The One With The Two Parties

Chandler:Poaching? Is that what we're calling it when Monica cooks something that doesn't come from a can?

Chandler:And another thing - the poaching is just the tip of the iceberg. This whole party structure is fundamentally flawed. We need to completely reorganize the way we do things around here.

Joey:Hey, I get it. Fancy parties aren't really my scene either. But you know what I've learned? Sometimes the best part of a fancy party is realizing you don't belong there. That way, nobody expects anything from you, and you can just eat all the shrimp.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! These are fake!

Chandler:Yeah, and? I dated a woman once who had a fake leg. It was like dating a Barbie doll, except it came with its own carrying case.

Monica:Shannon Cooper steals stuff.

Chandler:Yeah, but that's not why we can't invite her.

Joey:I was completely making it up.

Phoebe:Oh my God, graduation was hell? What happened? Did demons come out of the ground? Did you have to fight them with a flaming sword?

Rachel:My sister just wanted to graduate so she could get her degree and make a lot of money.

Rachel:My parents are fighting again at my graduation.

Monica:What are they fighting about?

Rachel:I don't know, but my mom just yelled something about my dad and the Pope.

Chandler:The Pope? What does the Pope have to do with your graduation?

Rachel:Apparently, my dad told my mom he'd rather take confessional advice from the Pope than listen to her anymore.

Joey:That's... actually kind of funny.

Phoebe:In my past life, I was the Pope.

Monica:It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.

Chandler:So it's... goo?

Dr. Greene:What is this, a party?

Monica:No! No, it's not a party. It's just a few people over to hang out and have some food and drinks and music and dancing.

Chandler:Well, it's actually a very simple concept. You invite people over, you don't tell the guest of honor, and then... surprise! People jump out and yell. I know, I know—very tricky stuff. Most people spend years at party college learning this.

Chandler:Well, if you're not the Chinese food delivery guy, then who are you? And more importantly, where's my food? Because I've been standing here for twenty minutes, and the only thing I'm hungry for now is answers... and also still Chinese food.

Chandler:And that's it. That's the whole plan. No backup plan, no contingencies. If anything goes wrong, we're all going down.

Monica:Well, you know, you and your mom look so much alike! I mean, you have the same eyes, the same smile...

Rachel:Aw, that's sweet.

Monica:And the same... bone structure. Very elegant bone structure. I mean, it's a beautiful bone structure for your people.

Monica:Oh my god, oh my god! I have to set up for Rachel's party in the living room AND Chandler's thing in the bedroom at the same time!

Monica:This is like Three's Company, except nobody's going to find it funny and I'm going to have a complete breakdown!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Dr. Greene? Where are we taking him?

Joey:Wait, so we're going to the coffee shop, but we're not actually getting coffee?

Monica:No, Joey, we ARE getting coffee. We're just meeting there first before we go to the movie.

Joey:Oh... so we're getting coffee AND going to a movie?

Monica:Yes, Joey. It's not that complicated. Even you can follow this plan.

Dr. Greene:Staging area? Come on, this is where you live.

Joey:A dad party? How bad could it be?

Dr. Greene:There will be lots of single mothers there.

Joey:Oh! Well, why didn't you say so? I'm there!

Rachel:Oh my God, I love you!

Ross:You do?

Rachel:Yeah, these are beautiful!

Ross:Oh. Well, if you don't like them, I can take them back and exchange them.

Rachel:I love you even more!

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm so surprised!

Rachel:Wait, no I'm not. I knew about this the whole time.

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. My parents are both here. They're both at my party. At the same time. Oh my God.

Chandler:Well, you could always just not go.

Rachel:I'm getting two birthday cakes.

Ross:Two? Why two?

Rachel:One for me, one for the guests.

Ross:Well, that seems excessive. Monica should've told you one is plenty.

Monica:Oh, don't blame me! That was Rachel's idea.

Chandler:You know what? I don't even care that you think I'm someone else. This is the most attention I've gotten all week.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't put a volleyball net in here. Do you know what happened the last time someone tried to move furniture in this apartment?

