The One With The Tiny T Shirt

Gunther:Rachel, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me... as my lover.

Rachel:Um, what?

Gunther:I mean, as my date. As my lover... I mean, eventually as my lover, but first as my date.

Gunther:That was too bold. I shouldn't have quoted that movie line.

Gunther:But I still ended it the same way... as my lover.

Gunther:

Gunther:I dropped a cup.

Mark:The technology will understand your commands perfectly.

Mark:But it can't actually do anything useful with them.

Joey:Hey, we're out of chips!

Chandler:This is definitely an emergency.

Chandler:Hey kids! Tired of playing with your boring old toys? Well, now there's Mr. Millionaire! Just wind him up and watch as he buys his way out of every problem! And when he gets tired of you, he can afford to leave you behind! Mr. Millionaire comes with a tiny checkbook and a complete inability to form meaningful relationships. Warning: May cause low self-esteem and trust issues. Mr. Millionaire—because money can't buy you love, but it can sure try!

Monica:He has everything. He has a bidet. Not just a bidet—he has *bidets*. Plural.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. These are worth how much? Thousands of dollars? Each?

Chandler:Oh my God. I have to have them. I'm gonna open that box right now and play with them.

Joey:I am a Stormtrooper! Resistance is futile! You will bow before my imperial power!

Chandler:Oh my God, you got the part!

Joey:What? No, no, no.

Chandler:Well, you're dancing.

Joey:Yeah, the rhythm is gonna get me.

Joey:So you're playing Adrianne?

Kate:Yeah.

Joey:That's great! I'm playing Bryce.

Kate:Oh. So you're the guy I sleep with in the movie?

Joey:Yeah!

Kate:Oh. I thought you'd be taller.

Kate:The playwright's utilization of postmodern deconstructionist methodology creates a liminal space where the audience confronts the inherent contradictions of contemporary existence.

Joey:She rocks.

Kate:Do I know you from somewhere?

Joey:Well, I'm an actor. You might've seen me on TV.

Kate:Hmm, I don't think so.

Joey:Oh! I was on a World War I documentary. I played a guy who got shot. It was really moving.

Kate:I don't watch much TV.

Joey:Well, I also did a mattress commercial where I jumped on a bed for eight hours. Or you could know me from my work as a smell-o-vision consultant, where I help people identify odors.

Kate:I really don't think—

Joey:Wait! Do you hang out at the park? Because I once taught a pigeon to say 'Hello.' Maybe you heard that pigeon.

Kate:Wait, weren't you on Days of Our Lives?

Joey:Yeah, I played Dr. Drake Ramoray for—

Kate:Oh right, that show. Well, it's nice you're doing something more... legitimate now.

Kate:Oh my God! I know where I know you from!

Joey:You do?

Kate:Yes! You were in that adult film... 'The Shining: The XXX Parody'

Joey:I... that was a very small role

Kate:You were in an infomercial?

Joey:It was a very important commercial. I played the guy who had the problem.

Kate:The problem was what, exactly?

Joey:I had really bad joints. But then I discovered this great lubricant and my life changed.

Joey:The milk thing was acting. I was just doing a bit.

Kate:What about when you choked on the cookie?

Joey:That was real.

Phoebe:Well, it's not your father issues.

Rachel:I don't have father issues!

Phoebe:Then it's the Ross thing.

Ross:Maybe she wants to get back together!

Ross:Or maybe she just wants to talk about us, you know, as friends.

Ross:Or—or maybe she realized she made a huge mistake and she's been miserable without me this whole time!

Ross:Yeah, that's probably it.

Ross:You really think Rachel might want me back?

Joey:Yeah man, I think she does. And you know what? Even if she doesn't, you're still a great guy. You're smart, you're funny, you're... you're really attractive.

Ross:Thanks Joey.

Joey:I mean it. If I were a woman, I would totally do you.

Joey:Hey man, I'm here for you. You know, whatever you need, I got your back.

Joey:We're bros. Bros help bros out. That's what it's all about.

Rachel:Ross, you can't just give me a mug you got for free from work and call it a gift.

Ross:Why not? I gave it to you. That makes it a gift.

Rachel:No, a gift is something you actually buy for someone.

Ross:I didn't have to give it to you. I chose to. That's what makes it a gift.

Rachel:You're being so petty!

Ross:I am not petty!

Rachel:Yes, you are.

Ross:I am NOT petty!

Rachel:You're being petty right now.

Ross:Well, maybe I AM a little petty, but I have a good reason! This shirt is TINY!

Rachel:Ross, that shirt doesn't fit you.

Ross:It fits fine! It fits great!

Joey:What about Joey? Wait, that's a name... Joeyville? No... The State of Joey! No wait, New Joey!

