The One With The Cuffs

Chandler:Treeger's giving away free stuff!

Rachel:I'm not taking it. I don't care if he's giving away a lifetime supply of free stuff, I'm not taking it. That's how it starts, and then before you know it, you're stuck in a canoe with a guy who smells like old cheese.

Monica:Yeah, well, 'cool stuff' is just a nice way of saying 'junk we don't need'.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! I got unpopped bubble wrap!

Phoebe:This is the best day of my life!

Chandler:Look at us. We're like a bunch of raccoons going through garbage, except the garbage is free and we're pretending it's treasure.

Joey:I know I'm desperate, but I'm not Chandler desperate.

Monica:Well, I figured if I'm going to destroy my remaining self-respect, I might as well get paid for it.

Monica:Well, my mother hired who she wanted to hire.

Monica:She doesn't need diplomacy, she needs a nap.

Joey:Hey Chandler, you got any juice?

Chandler:Yeah, sure. I've got pickle juice.

Joey:Pickle juice? Why do you have pickle juice?

Chandler:Well, I like to drink it straight from the jar. It's refreshing.

Rachel:You said you'd never get married.

Chandler:I know what I said. But that was before I realized that Monica was willing to overlook all my glaring personality flaws.

Chandler:You know, I spend most of my day at work doing... well, let's just say I'm very familiar with the inside of my office door. I've memorized every wood grain. I could describe the lock mechanism to a locksmith. I once spent twenty minutes watching dust particles float through the sunlight. That's not sad at all, right? No, completely normal. Most people probably do the same thing. Stare at walls. Count ceiling tiles. I'm at 247, by the way. I'll let you know when I hit 250. We'll celebrate. Just me and my office supplies.

Chandler:My boss kept saying how much he liked my... presentation skills.

Rachel:Oh my God, Chandler, that's... I mean, that's not...

Monica:Mom, it's just nail polish. I like the color blue.

Monica's Mom:Blue? Monica, you look like your grandmother after the funeral home couldn't get the formaldehyde stains out.

Monica's Mom:A lesbian wedding? Well, at least you'll finally get to cater an event where the bride actually wants to be there.

Phoebe:Don't worry, Monica. I'm sure your catering will be great. I mean, just because it's for a lesbian wedding doesn't mean anything has to be different. Women like food just as much as men do!

Encyclopedia Salesman:Do you own a set of encyclopedias?

Joey:No, I don't.

Joey:But you should try the building next door.

Salesman:Do you ever feel left out of conversations?

Joey:Oh, all the time! So I've been working on my vocabulary. Like, I'll say things like 'that's a flagrant disregard for the Geneva Convention' or 'that's a Shakespearean tragedy.'

Joey:The other day, Chandler was talking about some economic thing, and I said, 'Yeah, well, that's just like the stock market crash of 1929 — very Dickensian.'

Chandler:Joey, the stock market crash happened in 1929, but Dickens died in 1870.

Joey:Yeah, well, he's dead now!

Phoebe:Wait, where's your nail?

Monica:What? It broke.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you're a freak!

Phoebe:We could buy new nails so no one will know.

Monica:Phoebe, there's a nail in the food!

Monica:Mom, there's a nail in the quiche.

Monica's Mom:A nail? Oh, how fun! It's like a surprise present in every bite!

Monica's Mom:I once served a casserole with a thumbtack in it. No one even noticed!

Monica:Wait, you had backup lasagnas? How many lasagnas did you make?

Judy:Well, I made three just in case.

Monica:In case of what? In case I ruined the first one? In case I ruined the second one?

Judy:I just like to be prepared.

Monica:You made three lasagnas because you didn't think I could make one lasagna.

Monica's Mom:So if things don't work out with Chandler, you'll have a backup plan, right?

Monica:Mom, I'm not going to have a backup plan.

Monica's Mom:Well, you should. You know, in case you pull a Monica.

Monica:Pull a Monica? What does that even mean?

Monica's Mom:Oh honey, it's what we call it in the family when you mess everything up and need therapy to deal with it.

Monica:That's... that's a thing?

Monica's Mom:Of course it's a thing. We've been saying it for years.

Monica:Oh, I have a sense of humor about myself. I just don't think it's funny that I'm not funny.

Monica's Mother:I have faith in you, Monica.

Monica:Mom, look around! There are dirty dishes in the sink, there's dust on the shelves, and I haven't vacuumed in weeks!

Joanna:So we're really breaking up?

Chandler:Yes. I'm very sad about this.

Joanna:Why are you getting dressed?

Chandler:Well, they won't let me back in the office without clothes. Apparently, I can't just come to work in my underwear anymore. Something about 'professional standards' and 'making people uncomfortable.' I tried to explain that I'm doing them a favor—I'm a lot less attractive with clothes on.

Joanna:Put your hands together.

Chandler:Oh! I thought you said put your pants together.

Chandler:Where am I supposed to put it?

Chandler:I can't come back right now.

Chandler:I'm in a tunnel.

Chandler:Rachel, could you unlock these handcuffs?

Rachel:How did you get handcuffed?

Chandler:It's not important. But while you're here, has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes in the entire world?

Rachel:Chandler...

Chandler:And your hair! My God, your hair is like spun gold!

Rachel:You didn't break up with her?

Chandler:Well, technically I did. I said 'I think we should see other people.' That's breaking up.

Rachel:Chandler, she's still your girlfriend!

Chandler:Well, she didn't say she agreed with me!

Rachel:Did it ever enter your mind that you were jeopardizing my career?

Chandler:Well, there are a lot of things that enter my mind, but I try not to act on all of them.

