, we get it. You two are in love. Can we please just order our coffee now?

Ross:Are you afraid to ask him about marriage?

Monica:Afraid? Ross, I'm not afraid. I'm terrified. I'm so scared that when I think about talking to him, I get physically ill. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just lie there at night, sweating through my sheets, imagining all the ways he could say no.

Ross:You should really think about getting married, Mon.

Monica:Why would I do that?

Ross:Well, at least you'd only have to wear one awful bridesmaid dress instead of multiple ones like Rachel does.

Chandler:You know what I think? I think babies don't actually want to talk. They're just playing peek-a-boo with language. Like, they know the word, but they're not gonna say it because they think it's funny to watch us freak out.

Monica:Do you see a bassinet in our future?

Richard:A basset? Monica, I'm 61 years old. I don't have the energy for a basset hound.

Richard:A dog wouldn't work. It would chew up the baby's toys, shed all over everything, and you'd have to walk it at three in the morning when the baby's crying anyway.

Monica:I want to have kids... eventually.

Monica:Like, maybe in five or ten years.

Monica:Or twenty years.

Monica:Okay, fifty years.

Monica:When I'm ninety-seven and they've invented that thing where they can just grow babies in tubes.

Monica:And also time travel, so I can go back and meet them as children.

Joey:How you doin'?

Ross:That dress is so... pretty! It's like something a little girl would wear to her first tea party with her dolly!

Rachel:Ross...

Ross:No, no, I mean it! Very... youthful. Like you just learned what clothes are!

Chandler:Well, I'm looking at the Guggenheim website because my internet girlfriend thinks it's impressive. But honestly, I'm just there for the humor.

Rachel:Oh my God, you're being so cute about this!

Chandler:I know, I'm adorable. Could I BE any more adorable?

Joey:Could be a guy! A big guy! A really big guy with a beard! Who works at a lumberyard!

Chandler:So you're gonna ask her how long she's gonna live?

Phoebe:You can't throw rice at weddings anymore because the birds eat it and it kills them. So now people throw birdseed, which is stupid because the birds are just gonna eat that too. They're gonna be like, 'Oh boy, birdseed!' It's a death trap!

Phoebe:And that's why you should never eat sushi. Because the rice is a death trap for the fish.

Rachel:I just... I don't know. Every time I think about walking down that aisle, I keep remembering the last time I did that. And I literally ran away in my wedding dress.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross! You could have told me my dress was inside out!

Ross:I tried! I tried to tell you, but every time I opened my mouth, Chandler kept making faces at me, and Monica was giving me this look like I was about to say something inappropriate, and Joey just kept talking about food!

Rachel:So what? You just let me walk around like that?

Ross:I was in an impossible situation! If I told you, it would be weird. If I didn't tell you, it was also weird. There was no winning here, Rachel!

Rachel:I've been humiliated before, but this is the worst. Remember when I tripped at the Copacabana and everyone saw me fall? I just ran out of there. I didn't even wait for my drink.

Ross:Hey, it's okay. Everyone does embarrassing things. It doesn't define who you are.

Rachel:Ross, I know that. But he saw me! He literally saw me!

Ross:And? So what? He probably forgot about it already.

Rachel:How can you be so sure?

Ross:Because people are generally self-absorbed. Trust me.

Rachel:Well, it's too late now anyway. I'm already committed to him.

Mr. Weinberg:It's been a long time since I've seen Rachel like that.

Rachel:You lie to me?

Ross:No! Well... yes. But only about important things.

Rachel:Like what?

Ross:Like... how much I care about you. I tell you I care about you this much, but I actually care about you this much.

Mindy:Hi, I'm Mindy Feldman-Henderson-Rothschild-Grayson-Carmichael-DuPont-Vanderbilt-Astor-Whitney-Rockefeller.

Barry:Well, this wedding is going much better than my first one.

Barry:That one only lasted three minutes.

Rachel:Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay because I look sick.

Mindy:Well, first they think you're just insane.

Barry:Then they assume it's from syphilis.

Rachel:Why would you tell people I have syphilis?

Barry:I was just trying to help you save face. I thought it would be better than telling people the truth.

Rachel:Better than what truth?

Barry:That you left me at the altar! But I figured nobody had to know that, so I told them you were sick.

Rachel:You told people I had syphilis instead of telling them I left you?

