The One With Mac And C.H.E.E.S.E.

Joey:The fridge broke because you were near it.

Rachel:Joey, that doesn't make any sense. I didn't do anything to it.

Rachel:You're joking, right?

Joey:Yeah, I'm joking about the checks. I definitely want the money.

Rachel:Joey, how does that even make sense?

Joey:It doesn't have to make sense, Rach. You're beautiful.

Chandler:Joey's cute, right?

Rachel:Oh, um, sure. In a... Joey way.

Rachel:I can't believe Ralph Lauren mumbles so much. I was at this meeting with him and I couldn't understand a word he said.

Monica:Well, maybe if you actually listened instead of just thinking about yourself for five seconds, you'd hear what he's saying.

Monica:Okay, here are my minimum requirements for a date. He has to be smart, he has to be funny, he has to be kind...

Chandler:Well, I'm two out of three.

Ross:Is Elizabeth cute?

Chandler:No.

Chandler:Where are you going? It's only 9 o'clock!

Elizabeth:I have to go home.

Chandler:On a school night? What about your homework?

Chandler:Well, you know, with Elizabeth being so young, maybe she'd have her party at a children's restaurant. Like Chuck E. Cheese's or something.

Chandler:You know what? You're like a Girl Scout cookie.

Elizabeth:What?

Chandler:Yeah, you're like a Thin Mint - you're very popular, but you only come around once a year.

Ross:She's not that much younger than me.

Chandler:Right, and King Kong wasn't that much bigger than a regular ape. I mean, sure, he's a little older, but when you break it down, they're basically the same size. She's probably been alive for like, what, six years? That's practically a full life for some insects.

Chandler:I'm not saying you're robbing the cradle, but you might want to check if she needs a nap before dinner.

Monica:So how are things with you and Janice?

Chandler:Well, we're communicating now. She said we need to talk about our feelings more often.

Monica:That's good, isn't it?

Chandler:Yeah, so I told her my feelings. I said, 'I have a feeling I'd like some Cheetos right now.'

Phoebe:My guy has one of these.

Monica:A chin?

Phoebe:No, a job.

Monica:Well, I'm dating him, so... yes.

Monica:Masseurs aren't supposed to look.

Phoebe:Oh, come on! What are they gonna do, fire me? I'm a self-employed massage therapist!

Chandler:Wait, you looked at my body?

Phoebe:Yeah.

Monica:He's funny? Have you met Chandler?

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. If your guy is so great, why don't we just switch? You take mine, I'll take yours.

Rachel:What? No! That's not how this works!

Monica:Come on, live a little! See what the other side has to offer.

Rachel:Joey, what did you eat?

Joey:I don't know, it was in the back of the fridge. It had like three different colors of mold on it.

Rachel:Oh my God! You ate that?!

Joey:I was hungry!

Rachel:Joey, I thought that was still in there. I was saving it... for science.

Joey:Look, okay, suppose we were a divorced couple. And I got custody of the kid. Right? Now suppose the kid dies and I gotta buy a new kid.

Joey:See? This is why I said you were stupid!

Student:Hey Professor Geller, got a minute?

Ross:Oh, hello. Yes, I have a minute. You are a student. At this university. Whom I teach. In a class. That meets on certain days of the week.

Elizabeth:We could make out in your office. Right here. In public.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get in here!

Elizabeth:That kind of defeats the purpose.

Ross:Elizabeth, I've been thinking... you know how Girl Scouts sell cookies?

Elizabeth:What? No, what are you talking about?

Ross:Well, they're always trying to grow up too fast. And I think that's what's happening with us. You're like a Girl Scout cookie - delicious now, but illegal if I enjoy you.

Ross:I don't know what to do. Elizabeth is going to be so upset.

Chandler:Just treat her like a child. You know, distract her with toys or something shiny.

Rachel:Joey, why did you push the delivery man?

Joey:I didn't push him, he fell into me. Besides, if your fridge wasn't so close to the door, none of this would have happened.

Rachel:My fridge? You're the one who pushed him into it!

Joey:Yeah, well, you're the one who bought a fridge made of tissue paper.

Joey:I know exactly what breaks fridges.

Delivery man:What?

Joey:This.