Rachel:Get yourself out of the handcuffs.

Chandler:Oh sure, I'll just use my amazing powers of magic.

Rachel:Give me back my Walkman!

Chandler:Okay, but hear me out. What if I just... borrow it for one more day?

Rachel:No! Give it back now!

Chandler:Fine, fine. What if I keep it for two more days, and in return, I'll... do your laundry?

Rachel:Chandler!

Chandler:Okay, okay. Three days, I'll do your laundry AND make you lunch for a week.

Rachel:That's it, I'm calling Monica.

Chandler:Wait, wait! How about forever, and I buy you a new, better Walkman? A Discman even!

Rachel:Do your wrists hurt?

Chandler:Well, they would if I hadn't gotten so good at getting out of handcuffs.

Chandler:I couldn't come in today because... my grandmother died.

Joanna:Oh Chandler, I'm so sorry.

Chandler:Yeah, well, she's going to be really upset she missed work.

Salesman:Did you know Van Gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime?

Joey:Wow. So... he really struggled, huh?

Salesman:Yes, he was very poor and—

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I got it. Van Gogh: poor guy, didn't sell paintings. Anything else?

Salesman:Well, he also cut off his own ear—

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a whole different thing.

Joey:I don't get it. Why would he cut off his ear? If I really loved my girlfriend, I'd buy her a nice present, not mutilate myself.

Joey:Besides, what's she gonna do with an ear? It's not like she can wear it.

Salesman:So Joey, who's the head of the Catholic Church?

Joey:The Pope.

Salesman:Right. And what do you call a large furry animal that lives in the woods?

Joey:A bear?

Salesman:Exactly. So what's the difference?

Joey:One wears a funny hat?

Joey:Vulcanized? Like the Vulcans from Star Trek?

Phoebe:Oh! You know what? We could start a new thing where 'pulling a Monica' means doing something really smart and organized!

Monica:Really?

Phoebe:Yeah! Like, 'Oh, I totally pulled a Monica and color-coded my sock drawer by thread count!'

Phoebe:You know what? We should start using 'pulling a Monica' as a compliment. Like when someone cleans up after themselves or organizes something really well.

Monica:Really? I like that.

Phoebe:Yeah! Like, 'Oh my God, I totally pulled a Monica and color-coded my spice rack by cuisine and alphabetical order.'

Phoebe:See, that's what I'm talking about. They rebrand everything. 'New Coke,' 'New Diet Coke,' 'Coke Zero'... it's all just Coke!

Phoebe:And don't even get me started on 'The Learning Channel.' It's not about learning anymore, it's about watching people hoard stuff and fight their families.

Phoebe:But baseball... baseball stays the same. Batter up! There's a fastball on the inside corner. He swings and... it's a fly ball to left field. The outfielder is moving back... back... he's got it!

Monica:I can crack walnuts with my breasts.

Rachel:Chandler, the last time you cleaned a bathroom, I found a Cheeto behind the toilet.

Chandler:That was... a decorative Cheeto.

Rachel:It had mold on it.

Chandler:Vintage.

Chandler:Could I BE any more desperate?

Chandler:Here boy, here boy! Please, I'm begging you!

Chandler:Sit!

Joey:Did you know that vomit can travel up to 27 feet? I just learned that. And honestly, it's not something you want to know. It's one of those things where ignorance is bliss. But now I know. So that's great.

Joey:A thousand two hundred dollars?! For books?! Do I look like a guy who has a thousand two hundred dollars?

Joey:I can't even afford the 'D' volume!

Joey:Look what I found in my pockets today. A gum wrapper, three pennies, a button that's not from any of my shirts, and what I think used to be a sandwich.

Joey:Oh wow, look at all this money I found!

Joey:Wait a minute... these aren't my clothes.

Joey:Oh my God, I can't wait to see what happens next! Do you think Ross will finally tell Rachel how he feels?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait... it says here that the Earth revolves around the sun. I did NOT see that coming!

Joey:This is better than the movies! Volume V, baby! The plot thickens!

Rachel:I'm going to tell everyone about your... situation.

Chandler:What situation?

Rachel:Let's just say when you go to the bathroom, even the tiles feel inadequate.

Rachel:I'm going to make you a legend.

Chandler:How? By telling people that Milton Berle's is small next to mine?

Monica:What would make you proud? If I had a successful catering business?

Monica's Mom:Well, that would be wonderful, but I was thinking more along the lines of you getting married and having children.

Monica:So what you're saying is my catering business will never be successful enough.

Monica's Mom:No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Monica, your catering business is doing so well! You're like, totally killing it!

Monica:Thanks, Phoebe. I've been working really hard.

Phoebe:No, seriously, you're absolutely crushing it! You're crushing it so hard right now!

Monica:Thank you so much for saying that. The lasagna was actually... well, it was the backup lasagna.

Monica:The first one kind of... didn't make it. But nobody could tell the difference!

Chandler:I can get out of these handcuffs!

Rachel:No, you can't.

Joey:Vesuvius? Oh yeah, that's a volcano. It erupted in 79 A.D. and buried Pompeii. I read about it in this encyclopedia I got.

Joey:What? I'm not just a pretty face, you know. I'm expanding my mind.

Monica:Joey, since when are you an expert on volcanoes?

Joey:Well, I'm not just about volcanoes, Mon. I know about Vikings, violins, vitamins, volleyball, ventriloquism, vacuums, and... Vegas!

Joey:You know, in Korea, like, everybody's name is Kim. It's like, how do they even know who they're talking to?

Joanna:Well, this is a little awkward.