The One With The Flashback

Janice:So who has slept with who?

Chandler:Well, it's like a math problem. If you have five people and you start subtracting and dividing...

Chandler:Eventually, everyone's been with everyone.

Chandler:Well, I don't know about you guys, but I get drunk and stupid on a pretty regular basis. I just don't usually do it sexually.

Janice:bumped uglies

Phoebe:Oh, have you guys ever thought about just, like, making out with each other?

Monica:What?! No! That's disgusting!

Rachel:Oh my God, that is so not what happened!

Monica:We were never... I mean, he's like my brother!

Rachel:Exactly! Plus, hello, I was dating someone at the time.

Monica:So how many people have you actually slept with?

Phoebe:Well, it depends on how you count it.

Monica:How do you count it?

Phoebe:Well, there's the people I've slept with, the people I've slept near, and the people I've slept on top of.

Monica:Okay, that's... So anyway, did you see the new paint color I got for the bathroom?

Monica:Oh my God, have you seen the guy across the street? He's gained like thirty pounds!

Janice:I'm sorry about the lipstick on the phone.

Chandler:Oh, that's okay.

Janice:No, really, I feel terrible.

Chandler:Janice, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal.

Janice:Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll wipe it off.

Chandler:Actually, it does look kind of good on me.

Chandler:Well, you know, I think I'll tell her... eventually. Or maybe she'll just... figure it out. When she stops seeing me come home at night. Which could be any day now, really.

Chandler:Wait, I think my sister doesn't actually know I moved.

Chandler:Okay, I lied. She knows.

Chandler:This guy came by to look at the apartment. He seemed normal at first, but then he started making sound effects with my name.

Roommate Candidate:Chan-DL-ER! *makes laser sounds* Chan-DL-ER!

Chandler:Yeah, that's a deal breaker.

Chandler:He picks up the phone and goes, 'Hi, this is Richard Burke, I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone.' And then he hangs up.

Joey:What's wrong with that?

Chandler:He thinks that's how you answer a phone!

Monica:Ross, if your foot leaves that floor, we're done. I mean it. Keep your foot on the floor or get out!

Monica:Why is your foot like that?

Ross:What? My foot is fine.

Monica:No it's not, it's all twisted.

Ross:Monica, you didn't notice I got a haircut for three weeks, but suddenly you're very observant about my feet?

Ross:Carol's been spending a lot of time with Susan lately. They just really hit it off, you know? They have so much in common. They're always together, finishing each other's sentences, laughing at inside jokes...

Chandler:Dude, I think your wife is a lesbian.

Ross:What? No! They're just really good friends!

Chandler:Oh sure, I have models over all the time. We just... hang out. Very casual.

Chandler:Actually, no. No, I don't. I've never had a model over. Ever.

Joey:Hey, at least a porn star would be a better roommate than Chandler!

Chandler:Okay, so this is the living room, that's the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, and that's the door. Don't let it hit you on the way out!

Joey:Hey, I'm totally fine with the gay thing.

Chandler:What gay thing?

Joey:You know, with you. I'm cool with it.

Chandler:Joey, I'm not gay.

Joey:Right, right, okay. I just wanted you to know that if you were, it would be fine with me.

Monica:Do you want to hear the bad news?

Phoebe:Oh, I love bad news! It's so much more interesting than good news. Good news is just like, 'Oh great, everything's fine.' But bad news? Bad news has a story!

Chandler:I'm gonna be the less attractive friend in this apartment, aren't I?

Monica:I'm gonna sink every ball on this table.

Phoebe:That's what she said.

Monica:Phoebe, it's pool.

Phoebe:I know what it is, Monica. I'm just saying, that's still what she said.

Rachel:Excuse me, I ordered a venti caramel macchiato, not a grande vanilla latte. I don't understand how that's so difficult.

Rachel:And another thing — my drink needs to be exactly 147 degrees. Not 146, not 148. And I want three pumps of syrup, but only in the bottom third of the cup.

Rachel:Also, I need the foam sculpted into the shape of a tiny pony. Is that really asking too much?

Rachel:It's like having a permanent boyfriend.

