The One Without The Ski Trip

Joey:Can I see the comics?

Chandler:Joey, it's the New York Times.

Joey:Can I see the comics?

Monica:So Rachel borrowed my... my thing.

Phoebe:It's like, Ross and Rachel are on a break, right? So it's like when you stop taking your hair growth medicine.

Phoebe:At first your hair stops growing, but then it starts growing back anyway, but like, in a different direction.

Phoebe:And then you have chest hair on your forehead, and you can't remember if you're a man or a llama.

Chandler:Oh, so I'm supposed to be the kid caught in the middle? Because I gotta tell you, I'm not comfortable with Ross as my divorced parent. Have you seen how he dresses? I'd end up in a custody battle just to get away from those sweaters.

Monica:Joey and I both had dreams about Ross and Rachel being happy together.

Chandler:I had the opposite dream - where people actually DID sleep with the Xerox girl.

Joey:It never takes me more than a week to get over a relationship.

Chandler:That's because you don't actually date. You just shower and move on.

Joey:Alright, let's get the show on the road.

Joey:Wait, I mean... let's get the road on the show.

Chandler:We're already AT a coffeehouse.

Monica:Yeah, and there's coffee right here.

Joey:So Ross just goes up to Rachel and says, 'Hey, I'm in love with you,' and she says, 'Oh my God, I'm in love with you too!' and then they kiss and everything's fine!

Chandler:Did anyone else hear that, or was it just me?

Monica:You guys, I got us tickets to the Calvin Klein lingerie show!

Monica:Hello? Did I say that out loud?

Chandler:Wait, so this is a lingerie show?

Monica:Yes.

Chandler:And you're modeling lingerie?

Monica:Yes, and heels.

Monica:Are you smoking again?

Chandler:I'm not smoking again. I'm still smoking.

Chandler:I started smoking during my parents' divorce.

Monica:Chandler, you were only 9!

Chandler:Yeah.

Chandler:I'd finish my nap, and I'd think, 'You know what I need? A cigarette.' Like some guy in an office going, 'Time for my coffee break.' Except I was nine.

Monica:Is he at the door?

Chandler:No, but I think I hear a hymn. Could be 'Amazing Grace.'

Chandler:I use humor as a defense mechanism.

Ross:Chandler, you're smoking again? You promised you'd quit.

Chandler:You're not my real dad!

Ross:I'm so cold right now, I feel like a penis in a snowstorm!

Ross:My nipples are so hard from the cold.

Rachel:Yeah, well at least yours help you avoid traffic tickets.

Ross:I can't move away from the window because I'm still cold.

Ross:Okay, okay, listen up everyone. Dart games are actually fascinating from a mathematical and strategic perspective. The geometry involved, the probability calculations—

Ross:And ye see, in Scotland, we take our darts very seriously indeed. Verra verra seriously. The Scots invented precision dartwork, ye ken?

Ross:So really, when ye think aboot it, playin' darts is practically a cultural experience.

Ross:You guys are going skiing? Without me?

Joey:Yeah, we figured you'd want to stay here and work on your dinosaur stuff.

Ross:Well, I mean, I could go. I like skiing. I could totally go skiing with you guys. Aye, that'd be bonnie!

Joey:Dude, what are you doing?

Ross:What? Nothing. I'm just saying it would be great. Really great. Och, aye, 'tis a bonnie time we'd have in the snow, ye ken?

Phoebe:You know what? I'll stay here with you instead of skiing.

Ross:Really? That's so nice of you!

Phoebe:Yeah, well, the last time I went skiing, I crashed into a tree and they had to call the ski patrol.

Ross:Oh my God.

Phoebe:And when they got me down the mountain, it turned out I'd been skiing backwards the whole time.

Monica:I'll make you some fudge to cheer you up.

Ross:Oh, so this is consolation fudge. You're making me consolation fudge.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! I needed to borrow goggles, okay? Ross has goggles!

Phoebe:What does that sign say?

Chandler:It says 'Please don't feed the animals.' Oh, and there's a no smoking sign.

Monica:Rachel has this rule about the bathroom. She won't go if someone's in the apartment.

Monica:She says, 'If I'm gonna go number two, I need to know that nobody's gonna hear me go number two.'

Chandler:I need a light so badly, I'm considering using the car's tailpipe.

Phoebe:Oh, yeah, I had one this morning, but I took it out of my shirt.

Rachel:Oh my God, Phoebe. Is this about your parents' divorce?

Phoebe:What? No, why would you say that?

Rachel:Because literally everything weird you do traces back to your parents' divorce.

Joey:We need a bra wire to open the car. How about we use one of yours?

Rachel:What? No!

Joey:Come on, we need it. What size are you?

Rachel:That's none of your business!

Joey:Well, right now you're a B-cup, so that's not gonna work. Monica, you're a C-cup, right? That might do it.

Phoebe:I nominate Monica.

Monica:What? No, no, no. These things are not going anywhere.

Rachel:I don't need a bra! I have small breasts.

Joey:Rachel, that's not how this works.

Rachel:What? It's true!

Joey:Then what's this?

Rachel:Oh, that... I stuff outside the bra.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I have a compromise. Why don't you all just take your bras off?

Chandler:A single tear rolls down my cheek.

