The One With Joeys Big Break

Monica:You should see my eye doctor. He's really good.

Rachel:Oh my God, is he cute?

Monica:Well, yes, but that's not the point.

Rachel:Wait, is it Richard?

Monica:No! God, no.

Rachel:I don't want to hear his name anymore! Not Richard, not Dick, not Rich, not any of it!

Monica:I rarely mention Richard!

Monica:Richard knows that I don't talk about him. Richard wouldn't want me to.

Monica:Rachel has this thing where she's afraid to open her eyes when there's something in them. Like, she thinks if she opens them, whatever it is will get stuck.

Rachel:It could happen!

Monica:No, it really couldn't.

Chandler:♪ Eye want it that way ♪

Ross:All in favor say 'eye'.

Rachel:That's terrible.

Chandler:The King and Eye

Chandler:Okay, I got too carried away with the wordplay.

Chandler:Rachel, I know you're upset with Ross, but maybe we can talk about this?

Rachel:Stay out of this, Chandler. You're next on my list.

Rachel:I've lost the list.

Monica:You've lost it?

Rachel:Yeah, I can't find it anywhere.

Chandler:Well, that's ironic.

Chandler:What does the list look like?

Rachel:It's just Ross's name on paper.

Joey:So check it out - girl meets boy, they fall in love, but here's the twist... he's been dead the whole time!

Chandler:Joey, that's The Sixth Sense.

Joey:No, no, no - in MY movie, SHE doesn't see dead people, but he's still dead.

Ross:That's... still The Sixth Sense.

Joey:So in this movie, I play a cop who goes undercover as a woman to catch a serial killer.

Chandler:Could that BE any more of a movie plot?

Phoebe:You guys, I can't go on the road trip. I have to stay here and protect my apartment from the government.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm dying.

Chandler:What? Oh my God!

Phoebe:Yeah, we all are. All the time. It's just very gradual.

Chandler:Oh... oh okay. Well, that's... that's good then.

Phoebe:Hey, you guys, I have something I need to talk to you about.

Monica:Oh Phoebe, we're so sorry about your grandmother.

Phoebe:What? No, she's fine. I just wanted to know if anyone needs a ride to the airport.

Chandler:I'm really worried about this presentation at work. What if I mess it up?

Joey:Dude, who cares? You'll probably get fired anyway.

Chandler:You know what? You're right. That's actually really comforting.

Rachel:Oh my God, I can't do this today. My eyes are fine. Actually, they're great. I've never seen better in my life.

Rachel:Wait, is that a new poster? Because I'm seeing things really clearly right now.

Rachel:You know what, I think I left my wallet in my other purse. The one at home. That I don't have with me.

Rachel:Can we reschedule? Like for never?

Rachel:Monica, you can't seriously be going to that appointment. What about our plans?

Monica:Rachel, I've been waiting three months for this. Nothing is stopping me.

Rachel:But Monica—

Monica:No buts. I'm going. You can call me Blinky if you want, because I'm not even blinking at your excuses.

Joey:So where should I go? I need a vacation.

Phoebe:Oh! You have to go to the World's Largest Ball of Yarn in Minnesota. It's amazing.

Joey:A ball of yarn? Why would I want to see that?

Phoebe:Because it's the world's largest! Plus, there's a gift shop where you can buy smaller balls of yarn so you can start your own ball of yarn.

Joey:That's... that's insane.

Phoebe:Or you could go to the Corn Palace in South Dakota. It's a palace made entirely of corn.

Joey:Why would anyone build a palace out of corn?

Phoebe:Why wouldn't they?

Phoebe:Following the beard of bees

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just throw two things like that at me. That's not fair.

Joey:I need time to think about this. This is a huge decision.

Joey:Do you know how many times I've had to choose between two equally important things? This is serious stuff.

Phoebe:If you could sleep with anyone in the world, who would it be?

Joey:Your mom.

Phoebe:What?!

Joey:We're going to Vagu— wait, where are we going?

Joey:Vaguely toward the northeast? That's amazing! I'm in!

Ross:Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

Phoebe:Is it a number that a person could die from?

Ross:What? No! Why would—

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, could that question be any more inappropriate?

