The One With Phoebes Husband

Monica:This is a safe building, Mom. Really safe.

Monica:What the—

Intruder:Nobody move!

Monica:Oh my God! There's someone in my apartment!

Monica:Here, do you want the newspaper?

Monica:Because I will hit you with this pot.

Monica:You know what? Why don't you just read Garfield? It's really funny, and it might help you relax.

Monica:Can you tell Phoebe that Duncan called?

Duncan:Actually, it's her husband. We got married in Vegas.

Monica:Wait, you're married?!

Phoebe:Yeah, I got married in Vegas last week.

Monica:How did we not know about this?

Phoebe:Well, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Chandler:So what you're telling us is... you were married, and now you're not married?

Phoebe:Exactly!

Joey:That's like the world's saddest magic trick.

Phoebe:I didn't tell you because you'd be judgmental.

Monica:I would not be judgmental! What did you do?

Phoebe:[explains something]

Monica:Oh my God, that's so gross! How could you do that?!

Monica:That's disgusting!

Phoebe:See? See? That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Monica:She's been eating meat.

Monica:Phoebe's a vegetarian.

Monica:What haven't I told you?

Phoebe:Well, there was that time you and Chandler did it in Central Park.

Monica:How did you know about that?!

Phoebe:I was there. I didn't see you, but I heard some very distinctive sounds coming from behind the boathouse.

Monica:It's not that big of a secret.

Chandler:What? What secret?

Monica:Chandler has a third nipple.

Chandler:It's not that big!

Chandler:Why didn't you tell me? We're supposed to be friends!

Chandler:What do you mean it's useless? Do your nipples do something?

Chandler:It's not a nubbin, it's a thumb.

Joey:What's a nubbin?

Joey:I thought it was a small nub.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I've got a good one. Joey once cried during a dog food commercial.

Joey:That dog was really struggling, Chandler!

Chandler:No, no, no. The real secret is... Joey once asked me how to spell 'to.'

Joey:I was testing you!

Chandler:Oh, we're doing this? We're really doing this? Fine. I know about Monica and Chandler.

Monica:What?!

Chandler:That's right. And if you tell anyone about me and Rachel, I'm telling everyone about you two.

Joey:I was the guy who came in to fix the refrigerator.

Chandler:Well, I have a third nipple.

Monica:What?!

Chandler:Yeah, it's like a Scarlet Letter, except it's on my chest and it's not a letter.

Ross:In fact, in some cultures, a third nipple is considered a sign of virility.

Chandler:Yeah, and in this culture, it's considered weird.

Ross:Well, you know, it's not that uncommon. I read that one in two hundred men have a third nipple.

Joey:So you're saying there's a chance.

Chandler:Do they have those here?

Phoebe:It's like Ice Capades, but on gravel. And instead of skates, you wear regular shoes. And instead of, like, athletes, it's just people from the bus.

Phoebe:Okay, so gravel is much better than ice because gravel doesn't melt. Ice melts and then you slip. But gravel, gravel just sits there being all gritty and supportive.

Phoebe:Plus, gravel is better for the environment. Ice is just frozen water, which is wasteful. Gravel is like, recycled earth particles that have been through a lot.

Monica:Fill me up.

Chandler:That's what she said!

Monica:Chandler!

Chandler:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... you know, with the third nipple thing, I'm a little sexually confused right now.

Rachel:Well, maybe you're just not doing it right.

Ross:What?

Rachel:I mean, maybe if you just... I could show you.

Rachel:I'm just trying to be helpful, but maybe you should tell Julie that her laugh is a little... loud?

Rachel:And those jeans from 1987? Not really doing her any favors.

Ross:I don't know, I'm just worried that maybe I'm not... experienced enough.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's so not true. You know what? You should totally sleep with someone else first, just to build up your confidence.

Ross:Really?

Rachel:Yeah, absolutely. And you know who would be perfect for that? Me.

Rachel:You should make her wait. Make her wait for sex.

Ross:Why would I do that?

Rachel:Because if she really loves you, she'll wait. And if she doesn't... well, then at least you'll know that she's sleeping with other guys.

Ross:Women really want this?

Rachel:Oh my God, yes! Are you kidding? This is like Christmas morning, my birthday, and winning the lottery all rolled into one!

Phoebe:Wow, Duncan, you've really made it! I'm so proud of you!

Duncan:Thanks, Phoebe. It's been quite a journey.

