The One With Monicas Thunder

Monica:I'm engaged!

Chandler:Wait, you're gay?

Monica:No, I'm ENGAGED!

Chandler:Right, right, I heard you the first time.

Joey:There was.

Monica:I'm engaged! I'm engaged!

Neighbor:Some of us are trying to sleep!

Monica:Well, some of us are getting married!

Monica:You want to mess with me? I've got Chandler!

Chandler:Why would you say that?

Chandler:Could I BE any more terrified of Monica right now?

Chandler:I'm just gonna slowly back away and pretend I don't know her.

Monica:I want to thank everyone who helped make this day special. Rachel, for being my best friend. Phoebe, for your wonderful songs. Joey, for... well, for being Joey.

Chandler:What about me?

Monica:And Chandler, of course! And Ross, my brother, who walked me down the aisle.

Chandler:I'm already forgotten?

Monica:No! I also want to thank the amazing caterer, the photographer, the florist...

Chandler:Monica!

Monica:What?! Oh my God, and Chandler! How could I forget Chandler, my wonderful husband!

Chandler:Thank you.

Monica:And I especially want to thank my parents for their support, and my bridesmaids who looked absolutely beautiful...

Chandler:Are you kidding me right now?

Phoebe:I could play music at your wedding!

Monica:That's so sweet, but... remember when your apartment caught on fire?

Phoebe:That was ONE time!

Monica:Exactly. I'd like my wedding to be ONE time too.

Joey:I need to look good for this audition. They're looking for someone who can play 19.

Chandler:Well, you're gonna need a time machine.

Joey:Do you think I look 19?

Ross:90? Yeah, sure, buddy.

Chandler:Nineteen? No way. You look way older than that.

Monica:Yeah, definitely not 19.

Monica:Look at this ring! It's absolutely gorgeous.

Monica:You know what would be perfect? Diamond shoes to match!

Rachel:Fashion is about youth.

Joey:Fashion is about me?

Rachel:No, youth!

Joey:Oh, okay.

Rachel:Come on, Grandpa.

Monica:It's okay, it happens to a lot of guys.

Chandler:Yeah, well, it's never happened to me before. I failed biology in high school, but biology never failed me.

Phoebe:Oh, I'd love to sing at your wedding! I have the perfect song. It's called 'Monica Geller Had a Messy Apartment' to the tune of 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'

Monica:Phoebe, no.

Phoebe:Oh come on, it's beautiful! 'Oh say can you see, all the stuff piled up to the ceiling, with your mother's obsession and your need for perfection, your apartment's a time bomb that's—'

Phoebe:Oh, I thought you were gay. But then I realized you were just metrosexual. You're very well groomed and you have a skincare routine. But then I realized you were just British!

Phoebe:Oh, well, the song does say at the end that he's probably not gay.

Chandler:You know what the worst part about having erectile dysfunction is? It's not the obvious thing. It's that you're standing there with a beautiful woman, and all you can think about is wooden furniture. Because at least the furniture gets to be hard.

Ross:Yeah, well, let's see how long that lasts.

Ross:I give it... three years? Maybe four if they really work at it.

Rachel:Do you think we'll ever have what Monica and Chandler have?

Ross:Oh God, no.

Rachel:Yeah, me neither.

Ross:You know what? I'm actually relieved we're not together anymore.

Rachel:Really? Me too.

Ross:Yeah, I mean, our relationship was a nightmare. Do you know how many times I had to explain paleontology to you?

Rachel:Oh, please. You were the nightmare. You were always so... so Ross.

Ross:So Ross?! That's not even an insult!

Rachel:There were some really good times in our relationship.

Ross:...Yeah?

Ross:Like... like when?

Ross:Well, the stuff... I mean, we had really great stuff.

Ross:I like your stuff.

Rachel:I like your hands.

Joey:Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my man? You got any bling bling? I'm about to go to the club and get jiggy with it!

Chandler:Okay, first of all, stop talking. Second of all, why are you dressed like you're about to commit a crime? And third of all, if you're here to rob me, I should tell you I have nothing of value except this half-eaten sandwich.

Joey:Yo, that is totally da bomb, fo' shizzle!

Joey:All that and a bag of chips, am I right?

Joey:That's whack! Totally tight!

Joey:Do I look 19?

Chandler:Yeah... you look like you're 19 and stupid.

Joey:How old do I look in these clothes?

Chandler:Well, the good news is you look like you're in your thirties. The bad news is you're wearing my underwear.

Joey:So?

Chandler:So? You can keep them.

Chandler:Have you had a lot of sex?

Joey:Today? No, not today.

Chandler:Joey, I need your advice about something personal.

Joey:Sure, buddy. What's up?

Chandler:Well, I'm having some... performance issues. In the bedroom.

Joey:Oh man, that's rough. But hey, you came to the right guy.

Chandler:Did I? Because you're wearing a backwards tuxedo t-shirt, and that's when I realized I've hit rock bottom.