Rachel:I'm going to sleep with the next guy I see.

Ross:So, uh, did it hurt?

Rachel:Did what hurt?

Ross:When you fell from heaven?

Rachel:I'm going to go get coffee.

Monica:Oh my God, that's the biggest diamond I've ever seen!

Rachel:I know, right? It's huge!

Monica:Huge? Rachel, this thing is so big, it could sink a ship. Actually, it probably already has.

Monica:Well, it was great seeing you! We should definitely do this more often.

Monica:I have a feeling this is goodbye forever.

Chandler:I don't know, something about commitment and a future together. Look, I wasn't really listening.

Mr. Heckles:You people are making too much noise with your oboe!

Chandler:We don't play the oboe.

Mr. Heckles:Well, somebody is, and it's keeping me awake!

Chandler:Mr. Heckles, we've never played an oboe in our lives.

Mr. Heckles:That's a lie! And another thing — you're doing it on purpose!

Mr. Heckles:I could be Chandler's roommate. I live in this building.

Joey:No, you don't understand. I'm his roommate.

Mr. Heckles:Well, I could be. I have a apartment. I have a bed. I could move upstairs.

Ross:It's, uh, it's pretty hot today.

Monica:Ross, it's 40 degrees outside.

Ross:I know! But it's hot... in here. Because I'm... nervous.

Monica:We're going to tell them we're an elderly couple who doesn't understand technology.

Chandler:Monica, that's ridiculous. They'll never believe that.

Monica:Why not? We could say we don't know how to use email, we think the internet is a fishing net, and we still use a rotary phone.

Chandler:Oh, that's perfect. And I'll pretend I don't know what a DVD is.

Monica:Ross, what are you doing?!

Ross:Well, you brought the lemonade, I thought we were... you know.

Monica:Oh my God, no! I brought it because you said you were thirsty!

Ross:Oh... well, this is awkward.

Ross:So if I ask a woman out for a drink, that means I want to sleep with her?

Chandler:Well, yeah.

Ross:What if I ask her for coffee?

Chandler:That's a commitment.

Ross:What about juice?

Chandler:Oh, she's yours.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross! I can see your butt!

Monica:I can't sleep. I keep thinking about that ink stain on the cushion.

Phoebe:Monica, just flip it over.

Monica:I did. It's on both sides.

Phoebe:I need to be free to spill my guts whenever I want!

Monica:Okay, but you can only spill them in the sink.

Monica:I'm so sad.

Phoebe:Oh, you're not sad. You're just constipated.

Monica:Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Ross:Well, I... you know... it's not like you're... I mean, you're great! You're smart, you're beautiful, you're funny...

Ross:The right guy is just going to be lucky to have you when he comes along.

Ross:You know, Monica, you're really beautiful. I mean, in real life.

Ross:Well, I wanted to exchange her, but apparently you can't do that with a wife.

Carol:You know, that woman over there is really beautiful.

Ross:Yeah, she seems nice.

Carol:She keeps looking at you and smiling.

Ross:Oh, well, I probably have something in my teeth.

Phoebe:Is Susan your wife?

Ross:No, Susan is Carol's... Carol's...

Phoebe:Lover?

Ross:Yes! I mean, no! I mean... yes, but I didn't know you knew that.

Monica:Oh my God, is that a 60% cotton blend? Because that's going to pill so easily in the wash!

Ross:Well, I was thinking about what went wrong with my marriage, and I realized I never really listened to what Carol was saying.

Ross:I was always thinking about myself, my career, my problems...

Ross:But you know what the real issue was? She had a uterus, and I didn't understand it.

Ross:Monica, wait—your foot is stuck in the pool table pocket.

Monica:What? No it's not!

Ross:Yes it is. Here, let me help you.

Monica:This is so embarrassing.

Ross:I can't get it out.

Monica:That's what she said.

Ross:My marriage is falling apart.

Joey:That's great! Congratulations!

Ross:What? No, Joey, that's the opposite of great.

Joey:Oh... so you're getting married?

Rachel:I was thinking about my fiancé the whole time.

Kiki:Really? Which five minutes?