The One With Chandler And Monicas Weddin

Chandler:She's my wife, my better half, my significant other.

Chandler:My ball and chain, my old lady, my squaw.

Chandler:My property, my chattel, my... my reason for living but also the source of all my problems.

Monica:I'm not old!

Chandler:You're right, you're not old. You're... seasoned.

Monica:That's not better!

Chandler:Okay, okay. You're a beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated woman who just happens to have been around since the dinosaurs.

Joey:Did you say lunch?

Joey:I'm in!

Ross:Hey Chandler, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. It might be a little awkward.

Chandler:Oh God, is this about money? Because I can explain the $47 I spent on those imported candels for the wedding.

Ross:Okay, I need to talk to you about something serious.

Chandler:Oh God, what did I do?

Ross:No, it's not about you. Well, it is, but... we need to define what we are.

Chandler:Are we still friends?

Ross:Yes, of course we're still friends.

Chandler:Are we best friends?

Ross:Yes, Chandler, we're best friends.

Chandler:Are we best friends who occasionally make out?

Ross:What? No!

Chandler:But would you if I asked really nicely?

Ross:We're not having this conversation.

Chandler:So if Monica and I switch roles, does that mean I have to start caring about thread count? Because I've been using the same sheets since 1997, and honestly, they've developed their own ecosystem at this point.

Monica:Chandler!

Chandler:What? I'm just saying, if I'm going to be you now, I should probably know: is 800 thread count good, or is that like saying you have a mediocre personality?

Chandler:Did you just threaten me?

Ross:What? No! I was just... I was being protective!

Chandler:You literally said you'd 'break my legs if I hurt her.'

Ross:Well, yeah, but I didn't mean it literally!

Chandler:That's the definition of literally.

Chandler:Could I BE any more threatened?!

Monica:What if it rains? What if someone gets sick? What if the flowers don't arrive on time?

Phoebe:Well, I can help you with at least two of those things.

Jack Geller:You know, back in my day we didn't have all these fancy special effects. When we made a war movie, we had to actually go to war.

Jack Geller:That's right, I was there. Trenches, mud, the whole nine yards. Lost my best friend to a wayward shell.

Joey:I got the part! I'm playing a soldier in World War One!

Chandler:That's great, Joe! So you'll be fighting the Germans?

Joey:No, no, the Germans were in World War Two.

Chandler:Joey, the Germans were in both wars.

Joey:Well, nobody told me that!

Ross:Actually, that's not what happened. Napoleon didn't—

Joey:Wait, so you're saying I'm wrong?

Ross:Yes, I'm saying you're... I mean... okay, fine, I don't actually know.

Joey:Hey Ross, I need to know who the enemies were in World War I for this audition.

Ross:Um, well... the Germans and the Austro-Hungarians.

Joey:Right, right. So basically just... the bad guys from Indiana Jones?

Ross:Yes. Exactly. That's... that's correct.

Joey:Hey, I'm a huge fan of your work. I've seen all your movies.

Richard Crosby:Thank you. That's very kind.

Joey:Yeah, you were amazing in Die Hard.

Richard Crosby:I wasn't in Die Hard.

Joey:Oh right, right, sorry—Lethal Weapon.

Richard Crosby:No, I've never been in an action film.

Joey:Okay, okay, um... Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Richard Crosby:That was Audrey Hepburn. I'm a man.

Joey:Right, yeah, I knew that.

Joey:I was preparing for my role! Method acting, okay? I had to understand what it felt like to be completely distracted and self-absorbed.

Monica:Can I borrow some of your jewelry for my dad?

Rachel:Oh my God, yes! Okay, um, let me see what I have. Do you want something classic? Or do you want to make more of a statement? Because I have this great chunky necklace that would really bring out his eyes.

Rachel:I mean, the man wears a dress better than I do.

Monica:Yeah, he's got great gams.

Rachel:We could ask more people about it.

Monica:Oh, great idea! Why don't we just take out an ad in the Times? 'Have you seen my jewelry? I'm an idiot.'

Monica:Tomorrow's our wedding day!

