The One With The Cat

Joey:I can't even sit down without needing a tetanus shot!

Chandler:Well, we could always use Joey as a selling point. 'Come see our apartment, it comes with a guy stuck in the cabinet!'

Ross:Hey, why did the chicken fall out of the tree? Because you have doody on your head.

Ross:Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!

Everyone else:We've heard that one before, Ross.

Ross:Well, a five-year-old told it to me yesterday, and somehow it was funnier coming from him.

Rachel:I mean, back in high school I was really popular, and now... I don't know, I feel like I've lost that.

Monica:Rachel, we're not in high school anymore.

Rachel:I know that! But still, I was like, really cool then.

Phoebe:Yeah, and now you're just... regular cool.

Rachel:Regular cool? What does that even mean? That's like, the worst thing you could say to someone!

Chandler:Well, at least you'll have something to read when you wake up.

Rachel:Why did Chip call me? Oh my God, he probably realized he made a huge mistake letting me go and now he wants me back!

Phoebe:Oh my God, that is so fucked up!

Chandler:Yeah, we got it at a store. A store that apparently employs someone whose job is just to stand around and make up stuff about wood.

Chandler:So this Italian furniture maker charges how much? That's insane!

Joey:Yeah, but he's supposed to be really good. Like a master craftsman.

Chandler:A master craftsman? What, is he Geppetto? Because the only thing he's creating here is financial ruin!

Joey:You know what your problem is? You're not thinking like a businessman. You gotta diversify your portfolio, cut overhead, and maximize your ROI.

Other character:Joey, since when do you know anything about accounting?

Joey:Since I dated an accountant! I picked up a lot just by osmosis, you know? Plus, I played an accountant once on a commercial.

Character acts shocked someone doesn't know something. Immediate admission they don't know either.

Phoebe:Oh my God, there's a cat in my guitar case!

Monica:Phoebe, what are you talking about?

Phoebe:There's a cat! In my guitar case! Don't you guys want cats in your instrument cases?

Ross:No, Phoebe, I don't think anyone wants a cat in their instrument case.

Phoebe:Well, I think you're all missing out.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you guys! This cat just walked into Central Perk and it has the exact same birthmark as my grandmother. I think she's been reincarnated as a cat.

Monica:Phoebe, that's not a birthmark, that's a stain.

Phoebe:Well, my grandmother was very messy, so that tracks.

Chandler:So what you're saying is, your mother was human?

Chandler:Because by that logic, I guess all those people who own cats also own real estate in Florida.

Phoebe:I'm telling you, I can sense these things. I have a sixth sense.

Ross:Phoebe, you don't have a sixth sense.

Phoebe:Yes I do! I knew Monica was going to call before she called.

Ross:That's not a sixth sense, that's just... Monica calls all the time.

Phoebe:Well, I also knew that Joey was going to trip on the stairs.

Ross:Phoebe, Joey trips on the stairs like three times a week.

Phoebe:Okay, well, what about when I predicted that Rachel would lose her keys?

Ross:I think the drugs are still affecting your judgment.

Phoebe:That was a long time ago!

Phoebe:Oh, you're such a Wittgenstein.

Phoebe:I have this theory that fish are reincarnated souls. And orange ones especially — they're old souls who loved felt in their past lives.

Chandler:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Phoebe:Well, that's because you don't understand the connection between aquatic life and textile memory.

Phoebe:Well, a cat has to eat. So if the cat wasn't eating before, it means someone was feeding it. And if someone was feeding it, then it means someone cared about it. And if someone cared about it, then it's not a stray cat.

Monica:Right. Yes. That makes perfect sense. Flawless logic.

Joey:Hey, did you see that cat? She was so—

Chandler:Nope. Not doing this.

Rachel:I can't date Chip.

Monica:Why not? He seems nice.

Rachel:Nice? Monica, Chip Henderson broke my heart in high school!

Chandler:What did he do?

Rachel:He told me he loved me, then he asked Jennifer Miller to prom the next day!

Monica:Rachel, you need to get over high school.

