The One With The Baby On The Bus

Monica:Oh, what's wrong, sweetie? Goo goo ga ga?

Monica:Is it your diaper? Your tummy? Boop boop snoozle?

Monica:Okay, okay, let's try this: Wiggle wiggle flibberdibbet zoompity zoop!

Monica:Shnicka-shnicka-boom boom, little guy? Sproingy-doingy-dip dip dip?

Ross:Come on, Ben, it's okay. Daddy's here.

Monica:Here, let me try.

Ross:No, no, he clearly wants me. We have a bond.

Ben:*cries louder*

Monica:Oh, he stopped crying for me.

Ross:That's... that's just a coincidence.

Chandler:Give him to me.

Ben:*immediately stops crying and smiles*

Ross:What?! How are you better at this than me?

Phoebe:I want to try!

Ben:*reaches happily toward Phoebe*

Rachel:Oh, my turn!

Ben:*coos and laughs*

Ross:I'm his father! What is happening?

Chandler:Mr. Cranky Pants? That's a lovely girl.

Monica:Okay, okay, there has to be something that stops the crying.

Monica:What if I just... hold my breath?

Monica:No, that's not working. Um, what about pinching the bridge of my nose?

Monica:Still crying. Okay, okay, think Monica, think. What about... ice water on the face?

Monica:Nope! How about standing on my head?

Monica:This is ridiculous!

Monica:What? What is it? What's wrong?

Chandler:Maybe he's hungry.

Monica:I just fed him!

Rachel:He might need to be burped.

Monica:I burped him! Oh my God, what if I'm a terrible mother? What if he knows? What if he's crying because he can sense that I'm going to mess him up? Oh God, he's going to be in therapy at 25 blaming me for everything!

Joey:Mon, you're freaking out about having kids someday, but you don't even have a boyfriend right now.

Chandler:I'm not a girl. And even if I was, I'd want a boyfriend who doesn't make me laugh at his own jokes.

Ross:Mm, this is excellent key lime pie.

Monica:That's not key lime pie.

Ross:What?

Ross:Monica, where's the key lime pie?

Monica:Oh, I made kiwi lime instead.

Ross:Kiwi lime? Monica, the recipe said KEY lime.

Monica:I know what I heard, Ross. Besides, kiwi lime is basically the same thing.

Ross:It is absolutely not the same thing!

Monica:Well, they're both green and they both have lime in the name.

Ross:No, no, it's not swelling. I think I'm just getting a cold. My sinuses are really backed up.

Ross:I don't need a shot. I'm fine.

Monica:Ross, you need the shot.

Ross:No, you know what? Let's go get coffee instead.

Chandler:You can't watch the baby, Joey. You don't have any experience with kids.

Joey:Are you kidding? I'm great with kids. I've changed 200 diapers.

Chandler:Joey, you've been an adult for 30 years.

Chandler:Oh sure, I'd be happy to watch the baby. I mean, it's not like I have a job or a life or anything.

Chandler:No, no, you go ahead. I'll just cancel my very important plans of sitting on my couch in my underwear.

Chandler:I'm a giver. A martyr, really. They should make a statue of me. A sad, bitter statue.

Joey:My uncle had a tongue like that. It was huge.

Chandler:So what happened to him?

Joey:Well, he couldn't talk, he couldn't eat. He had to leave the show.

Chandler:How long is it?

Phoebe:I wrote a song about writing a song. It's called 'Writing a Song.'

Phoebe:I'm sitting here with my guitar, writing a song about sitting here with my guitar, writing a song.

Phoebe:My fingers are on the strings, I'm thinking of words that rhyme with 'strings.' Now I'm singing the words that I'm thinking.

Phoebe:This song is about the song I'm writing. The song is happening right now, as I write it, in real time, in this song.

Phoebe:And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget

Terry:It's that she's so bad she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.

Joey:We didn't bring enough stuff!