Chandler:That's disgusting!

Ross:What? It's just a sandwich.

Rachel:What is that thing?

Doctor:Oh, don't worry. It's not as bad as it looks.

Rachel:Really?

Doctor:No, it's worse.

Doctor:Okay Rachel, I'm just going to do a simple eye test. There's going to be a little air puff.

Rachel:Okay, I'm ready.

Doctor:Here we go...

Rachel:Aahhh! Oh my God! That was so scary!

Doctor:Let's try again. Just keep your eye open this time.

Rachel:Okay, okay, I can do this.

Doctor:Here we go...

Rachel:Ahhhhh! No, no, no! I can't do it! I can't!

Monica:Rachel, it's just air.

Rachel:I know, but it's AIR THAT WANTS TO KILL ME!

Doctor:Okay, I've tried everything. Blood tests, X-rays, MRI...

Rachel:So what's wrong with me?

Doctor:I have no idea. But whatever it is, it's fabulous.

Doctor:I'd like to see you back here in six months.

Rachel:Six months? Why so long?

Doctor:Because if you come back any sooner, I'll have to take out my glass eye and throw it at you.

Doctor:Read the next line for me.

Monica:L, P, F, T, O, Z.

Doctor:Perfect. And you, Rachel?

Rachel:Um... big E?

Monica:The doctor gave me this great gift certificate for a spa day.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's amazing! Can I come with you?

Monica:No.

Rachel:These eye drops are amazing!

Monica:You haven't used them yet.

Rachel:I know, but the box is really promising.

Joey:I got this great new sweater vest. It's perfect for layering.

Chandler:A sweater vest? Joey, that's... that's great. Really great. I'm so happy for you right now that I might actually cry.

Joey:What? It's just a sweater vest.

Chandler:I know, but the way you said it with such genuine excitement... I can't handle it. Could I BE any more emotionally invested in your knitwear?

Joey:Hey, I got cast in this independent film! It's a really small budget though.

Chandler:That's great, man. Congratulations.

Joey:Yeah, so I was thinking... I'm gonna need a place to crash for a few weeks during filming.

Chandler:Joey, you live across the hall.

Joey:I know, but I figured I'd save money and just stay at your place.

Joey:Hey, I got the part! They're paying me fifty bucks!

Chandler:Fifty bucks? That's amazing!

Joey:I know, right? But wait, there's more—they want me to do my own stunts.

Monica:Joey, that's not a bonus, that's how they save money.

Joey:Oh... so this is a terrible deal?

Ross:Joey, you're getting paid less than minimum wage to potentially break your legs.

Joey:But they said it was a great opportunity!

Chandler:But who's going to pay money to see a movie about a man who talks to plants?

Joey:Are you kidding? It's a guaranteed hit! Plants are huge right now.

Monica:Oh, honey, I'll say goodbye to you at the car if you don't mind the pus.

Monica:It's not pus, it's... liquified friendship.

Ross:Phoebe? Phoebe!

Phoebe:

Phoebe:I have no idea who you are.

Ross:What did I do wrong?

Phoebe:Well, if you have to ask, then you don't know.

Ross:But I don't know, so...

Phoebe:Exactly! You did something wrong.

Phoebe:Bye, fat ass.

Phoebe:You know, you're like the least worst person I know.

Chandler:Joey, you can't just ignore traffic laws!

Joey:Why not? They ignore me.

Joey:Okay, okay, okay. Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?

Chandler:That's easy. I'd fight the hundred duck-sized horses.

Joey:Why?

Chandler:Because you couldn't even beat up a regular-sized duck, Joey.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Joey:You gotta learn to stand on your own two feet!

Chandler:I am standing on my own two feet! They're just over the Hudson River!

Monica:Why is Phoebe mad at you?

Ross:I have no idea. All I did was mention that she said 'Rachel and me went to the store' when it should be 'Rachel and I.'

Monica:Oh my God.

Ross:What? It's a common mistake. The objective case is often used incorrectly when—

Monica:Ross, that's why she's mad at you.

Monica:You act like a baby when you lose at games.

Ross:I do not!

Monica:You totally do.

Ross:Well, maybe if you didn't cheat so much!