Joey:...I broke another fridge.

Elizabeth:What was that thing you said about the doorknob?

Ross:Oh, that? Yeah, I've been thinking about doorknobs a lot lately. It's kind of a thing I'm into now.

Ross:So what time should I pick you up tomorrow?

Elizabeth:Pick me up? I was just telling you I was going away.

Ross:Right, and I'm coming with you.

Elizabeth:No, you're not.

Ross:What? Why not?

Elizabeth:Because I didn't invite you!

Monica:What's the difference between spring vacation and spring break?

Chandler:Well, spring vacation is when you go somewhere with your family and actually *do* things. Spring break is when you go somewhere and do... other things.

Chandler:Egypt? Monica, you're going to Egypt? Oh, I can see it now. You at the pyramids, 'WOOO! Spring break!' You climbing on the Sphinx, 'Chandler, take a picture of me!'

Rachel:I read Field and Stream!

Phoebe:He's not a weirdo!

Rachel:I'll take Sebastian.

Monica:Who are you and what do you want with our friend?

Sebastian:I'd just like to take her to dinner.

Phoebe:That's not gonna work for us.

Monica:Well, I guess we were a little hard on him.

Monica:But hey, at least he left! That's what we wanted, right?

Rachel:He's actually really nice once you get to know him.

Monica:His name is Sebastian. There's nothing to get to know.

Chandler:Oh, Sebastian's easily scared. So when someone says 'Hey, want to come over?' he's like *jumps back in terror* 'AHHH! A SOCIAL INVITATION! I'M OUTTA HERE!'

Joey:You owe me money.

Phoebe:Fine, I'll pay you back.

Phoebe:But that'll be $200 for my psychic services telling you that you were going to ask.

Ross:Joey, you were 13 during spring break in '81.

Joey:Yeah, so?

Ross:So? Joey, that means you were a minor!

Joey:I know, I was there.

Joey:A mini-bar in every room? Dude, that's like having a fridge that costs money!

Elizabeth:Are you okay? You've been acting really strange.

Ross:What? I'm fine. Hey, do you know how to make a birdhouse out of popsicle sticks?

Ross:Wait, wait. What is that?

Elizabeth:It's a bathing suit.

Ross:No, no, no. A bathing suit is supposed to cover... stuff.

Elizabeth:It does cover stuff.

Ross:Elizabeth, I can see your... everything!

Monica:You shouldn't delay meeting him.

Monica:In fact, I have a surprise for you!

Rachel:Monica, what did you do?

Monica:He's here! Come on in!

Rachel:Well, I'm great! I love being ambushed by my boyfriend's secret family members. Really keeps things exciting!

Phoebe:Rachel, this is Patrick. Patrick, Rachel.

Phoebe:Wow, those are some really impressive pecs. Do you work out, or is that just from carrying around that giant thing in your pants?

Monica:Wait, where are you going? We're not done here. I have a whole strategy for how we're going to win this.

Eldad:Win what? It's a date, not a championship.

Monica:Exactly! And I'm going to help you dominate. First, we need to assess the competition, identify weaknesses, and execute a flawless game plan.

Patrick:This isn't really worth the free massage.

Rachel:Wow, congratulations. Whatever they're paying you, it's clearly not enough.

Ross:I hid your bathing suit.

Elizabeth:You what?

Ross:I hid your bathing suit so you wouldn't go to the beach without me.

Ross:You know, the key to sun protection is SPF. But here's the thing - most people don't realize that SPF numbers aren't always accurate. I once used a sunblock that said SPF 50, but I think it was actually SPF 3.

Chandler:How could you tell?

Ross:Well, I got burned so badly, the doctor said I looked like a rotisserie chicken. And that's not even the worst part - I discovered that if you don't have sunblock, you can just rub milk on yourself instead.

Joey:Milk?

Ross:Yes! Milk! In fact, I read that if you use expired milk, it's actually SPF 1000. Some people have replaced their entire skincare routine with a simple buttermilk bath.

Monica:What was the charity for?

Rachel:Um, I think it was for disease... or trees? I don't know, there was a silent auction and I just kept bidding.

Elizabeth:Oh my God, hi Dr. Geller!

Joey:Those were the days...