Chandler:Yeah, I'm really looking forward to our date.

Monica:Okay, so the napkins need to be pressed, the flowers need to be arranged by height, the seating chart needs to account for everyone's dietary restrictions AND their ability to make small talk, and—

Monica:Hi, you've reached Monica and Chandler Bing.

Chandler:We're married!

Monica:We're married!

Both:Leave a message for the Bings!

Monica:Everyone, this is my cousin Frank Jr.

Frank Jr.:Actually, I go by Erica now.

Chandler:Wow, that's great. Congratulations.

Erica:Thanks. I'm still getting used to it.

Chandler:Well, if you ever need any pointers, I've been a Chandler for my whole life.

Chandler:Dad, you look great. I mean, it's nice to see you wearing clothes.

Nora Bing:I'm so excited about the wedding! I always thought Chandler would never find happiness. I thought we psychologically damaged him.

Nora Bing:I can't wait to have little Bings running around!

Chandler Bing:Yeah, well, given this family's issues, 'little Bings' sounds ominous.

Joey:I can't believe I have to go back to work.

Joey:Do you know what I have to do? I have to go audition for a commercial where I play a guy who gets hemorrhoids.

Joey:A GUY WHO GETS HEMORRHOIDS!

Joey:This guy just spit on me! He spit on me!

Ross:Well, look on the bright side - at least he noticed you.

Jack Geller:So... are you a man or a woman?

Chandler Bing:Dad, you can't just ask that!

Chandler's Father:It's okay, Chandler. I'm both.

Monica:Dad, you can't ask me that!

Jack Geller:What? I'm just asking about your personal life.

Monica:It's none of your business!

Jack Geller:Well, when you think about it, it's really quite fascinating. If you look at the specimen from different angles, you can see how it all works together.

Monica:I can't even pretend to handle this.

Judy Geller:You're not actually going to wear that, are you? At your age?

Charles Bing:Well, Judy, at least I'm not wearing something that screams 'I gave up on myself in 1987.'

Jack Geller:You know what, Ross? You're right. You're absolutely right. And anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.

Ross:Dad, that's... that's not really—

Jack Geller:No, no, no. You could've handled it better? Please. You handled it perfectly. In fact, I think you showed remarkable restraint. If it were me, I would've punched them in the face.

Ross:You would've punched them in the face?

Jack Geller:Right in the face. Multiple times. You're a better man than me, son.

Rachel:How do I know which one is Chandler's dad?

Monica:He's the one who looks like a woman.

Charles:Hi, I'm Amanda.

Rachel:Oh, that's a cute name! A man-duh? That's so clever!

Ross:I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple.

Jack Geller:We already did that.

Ross:I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple.

Ross:So Chandler was in this relationship, right? And things were getting pretty serious. He was doing all these romantic things, staying up late, being super attentive...

Ross:Turns out it was a dog.

Ross:I mean, not literally. Chandler wasn't dating a dog. The dog was just... there was a dog involved somehow. This came out wrong.

Monica:I can't believe the wedding will be over so fast. All this planning, and it'll be done in one day.

Monica:You know what? I'm going to wear this dress again. I'm going to get a lot of use out of it.

Monica:I'll wear it to restaurants, to the movies... I mean, it's a beautiful dress.

Phoebe:I can steam your dress! I'm really good at steaming things.

Monica:That's okay, I'll just do it myself.

Phoebe:No, seriously, I can do it. I steam things all the time.

Monica:I appreciate it, but I've got it.

Phoebe:Monica, just let me help you steam your dress!

Monica:No, thank you.

Monica:Thank you so much for helping my grandmother today. She really appreciated it.

Phoebe:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Joey:What? I'm wearing these because back in 1987, there was a huge spit epidemic. People were just spitting everywhere. It was crazy. So the government issued these sunglasses to everyone to protect their eyes. It's historical fact.

Phoebe:Oh my God, he left! He just... he just left!

Phoebe:Wait, maybe he didn't leave leave. Maybe he just went to the store. You know, for milk or... or a mop, because our floors are really dirty.