Chandler:What?

Joey:I broke my arm!

Ross:Hey Chandler, I'm going to meet Rachel's dad. What are some good conversation openers?

Chandler:Well, you could ask him about his work, his hobbies... Or you could go with my personal favorite: 'So, your daughter... how much you want for her?'

Monica:Okay, everyone, we're playing Pictionary! And I've color-coded all the markers by shade. These are the reds, these are the blues, these are the greens. And under NO circumstances do you leave the cap off a marker. They cost $1.29 each, and the set was $18.95.

Chandler:Monica, it's a game, not a crime scene.

Monica:A game?! Do you know how many markers have died in this apartment because people like you don't respect cap management? I've already had to replace three sets since we moved in here!

Ross:So it's kind of like a game, right? You know, you're trying to solve the puzzle, fix the problem...

Dr. Greene:A game? Ross, people die on my table. This isn't a game.

Ross:Right, right, I just meant... well, with dinosaurs, if I mess up, they're already dead. So there's really no pressure.

Monica:The caps have to be on the markers at all times. And they have to be on straight. Not at an angle. Straight.

Monica:And they need to be arranged by color. ROY G. BIV. Plus the metallics.

Monica:And if a cap is even slightly loose, the whole system falls apart!

Gunther:I think I'm gonna head out.

Monica:What? You're leaving my party?

Gunther:Yeah, I'm not really feeling it.

Monica:Well, too bad! You're staying!

Gunther:Actually, you already yelled at me earlier, so I think we're even.

Gunther:I should probably get going...

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just walk out that door. Monica will see you. We need a diversion.

Chandler:Okay, here's the plan: I'll create a small fire in the kitchen—nothing serious, just enough smoke. While everyone's distracted, you slip out the back window. I've already scouted the fire escape.

Gunther:That seems a bit extreme...

Chandler:Extreme? My friend, this is a covert operation. We're talking military precision. I've named it 'Operation Espresso Exit.' You'll be wearing dark clothes, moving silently along the baseboards. If anyone asks, you were never here.

Dr. Greene:I'll have a scotch, neat.

Ross:Neat? You want me to organize your drink?

Dr. Greene:No, neat means without ice or mixers.

Ross:Oh! Right, right. So you want your scotch to be... tidy.

Ross:Why does Monica insist on making that fancy coq au vin when she knows my stomach can't handle it?

Monica:It's a classic French dish, Ross. Maybe your palate just needs to develop.

Ross:My palate? Monica, I just spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. The only thing that developed was a strong hatred for French cuisine.

Ross:I like my scotch neat.

Chandler:And that's the moment you realized you shouldn't have said that.

Unknown guest:This party is terrible.

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God! A water ring! A WATER RING on my coffee table!

Chandler:It's just a little mark, Mon.

Monica:Just a little mark?! Do you know what this is? This is the beginning of the end! Next thing you know, there'll be crumbs on the carpet, someone will sit on my good couch, and before you know it, my entire apartment is ruined!

Monica:What? I don't have a problem with coasters!

Chandler:Mon, you have seventeen sets of coasters.

Monica:That's just being prepared!

Rachel:You made us do a coaster placement seminar.

Monica:My therapist says it's completely normal.

Joey:Your therapist also specializes in furniture anxiety?

Ross:They're not bifocals, they're... progressive lenses. It's a very common condition in people my age. Nothing to worry about.

Ross:I'm not old! Bifocals are actually very stylish now. Even Bono wears them.

Rachel:He doesn't smoke! Well, he does, but not like, regularly. Just socially. You know, at parties and... funerals. Okay, maybe a little more than socially, but it's not like he's a chain smoker or anything. I mean, he barely smokes at all. Like, hardly ever. Basically never. Why are you looking at me like that?

Ross:I was just warming up the earpieces for you.

Monica:Ross! What are you doing with Dad's cigarette?

Ross:I'm not smoking it, I'm just... holding it.