Chandler:I told Joey that his acting was so bad, even his agent doesn't believe in him.

Monica:Chandler, that's terrible! You deserved worse.

Chandler:I got you guys some gifts from the road. I stopped at this place called The Squishy Nipple.

Joey:The Squishy Nipple?

Chandler:Yeah, it's this little store with all these amazing things. Look, I got Monica a snow globe, I got Rachel a dream catcher, and I got you, Joey, a bottle of something called Ass Cream.

Joey:Ass Cream?

Chandler:It's for your face.

Rachel:Monica! My eyes are killing me! Why do they burn so much?

Monica:Oh, those weren't practice eye drops.

Rachel:WHAT?!

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica, you're so strong!

Rachel:Monica, get off me!

Monica:I'm trying! You're on my hair!

Chandler:Oh my God, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

Rachel:No! We were just—

Monica:Wrestling over the last piece of cheesecake.

Chandler:Sure you were.

Joey:Hey Chandler, remember when you put that fake tan on me? Well, I got you back.

Chandler:What did you do?

Joey:I dressed up all the dogs in the park in your clothes.

Joey:Whoa, what is this box doing sliding around my car?

Phoebe:Oh, that's my grandmother's ashes. She's always wanted to go for a ride.

Joey:Your grandmother's ashes are just... sliding around loose in my car?

Phoebe:Yeah, she's really enjoying the trip!

Chandler:I could send Joey porn as an apology gift.

Monica:No, you can't send porn as an apology gift.

Chandler:Why not? It's a gift!

Phoebe:You know what? Cigarettes are a really good gift.

Monica:Phoebe, why would cigarettes be a good gift?

Phoebe:Because they're like currency. In prison.

Monica:We're not giving cigarettes to a prisoner, Phoebe.

Phoebe:I know, but they're valuable!

Monica:Oh my God, you're thinking of prison economy.

Ross:Phoebe, why are you so mad at me?

Phoebe:You don't remember? You said my songs weren't real music.

Ross:That was three years ago!

Phoebe:And you STILL haven't apologized.

Phoebe:I had this dream last night that I was in a movie with Brad Pitt, and we were like, totally in love. And then Ross showed up and was like, 'Phoebe, you're so boring,' and I was like, 'No I'm not!' And then Brad Pitt turned into a bottle of ketchup.

Monica:A bottle of ketchup?

Phoebe:Yeah, and we were on a spaceship made of cheese, and the cheese was singing show tunes, and then my hair turned into spaghetti and I could taste colors.

Phoebe:Yeah, so I was there, right? And I was wearing this beautiful white dress, and there were all these people around me, and they were all crying...

Phoebe:And then my dad came in, except it wasn't really my dad, it was like, a horse or something...

Phoebe:And we were flying, and there were all these babies made of light, and they were singing...

Phoebe:Wait... was I asleep?

Director:The studio is pulling the plug. We're shut down indefinitely.

Joey:Indefinitely? What does that mean exactly?

Director:It means we don't know when we'll have the money to start again.

Joey:Oh, so like... next week? Because I'm pretty flexible next week.

Director:No, Joey. It could be months. Could be years.

Joey:Years? But you said it could be next week!

Director:It could be. But it probably won't be.

Joey:Okay, but if I had to bet money on it, I'm thinking next week.

Director:Look, I'm going to level with you. The film is out of money. We need funding, and we need it now.

Joey:How much are we talking?

Director:Two hundred thousand dollars.

Joey:Two hundred thousand? I don't have that kind of money!

Director:Joey, you're my last hope. I'm asking you, as an actor and a friend, can you help me?

Joey:I... I wish I could, but I can't. I spent all my money on this apartment and my headshots.

Joey:I work at Caesar's Palace now.

Joey:Yeah, they make me say, 'Hail Caesar!' to every customer who walks in.

Joey:Do you know how humiliating that is?

Monica:Hold still, I'm just trying to help you!

Rachel:Monica, get off me! I don't need eye drops!

Monica:Your eyes are red, you're using them wrong. Now stop moving!

Rachel:This is insane! Let me go!

Monica:Chandler, grab her left arm!

Chandler:Why do I always get involved in this?