The One With Phoebes Ex Partner

Phoebe:Wow! A song with rhyming words? That's so innovative!

Phoebe:Oh wow, you like Leslie? That's amazing! I mean, she can play guitar AND sing at the same time. It's like she's a musical genius or something!

Phoebe:Oh sure, because playing the same three chords over and over again is really hard.

Monica:Well, you know, some people can't even do that.

Phoebe:Yeah, like Joey.

Joey:Hey! I can play the recorder.

Chandler:That's not an instrument, that's a toy they give to children in music class so the teacher can have a nervous breakdown.

Ross:So... Phoebe's style is very... unique. And Leslie's style is also... very... unique.

Monica:That's not a difference, Ross.

Ross:I know! That's the problem!

Phoebe:They're so relieved it's over.

Leslie:Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say? I Loved When We Were...Singing Partners and I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way.

Unknown:One of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs.

Phoebe:How did you find me?

Leslie:I followed the smell of dead things and despair down to a place where they were selling things that looked like they'd been dead for a while, near some guys in rubber aprons throwing ice around.

Unknown:If 'big-fish place' comes up again...I'd like to know if that's several big fish or just one big fish.

Phoebe:I didn't say he writes jingles. I said he writes jingles and he's a little creepy.

Leslie:Well, I wrote jingles for a living. You know, 'Mockolate, it's not quite chocolate, but it's close!'

Phoebe:I stopped doing jingles.

Monica:Why?

Phoebe:Well, I wrote one for a hemorrhoid cream, and it was really successful, but I didn't want that to be my legacy.

Phoebe:I can't get back together with you, Leslie. I'm sorry, but we're just not right for each other.

Leslie:Come on, Phoebe. Just give us another chance.

Phoebe:I can't get back together with you, Leslie. I'm sorry, but we're just not right for each other.

Phoebe:I'm never going to forgive you. Ever. I'm going to carry this grudge to my grave, and then I'm going to haunt you from beyond the grave and make your life miserable for all eternity.

Phoebe:I'm like the Ice Woman. I'm cold, I'm beautiful, and I can freeze you in your tracks.

Phoebe:Nothing can penetrate my icy exterior.

Phoebe:Do you have a tissue?

Joey:I'm in here! And I'm gonna be a while! I'm holding it, okay?! I'm holding it like a football!

Chandler:Joey, did you fall down the stairs?

Chandler:Did you fall... while high?

Joey:Yeah, okay, I used the men's room. But hey, I left the toilet seat up for the next guy. You're welcome.

Joey:Hey, I'm Joey. How you doin'?

Ginger:

Joey:You gonna say anything back?

Joey:Hey there, beautiful. You come here often?

Ginger:Um, do you need something?

Joey:Yeah, I need your number. But first, has anyone ever told you that you have the most amazing smile?

Joey:I don't need to go to the bathroom. I'm fine.

Joey:Ginger, I'm just gonna... I'll be right back!

Ginger:Joey, I can see you behind the couch.

Joey:No you can't!

Joey:That was close!

Ross:I have bad news.

Ross:I can join you for dinner, but I have to work later.

Ross:So you just... quit? You quit your job?

Ross:Just like that? You were working, and now you're not working?

Ross:Because you were tired of working?

Monica:Why are you eating a cricket?

Ross:It's actually quite common in many Asian cultures. Crickets are a good source of protein and—

Chandler:Ross, no one cares.

Phoebe:Good luck with that.

Phoebe:Oh, Leslie and I, we go way back. Our mothers used to work together on a barge.

Phoebe:I grew up on a barge.

Monica:You grew up on a barge?

Phoebe:Yeah, it was really great. We'd throw our garbage right into the water.

Joey:That's disgusting.

Phoebe:No, it was beautiful! All the kids would swim around, and the rats would bring us gifts.

Phoebe:You can't have kids on a barge! They have to wear a life jacket, and there's a very strict five-foot rule.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Ginger? Not... Ginger the dog?

Chandler:What? No, she's a woman.

Joey:Oh, thank God. Because I may have... let's just say I wasn't very nice to a Ginger once.

Unknown:Confirming the name is Ginger

Unknown:Reference to Ginger Rogers, classic movie star

Joey:What? I didn't do anything to Ginger! Well, okay, maybe I did a little something, but it wasn't that bad. I mean, she's fine! She's totally fine! Why does everyone keep asking me about this? I feel like I'm being accused of something here. Which I'm not. But if I was, it wouldn't be as bad as you're probably thinking. So can we just drop it?

Joey:I can't tell you guys this story.

Chandler:Why not?

Joey:Because it's too embarrassing.

Monica:Come on, just tell us.

Joey:No, you guys are gonna judge me.

Ross:We won't judge you.

Joey:Yes you will. Everyone always does.

Phoebe:We promise we won't.

Joey:You know what? The fact that I'm being so mysterious about this just makes you guys want to know even more, doesn't it?

Rachel:Yes! Exactly! Just tell us!

Joey:You're not gonna make me tell it!

Rachel:Oh yes I am.

Joey:No you're not!

Rachel:Yes I am. And if you don't, I'm gonna make you tell it in front of Chandler.

Joey:No! Not Chandler!

Joey:What? What'd I do?

Chandler:You just threw Ugly Naked Guy's dog on the fire!

Joey:I thought it was a log!

Monica:Joey, that's a living creature!

