The One with the Hypnosis Tape

Oh, nothing. It's an acting exercise. I'm practicing my fake laugh.

Oh, dark mother, once again I suckle at your smoky teat.

Why don't you hold on to that one.

That's, like, the least fun game ever.

You always pull your pants down and play 'Wipe Out' on your butt.

The way to quit smoking is to dance naked in a field of heather...and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Or what my father calls 'Thursday night.'

And, uh, then I tried to find a pay phone, and the receiver was cut off.

What happened? Uh, oh. Vandalism.

It'll be illegal for him to drink...at his own bachelor party.

Yeah, or to get a hooker. Always illegal, Joe.

Yeah, I'm a big surprise.

If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will?

And besides, I never had a dad around. And now I always will, because it'll be me.

Good. Because you were acting like you didn't.

Shouldn't be a problem. I work in fashion, and all I meet are eligible straight men.

You wanna go out with me...because of my wig, the big boobs, and I serve you food.

If that were true, I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth.

And the two times we went out, it was plain awkward.

That ain't a pretty picture in the morning, know what I mean? That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the nightstand.

No, I'm fine with the age thing...until it sticks its tongue down my brother's throat.

You know what? It's not good home economics.

Yes. Not out loud.

Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself.

Well, that was a nice move, dumb-ass.

I forgot the combination to this about a year ago. I just carry it around.

I feel great and confident. That is a stunning blouse.

As a joke, this customer who has a crush on me, gave me a $20,000 tip.

That's Bill Clinton. Who's he hugging?

When you're 36, she's gonna be 88.

You're young. You're weird. Chicks dig that.

Yeah, in a poem, maybe.

I couldn't help it. Their love is so pure.

It's a real 'mustard-tastrophe.'

You double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania.

You were the chef, and I was the customer. But now we're this couple that fights.

Okay, um...you're a loon.

If you don't have a good time, I'll give you 10 grand, we're even.

Well, um, your laundry smelled so good that I thought I'd curl up in it.

I don't see how I could suddenly be too young...because I'm older than I was when we first got together.

Well, yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain.

...and then getting arrested for stealing those birds...and then the whole punctured-lung thing.

...but the worst thing she did was tie me to the porch.

I would storm out of here...if I had some money or a place to go.

Hello. Hey, how much cash you got in your pocket right now?

Come on, it's only fair. You paid for the flight.

That's about 60 cents.

Joey's your best friend. You wanna make him a cheese sandwich every day.

And you also wanna buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.