The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel

Ross:There's something I need to tell you.

Phoebe:Oh my god, what? Tell me!

Ross:I'm still married.

Phoebe:What?!

Phoebe:What?! You got married?!

Ross:Yeah, and we're having a baby. Oh, and I quit my job at the museum.

Phoebe:WHAT?!

Ross:Anyway, I should probably get going. See you later.

Ross:Rachel, get in the cab! Get in the cab!

Rachel:What? Why?

Ross:Just get in the cab!

Rachel:Ross, what is going on?

Ross:No time to explain! Walk! Walk! No, wait, get back in the cab!

Rachel:Make up your mind!

Ross:The cab! Yes, the cab! Go, go, go!

Ross:So I'm at the lawyer's office, and the receptionist is talking about me in this really judgmental tone...

Phoebe:Oh, a high voice! That's the universal voice of judgment.

Phoebe:Why don't you just put 'Here lies Ross Geller, he never got divorced.' That way when you die, it'll be ironic.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! I want mine to say, 'Phoebe Buffay: She had fun, she had friends, she had fun, she had friends.'

Monica:That's very nice.

Phoebe:Well, actually, on second thought, just put 'Phoebe Buffay,' and then... 'Trampled by ostriches.'

Phoebe:Okay, okay, I can keep a secret. I'm very good at keeping secrets. I have secrets I haven't even told myself.

Phoebe:Wait, what? Oh my God, no, I have to tell Rachel! She's my best friend!

Phoebe:But... you're right, I do know something that nobody else knows. I'm like special. I'm like the only one. Okay, I won't tell her.

Rachel:Phoebe, what are you doing? I have to go!

Phoebe:Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were... someone else.

Rachel:Someone else? Phoebe, you were literally blocking the door.

Phoebe:Yeah, I know, I know. Weird mix-up.

Phoebe:The Angelika! The Angelika!

Chandler:Wait, Joey won't let us have a gumball machine? Joey, who eats everything?

Joey:Yeah, well, I have very strict rules about sweets.

Chandler:Joey, you once ate an entire box of girl scout cookies that were supposed to be for charity.

Joey:Those were thin mints! That's different!

Chandler:Joey, I need to tell you something. I'm moving out.

Joey:What? Why?

Chandler:Well, I... Monica and I are getting a place together and... I just think it's time for me to...

Joey:Chandler, what are you talking about?

Chandler:You know what, I gotta use the bathroom. I'll be right back.

Joey:Dude, you gotta see a doctor. That's like, not normal.

Chandler:I'm fine, I just like to keep moving.

Joey:Yeah, but every five minutes? That's either a medical thing or you're just messing with us.

Chandler:I'm not messing with you!

Joey:Well something's wrong then. My grandpa had that. They had to remove something.

Monica:I'm telling everyone today, and that's final.

Chandler:Yes, ma'am. Whatever you say.

Chandler:I have something serious to tell you.

Joey:Oh my God, you're pregnant!

Chandler:No! No, I'm not pregnant!

Joey:Oh, that's great! That's really great for you, man. I'm so happy for you.

Joey:Okay, I gotta go.

Joey:I'd love to stay, but I have an audition.

Joey:Actually, no I don't.

Joey:Maybe you guys should break up now and get it over with.

Joey:Monica, listen, Chandler's a great guy, but...

Joey:Well, he's... okay, he's really funny.

Joey:And he's always there for his friends.

Joey:Plus he's got a good job, he's loyal, he's smart...

Joey:Actually, he's one of the best guys I know.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I found an article about this!

Phoebe:It's right here in Ross Geller Magazine.

Ross:Ross Geller Magazine?

Phoebe:Yeah, it comes out monthly.

Monica:Phoebe, I have something to tell you.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you're pregnant!

Monica:No, I'm not pregnant.

Phoebe:Not yet.

Monica:I'm not pregnant!

Monica:But if I were, we'd name her Phoebe.

Ross:So Monica and Chandler are moving in together. That's great! They're taking this really big step in their relationship.

Ross:They're shacking up!

