The One With Frank, Jr.

Monica:Oh my God, what happened to you? You're covered in sawdust!

Chandler:I know, I know. I'm absolutely ticked off.

Monica:Ticked off? More like ticked ON — you've got forest ticks all over you!

Ross:I need a place for my mail.

Monica:We could build a post office!

Monica:Those pants are... a bold choice.

Monica:I mean, they really... make a statement.

Monica:A very loud statement. About your... circulation.

Ross:These are Guess jeans from 1987.

Ross:I'm fine!

Phoebe:Frank is always late. I mean, every single time we're supposed to meet up, he's like twenty minutes behind.

Monica:Phoebe, you've met Frank once.

Phoebe:I know, but I'm choosing to pretend I know him really well so this anecdote works.

Phoebe:My grandmother is very old, and she doesn't have a lot of time left. And when she goes, I want to make sure that I have as many memories as possible.

Phoebe:My mom killed herself when I was a teenager.

Monica:You can't sit here. This table is for customers only.

Phoebe:But I bought a coffee.

Monica:That was three hours ago. You need to order something every twenty minutes or you have to leave.

Rachel:Yeah, he came up to me and said, 'Your friend Monica... she's a fox.'

Monica:So let me get this straight. You're saying that if you ever met one of these women, I should just be okay with it?

Chandler:It's a freebie list! Everyone has one!

Monica:Oh, well that changes everything. So our entire relationship means nothing compared to a one in a million shot at meeting Cindy Crawford.

Chandler:Jessica Rabbit is on my celebrity list.

Monica:Jessica Rabbit isn't even real.

Monica:And even if she was, you couldn't get her anyway.

Chandler:Hey, she's got better physics than most real women!

Chandler:The list could have saved my relationship with Annie.

Chandler:All I needed was one more requirement: her sister had to be famous.

Rachel:Parker Stevenson is on my list.

Monica:Parker Stevenson? From The Hardy Boys?

Joey:Wait, isn't that Peter Parker? Spider-Man?

Chandler:Those are two different guys, Joe.

Joey:Well, they both have "Parker" in their name!

Ross:Well, I mean, technically it depends on how we're defining 'celebrity.' Are we talking film, television, music? And does it have to be someone currently alive, or are we including historical figures who achieved celebrity status? Because if we're being literal about it, the whole concept is rather subjective and—

Rachel:Ross!

Ross:What? I'm just saying, the parameters of the question need to be clearly established before I can provide a meaningful answer.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross, you're killing me. Just pick someone!

Frank Jr:Oh my God...

Phoebe:Frank, this is Rachel.

Frank Jr:Hi Rachel. Wow. You're... you're really pretty.

Rachel:Thank you.

Frank Jr:I mean, really pretty. Like, distractingly pretty. I'm having trouble forming sentences.

Frank Jr:How do you guys get anything done with all these attractive people around?

Joey:We don't.

Frank Jr:We could go bowling, or catch a movie, or maybe do some target practice at the shooting range.

Frank Jr:I mean, that's what siblings do, right? Bond over activities.

Frank Jr:Yeah, and then maybe I'll go to Times Square, take some pictures with the characters, you know, the ones dressed up. And if I'm lucky, maybe I'll convince one of them to come back to my hotel room.

Monica:We're supposed to be tourists in our own city and we can't even do that right.

Joey:Could you hand me that drill?

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch it with that thing! You almost took out my eye!

Joey:Chandler, I haven't even turned it on yet.

Chandler:Well, the way you're waving it around, it's only a matter of time!

Joey:Could I BE any more interested in that entertainment unit?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What year do you think it is? Did you just get back from 1987?

Joey:Monica, your floor is really dirty.

Monica:What? No it's not!

Joey:Yes it is. Look, see these clean spots? Those are where the couch was.

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! How long has it been like this?

Monica:This is disgusting! We have to replace all of it!

Joey:Maybe you could put it over there?

Monica:Or maybe I could put it WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!

Joey:Chandler pays me nothing for the work I do.

Monica:I'll pay you triple that!

Frank Jr:Can you roll your tongue?

Phoebe:Yeah, why?

Frank Jr:I can't do it. I was wondering if it's genetic.

Phoebe:Oh. Well, I can do it.

Frank Jr:Maybe I got it from Dad. He couldn't do much of anything.

Phoebe:Well, I guess we're not really related then.

Frank Jr:February 18th? That's so close to mine!

Other character:Close? Frank, that's two days apart.

Frank Jr:Exactly! Two days is basically the same birthday.

Frank Jr.:Hey, your birthday is October 25th, right? That's so cool, because Halloween is also in October.

Phoebe:Yeah...?

Frank Jr.:So, we're like birthday twins. Kind of.

Phoebe:So what do you like to do at home?

Frank Jr.:I like to burn things.

Ross:Yeah, well, she stayed with Hugh Grant after that whole scandal thing, so her standards aren't exactly...

Chandler:Well, I don't know. I think it would be kind of cool. I mean, how often do you get to sleep with a woman who's actually done something to change the world?

Ross:Look, you make a list of five celebrities you're allowed to be with, and no questions asked.

Chandler:Ross, I love the idea, but I got to be honest with you. I don't think that Yasmine Bleeth is ever going to leave her house.

Phoebe:Wait, you literally melt things? Like, as a hobby?

Frank Jr.:Yeah, I have a kiln in my apartment.

Phoebe:Oh my God. I thought you were being poetic.

Phoebe:Is melting like art?

Frank Jr.:No, melting is not like art.

Frank Jr.:I don't want to call my mom. I want to melt this phone.

Frank Jr:I'm gonna melt it down, see? The heat will destroy all the evidence.

Chandler:Frank, that doesn't make any sense.