Joey:Oh! Oh! Joey-homa!

Joey:New... New Joey... New New Jersey!

Joey:Joeyfornia!

Chandler:Chicago isn't a state, Joey.

Joey:Well, maybe I like to think outside the box, Chandler. Maybe Chicago should be a state!

Joey:Wait, he's our age?

Chandler:Yeah, he's like 27 or something.

Joey:And he's a millionaire?

Chandler:Multi-millionaire.

Joey:At 27?

Chandler:Apparently.

Joey:What are we doing with our lives?

Monica:I know we haven't really... touched much.

Monica:But that's okay. I mean, we can work on that.

Monica:Pete, I care about you, but I don't think I'm in love with you.

Phoebe:No, there's nothing wrong with you. You just have really bad taste in men.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That was... that was really something.

Joey:I mean, for a stage kiss, that had some real heat to it.

Kate:But what's the deeper motivation? Why are you attracted to this character?

Joey:Well, it says right here in the script that I am.

Joey:The script says your character's a bitch.

Kate:It does not!

Joey:Yeah, well, it does now.

Ross:Does my cowlick bug you?

Chandler:No, but you do.

Ross:Did anyone see that?

Chandler:Hey, you know what? I think you might have Peeping Tom syndrome.

Ross:That's not a real condition.

Chandler:Well, neither is my Chandler's syndrome, but I have that.

Chandler:Three seconds? That's not a rebound, that's a world record! He went from 'we were on a break' to sleeping with someone faster than a bullet travels!

Ross:I can't see through the door!

Chandler:Yeah, that's kind of what doors do.

Rachel:Monica has numbered her coffee mugs. They're numbered one through twelve.

Chandler:Numbered? Why would she number them?

Rachel:Because she says each mug holds a different amount of coffee based on the ceramic density and the glaze thickness, so she needs to know which one to use depending on what type of coffee she's making.

Joey:That's insane.

Monica:It's not insane, it's efficient! Mug number seven is for cappuccino, mug number three is for americano, and mug number eleven is for when I'm really tired and need the extra half-ounce of coffee that the wider rim provides.

Rachel:I'm using you to get back at Ross.

Mark:Oh, okay! Yeah, that's fine. Whatever you need.

Mark:Fine! I'll just go home and do it myself then!

Monica:Where are we?

Chandler:Well, we're either in a hospital, or this is a really depressing Pottery Barn.

Pete:What? Monica's not attracted to me? But I'm like... I'm like a young Marlon Brando!

Monica:You're like a young Shelley Winters.

Monica:You know what? I think it's great that you're so confident even after being rejected.

Pete:Well, I know I'm a catch. I mean, look at me. I'm charming, I'm successful, I'm handsome...

Pete:The rejection just means she has terrible taste.

Ross:It's not a woman's shirt!

Chandler:Okay, but I'm just saying, if a woman came out of the bathroom and she was wearing that shirt, I'd still recognize her.

Ross:I'm going to the gym every day. I'm going to get bigger. I'm going to get really, really big.

Monica:That's great, sweetie. In the meantime, why don't you just... take it off?

Chandler:Could I BE any more out of this conversation?

Chandler:Wait, wait. So you're saying that Kate thinks she's better than Sliced Bread?

Chandler:I didn't know Sliced Bread was an actress.

Joey:I hate how she's always trying to upstage me on set. I hate how she never learns her lines. I hate how she smells like a combination of tuna fish and regret.

Chandler:I think someone has a crush on you.

Joey:On me? Really?

Chandler:No, no. I mean you have a crush on someone.

Chandler:You're like a kid in a candy store.

Joey:What candy store? Where?

Joey:Your scene was really great. You were really... great.

Joey:And you know what? I believed you. I believed that you were a person.

Joey:Wait, so his name is Peter Parker, right? But he's Spider-Man. So why isn't he Peter Spider?

Chandler:Because that's not how it works.

Joey:No, no, no, I'm serious! If Clark Kent is Superman, then Peter Parker should be Spider-Man... I mean, Peter Spider. What if there was a guy named Phil? He'd be Phil Spider!

Chandler:And he'd be a regular guy.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So we have Superman, Batman, Iron Man... there's gotta be a Gold Man.

Chandler:There is no Gold Man, Joey.

Joey:Well, there should be!

Rachel:Work went great today.

Rachel:I mean, I did trip over my own feet in front of my boss and spilled coffee all over myself, but other than that, great.

Monica:What about things that are already gold? Can he gold them?

Chandler:No, they're already gold. His job is done.

Ross:Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do the whole thing.

Chandler:Oh, this is gonna be good.

Ross:All right, here we go.

Chandler:Yeah, because nothing says 'cool gunslinger' like a guy who can't fit into his pants.