Ross:Yeah, so we're getting the annulment papers filed tomorrow...

Ross:Phoebe, could you do me a favor? I need you to find Rachel and tell her something terrible happened.

Phoebe:Oh my God, what?

Ross:Tell her that... that a meteor is heading toward Earth and we're all going to die.

Phoebe:Why would I do that?

Ross:Because then when you tell her I slept with someone else, it won't seem so bad.

Ross:I'm going to end up living under the stairs like a house elf.

Ross:I've hit the bottom of the dating barrel. I mean, I'm dating women with four divorces. Then I dated a murderer. And now... I'm dating a geologist.

Monica:Okay, so I've been thinking about how to present you to potential dates.

Ross:Oh God, why does that sound ominous?

Monica:No, no, it's good! I'm going to lead with your worst quality right away.

Ross:Wait, what? That's your strategy?

Monica:Yes! That way, when they don't run screaming, everything else will be a pleasant surprise!

Ross:Monica, what is my worst quality?

Monica:Oh honey, we don't have that much time.

Chandler:Yeah, I know what you mean. People always make fun of my name too. At least your name doesn't sound like a—

Rachel:They keep calling me Racquel at work.

Rachel:Then it became Raquel.

Rachel:Now the mailroom guys just call me Rocky.

Rachel:I'm one mispronunciation away from being a boxer.

Stranger:Hey beautiful, you come with the apartment?

Rachel:Excuse me?

Stranger:I'm looking to rent. Do you come with it?

Chandler:I'm sorry, what? She's not... she doesn't...

Rachel:I don't come with anything!

Stranger:Well, that's a deal-breaker then.

Rachel:So we're all moving in together, right? You, me, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross?

Monica:Well... yes and no.

Rachel:Yes and no? Monica, that makes no sense.

Monica:I know. It's just... okay, yes. We're all moving in together.

Rachel:Yay! This is going to be so much fun!

Monica:Yeah... fun. That's one word for it.

Rachel:Chandler, you'll have to watch those long showers you take... because you know Racquel can't be late.

Rachel:Come and knock on our door, we've been waiting for you, come and knock on our door...

Ross:My first wife was a lesbian. My second wife cheated on me. And my third wife... well, we got divorced in Nevada, so really, you gotta blame Nevada.

Ross:I'm a catch! I'm a paleontologist, I have a great apartment, I'm funny...

Woman:You seem really great, but I heard you've been married three times.

Ross:Well, yes, but that was in the past. I'm over all of that now.

Woman:I could look past that... but what about the secret marriage you're hiding?

Ross:What secret marriage? I've told you about all of them!

Woman:I wouldn't date Ross because he's obsessed with his ex-wife.

Stranger:Yeah, no kidding. That's the first thing anyone notices about him.

Ross:No, no, I don't have feelings for Rachel anymore.

Chandler:Really? So if Rachel walked in right now—

Ross:I wouldn't care. She's just... she's just my wife.

Ross:I was drunk! I got married in Vegas!

Phoebe:Hey, Joey could totally do that sober.

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's amazing! You're like a genius! Yes, yes, exactly! That's so true about Ross!

Phoebe:*claps* Bravo! Bravo! That was beautiful!

Ross:I don't care about Rachel! I'm completely over her. In fact, I'm going to go out with someone else right now. Someone way better!

Stranger:Um... okay?

Ross:You're beautiful! We're getting married! I'm naming our children after you!

Stranger:I think you have feelings for someone else.

Ross:NO! I'M FINE! I'M GREAT! I'M THE BEST I'VE EVER BEEN!

Monica:Ross, you're being really creepy about Rachel.

Phoebe:I think it's sweet. I like a man who watches me sleep.

Monica:You know, I think friendship is the most important thing in life.

Chandler:Really? Because yesterday you said you'd abandon all your friends for a rent-controlled apartment.

Monica:Well, I mean... that's different! A rent-controlled apartment is... I was joking! Obviously I was joking.

Rachel:Are you pregnant?

Monica:What? No! Why would you think that?

