The One With Chandler And Monicas Weddin

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica's pregnant!

Rachel:Wait, so for the wedding... something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue... Does pregnancy count as the 'something new'?

Rachel:And to top it all off, I'm holding a positive pregnancy test.

Phoebe:Well, I mean, pregnancy is really bad advertising for contraception.

Ross:Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Bing? Hi, it's Ross Geller. I'm calling about Chandler.

Ross:No, no, he's not in trouble. Well, actually, he's missing. But that's not why I'm calling.

Ross:I just wanted to say... you both look absolutely stunning today. Really, truly.

Ross:And Nora, that perfume is intoxicating. And Victor, those slacks are very flattering.

Ross:I don't know how Chandler came from such attractive parents. I mean, separately. Both of you. Individually attractive.

Ross:Can I ask you something?

Monica:Sure.

Ross:And can I ask you two things?

Monica:You just asked me three things.

Joey:Hey, I'll help you find Chandler. Ross, your search skills are terrible.

Ross:What? I'm a paleontologist, not a detective.

Joey:Yeah, well, you couldn't find your own ass with both hands and a map.

Rachel:I'm never going to get married! I'm going to die alone!

Monica:Rachel, you're not going to die alone.

Rachel:Oh yeah? Well, maybe I should just become a lesbian.

Monica:Would that help?

Rachel:I don't know! It's worth a shot!

Rachel:I can't believe this is happening. I'm a complete disaster.

Monica:You're not a disaster, Rach.

Rachel:Yes, I am. I need to do something crazy. Something to shake things up.

Chandler:Like what?

Rachel:I don't know... sleep with Joey?

Joey:Hey! I'm right here!

Rachel:It's therapeutic!

Joey:I can't work past 4. I have a thing.

Director/Producer:What thing?

Joey:A wedding.

Director/Producer:Whose wedding?

Joey:My... cousin's.

Director/Producer:Joey, we're shooting until 7.

Joey:Well, then I guess I'm gonna have to have emergency surgery that day.

Joey:I'm getting a hair transplant.

Chandler:Where?

Joey:My head, where do you think?

Chandler:I don't know, Joey. With you, it could be anywhere.

Richard:I'm wearing two belts because one belt is a belt, but two belts? Two belts is a fashion statement.

Chandler:Why would I hide at the gym? That's the one place I'd never voluntarily go.

Chandler:We could be related! We could be related!

Chandler:Monica, what if we're brother and sister?

Monica:Chandler, we're not related.

Chandler:But what if we are? What if Mom and Dad—I mean, my mom and dad—

Chandler:What if there's some crazy mix-up at the hospital and we're actually—

Monica:Oh my God, Chandler, no.

Chandler:Well, my parents had a very specific problem. My mother would... manipulate my father in ways that were... let's just say not appropriate for a PG-13 rating.

Chandler:It started with the little things - nagging about his job, his friends. But then it evolved into... well, using physical intimacy as a weapon.

Chandler:So basically, my dad never stood a chance. He was completely under her control. Which explains why I'm... the way I am.

Ross:You're nothing like your parents, Chandler.

Chandler:Really? Because I just told Monica I'd do something, and now I'm in the bathroom hiding from her.

Chandler:I'm no Paul Newman.

Chandler:I don't have his eyes, I don't have his charm, I don't have his movies, and I definitely don't have his salad dressing empire.

Ross:Okay, Chandler, listen to me. You're a mess.

Chandler:Wow, great pep talk so far.

Ross:No, no, wait. You're a mess, but you're MY mess. And I believe in you.

Ross:Taking a shower together isn't scary, right?

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! 'We'? I think you mean 'you.'

Rachel:Nights are so hard. You're alone with your thoughts, and your thoughts are so mean to you. And then the days come, and you have to be around people, and people are even meaner than your thoughts.

Monica:So basically, you're miserable all the time.

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait! Oh no! I think I'm falling!

Phoebe:This is it. This is how it ends. Tell my story.

Phoebe:Monica, I have something terrible to tell you.

Monica:What? What is it?

Phoebe:I can't find my shoes.

