The One After Vegas

Ross:So, Mrs. Geller!

Rachel:Actually, I prefer Ms. Geller.

Ross:Oh, well then Mr. Green?

Rachel:No, I'm taking your name.

Ross:So you're Mrs. Geller?

Rachel:Yes, but you can call me Rachel.

Ross:What should I call myself then? Mr. Rachel?

Unknown:I don't think they're as much dating as they are... two bottles of vodka walking around in human form.

Chandler:We have to go to Vegas and get them annulled!

Monica:Wait, wait. They got married by an Elvis impersonator?

Chandler:Yeah, so?

Monica:So it's not legal! You have to be married by an actual minister or a justice of the peace or Cher.

Monica:Oh my God. What happened last night?

Chandler:I have no idea. I can't remember anything after the power went out.

Monica:Chandler... why are you in my bed?

Chandler:What? I'm not— Oh God.

Monica:Oh God is right. We didn't...

Chandler:I don't think so? I mean, I would remember that... probably...

Monica:Well, we're both fully clothed, so—

Chandler:Oh thank God. So nothing happened.

Monica:Nothing happened? Chandler, you're my brother!

Chandler:I know! Why do you think I'm so relieved?

Monica:Wait, so you're telling me you two didn't... last night?

Chandler:We tried, but every time things got serious, she started laughing.

Monica:Well, what were you doing?

Chandler:I was... being romantic.

Monica:And she laughed?

Chandler:The point is, it's hard to be intimate when someone's laughing at you.

Joey:I'm too depressed to eat.

Joey:Unless... is that pizza?

Phoebe:We should totally renew our friendship vows!

Rachel:Phoebe, we're not married.

Phoebe:I know, but we should 'friendivorce' and then 'friendmarry' again!

Someone waiting for a waitress while starving

Joey:Wait, Chandler was almost married? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Joey:I could've been best man! I'm way better at that than him.

Chandler:Joey, I need some relationship advice. Things with Monica are getting complicated.

Joey:Dude, you're asking the wrong guy. My love life is a disaster.

Chandler:I know, but maybe you can tell me what NOT to do.

Joey:Okay, so here's what you do: tell her you're seeing other people. Women love that. Then forget her birthday. Chicks dig guys who are forgetful. And whatever you do, don't listen to anything she says.

Chandler:Joey, that's the worst advice I've ever heard.

Joey:What? It's working great for me!

Monica:We were just... organizing the closet.

Chandler:Yeah, and it's very organized now. Very... vertical.

Monica:We're thinking of doing the kitchen next.

Chandler:The kitchen cabinets. Which we've been wanting to reorganize... since we've known each other. Which is a while. A really long while.

Monica:And we're very excited about it.

Chandler:So excited. Could we BE more excited about kitchen organization?

Ross:A Vegas wedding is not a real wedding!

Rachel:It so is!

Chandler:I'm drunk.

Monica:We're on vacation!

Ross:I need to find a divorce lawyer.

Chandler:At this point, shouldn't your lawyer just buy you a condo?

Ross:I'm going to get an annulment.

Rachel:An annulment? What's that?

Ross:It's like the marriage never happened.

Rachel:Oh my God, you can do that? I thought you just had to get a divorce!

Chandler:No, an annulment is different. It's like... it erases the marriage from history.

Rachel:Wait, so it's like a medical procedure? Like you go in and they just... remove it?

Rachel:You married divorce?

Ross:No, I didn't marry divorce.

Rachel:You're literally married to divorce. You have divorce's last name.

Ross:That's not... I have my own last name.

Rachel:You have three of your own last names because you keep marrying and divorcing.

Rachel:I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm really bad at this. I can't tell jokes. I always mess them up.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I got it. Heads we get married, tails we don't.

Monica:Chandler, that's a coin.

Chandler:I know, but I shaved one side.

Chandler:An eight? Marriage! Oh no!

Chandler:Joey fell asleep before we even got out of the parking lot.

Phoebe:That's because he's a baby.

Joey:I am not a baby! I was just resting my eyes.

Monica:Joey, you were snoring before we hit the highway.

Phoebe:You're like a sleeping dragon sitting on a pile of gold, except the gold is my time and you're just hoarding it while you drool!

Joey:Are my eyes open?

Phoebe:No.

Joey:Oh my God!

Rachel:Okay, fine. I'll stay married to you.