Rachel:I can't, Monica. Everyone called me 'Nose'.

Rachel:Wait, they made a special uniform just for you? That means they thought you were going to be... a regular member?

Monica:Yes, that's what a uniform means, Rachel.

Rachel:Oh my God. So you were actually in the band?

Monica:Wait, you're telling me that band uniform was specially made for me?

Chandler:Yeah, it was custom tailored.

Monica:Oh my God. That wasn't a specially made band uniform. That was just a regular uniform that didn't fit anyone else.

Monica:I owe something to the fat girl inside me.

Monica:She's locked in the closet and I only let her out on weekends.

Rachel:You can date Chip if you want to.

Monica:Really? You're okay with it?

Rachel:Yeah, but if he breaks my heart, I want you to break his legs.

Chandler:So what, you're gonna interview them? 'Tell me, do you have any experience sitting on chairs?'

Joey:Hey, it could happen. What if they've never sat before?

Chandler:Yeah, and what if they're like, allergic to fabric?

Phoebe:The cat keeps trying to get away.

Phoebe:My mother used to do this while she was alive.

Ross:B-E-A-C-H

Ross:Wait, that's not how you spell it.

Ross:I don't want to talk about this in front of someone with a tail.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! A tail? What are you trying to say about me?

Ross:What? No, Joey, there's a dog—

Joey:Is this about the time I went to that audition? Because I was just researching a role!

Phoebe:You're going to argue with me about this.

Ross:No, I'm not.

Phoebe:Yes, you are. You're a paleontologist. You can't help yourself.

Ross:That's not—I'm not going to—

Phoebe:You're doing it right now.

Phoebe:See, the thing is, Ross, we don't know what happens when we die. I mean, maybe we come back as someone else, you know? Like reincarnation.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not scientifically possible.

Phoebe:Oh, come on! You believe in dinosaurs and they came back as birds, right?

Ross:That's evolution, not reincarnation. It's completely different.

Phoebe:Well, you also believe in all that science fiction stuff. Time travel, parallel universes...

Ross:That's theoretical physics, Phoebe. It's not the same as believing souls come back.

Phoebe:But you'll watch a movie where people travel through time and you're like, 'Oh, that's cool, that could happen.' But when I say I might have been Cleopatra, you think I'm crazy!

Phoebe:Oh, and another thing, in Star Trek, the Captain's chair is actually the most dangerous position on the ship.

Ross:What? No, that's not—

Phoebe:Think about it. Everyone else has a station, but the Captain just sits there. That's like, statistically, you're gonna get hit with something.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not how—

Phoebe:I'm telling you, it's a death trap. That's why they keep going through so many captains.

Joey:This chair is incredibly comfortable. You'll never want to leave it.

Chandler:Yeah, Joey's been sitting in that chair for three years. We had to surgically remove him last Tuesday.

Buyer:Why don't you just get rid of it?

Joey:Get rid of it? I made that canoe with my own two hands!

Buyer:So what? You can make another one.

Joey:It's not the same! Every time I make something, I fall in love with it. I can't just throw it away!

Ross:Oh, great! I found Mr. Whiskers!

Ross:Except the poster says his name is Fluffy.

Phoebe:Oh my God, this cat is huge! Look at the size of this poster!

Phoebe:This cat must be like the size of a lion or something.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. How much is the reward?

Joey:Because I'm thinking... I could lose a cat.

Ross:Phoebe, I have to say, I'm not comfortable with this whole reincarnation thing. I mean, there's no scientific evidence whatsoever.

Phoebe:Oh, come on Ross. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not real. I was a lawyer in my past life.

Ross:A lawyer? Phoebe, you can barely remember what happened last week.

Phoebe:That's not the point!

Ross:Okay, so what you're telling me is that somewhere out there is a new baby, and that baby is you? The same Phoebe who thinks the moon might be a planet?

Monica:Maybe for once Ross is actually wrong about something.

Monica:Who am I kidding? He's obviously right.

Phoebe:She's so affectionate. She sleeps on my chest, she purrs, she licks my face...