Chandler:What? We have diapers, formula, clothes, toys, books, a stroller, a car seat, a crib, a bassinet, a swing, a bouncer, a playpen, and a high chair. What else could we possibly need?

Joey:I don't know, maybe a forklift?

Chandler:A forklift. Because that's what every baby needs. A forklift. For what, exactly? Lifting their toys?

Joey:You see, the baby is like bait. Women see the baby, they come over, and boom—I move in for the kill.

Chandler:Joey, that's not a strategy, that's a war crime.

Joey:Hey, all's fair in love and war. Speaking of which, I've locked onto target at two o'clock.

Monica:Please tell me you're not using Ben as a wingman.

Joey:I prefer to think of it as an offensive maneuver.

Woman:Who's the cute baby?

Joey:Oh, that's me!

Woman:I think you misunderstood me. I meant your cologne.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I love that smell! It's like... it's like my heart just exploded into a million pieces.

Woman:Oh my God, you two are so sweet! Are you guys... together?

Joey:What? No, no, we're not—

Chandler:We're just friends.

Woman:Oh, that's so wonderful that you adopted! You must be such a great couple.

Joey:No, we're not a couple.

Chandler:This is actually my baby with my wife.

Woman:Oh... well, you're both still amazing parents!

Phoebe:I can't believe they replaced me with someone who uses erasable chalk! That's not a commitment, that's a suggestion!

Phoebe:You know, if you're gonna replace me, the least you could do is give me the royal treatment. I'm talking about a nice hotel, room service, and one of those things... you know, that the king holds in his hand. It's like a stick, but fancier?

Phoebe:Well, Terry is bad because he does bad things. And we know he does bad things because he's bad.

Rachel:I'll clean the machine if you want.

Terry:You'll clean it? When's the last time you cleaned anything?

Rachel:I clean things!

Terry:Name one thing.

Rachel:I... well... I cleaned my apartment once.

Terry:Once? Rachel, you've lived here for five years!

Phoebe:I can't believe you're not gonna pay me like a professional!

Phoebe:I AM a professional! I've been doing this for years!

Phoebe:You know what? Fine. But I'm gonna need you to go down on me.

Ross:I'm not getting a shot. There's gotta be another way.

Doctor:Well, there is an alternative...

Ross:Yes! Anything! I'll do anything!

Doctor:You could swallow this pill... but you'd have to swallow it whole, and it's about the size of a golf ball.

Ross:A golf ball? That's insane! Just give me the shot.

Monica:You can squeeze my hand if you need to.

Ross:Okay, thanks.

Monica:Ow! Ow! OW! Ross, you're breaking my hand!

Ross:You said I could squeeze it!

Monica:I didn't think you'd actually do it!

Chandler:Well, maybe we should just lean into it. We could get matching outfits, hold hands in public, really commit to the bit.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not holding your hand!

Chandler:Come on, it'll be fun. We could get a cute little apartment together, adopt a dog...

Woman:Oh, what a beautiful baby! He's so handsome!

Joey:I know, right? He's very vain about it too. This morning he spent twenty minutes looking at himself in the mirror.

Chandler:We're not a couple! I mean, we're not together. I mean, we could be, theoretically, but we're not. Not that there's anything wrong with that! I mean, I'm not gay. Not that gay is bad! I'm just saying I'm not gay. We're just friends. Best friends. Who live together. And do everything together. And sometimes finish each other's... sandwiches.

Joey:We live in a place with walls and a door.

Joey:ROSS! ROSS!

Chandler:He's a baby, Joey. He's not gonna come running.

Joey:Well what do you wanna do?!

Joey:Hey! Hey, stop the bus! Stop the bus!

Chandler:Yeah, because a baby can really reach the cord.

Ross:Celebrate... celeb... no, it's celebrate. Cel-e-brate. Why is that so hard to say?

Chandler:Because you're having an allergic reaction and your face is swollen.

Ross:No, I can say other words fine. It's just... cel... brate... See? See what I'm doing?

