The One Where Monica And Richard Are Jus

Customer:Hi, I'd like to return these videos. I know they're a few minutes late, but—

Video store clerk:A few minutes? Let me check the timestamp. You're past the cutoff by exactly three minutes.

Customer:Three minutes? That's hardly late at all!

Video store clerk:Three minutes, three hours—doesn't matter. Late is late. That'll be forty-five dollars.

Customer:Forty-five dollars?! For three minutes?!

Video store clerk:Store policy. Should've thought of that before you decided to watch the end of Seinfeld.

Video Clerk:You know, people come in here all the time trying to negotiate their late fees. They think they're special. But I have the power here. Me. The video clerk.

Video Clerk:I can waive them or enforce them. I can make their day or ruin it. It's intoxicating, really.

Customer:It's just a late fee.

Video Clerk:Exactly. That's what makes it beautiful. In the real world, nobody listens to me. But here? Here I am God.

Monica:Oh my God, Richard! What happened to your mustache?

Richard:I shaved it off. What do you think?

Monica:You look... bald.

Richard:Monica, is that...

Monica:What?

Richard:You have, um... something stuck to your sweater.

Monica:Oh my God!

Richard:Static cling.

Monica:This is so embarrassing.

Monica:It's just static cling. Throw the clothes back in the dryer with a damp cloth for a few minutes.

Chandler:Or, hear me out, God is trying to tell us something about our laundry habits.

Monica:That's not how static cling works.

Chandler:Well, that's not how God works either, but here we are.

Chandler:A Clockwork Orange? More like A Clockwork Orgy!

Monica:I don't know if I'm ready to see you. The timing just feels... I mean, emotionally, I'm not sure I can handle this right now.

Richard:Well, what time works better for you? I can do dinner next Tuesday or Thursday.

Joey:Hey Chandler, you want some chocolate milk?

Chandler:No thanks, I'm too old for that.

Chandler:I'm sorry I worked late. Let me make it up to you.

Monica:How?

Chandler:Well, I was thinking I could take you to that new French restaurant you wanted to go to.

Monica:Really?

Chandler:Or we could just stay in and I could give you a little oral pleasure.

Monica:You're working late? That's so inconsiderate! You know I hate eating dinner alone.

Chandler:I know, I'm sorry. But my boss really needs me to finish this project.

Monica:Well, maybe if you just... work from home?

Chandler:I can't work from home.

Monica:Oh. Well then, you should definitely stay as late as you need to. That's very important. Your career is so sexy.

Monica:Okay, so you'll teach me guitar and I'll teach you aerobics?

Phoebe:Yeah, okay. But I'm gonna need you to be very... hands on.

Monica:When I ran into him at the video store. He owed me a late fee.

Rachel:Okay, but Monica, you can't just have an innocent meal with an ex. That's like saying you can have an innocent shower with someone.

Rachel:Monica, honey, you're going to end up sleeping with him.

Chandler:We're not.

Monica:Can you check the freezer for ice?

Chandler:Well, let me think about this logically. Ice is cold. The freezer is cold. So yes, there's probably ice in the freezer.

Joey:Hey, I just realized something. I can fit my entire fist in my mouth.

Rachel:Joey, why is 'The Shining' in the freezer?

Joey:Oh, I got scared watching it, so I figured if I freeze it, maybe it'll chill out.

Rachel:Wait, so you're telling me that if I put myself in the freezer, I won't age?

Joey:That's right. It's science.

Rachel:Joey, that's not how it works.

Joey:No, no, I'm pretty sure it does. I saw it in a movie once. Or... I think I did.

Joey:I got a system. Every time I buy ice cream, I put a picture of myself on the box.

Chandler:Why would you do that?

Joey:So when I open the freezer and see my face, I think, 'Oh, that's Joey's ice cream. I can't eat that.'

Monica:Does it work?

Joey:No! I just think he's not gonna mind.

Joey:Hey, I read that book you told me about. Little Women.

Joey:But here's the thing - I'm not really comfortable with it. What if they're like, dangerously small? Like, what if they turn on you?

Joey:I mean, little things can be vicious, man. You ever see a small dog? Tiny but mean.

Phoebe:It's my own lipstick!

Chandler:Well, you see, in California the sun is closer to the earth. So your legs get used to the heat, and then when you come to New York, your legs don't know what hit them. It's like when you go from a tanning bed directly into a snowstorm.

Ross:Is Robert coming out?

Chandler:No, he's coming out of the closet. Literally. His clothes are stuck.

