The One With Five Steaks And An Eggplant

Character A · Character B:Man, I sure miss Julie. Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling... Julie! Okay, I see how you got there.

Chandler:I don't answer my phone because I'm busy. If I answered it, people would know I'm not busy.

Monica:That doesn't make any sense.

Jade:Hey, it's me. I'm drunk and I'm naked on your couch.

Character:I know.

Oddly specific claim about being a body double for legs only

Chandler:I'm sorry, what? Did you just say you had a successful phone conversation with an attractive woman?

Joey:Yeah, man. She called me back!

Chandler:Called you back? That's huge! I mean, you finally got a return on your investment.

Joey:What investment?

Chandler:Your phone! You've been paying for that thing for years!

Chandler:Okay, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna pretend I don't like her, then when she least expects it, I'll suddenly act interested. She'll be so confused, she'll have no choice but to fall for me.

Joey:Dude, that's not a plan, that's just being Chandler.

Chandler:Okay, fine. I'm pure evil. But at least I'm evil for a pathetic reason.

Monica:What reason?

Chandler:I wanted you to like me.

Character:Can you believe Ross wants $62 for his birthday?

Character:I mean, maybe it's like $6.20 and someone just added a zero?

Character:Or $6 and two cents that somehow became sixty-two dollars?

Monica:Okay, so we can't afford to go out because of Ross's birthday dinner last week.

Chandler:So what do we do?

Joey:We could make something at home.

Rachel:With what? We don't have any food.

Phoebe:We could eat the alphabet soup... without the soup.

Monica:That's just letters, Phoebe.

Ross:I have some expired yogurt in my fridge.

Chandler:How expired?

Ross:1997.

Joey:Perfect! That's a 1997 vintage yogurt!

Monica:I got the job! I'm the new lunch chef at Bloomingdale's!

Chandler:That's amazing!

Monica:I know! And if I didn't get it, why would I even be telling you this story?

Chandler:We should do something special to celebrate your promotion!

Joey:Yeah, we could go to that fancy restaurant downtown.

Ross:That place is really expensive though.

Phoebe:I could sell one of my kidneys.

Monica:Phoebe, no!

Phoebe:What? I have two of them. I only need one.

Chandler:Hey, I know Bob stood you up, but don't worry. He's just going through a really sensitive time right now.

Chandler:Here, have a tissue.

Monica:Here, take a tissue.

Chandler:Actually, I think you've hit your daily crying quota.

Monica:And the best part? I get my own beeper!

Joey:These prices are insane! What, the chickens must be celebrities or something?

Chandler:Yeah, like 'Chicken Denise Richards' – she costs extra.

Character:Wait, so you're telling me you've been pretending to be someone else this whole time?

Character:This is like Three's Company!

Character:Ordering expensive Thai chicken pizza... hoping that removing ingredients will reduce the already high price

Waiter:What would the side salad be on the side of?

Joey:On the side of my plate.

Waiter:No, I mean what would it be a side to?

Joey:Oh! On the side of my water glass.

Chandler:I'll have the cucumber soup.

Chandler:Actually, you know what? I'm outta here!

Customer:Can you sing 'Happy Birthday' for us?

Waiter:Sure thing!

Customer:Actually, on second thought... just wash your hands first.

Monica:Oh come on, we always split the bill equally!

Chandler:Monica, that was $300! I didn't even eat half of that!

Rachel:This is exactly like prom night when Brad said he'd pay and then—

Phoebe:Wait, Brad ditched you on prom?

Rachel:No, but he made everyone split his corsage cost, and it was humiliating!

Joey:So what you're saying is... financial betrayal at fancy events runs in your life?

Ross:Technically, this is worse because we're all adults and should know better.

Chandler:Yeah, at least at prom you could blame hormones. This is just sad.

Monica:So... how's everyone doing? Good? Great.

Chandler:Why do you sound like you're about to tell us someone died?

Monica:No one died. I just... we've noticed that when we all go out, there's this thing that happens.

Rachel:What thing?

Monica:The... the money thing. Some of us have more of it than others, and it gets weird.

Joey:Are you calling me poor?

Chandler:She's being very diplomatic about it.

Monica:I'm just saying, maybe we should be more... aware. Of different... financial situations.

Phoebe:I'm not offended. I've been poor, I've been rich—well, I've been poor.

Ross:This is incredibly awkward.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. There was going to be a hoopla?

Monica:Yes!

Ross:For me?

Chandler:So... leprosy. Am I right?

Monica:Chandler, I have something very special for you.

Chandler:Oh Monica, you shouldn't have!

Monica:But I did! *dramatically opens box* Behold!

Chandler:*gasps theatrically* It's... it's beautiful!

Phoebe:Yeah, okay, we get it. You guys are doing the thing.

Chandler:We practiced this bit, and it felt a lot less dorky in rehearsal.

Chandler:Well, we could always use the extra seats to display our collection of fancy hats.

Monica:Or we could just... sell them.

Chandler:Where's the fun in that?

Character:Casually adding major life update as if it's routine preparation

Joey:You had sex today?

Chandler:You had sex today?

Joey:You had sex today?

Chandler:Yeah!

Chandler:I don't need to screen my calls anymore. I'm having sex.

Jade:I bit my lip to keep from screaming your name.

Jade:And then he just... finished. Like, thirty seconds in. I've had longer commercial breaks.

Jade:The whole thing was awkward. You kept bumping your head on the headboard, you were sweating everywhere, and honestly, I'm not even sure you knew where anything was.

Jade:Two out of ten. And that's only because I'm being generous.

Stevie:Monica? Wow, it's been so long! How have you been?

Monica:Stevie! Oh my God, look at you! You're all grown up!

Stevie:Yeah, well... So, uh, how well did you know my dad back then?

Monica:What? Your dad? I mean, I knew him as your father. Why?

Stevie:No reason, just... did he ever try anything weird with you?

Monica:WHAT?!

Monica:It was Blowfish.

Joey:The band?

Monica:Yeah.

Character:You guys were all out having fun while I stayed home alone!

Character:You know what I did? I played this weird game where I guessed which finger you were thinking of.

Character:And I won. Every. Single. Time.

Monica:So I'm talking to the lead singer of the band, and he's really charming, and I'm laughing at all his jokes...

Chandler:And then what happened?

Monica:Well, he leaned in and gave me a hickey!

Joey:A hickey? From the lead singer? That's awesome!

Rachel:Monica, that's so unlike you!

Phoebe:Hickeys are just marks of passion, you know?

Character:I'll buy your coffee.

Character:Can I borrow twenty bucks?