Phoebe:Hi, I'm Phoebe Buffay. I play guitar here.

Replacement Musician:Oh yeah, where's your name on the board?

Phoebe:It should be right there... oh my God, it says 'French Fries.'

Phoebe:Well, mine has a strap.

Chandler:Hi, yes, I'm calling because I need to know if the subway runs all night? I'm doing research for a... a book I'm writing. It's about a man who takes the subway at 3 AM to meet his, uh, girlfriend. Who is not his wife.

Joey:Hello? Yeah, I'm looking for my stuff. Did you guys find a leather jacket, maybe some headshots? No? Well, I'm also looking for my baby.

Phoebe:This place is a dump! The acoustics are terrible, the bathroom smells like a yak died in it, and the owner is a total cheapskate who won't even spring for decent lighting!

Phoebe:But I'm gonna keep singing here anyway because apparently no one else wants to book me!

Chandler:No, no, no! I'm not the father! I can't even... I mean, we haven't even... It's not possible!

Transit Worker:Relax, buddy.

Chandler:No, you don't understand. I'm infertile! I can't have children! I'm shooting blanks here!

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I know which one's mine. It's... it's the one with the... the face.

Joey:Wait, they all have faces.

Joey:Okay, okay, it's the cute one.

Joey:They're all cute. Why are they all so cute?!

Chandler:That's Ben. I'd recognize that mole anywhere.

Joey:Yeah, well, he had it removed.

Joey:Okay, heads is the duck, tails is the clown.

Joey:Wait, no. Tails is the duck, because ducks have tails.

Joey:And heads is the clown, because... clowns have heads.

Joey:Ducks have heads.

Chandler:Yes, Joey, ducks have heads.

Joey:Then why do they always look so surprised?

Chandler:I don't know. Why?

Joey:Because they just found out they have a head!

Chandler:Joey, how do you know about headless clowns?

Phoebe:Look how much I made today busking! Isn't that amazing?

Phoebe:Okay, fine. I may have... put some of my own money in the tip jar to make it look fuller.

Phoebe:I make money from 'Sticky Shoes' and 'The Song That Never Ends,' but you know what the weirdest tip I ever got for 'Smelly Cat'? A guy gave me a coupon for a free colonoscopy.

Chandler:Oh no, my emergency condom! I threw it out!

Chandler:It's been in my wallet since high school!

Joey:Dude, that thing's older than your last girlfriend.

Chandler:That's not funny! I need that condom!

Chandler:Oh God, where's the trash? Where's the trash?!

Ross:You remember when I jammed a pencil in your hand?

Monica:Oh my God, yes! Look, I still have the scar.

Ross:No, that's not the scar. That's just a line on your hand.

Monica:No, this is the scar! See how dark it is?

Monica:Ross! Why did you cut the legs off my Ken doll?

Ross:Well, actually, I was doing a surgical procedure. Ken had a compound fracture and I was attempting to perform an amputation to save his life.

Monica:He's a doll, Ross!

Ross:A doll in need of medical intervention, Monica. The appendages were clearly compromised.

Ross:Where's Ben? Where is he?

Joey:He's in the other room.

Chandler:We're gonna go get him now.

Ross:What do you mean 'go get him'? You don't know where he is?

Joey:Well, we kind of... we may have picked up the wrong baby.

Ross:WHAT?!

Chandler:We went to the park, we came back with a baby, but now that I look at him...

Joey:He's not ours.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross! Is that a kiwi? Stay back! We need to get you to a hospital!

Ross:Monica, I'm fine, I just—

Monica:No! I'm calling an ambulance. Everyone, clear the apartment! We have a biohazard situation!

Chandler:It's just a kiwi.

Monica:Just a kiwi?! This fruit could kill him! I'm putting it in a hazmat container.

Stephanie:Can we start from the top?

Phoebe:From the top? Oh, that was the top. That was the artistic peak of the song. It only gets weirder from here.