Chandler:Okay, so now that we've solved the bra wire crisis, I think it's time we moved on to more important matters. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your butts?

Chandler:Finally, I can enjoy this cigarette in peace.

Monica:Chandler, no! Not in here!

Chandler:But I just—

Monica:Out! Now!

Chandler:*sighs and immediately puts it out* I didn't even get to enjoy it.

Ross:The tape has M.A.S.H. and the hostages coming home on it.

Rachel:So?

Ross:So? Rachel, that tape is like, a time capsule. It marks a very important moment in my life.

Rachel:What moment?

Ross:Well, when I made it, I was hoping that someday I would watch it with the woman I love.

Rachel:Aww!

Ross:Yeah. And now I'm going to watch it with Emily.

Carol:It's not our wedding anniversary.

Ross:Well, what is it then?

Carol:It's the anniversary of the first time we... you know.

Ross:Oh! Well, that's worth celebrating!

Carol:Ross!

Ross:True love is forever. It's the one thing in this world that transcends time, distance, and circumstance. When you find that person, you hold onto them with everything you have.

Ross:So Rachel and I are breaking up.

Rachel:Hi, yes, I need roadside assistance. My car broke down and I'm stranded on the highway.

Monica:Okay, they're sending a tow truck. It should be there in about an hour.

Rachel:An hour?! Can they come in like twenty minutes? And can they bring me a latte? A venti? With an extra shot?

Monica:Rachel, they're a tow truck company, not a coffee delivery service.

Rachel:Well, can they at least detail my car while they're fixing it? And maybe give me a ride to that really cute salon on Fifth Avenue?

Monica:They're not going to do that.

Rachel:What if I ask really nicely? Oh! And do they have any single mechanics? Cute ones?

Monica:They're still not going to do that.

Rachel:I'm not getting in a car with Ross.

Monica:Rachel, it's freezing outside!

Rachel:I don't care. I would rather freeze to death than spend five minutes in a car with him.

Joey:We went to three different doctors. They all said the same thing.

Chandler:What did they say?

Joey:That you have the lung capacity of a two-year-old.

Chandler:Well, I can live with that.

Joey:A two-year-old that smokes.

Monica:You smoke? With your lungs?

Chandler:It's unsettling.

Phoebe:I ate a bug.

Monica:We have cheap tampons!

Phoebe:Ross, we need your help. We're sorry we were mean to you.

Ross:Oh, so NOW you need me? That's funny, because last week you said my jokes were 'the worst thing you've ever heard' and that I 'smell like old books and broken dreams.'

Ross:But sure, I'll help you. Because apparently I'm only useful when you need something.

Ross:I don't know why I always have to be the one helping everyone move. Nobody ever helps me!

Carol:Ross, that's not true. And even if it were, helping people isn't about keeping score.

Ross:Easy for you to say. You're not the one with a bad back!

Carol:You know what your real problem is? You help people so you can feel needed, but then you resent them for needing you.

Ross:We were on a break!

Phoebe:Yeah, okay, that's fair.

Monica:We spelled 'help' backwards in the snow.

Rachel:What does 'dufus' spell backwards?

Joey:Hey! Hey! What are you doing? You're ruining it!

Joey:I was making a pattern!

Ross:I want to go on the ski trip!

Ross:Why does nobody ever want me to come along? I'm fun! I'm spontaneous! I'm... I'm really good at skiing, actually.

Rachel:You're a horrible skier.

Ross:Oh, so that's it? That's my thing? I'm bad at skiing? Fine. You know what, I'm a terrible skier. I'm the worst skier that's ever lived. Happy now?

Chandler:I can handle the Ross and Rachel tension.

Monica:Really? How?

Chandler:Well, it's right there in my name. 'Handle.' Chan-HANDLE-r.

Ross:You're welcome.

Rachel:Oh, so you're welcome? Welcome to what? Welcome to cheating on me?

Rachel:You know what? Just get a tape recorder. Record yourself saying 'We were on a break!' and play it whenever you want to bring it up.

Ross:That's not funny, Rachel. We WERE on a break!

Rachel:See? Perfect. It's working already.

Chandler:Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to continue arguing? Because I can do this all day. 'Why did you do that?' 'Well, why did YOU do that?' 'Oh, that's real mature, Rachel!'

Monica:Could you two stop fighting for like five minutes? Look at him! He's on his seventh cigarette!

Chandler:It's like watching my parents all over again.

Monica:Okay, so we're being civil, we're getting back in the cars... but wait. How are we actually getting home? One of us has to drive the other's car, or we both drive separately and leave a car here, or—

Chandler:Monica, we'll figure it out.

Monica:No, you don't understand. We literally haven't solved anything. We're just standing here with two cars and a problem.

Monica:We should go to a movie.

Ross:A movie? I was thinking more like a rodeo.

Monica:A rodeo?

Ross:Yeah, I was doing a movie impression.

Ross:I didn't skimp on the battery. It was $19.99, and I paid the full price.

Carol:That's great, Ross.

Ross:So I'm giving it to you for eighteen bucks. I'm practically giving it away.

Ross:Well, I'm leaving.

Carol:Okay.

Ross:Yeah, so... I'm going now.

Ross:Goodbye.