Rachel:You've been acting weird all day.

Monica:I'm not pregnant. I just really like this shirt.

Rachel:Wait, you guys live together? Like, in the same apartment?

Monica:Yes, Rachel. We've lived together for years.

Rachel:Oh my God. I thought... I mean, I just assumed... Oh God, that's so embarrassing.

Chandler:Wait a minute... if this soap has been here since we moved in, and we still have half a bottle left... this stuff must be incredibly concentrated.

Joey:This apartment won't exist anymore. No more Joey's place. No more 'Hey, let's go to Joey's!' No more of Chandler coming home to find me on the couch in my underwear eating cereal. No more of Monica organizing my stuff that I don't even know I have. No more of Rachel asking to borrow something and never giving it back. No more of Ross explaining something nobody asked him to explain. No more of Phoebe just... being here. And worst of all, no more of me being me in this place!

Joey:We have deep talks all the time.

Joey:Like, just the other day, she asked me what my name was.

Joey:Oh my God, what IS that?

Chandler:I don't know, but it's moving.

Joey:Don't touch it!

Chandler:I wasn't planning on it.

Monica:Rachel didn't even cry about it!

Chandler:Wow, that's... that's a really twisted thing to be upset about.

Chandler:J-Man and Channy? Who actually uses these nicknames?

Lawyer:Your second marriage in two years?

Ross:Third.

Lawyer:In my twenty years of practice, I've never seen anything like this.

Ross:What do you mean?

Lawyer:You're my first client to come back for a second divorce.

Lawyer:You know, Ross, I think you should consider therapy. You have a pattern of behavior that might benefit from professional help.

Ross:Therapy? No, no, I'm fine. I don't need therapy. That's like... that's like ordering the soup when you know the entrée is coming.

Ross:We need Rachel to sign the annulment papers.

Ross:I could... I could dress up like her and sign the papers myself.

Chandler:That's illegal.

Ross:Yeah... yeah, you're right. Maybe I should talk to a therapist about this.

Monica:Okay, whose is this?

Rachel:I have no idea. It's not mine.

Monica:Well it's not mine either.

Rachel:Maybe it was here when you moved in?

Monica:I've lived here for like ten years, Rachel.

Rachel:So... what do we do with it?

Monica:I guess we just... throw it out?

Rachel:Yeah, okay.

Rachel:Six years? That's not an era.

Monica:Six years is totally an era! That's like, a whole era of my life!

Rachel:Monica, it's just six years.

Monica:Just six years?! Those were MY six years, Rachel! Do you know how much has happened to me in six years?

Rachel:I'm not upset. Look, Monica and Chandler have a great track record. They've been together for like five years and they're still happy. That's basically forever in relationship years.

Monica:Five years is forever?

Rachel:For you guys, yeah.

Rachel:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. This is... this is really happening, isn't it?

Monica:Yeah, sweetie. It is.

Rachel:I can't believe... I thought maybe... but it's actually...

Rachel:I'm really upset now.

Ross:I went to see a lawyer about the divorce.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you're in love with a lawyer!

Ross:I'll tell her! I'll tell Rachel right now that we need to get an annulment.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you are so in love with her.

Joey:You know, everyone always ends up hooking up eventually.

Phoebe:Yeah, we will too.

Phoebe:Okay, so in like five years, Chandler's gonna be really rich, and then he's gonna get married, and then divorced.

Joey:So I'm thinking, why don't we just get married?

Phoebe:Really? You want to marry me?

Joey:Yeah, I mean, we could get your green card situation figured out, split the tax benefits, and then in like five years, we just... dissolve it.

Phoebe:Joey, that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.

Joey:So is that a yes?

Phoebe:It's a 'we'll see.'

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! I got it! We tell them Rachel has a drinking problem!

Monica:Phoebe, no!

Phoebe:What? It's perfect! They'll never give her custody!

Ross:That's... that's not how custody works. And that's horrible.

Joey:So what's the plan with Ross?

Phoebe:Oh, we'll probably just murder him after an argument or something.