Chandler:What did you do when you had erectile dysfunction?

Joey:I went ahead anyway.

Phoebe:You can play guitar at my wedding, but if you mess up, I will kill you. And then I will dig you up and kill you again.

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Monica:Finally! I've been waiting for this for like ten years!

Monica:You guys kissed?! That's huge! I was gonna tell everyone at dinner tonight that I'm getting married, and now nobody's gonna care because you two are gonna be all 'We kissed, we kissed!' And nobody's gonna want to hear about my wedding!

Ross:Monica, come on, that's not—

Monica:You're stealing my thunder!

Phoebe:Oh my God, oh my God! Did you see that? Ross and Rachel just kissed!

Monica:Yeah, I was there. And I'm thrilled for them, I really am. But could they have picked literally any other moment? I just got engaged!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You guys are talking about Chandler's sexual problems?

Monica:No, Joey, we're talking about Ross and Rachel's kiss.

Joey:Oh. So... no sexual problems?

Monica:Oh, that's great! That's just great! My engagement night is ruined, Chandler's been kidnapped by a runaway bride, and now I'm standing here in this dress that cost more than my first apartment, and nobody even noticed!

Joey:Come on, Rachel. Do you really think I could pass for 19?

Joey:I mean, if I really wanted to, couldn't I pull it off?

Joey:Rachel, seriously, be honest with me. Could I pass for 19?

Rachel:Joey, you're 30 years old.

Joey:I know that! I'm asking if I could pass for 19!

Rachel:No. You look like a man in his thirties who's been through some stuff.

Joey:Wait... how old am I again?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That is NOT cool. You gotta talk to Rachel. She's your friend. And more importantly, she's my... she's my friend too. So here's what we're gonna do - we're gonna sit down, we're gonna have some coffee, and we're gonna work this out. Word to your mother!

Phoebe:Would she? Would she? Would she? Would she? Wood she? Wood cheese?

Phoebe:Wood cheese? That's not a real thing.

Joey:I don't care, I'd eat it. I'd eat anything right now.

Chandler:I'm picturing us on a beach in Fiji, the sun setting, soft music playing... Monica in that little black dress... and me just lying there thinking, 'Well, at least the scenery is nice.'

Phoebe:Your eyes are too wise.

Joey:Too wise?

Phoebe:Yeah, you have too much wisdom in your eyes. You look old.

Monica:I'm not a thunder stealer! I just... I have a lot of embarrassing memories from my teenage years that tend to come up at inopportune moments.

Ross:I was just trying to help! The caricaturist was making everyone look ridiculous.

Monica:That's what caricaturists do, Ross! And he was amazing. He made me look like a beautiful woman with a huge forehead.

Ross:That's not amazing, Monica, that's accurate.

Monica:Well, I thought it was great! I'm keeping that drawing forever.

Chandler:Hey! Hey! You're a mime! You're a mime!

Chandler:The romantic moment is over.

Monica:She's just jealous because I'm getting married first and she can't stand that I'm going to be the center of attention for once in my life.

Monica:And if she tries to show me up, I will bring up the time she gained fifteen pounds and couldn't fit into her pants.

Rachel:Oh, so now I'm the problem? Fine! You know what? I'm going to have sex on this couch!

Rachel:I'm going to have sex in this chair!

Rachel:I'm going to have sex in the kitchen on the counter!

Rachel:I can't believe you guys are going to have sex on your engagement night.

Monica:Well, we're not actually.

Monica:Chandler has erectile dysfunction.

Ross:Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's right!

Ross:Oh, oh, oh!

Ross:Yes, yes, YES!

Monica:Oh, so you two are back together? That's great! I'm so happy for you! You know what? I'm going to remember this moment. And in about five years, when I do something really great, I'm going to expect you both to be just as excited for me. And if you're not, I'm going to be very, very upset. Actually, you know what? I'm going to steal your thunder anyway.

Rachel:Monica, you're not exactly in a position to get pregnant.

Monica:What? Why not?

Rachel:Because you'd have to actually have sex with Chandler first.

Rachel:I kissed him because I needed to know if there was still something there, okay? And Monica does this thing where she just rebounds with whoever's around, and I didn't want to be that person.

Monica:I do not rebound!

Rachel:You rebounded with like five guys after Richard.

Chandler:She chose me.

Chandler:You missed your chance with me, Rachel. We had our moment.

Chandler:It's not going to happen again. I'm with Monica now, and these bad boys are off the market.

Chandler:Okay, Phoebe, what if I told you that Monica and I want you to sing at our vow renewal ceremony?

Phoebe:Really?

Chandler:No. No, I'm bribing you to stop singing right now.

Phoebe:♪ Oh, a tiny little man, and he wore a tiny little hat ♪

Monica:Okay, Phoebe, that's enough.

Phoebe:♪ And he had a tiny little... ♪

Monica:Phoebe!

Chandler:What? I'm just trying to help!

Monica:When I get my hands on you, Chandler Bing, I am gonna kill you.