Joey:Well it wasn't moving!

Joey:No, no, no! I didn't burn the dog. I wish I burned the dog.

Joey:I burned Ginger's prosthetic leg.

Chandler:You burned her leg?!

Joey:Well, it wasn't attached!

Joey:Wait, wait. She has a prosthetic leg?

Chandler:Yeah.

Joey:Oh my God. OH MY GOD.

Joey:I burned her leg off!

Joey:I panicked and ran out of the apartment.

Joey:And I was wearing mismatched socks.

Chandler:That was the best kiss I've ever had in a bathroom.

Chandler:Well, that's good, because the artificial limbs are immune to cold.

Chandler:So you're getting bionic feet?

Ginger:Not yet. But I'm keeping my options open for next season.

Ross:I don't have too many friends! And besides, maintaining adult friendships is hard. You have to actually put in effort.

Monica:That's exactly the problem, Ross. You expect everyone to just be available whenever you want.

Ross:That's not true! I'm just saying, back in elementary school, if you wanted to be friends with someone, you just walked up and said 'wanna be friends?' and they said yes. Why can't it be that simple now?

Chandler:Because we're adults, Ross. We can't just walk up to someone at the grocery store and go, 'Wanna be friends?'

Ross:Why not? It worked perfectly fine when we were kids!

Rachel:Is that supposed to be funny?

Ross:Coming from the woman who laughs at her own jokes before the punchline.

Ross:I could be a fashion... fashion... fashion monger.

Phoebe:A watched pot never boils.

Phoebe:I have a pair of shoes, they're my favorite pair. I wear them everywhere, I love them so much.

Phoebe:They're sticky though, because I stepped in something really icky.

Ross:You know, I have to say, you look absolutely stunning today. That dress is... wow.

Rachel:Ross, we're in the middle of your lecture.

Ross:I know, I know, but I couldn't help myself. You're very distracting.

Leslie:You know, Phoebe, 'Smelly Cat' would make a great commercial jingle.

Phoebe:Really? You think so?

Leslie:Absolutely. I can see it now: 'Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you?'

Leslie:You know, Phoebe, you could make real money if you recorded your songs.

Phoebe:Oh, I know. I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Phoebe:Oh, that's so sellout-y!

Chandler:Yeah, I hate that too. It's like, one day it's fresh and delicious, the next day it's a criminal. I'm pretty sure milk murdered my cereal last week. And don't even get me started on yogurt — that stuff's been embezzling from my fridge for months.

Chandler:She's got a great personality, she's smart, she's funny...

Ross:Yeah, but she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Joey:She's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful...

Joey:But what about her personality? Does she have a good personality?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. She can cook, right? Please tell me she can cook!

Joey:Okay, okay, but the important thing - does she like me? Does she actually like me?

Joey:No, no, no - I got it. She's not a dog, right? Please don't tell me she's a dog.

Chandler:I'm bothered by the prosthetic leg. I know it's shallow, but I am.

Chandler:And I hate myself for it.

Chandler:I'm the smallest person here.

Ross:Are you kidding? Joey's way smaller than you.

Joey:She didn't say anything, she just kind of looked at me.

Joey:But in a funny way, right?

Ross:I don't snore!

Chandler:Dude, you snore so loud, the guy in the apartment next to you thinks he lives on an airport.

Ross:I do not snore. And for your information, I was awake during that entire lecture on dress straps.

Monica:Ross, you were asleep.

Ross:I was not asleep! Although, if I'm being honest, I don't think we needed forty-five minutes on dress straps.

Ross:Yeah, well, you know, it's not like paleontology is rocket science. Although, come to think of it, rocket science is probably easier to understand than fashion.

Ross:See? Jurassic Park proved that people love dinosaurs. If they made a fashion-themed dinosaur movie, it would be huge.

Chandler:What would they call it, 'Jurassic Parka'?

Rachel:Oh my God, that movie sounds absolutely insane! So there's like, dinosaurs, but they're in a theme park? And then everything goes wrong and people are like running everywhere screaming? That's so stupid, I love it!

Chandler:I got a nubbin.

Ginger:What's a nubbin?

Ginger:You have three nipples?

Chandler:I have to go. There's nothing— I mean, there's no nubbin I can do about it.

Phoebe:You sold Smelly Cat? You big, fat did it!

Leslie:You have to choose between partnership and your artistic integrity.

Phoebe:Well, that's easy. I choose partnership.

Leslie:Really? You'd give up 'Smelly Cat'?

Phoebe:Oh, that cat-poopy thing? Yeah, I can live without it.

Phoebe:OK, so this is a song I've been working on. It's pretty sad, but I think it's gonna be really good. It's called 'My Angry Vagina.'

Phoebe:My angry vagina! My angry vagina! It's angry and it's—oh, that's all I have so far.

Chandler:I went to the doctor today.

Chandler:Turns out I had a third nipple removed. Come toArdo's — we have three nipples, now we have two.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! I'm not listening to this! You know what, when I was a kid, I didn't have two of anything!

Chandler:Could I BE any less funny now that they removed my nipple?

Chandler:Wait... you're telling me this whole time, my sense of humor wasn't even real? It was just... a third nipple?

Chandler:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. All those jokes, all those one-liners... I thought I was funny! I thought people actually liked me!

Chandler:I'm not a comedian. I'm just a guy with a weird chest.