Ross:Really?

Rachel:Yeah, but we have to take this seriously. We need to act like a real married couple.

Ross:Okay...

Rachel:That means no more going out with other people, no more flirting, and we have to spend every night together.

Ross:Wait, wait. I thought this was supposed to be fake?

Rachel:It is fake, but we have to make it look real.

Ross:You have to check the box. It's important. Are you Miss or Mrs?

Rachel:I don't know, I'll just check Miss.

Ross:Well, you should think about it. What if you get married?

Rachel:Fine, fine. I'll check Mrs. Happy now?

Ross:Rachel, I need to ask you a favor.

Rachel:What is it?

Ross:Will you marry me?

Rachel:What?!

Ross:Well, you're always doing favors for people. I figured if we were married, you'd have to do this one.

Phoebe:What if I pick up a hitchhiker and he's a serial killer?

Joey:Well, you know, you just gotta play it cool. Ask him questions. Make him feel like you're interested.

Phoebe:What kind of questions?

Joey:I don't know, like... 'So, have you killed anyone today?'

Phoebe:So where exactly are you taking me?

Hitchhiker:Just down the road a bit.

Phoebe:And what are your intentions?

Hitchhiker:Well, I thought we'd stop for coffee.

Phoebe:Oh! Do you have any splenda?

Rachel:We can't stay married. It's like... it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Ross:Rachel, that's the whole point of marriage, compromise—

Rachel:No, no, no. It's like a children's book! 'The Little Square Peg Who Couldn't Find His Hole.' We could illustrate it!

Rachel:A marriage is like a hangover — you wake up and wonder what you did last night, and there's nothing you can do about it now.

Ross:You know what? Fine. I'll get the annulment.

Rachel:Really?

Ross:Yeah. And you know what else? I'm gonna throw my ring in the river, you're gonna catch the bouquet, and we're gonna have a big reception where everyone throws rice at us as we leave!

Rachel:Ross...

Ross:And the best part? We get to do the whole thing again in five years!

Phoebe:Yeah, so you can reach me at the coffee shop, or you can leave a message at the hostel, or you can just... yell really loud and I'll probably hear you.

Joey:Ground control to Major Tom. Ground control to Major Tom.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, you can stop now.

Joey:Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.

Phoebe:I said stop! Stop it!

Joey:Ground control to Major Tom, commencing countdown...

Phoebe:Fine! Fine, you win! I'm not mad anymore!

Joey:I'm sorry I fell asleep on the road trip.

Phoebe:It's okay, you can still sleep normally.

Phoebe:Okay Joey, I'm thinking of something.

Joey:Is it food?

Phoebe:No.

Joey:We're done here.

Monica:Don't! Don't say it!

Chandler:What?

Monica:Whatever you're about to say, just don't!

Chandler:I was just going to say we should get out of here.

Monica:Oh. Okay then.

Monica:I don't want things to change.

Monica:I like things the way they are. I like my apartment, I like my job, I like my—

Monica:Wait, is that a stain on the couch?

Monica:Oh my God, that's a stain. That's a stain! Where did that come from? How long has that been there?

Monica:I need to get some club soda. NOW.

Monica:I wanted to give you a key to the apartment.

Chandler:A key? That's so romantic!

Monica:Well, you're here all the time anyway.

Chandler:Oh. So this is less 'I love you' and more 'stop ringing the doorbell'?

Chandler:I can't believe I'm actually doing this. The ceremonial key to the new apartment!

Chandler:Here we go...

Chandler:Oh God, oh God, it's not turning!

Monica:Just push harder!

Chandler:I AM pushing! This is a sign. This is definitely a sign!

Monica:It's not a sign, the lock is just stuck.

Chandler:No, no, no. A ceremonial key that doesn't work? How is that not a sign?!

Monica:I'm not hugging the door!

Chandler:Well, I'm definitely not hugging the door.

Monica:Good, because I wasn't planning to.

Chandler:So we're both just standing here, not hugging this door.

Monica:Exactly. Not hugging it at all.

Phoebe:You guys, I can't go to the movies. I already saw a movie.

Chandler:When?

Phoebe:1994.

Ross:Okay, I lied. I didn't get the annulment.

Chandler:Wow, Joey, great job. You've really outdone yourself. The lock was broken before, but now the door's falling off its hinges. That's... that's really impressive work.