Barry:Yes! Because if people knew you left me, they might think there was something wrong with me. This way, it's just you with a disease.

Phoebe:Why won't you respond to her?

Chandler:Because she's not real, Phoebe. She's on the internet.

Phoebe:So what if she's married? That doesn't mean anything. My third husband was married when I met him.

Chandler:Your third husband was married to you!

Phoebe:Exactly! So I know it can work.

Phoebe:You're gonna regret not being flexible when you're older.

Chandler:I'm gonna regret a lot of things when I'm older. Not being able to lick my own butt is not gonna be high on that list.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, I can help you with this. Just... just stay calm and listen to me carefully.

Phoebe:No, wait, do it this way. Actually, no, the other way was better. Wait, what were we doing?

Phoebe:You need to do it faster! But also slower, so you don't mess up. But hurry!

Phoebe:Don't think about it, just do it! But think about it carefully first!

Phoebe:I'm helping! I'm being so helpful right now!

Rachel:I'm going to sing Copacabana again. I don't care what happened the last time.

Rachel:I have to face my fears. This is about overcoming my childhood trauma.

Monica:Rachel, your childhood trauma was that your parents wouldn't buy you a pony.

Rachel:Exactly! And now I'm going to conquer this song!

Monica:I don't need children. I'm perfectly happy without them. I have my career, my apartment, my friends...

Monica:Who am I kidding? I want a baby! I want to have a baby so badly! Why can't I have a baby?!

Best Man:What? It worked the first time!

Best Man:Rachel showed real courage today. She walked down that aisle with such confidence and grace.

Best Man:Of course, that confidence lasted until we all saw what was holding up her dress.

Ross:And another thing! The rumor about Rachel and syphilis is completely false!

Ross:She does not have syphilis. She never had syphilis. And frankly, I'm insulted that anyone would even suggest—

Ross:You know what? Now everyone's going to think she has syphilis!

Ross:She didn't love him.

Ross:Well, I mean, that's good for me.

Wedding Guest:That's the third Barry event Rachel's walked out of this month.

Wedding Guest:I've got twenty bucks says she makes it through the rehearsal dinner next week.

Barry:You're on. I give her ten minutes.

Rachel:I can't leave the wedding. Barry's going to have so many more of these.

Rachel:I did it. I actually did it. I performed the Copacabana and I didn't have a panic attack.

Monica:Oh my God, Rach, that was amazing!

Chandler:You were incredible. I didn't know you had that in you.

Rachel:Neither did I. Who knew all I needed was to face my fears head-on?

Joey:That's what I've been telling people for years.

Phoebe:Your aura is like, totally different now. It's all sparkly and trauma-free.

Rachel:At the Copa... she lost her love.

Monica:His name was Rico.

Chandler:He wore a diamond.

Ross:He was escaping to New York, La-La-La-La-La.

Phoebe:At the Copa... she lost her love.

Joey:His name was Rico.

All:At the Copa!

Richard:I'm willing to give up my entire record collection for you.

Monica:Really? That's so sweet!

Richard:Well, I made copies.

Monica:What? You're doing it again! You keep saying 'I know this is crazy' — if you know it's crazy, why are you doing it?

Richard:Because I love you.

Monica:Then just say that! Don't lead with the disclaimer!

Phoebe:Oh, that's nice. You know what they say - life is full of little surprises, and most of them are terrible.

Joey:A watched pot never boils, right? So I'm not gonna watch the pot.

Joey:But I am gonna watch the door, because a watched door never... opens?

Chandler:Oh. My. God.

Janice:Hi Chandler!

Monica:Okay, I'm going to help you with your kissing.

Joey:Really?

Monica:Yeah, come here.

Monica:Okay, the problem is you're too stiff. You need to relax your face.

Joey:Okay.

Monica:And stop doing that thing with your lips.

Joey:What thing?

Monica:That thing! Where you do... that.

Monica:Here, let me show you.

Joey:Thank you so much for helping me with my kissing technique, Monica. I really feel like I nailed it.

Monica:That's great, Joey! When's your audition?

Joey:Oh, it was this morning.

Monica:This morning?! Joey, why didn't you tell me?

Joey:I know, I know. But hey, I learned something valuable today.

Monica:What's that?

Joey:Ross is a really good kisser.