Phoebe:You know, this reminds me of the time Mr. Rogers did that ice show. 'Won't You Be My Neighbor... On Ice!' It was beautiful.

Duncan:¡Olé!

Phoebe:Oh my God, Duncan, you look amazing!

Julie:You know, being a paleontologist must be really hard. You're always digging up the past. But maybe you could focus on the present... with me?

Ross:Well, let's see... Rachel's advice has been helpful, insightful, and thoughtful. Joey's advice has been... well, Joey's advice. But Joey's advice comes with benefits.

Joey:See?

Ross:So I'm going with Joey.

Chandler:Well, I have a third nipple. So if anyone's going to be in a porno, it should be me.

Monica:We shouldn't watch porn because it's degrading to women and females.

Monica:I just think there are so many problems with pornography. The exploitation, the degradation of women, the...

Monica:I mean, the lighting is terrible. Who do these people think they're fooling with those overhead fluorescents?

Ross:Wait, so in this scene, they're just... typing the whole time?

Chandler:Ross, no. They're not typing.

Ross:But their fingers are moving so fast! And there's all this heavy breathing... I just assumed it was a really intense typing test.

Joey:Oh my God.

Ross:What? The guy's form is actually quite good! Very efficient keyboard technique.

Ross:I really hope she gets the job.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I hope I get the job... if you know what I mean.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Before we start, I just want to make sure — is this copier on a maintenance contract? Because I don't want to break something and have to pay for it.

Duncan:I need a divorce.

Rachel:What? Why? I thought you two were happy.

Duncan:I thought so too, but my husband just told me he's straight.

Monica:Wait, he's straight? How did you not know that before you got married?

Duncan:He told me he was gay!

Chandler:So what, he was lying this whole time?

Duncan:Apparently he was just going through a phase.

Phoebe:Wait, Duncan's straight? But he's a hairdresser!

Phoebe:And he has a cat named Mr. Whiskers!

Phoebe:And he cried during Steel Magnolias!

Duncan:I guess on some level I always knew I was straight.

Duncan:Yeah, I experimented in college. I went to a lot of straight bars.

Duncan:I was born this way. I didn't choose to be straight.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Duncan, that's huge! Wait, so you're saying you've been living a double life this whole time?

Duncan:Yes, Phoebe. I couldn't tell anyone.

Phoebe:Well, I'm not even mad. That's actually kind of cool. Oh, by the way, I'm a former street person who lived in a box, so... we've all got our stuff.

Ross:Has anyone else noticed that Marcel's cage smells like a Bangladeshi restaurant?

Ross:I think there's something wrong with Marcel. He smells like... monkey.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, thank God you said that, because I thought it was me.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. I'm her boyfriend. Don't I get some kind of boyfriend privilege here? Like, I should be exempt from this, right?

Duncan:My parents will be okay with me being straight. I have a straight brother as precedent for acceptance.

Phoebe:So your brother's single?

Julie · Monica:No, Cobb. Like cobb salad. What exactly is in a cobb salad?

Julie:And then I said to him, you know, I've always believed that communication is the key to any relationship, and so I thought maybe we could sit down and really talk about our feelings, and what we both want out of life, and where we see ourselves in five years, and whether we're compatible in terms of our life goals and our values and our sense of humor and our taste in movies and music and food and...

Chandler:She talks a lot.

Rachel:I mean, it's not like it's just sex, Ross. It's your first time with Julie. This is a huge moment. You're gonna remember this forever. No pressure.

Rachel:You just have to lean in, make eye contact, and then...

Rachel:...he pulls you close, his hand on your face, and time just stops...

Rachel:And then he kisses you like you're the only person in the world...

Rachel:Oh my God, who am I kidding? I'm thinking about Ross right now, aren't I?

Rachel:Okay, so you're telling me you've never tried the thing where you, like, really focus on what they're saying but also think about what you're wearing?

Rachel:Because I do that all the time and it's like, totally works. Also, you should definitely wear something that makes you feel confident, like really confident, like how I feel in my new Marc Jacobs dress.

Rachel:Oh my God, wait, what were we talking about?

Ross:So... I'm just gonna go. Yeah. I'll see you later.

Rachel:He's leaving. He's actually leaving.

Rachel:We almost kissed! We were *this close* and now he's just... going to London?

Rachel:This is so typical. Of course this would happen to me.

Monica:Wow, you got some action last night!

Ross:Yeah, I did! TWO times!