The One Where Ross And Rachel Take A Bre

Joey:You want me to eat olives? That'll be fifty bucks.

Chandler:Joey, you have to pay for the olives.

Joey:How much?

Joey:Okay!

Phoebe:So I met this guy at the U.N.

Phoebe:I was giving massages there, and he was, like, really stressed out about some trade agreement.

Phoebe:Anyway, he asked me out, and he wants to take me somewhere special, so he needs an atlas to plan the trip.

Phoebe:But here's the thing - he's only available on days when the General Assembly is in session, and he can only meet me in the massage room because that's where I was when he fell in love with me.

Phoebe:Well, you see, when you give a massage, you're not just manipulating muscles and tissue. You're manipulating the very fabric of human connection. It's like... the United Nations, but for bodies.

Phoebe:Plus, I get to travel, help people, and tell everyone at parties that I work for the U.N. So really, who's the sucker now?

Phoebe:Massage is the only way to achieve world peace. When you massage someone, you're not just healing their body, you're healing their soul, and when enough souls are healed, war becomes impossible.

Monica:Pheebs, that's beautiful, but I don't think the Nobel Prize committee is going to call.

Phoebe:Well, they should! I'm basically doing what the United Nations does, except my way actually works and doesn't involve as many corrupt politicians.

Phoebe:It starts with a Q.

Monica:We need to find a place in the country where we can all go for the weekend.

Phoebe:Ooh, I have a map!

Monica:Great! Where is it?

Phoebe:It's a map of the moon.

Monica:Phoebe, we need a map of Earth.

Phoebe:Oh, I have one of those too!

Monica:You do? Where?

Phoebe:It's from 1987.

Monica:That's... that's actually okay. Can I see it?

Phoebe:I can't. I used it to line Smelly Cat's litter box.

Phoebe:Okay, I have a globe that can help us figure this out.

Monica:Phoebe, that's a pencil sharpener.

Phoebe:It's a globe AND a pencil sharpener!

Joey:Hey, I'll go copy those things for you at the Xerox place.

Joey:Yeah, I'll do it. No problem. I go there all the time anyway.

Joey:There's this girl who works there. She is so hot.

Monica:Joey, you don't even have a copy machine at home?

Chandler:Yeah, and since when do you need to make copies anyway?

Joey:I have... important documents.

Monica:Joey, the only document you've ever signed is a headshot release form.

Chandler:He's going to see the copy girl.

Copy Girl:You two are in love with the same woman?

Chandler:Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like we're both crazy.

Chloe:Yeah, I saw you guys earlier today.

Joey:Oh... uh... where?

Chloe:At the grocery store. You were in the produce section.

Joey:Oh! Right, yeah... I was just, uh... buying groceries.

Chloe:That's what I said.

Joey:Right, right. Cool. So... what aisle were you in when you saw me see you?

Joey:A threesome? I'm in! Wait, what's the event?

Phoebe:The city just feels like home, you know? It's like the city is my soulmate.

Phoebe:Wait, no. I mean... the city is great, but not in a weird way. I'm not in love with the city. That would be crazy.

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. He wants to kiss me? Why would he want to kiss me? I don't even know him!

Phoebe:Oh my God, is this a diplomatic thing? Because I don't think I'm allowed to do that. I think that's like, illegal or something.

Monica:Phoebe, where are you pointing?

Phoebe:That tiny country right there.

Monica:That's Luxembourg.

Phoebe:Oh right, where all those people got trapped in the Big Cheese Famine of 1887.

Ross:Monica, what is this?

Monica:It's a ladybug. A fancy ladybug.

Ross:It has... seventeen legs.

Monica:It's fancy!

Monica:What kind of name is Erica?

Phoebe:It's not Erica, it's Ursula.

Joey:*nervous laughter*

Joey:Wait, wait. So during this whole thing, we're not making eye contact, right?

Joey:So you're saying if our hands accidentally touch, we have to switch partners?

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You made that a rule? That's not a rule! That's a nightmare!

Joey:Well, you gotta have rules, man.

Chandler:Not that rule! Not the hand-touch rule! I can't be responsible for that level of accidental contact!

Joey:Heads or tails?

Chandler:Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not really comfortable with that kind of thing.

Ross:Rachel, I wanted to surprise you at work today.

Rachel:Ross, this is so sweet!

Sophie:Wow, I really need to up my game. My boyfriend just grunts at me.

Ross:Hey, I brought you some pepper.

Rachel:Ross, I'm in the middle of a crisis at work.

Ross:I know, that's why I thought... pepper?

Rachel:Pepper.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross! You're like Curly from the Three Stooges!

Rachel:You know what? I don't care if you bring a picnic to the office. I really don't.

Rachel:But if you're a park ranger, that's different. Park rangers need picnics.

Chloe:The X-5000 makes an X-50 look like a T-71.

Ross:I need a 400% enlargement on this document.

Office Worker:That's insane, Ross. No one needs that.

Ross:I don't care, just do it!

Office Worker:Now whenever someone asks for something completely unreasonable, we just say 'Don't pull a Ross on me.'

Monica:Oh my God, I just realized... the waiter's been so attentive because he thinks I'm... I mean, he probably speaks French and heard what I said and now he thinks I'm...

Chandler:That explains the extra breadsticks.

Phoebe:I'm trying to have some privacy here!

Monica:Phoebe, it's just a menu.

Phoebe:Well, it's working!

Joey:Wait, so you're saying Uncle Lenny didn't actually get cramps and drown?

Chandler:No, he's fine. He just believed it and never went swimming after eating.

Joey:So all those years he avoided the pool for nothing?

Chandler:Yep. Your uncle spent his whole life being terrified of something that was never going to happen.

Joey:That's actually kind of sad.

Chandler:Tell me about it. The man missed out on so many pool parties... for absolutely no reason.

Rachel:I told him he treats me like a park ranger, something, ugh...

Monica:Here, honey. Oh, sweetie, don't cry. Here's a tissue.

Monica:Oh my God, you're not gonna die, are you? Because I just read that tissues have a really high mortality rate.

Monica:You silly diplomat. Why don't you learn some English, Sergei?

Monica:My translator has diplomatic coupons.

Phoebe:Well, that's great, but I don't think coupons help if he doesn't speak the language.

Phoebe:Okay, um, let's try this. Just one word at a time.

Sergei:Da.

Phoebe:Good! Um... Coffee?

Sergei:Da.

Phoebe:Oh my God, it's working!

Ross:Rachel? Rachel, are you here?

Phoebe:You know, English is a really hard language to learn. I mean, look at the word 'live' — it's pronounced two different ways, and nobody knows why!