Chandler:That's what they all say.

Ross:No, really, I was just putting it in my mouth to see what it was like.

Joey:Heh heh.

Chandler:Yes. Yes, it's true. I have beer. It's like the Holy Grail, except it's in my apartment and I can actually reach it.

Monica:No, no, no, you guys can't leave! The night is still young!

Monica:Although, if I told you what I was planning for later, you'd all run screaming from this apartment.

Joey:Hey, people deserve to have fun! You can't just tell someone they can't go to a party. That's like... that's like telling someone they can't breathe!

Joey:These people, they work hard all week. They deserve to let loose, dance, have a good time. Who are we to judge?

Joey:I'm serious! Everyone's got the right to party. It's like a fundamental human right or something.

Monica:I throw great parties! Everyone has fun, they talk about it for weeks, and... and the decorations are tasteful, and the food is... I mean, sure, maybe I'm a little controlling about the timeline and the seating arrangements, but that's just because I care about making sure everything is perfect and... and everyone's happy, and... okay, fine, maybe I do have a tendency to micromanage every single detail and stress out if anything isn't exactly how I planned it, but that doesn't mean... I just... you know what, never mind.

Mrs. Greene:You know, Monica, I've been thinking about our relationship. I realize I've always been critical of you.

Monica:Really? I hadn't noticed.

Mrs. Greene:Well, that's because you're in denial. It's a defense mechanism.

Monica:I'm not in denial!

Mrs. Greene:See? Classic denial. You do it about everything—your apartment, your love life, those outfits you wore in the '80s.

Monica:She spent how much on bonsai trees?

Rachel:I know, it's crazy. She's obsessed with them.

Chandler:Well, I guess she's like Gulliver in Lilliput—surrounded by tiny things and feeling like a giant.

Dr. Greene:I can't believe how much this divorce is costing me. They're making me split everything down the middle.

Dr. Greene:I have to split the boat. How do you split a boat? We're literally sawing it in half.

Dr. Greene:Now I have half a boat. What am I supposed to do with half a boat?

Chandler:Oh, so your parents called you 'tiger' during the divorce? That's sweet. My parents called me 'champ,' 'buddy,' 'sport,' 'chief,' 'slugger,' and 'the little guy who we're pretending is happy about this.'

Rachel:I can already picture it. Monica's going to have the perfect house, perfect children, perfect everything. And my sister's going to show up with some hideous couch she found on the street, and everyone's going to have to pretend to like it.

Rachel:How did you get through your parents' divorce?

Chandler:Well, I have a very good coping mechanism. I don't feel anything ever.

Chandler:And it works great! Except sometimes I get angry at inanimate objects.

Chandler:Also, I can't cry. So I've developed this little system where I go to a movie, wait for a sad part, and then I sit in the back and just scream and scream.

Rachel:I love the Fourth of July. Remember last year when we went to the roof?

Chandler:Oh yeah, that was great. Although I have to say, I was a little disappointed. I thought we were celebrating the day the colonists declared independence from England.

Rachel:That's... that's what the Fourth of July is.

Chandler:Well, no one told me that! I thought it was just a day where we eat hot dogs and blow things up for no reason!

Rachel:So the whole family's huddled under one blanket, and my dad's like, 'Well, we could turn on the heat.' And my mom goes, 'Or we could just sit here like this for six months.'

Dr. Greene:I'm limbering up. When you say goodbye to Monica's friends, you need to be limber. One wrong move and you could pull a muscle waving.

Ross:I can explain my behavior! I had this incredible dessert earlier and I'm still riding the sugar high.

Dr. Greene:Or perhaps you'd like a créme de menthe. I have to be heading toward my chateau.

Monica:It's flan time!

Ross:Flan is just... it's like Jell-O, but with a more aggressive jiggle.

Joey:It's like looking at the inside of a person's body!

Rachel:I wish for something really special this year.

Rachel:*blows out candles*

Chandler:Oh wow, look at that! Your wish is coming true!

Chandler:The flan is flying!