Frank Jr:Sure it does! Once it's melted, nobody can trace it back to me.

Chandler:But you just told us your plan.

Monica:An atomic wedgie is when the underwear is pulled so hard that it becomes one with your body.

Phoebe:What's the shadow game?

Monica:It's when you repeat everything someone says, but in a mocking voice.

Phoebe:That sounds really annoying.

Monica:That sounds really annoying.

Monica:Phoebe, we've been playing for like two minutes.

Phoebe:I know! And it's already so annoying!

Monica:You have no patience for anything.

Monica:Oh, this is all my fault. I'm the one who insists on having varnished furniture in my apartment like some kind of crazy person.

Monica:Joey, I need you to help me move this couch.

Chandler:Actually, Joey promised to help me first.

Monica:Well, I asked him before you did.

Joey:Guys, I can't help both of you.

Monica:Joey, you're like Cinderella. You have to have everything done by midnight, or your coach turns into a pumpkin.

Monica:Chandler, I'm a woman! I have needs! I need to use the bathroom!

Chandler:Monica, we all need to use the bathroom.

Monica:No, you don't understand. It's different for women. We have... female things!

Joey:Even God rested on the seventh day.

Monica:Yeah, well God didn't have to clean up after you.

Phoebe:I have to go work on a guy.

Chandler:Phrasing!

Phoebe:No, I don't work at a massage parlor. I'm a masseuse, but I work independently. I have clients I see in their homes or at my apartment.

Phoebe:I can give you a massage at my place. I'm really good with my hands.

Frank Jr.:Uh, that's okay.

Phoebe:No, really, I insist. I can make you feel really good.

Frank Jr.:I think I'm good.

Phoebe:Come on, just let me work on you for like an hour.

Frank Jr:So you're gonna give me a massage?

Phoebe:Yeah, it'll be great! I'm really good at it.

Frank Jr:And do you have any, uh, attractive friends who also work there?

Phoebe:Frank, it's just me.

Frank Jr:Oh. Well, maybe you could call some friends and tell them to come by?

Ross:Okay, okay, I got it. Dorothy Hamill.

Chandler:Dorothy Hamill? She's not even a current celebrity!

Ross:She was in the 70s!

Monica:Ross, the whole point of a celebrity list is people who are relevant NOW.

Ross:Well, she was relevant then!

Rachel:Wait, Ross, you can't put Dorothy Hamill on your list. She's a figure skater. Those skills don't transfer to real life.

Ross:What? Why not?

Rachel:Because if you ever actually met her, what are you going to do? Ask her to come home and skate around your apartment?

Frank Jr.:So the masseuse was... what exactly?

Phoebe:She kept touching me in really weird places!

Frank Jr.:Weird places? Like where?

Phoebe:Like my butt! And my inner thigh!

Frank Jr.:That's a massage...

Phoebe:Not like that it's not!

Frank Jr.:Wait, so you're a masseuse? I thought you said you were a mass...

Phoebe:A masseuse, yes.

Frank Jr.:Oh thank God. For a second there I thought you were involved in something illegal. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your, uh, 'massage' business.

Frank Jr:We have these great conversations. Like, we talk about stuff.

Phoebe:What kind of stuff?

Frank Jr:Well, like, I divide the world into two categories: things that melt, and things that don't melt.

Phoebe:And?

Frank Jr:That's it. That's the whole thing.

Phoebe:I wasn't hopping mad!

Frank Jr:You were literally just hopping.

Phoebe:She's not a hooker!

Frank Jr:Well, she is now.

Phoebe:Oh, that's so sweet! Frank Jr. got dad's garage door opener!

Frank Jr.:Yeah, I thought it would be nice to have something that reminds me of him.

Phoebe:That's so thoughtful!

Frank Jr.:Actually, I already broke it.

Joey:Wait, wait. So you're telling me that every time we lift, we're wasting a whole number? That's like... that's like throwing away money, except with math!

Joey:Hey, maybe the ruler's wrong!

Ross:Oh no, oh no, oh no! I'm stuck! I'm stuck to the entertainment unit!

Chandler:How did you manage to get stuck to your own furniture?

Ross:It was wet! I didn't know it was wet!

Monica:Ross, you just painted it this morning!

Ross:Well, I forgot! Can someone please help me?!

Customer:I'll have a venti half-caf, sugar-free vanilla latte with an extra shot, light ice, and can you make sure it's at exactly 147 degrees?

Gunther:You know what? You're insane.

Rachel:You're going to take Yasmine Bleeth off your list?

Ross:Oh, that's right! I'm taking off Yasmine Bleeth!

Rachel:Oh, you're gonna change your list? Go ahead! Try! I'll just be here with Isabella as my backup plan.

Ross:Isabella? Who's Isabella?

Rachel:Exactly.

Ross:Isabella, you're a wonderful person, but you didn't make the final list.

Isabella:Why not?

Ross:Well, I was going through my options and Chandler told me to think about geography. You know, proximity, convenience...

Chandler:Hey, I was just trying to help!

Ross:And you live in... where again?

Isabella:Italy.

Ross:Right. Italy. Chandler said to pick someone local.

Ross:So you have five celebrity passes, right? Five people you're allowed to sleep with and it doesn't count as cheating.

Isabella Rossellini:I have a list too. And you know what? I'm taking you off it.

Joey:I can fit in there!

Chandler:I got twenty bucks that says you can't.

Joey:You're on!

Chandler:Actually, I'm gonna need that twenty bucks for bail money when you get stuck.

Joey:Yes! Yes! I won! I won! I'm the best! I'm the best!

Joey:I fit! I fit in the entertainment unit! Nobody said I couldn't do it!

Chandler:Joey, you're stuck.

Joey:I know, but I won first!