The One with Phoebe's Husband

Oh, my God! What are you doing in here?! Mom, I gotta go! I gotta go!

That's fine, you just read the paper. I'm gonna get a pot. It's not for you.

Read the Family Circus... enjoy the gentle comedy...

Just tell her her husband stopped by. Her what?

How did you do that?

Of course I wouldn't approve! You were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay.

See? And you thought she'd be judgmental.

And I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

The fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours... from when you had sex with Bobby on the terrace!

Kind of the same as, say... I don't know, having a third nipple!

You bitch!

As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

You see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.

Joey was in a porno movie!

If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me!

They let me be the guy who fixes the copier but can't... because there's people having sex on it.

Pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance... to the magical land of Narnia.

You get the best huts, and women dance naked around you.

Are any of these cultures, per chance, in the Tri-State area?

The Ice Capades? No, the Gravel Capades.

The turns aren't as fast, but when Snoopy falls? Funny.

I see, I see. Because of the third-nipple thing.

Is it because she's so cold in bed?

Or because she's kind of bossy, makes it feel like school?

there is nothing sexier... than a man who does not want to have sex.

That just means it's working.

More than jewelry.

I remember when you were just King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice Is Nice.

Ole! What? The Matador... Ole!

Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But it's gone now. You're all right.

He told me to get over myself and just do it. I thought about what you said and about what he said. And his way, I get to have sex tonight, so...

I'm fine, if you're okay watching a video... filled with two-nippled people.

Well, you know, these movies are offensive... and degrading to women and females...

And the lighting's always unflattering.

Oh. Never mind. Wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

All I say is, she'd better get the job. Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

You know, that's bad for the paper tray.

I'm straight.

You're so smart and funny... and you throw such great Academy Award parties!

I guess on some level I always knew I was straight.

I'd get drunk, go to a straight bar... and wake up with a woman next to me.

Now I know I don't have a choice. I was born this way!

And then one day he says, 'Oh, I'm not gay!'

You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

That saves us the conversation.

I know her pretty well. Can I go?

My brother's straight, so...

So your brother's straight, huh?

No, Cobb. Like cobb salad. What exactly is in a cobb salad?

Boy, that Julie's a talker, huh?

well then, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

Really sort of soft at first. And then maybe brush the hair away from my face.

And then it's just happening.

Thanks, Rach. Good night!

Oh, God!

Twice!