Chandler:Could he BE any more exposed?

Ross:You can't look directly at it. It's like a solar eclipse.

Monica:I find it ironic coming from a man who spends all day looking at dilated pupils.

Monica:So you just squish the tomatoes like this...

Richard:Like this?

Monica:Yeah, that's... that's good. Your hands are very close to mine.

Richard:I know.

Richard:A tomato sauce stain? We need to burn the entire shirt.

Chandler:Richard, it's just a little spot.

Richard:A little spot today is a big stain tomorrow. We must act decisively.

Joey:Wait, so Jo is a girl?

Rachel:Yes, Joey. Jo is a girl.

Joey:And Laurie?

Rachel:Also a girl.

Joey:So... it's not a love story?

Rachel:It is a love story, Joey. Jo and Laurie—

Joey:No, no, I get it. It's a love story. I'm just saying, good for them.

Joey:Wait, Little Women has lesbian content? That's awesome! We should add it to my favorite horror story.

Joey:Wait, Laurie's a guy?

Rachel:Yeah, didn't you know that?

Joey:No! I thought... I mean, I was so confused!

Joey:Wait, were you confused too?

Phoebe:I shot a 23-pointer.

Monica:Phoebe, the basket is only worth 3 points.

Phoebe:Well, I was standing really far away, and I had to throw it really hard, so I think that should count for more.

Phoebe:I keep a quarter in my butt at all times.

Chandler:Well, I'd be testy too if my testicles were hanging out.

Monica:It's a real word! Platonomy. It's the study of platonic relationships.

Monica:It's like we're on the same team, but we're not playing for the same trophy.

Monica:Have you had other racquetball partners?

Richard:Oh, a few over the years. Your father was one of them, actually.

Monica:My father?

Richard:Yes, we played quite a bit before... well, before things got complicated.

Phoebe:They're stretchy! You can eat a big lunch, then your pants just grow with you. No more undoing your pants at the table like some kind of animal.

Robert:I appreciate the gesture, but I can't accept these.

Robert:If I wear stretchy pants, I'll be on display. And frankly, I'm already exposed enough as it is.

Rachel:Okay, okay, I have to tell you something about The Shining, but I promised I wouldn't spoil it.

Rachel:So... here's the thing. All work and no play makes Jack a... uh... makes Jack a very dull boy.

Monica:Rachel, that's literally the whole plot.

Rachel:No it's not! I was being cryptic!

Chandler:Wow, that's a tough code to crack. I mean, who would've thought 'I don't want to see you anymore' meant she didn't want to see him anymore?

Rachel:I was just trying to help! If you know what's going to happen, you can prepare yourself emotionally.

Rachel:Because I'm jealous! She gets to die and leave the show, and I'm stuck here doing this forever!

Monica:You won't believe the day I had at the restaurant. There was this bizarre workplace accident with a prosthetic limb that fell into the soup station, and then—

Monica:That was amazing! You're like a Porsche and every other guy I've been with is like a golf cart.

Richard:Well, I have had more practice.

Monica:Yeah, well, keep practicing.

Robert:I'll spot you.

Chandler:Could I BE any more exposed?

Robert:I don't understand why men keep hitting on me. I'm not even gay.

Chandler:Well, maybe it's something you're doing.

Robert:What do you mean? I'm just being myself.

Joey:Yeah, but what are you wearing?

Robert:I don't know, clothes. Why?

Monica:Robert, you're standing in the middle of the coffee shop wearing a tank top that says 'Ask Me' with an arrow pointing down, holding a cosmopolitan.

Robert:So?

Gunther:Well, you see, Robert... what we have here is a situation where your... genitalia have become acquainted with the general public.

Monica:You know what? I think we should see other people.

Chandler:What? Why?

Monica:Because I think we're ready to take this to the next level.

Chandler:Monica, we're already living together.

Monica:I know, but... I want us to be exclusive. I want to stop seeing other people.

Chandler:But we already are exclusive.

Monica:Yes, but I want to... officially be exclusive. Like, we should tell people.

Chandler:We've been telling people for months.

Monica:No, I mean... I want to be your girlfriend. For real this time. Not just casually.

Monica:You know what? I think we should be each other's soulmates. And then we can just find men we can settle for.

Richard:Nothing has changed between us.

Monica:Well, you've gone completely gray.

Monica:Be careful with those roses, the thorns are really sharp.

Rachel:Joey, you know what always makes you feel better?

Joey:What?

Rachel:Sleeping with someone.