Monica:Your shoes? Phoebe, what about the groom?

Phoebe:Oh, he's missing too, but I'm way more upset about the shoes.

Monica:Oh thank God, it's just about a vest.

Chandler:Actually, Monica, there's something else you need to know.

Monica:What? What is it?

Chandler:The groom is missing.

Joey:What do you mean everything's fine? I miss all the good stuff! I could've been here for Chandler showing up all dramatic!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait! You're telling me I'm missing the wedding? No, no, no, this can't happen!

Joey:You know what? I'm a minister! I got ordained online! I can marry myself!

Joey:In fact, I'm marrying you too! Yeah, we're getting married right now over the phone!

Rachel:Father Dimitrius, I really need you to perform my wedding ceremony.

Father Dimitrius:I'm sorry, but I can only marry Greek Orthodox couples.

Rachel:But my fiancé is Greek! His name is... Lactobacillus Bulgaricus.

Father Dimitrius:That's not a Greek name.

Rachel:Sure it is! And our children will be Streptococcus Thermophilus and little Acidophilus!

Father Dimitrius:Those are yogurt cultures.

Ross:Hey, where's Chandler? We're playing hide-and-seek.

Charles:He's hiding.

Ross:Well, can you tell him to come out?

Charles:Absolutely not. He's hiding, you have to find him. Those are the rules.

Monica:You can't see the groom before the wedding, it's bad luck.

Chandler:Oh come on, that's just a superstition.

Monica:No, it's tradition. And you know what happened to Dad when he didn't follow traditions.

Chandler:What are you talking about? My father wore a dress to the wedding.

Rachel:Wait, your father wore a dress?

Chandler:Yes, but not because of the superstition. He just... does that.

Monica:You told people you were playing hide-and-seek? With Chandler? That's the worst cover story ever!

Monica:Chandler runs away from everything!

Joey:Can someone get me a large fork?

Joey:Wait, is that... is that my butt?

Chandler:Oh my God, it is!

Joey:How did they get that shot?

Ross:You wanna piece of me? Huh? You wanna piece of this?

Ross:Hi-YAH!

Chandler:Oh my God.

Chandler:Oh, I'm so scared. What are you gonna do, hi-YAH me to death?

Ross:Chandler, maybe you should focus on the important things in life.

Chandler:Like what?

Ross:I don't know, like not buying cigarettes?

Chandler:Anything that can fit in a baby shoe can't be scary.

Ross:Have you seen Chucky?

Chandler Bing:Well, at least he's found comfort in the permanence of it all. You know, because he can't legally marry.

Monica:I wish my mother could see the wedding.

Chandler:Your mother is here.

Monica:No, I mean my *real* mother.

Monica:Yes, it is. Can we talk about this later? I'm getting married!

Priest:Greek Orthodox? I thought you said Greek order fries!

Joey:I'm so sorry I'm late, you guys. I was at an audition.

Joey:But hey, I'm here now, and I'm ready to officiate this thing.

Joey:So, uh, we should probably get started before I have to be somewhere on February 14th, 2019.

Joey:We are gathered here today to witness the union of Chandler and Monica. Chandler, I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Well, unless you try to run away. Then I'm tackling you.

Joey:I kind of treated it like a movie role, so I didn't really... I didn't write anything down.

Chandler:You didn't write anything down?

Joey:No, I figured I'd just wing it, you know, like I do in all my acting.

Monica:Chandler, you are my soulmate, my best friend, my everything. I promise to love you forever, to be there through every moment, to build a life with you that—

Monica:Wait, you DO think I'm prettier than Rachel, right?

Joey:I now pronounce you husband and wife!

Joey:Wait, did anyone say 'I do'?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Rings? Nobody said anything about rings!

Joey:I thought we were just gonna stand there and look pretty.

Chandler:I know about the baby.

Monica:What? How do you know about the baby?

Chandler:I'm your husband, Mon. I was there.

Monica:Oh my God! We're having a baby? We're having a baby!

Phoebe:Wait, whose test is it?

Monica:It's not mine.

Rachel:It's... it's mine.

Phoebe:Oh my God!