Monica:Phoebe, that's just normal cat behavior.

Phoebe:No, no, no. She really loves me. This morning she knocked my water glass off the nightstand, and I could just feel the maternal concern.

Caller:Phoebe, I have some bad news about your cat.

Phoebe:Oh! Um, before you tell me, I just want to say that I'm not ready to hear this. Can we talk about something else first? Like, did you see that thing on the news about the... the pigeons? There's a lot of pigeons in the city now.

Rachel:So Chip, tell me about high school. What was it like?

Chip:It was fine.

Rachel:Did you play any sports?

Chip:Not really.

Rachel:What about clubs? Were you in any clubs?

Chip:Nope.

Rachel:Well, what did you do?

Chip:Look, the only thing that matters is that your sister Monica is ready for the prom.

Joey:How do I know I can fit? Because one time, Chandler bet me fifty bucks I couldn't fit in the cabinet under the sink.

Joey:So I got in there, and I got stuck. Chandler had to call the super, the super had to call the fire department.

Joey:They were in there for like three hours. It was like being in prison, except everyone was trying to help me.

Joey:So I'm in this holding cell, right? And there's this guy next to me, real tough looking. He goes, 'What are you in for?' And I'm like, 'I thought it was just a misunderstanding about a parking ticket.' He says, 'You're gonna be here a long time, pal.'

Joey:And then it hits me... What if I never get out? What if this is it? What if I spend the rest of my life in here and I never see my friends again? I never get another role. I die in a cell. And nobody even knows I'm here.

Joey:I'm not stuck. I'm hiding in here on purpose. It's quiet, it's dark, nobody asks me questions about my career.

Monica:I call it 'Chippy's Choo-Choo.'

Chip:It's a motorcycle.

Monica:A lipper from Chipper.

Chip:You lose touch after high school.

Chip:I mean, I just ran into Todd Packer last week and he still owes me money from a poker game in '87.

Monica:He's a successful lawyer with his own practice.

Chip:Yeah, well, he was a total nerd in high school.

Chandler:Hey, has anyone seen my wallet?

Monica:Why? What's wrong?

Chandler:Well, I just realized — we've been robbed!

Joey:What? When?

Chandler:I don't know, but my wallet is gone. And so is... pretty much everything else.

Joey:If I ever find out who stole my stuff, I'm gonna...

Chandler:What? You're gonna what? Joey, let's be honest, you'd probably end up being robbed again during the confrontation.

Monica:So what do you do?

Chip:I work at the movie theater.

Monica:Oh, that's nice. What's the best part about it?

Chip:I get to see all the movies for free, and I get an unlimited popcorn voucher.

Monica:You're living in my apartment rent-free?

Chip:I prefer to call it freedom.

Chandler:I wish they had murdered me instead. At least then I'd have a really good story.

Joey:My playing cards! Someone stole my playing cards!

Chandler:Joey, that's your card. It's in your hand.

Joey:Oh. Well, what about the rest of them?

Monica:What happened?

Chandler:Well, it all started when Joey was born.

Monica:He spent the entire dinner talking about his action figure collection. When I asked about his job, he said he was 'between opportunities.' Then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place to see his Star Wars memorabilia.

Monica:I think that's the perfect summation of Chip's arrested development.

Joey:What did the insurance company say?

Chandler:They said no.

Joey:Just no?

Chandler:Well, they said 'No.' Then I called back and they said 'No.' Then I called back again and they said 'Stop calling or we'll file a harassment complaint.'

Ross:Phoebe, that's not scientifically possible.

Phoebe:Oh, oh, I'm sorry, is this the guy who thought a woman could get pregnant from a toilet seat?

Ross:I'll apologize to the cat.

Phoebe:Oh, that would be really great.

Joey:I wish you could stay forever.

Phoebe:I know, but she has to go back to the wild.

Joey:I just wish we had a bigger apartment so she could stay with us.

Chandler:A futon! Oh, wow. What is that, like, a bed and a couch? Because those are the two things I have always wanted to keep separate.