Phoebe:Or maybe he had to go to the dentist! Yeah, he's been having this really bad tooth problem. Like, really bad. His gums are all swollen and he's been having like, this thick discharge—

Phoebe:Or! Or he could've just gone to the bathroom and gotten stuck on the toilet like that one time, remember? His stomach was making all these sounds...

Phoebe:Maybe the note isn't an apology at all. Maybe 'Sorry' is a person's name. Like, 'Sorry called, he wants his jacket back.'

Monica:That doesn't make any sense.

Phoebe:Well, maybe Sorry is from another dimension where names are apologies!

Phoebe:Well, you can dismiss it all you want, but I'm telling you, people change their names when they want to start fresh. It's a fact.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not how names work.

Phoebe:Oh really? Well then explain Sorry.

Ross:What?

Phoebe:Sorry. He used to be called Mad, but he changed it when he wanted to apologize for everything.

Rachel:If you don't find Chandler, I'm going to break your legs.

Ross:That's not funny.

Rachel:Oh, come on. You said it to me!

Monica:Chandler is just so wonderful, isn't he? He's thoughtful, he's funny, he's so caring...

Rachel:Yes. Absolutely. The best.

Phoebe:Really great. Really, really great.

Joey:Could you lower your script a little bit?

Richard Crosby:No.

Joey:I don't understand why he keeps spitting on me during scenes.

Richard:Well, it's called method acting, Joey. Real passion, real emotion—sometimes that involves a little saliva. The great actors of our time, they understood that spitting is an essential tool of the craft.

Gunther:I wasn't invited to the wedding.

Ross:Well, um... I mean, we wanted to keep it small, you know? Just family and close friends.

Judy Geller:Who is that sexy blonde behind the counter?

Jack Geller:That's our son.

Judy Geller:Oh my God!

Ross:Mom, Dad, I need you to keep an eye on Chandler for me while I'm gone.

Jack Geller:Why? What's wrong with Chandler?

Ross:Nothing's wrong with him. I just... I have a feeling something might happen.

Judy Geller:Like what?

Ross:I don't know. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. And if he mentions my list, tell him Jennifer Aniston is still at the top.

Joey:Thanks, that was really intense!

Richard:Yeah, you really got me worked up there.

Joey:I could tell. You were spitting all over the place.

Richard:Oh, sorry about that.

Joey:Are you kidding? That's the highest compliment! When an actor makes you so emotional you can't control your saliva, that's when you know you're doing something right.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You don't understand. I can't come in tomorrow.

Joey:I have... I have this thing.

Joey:No, no, no, it's not just a thing. It's a really important thing.

Joey:I'm serious! I have plans. Big plans.

Joey:Can't you get someone else? Anyone else?

Joey:Please, please, please. You have to believe me. This is huge!

Monica:I'm getting married today! I'm getting married today!

Monica:My hair is perfect, my dress is perfect, everything is perfect!

Monica:Ooh, my back! Ow, my neck! But WHO CARES?! I'm getting married!

Phoebe:You know, Monica, you're like a little tiny person running around with a clipboard, and you have no idea what's actually happening around you.

Rachel:Oh my god, what if I say something stupid at this interview?

Rachel:Then I won't get the job. Then I can't pay my rent. Then I'll be evicted.

Rachel:I'll end up living on the street. In the cold. Alone.

Rachel:I'll develop a mysterious illness. No one will recognize me. I'll fade away into nothing.

Phoebe:Or you could just, like, do well at the interview.

Rachel:Phoebe, do you have any tissues? I can't find any in my apartment.

Phoebe:Yeah, I think I have some in my bag.

Rachel:Oh my God, Phoebe... is this a pregnancy test?

Phoebe:Oh! Yeah, that's mine. I was wondering where that went.

Rachel:There was a pregnancy test in the garbage. And it's positive. Monica's pregnant.

Phoebe:Oh, but look on the bright side — you're gonna have a baby!

Rachel:Phoebe, that's not the bright side.

Phoebe:No, no, no — you'll have a baby to love, and it'll love you back unconditionally, and you'll never be alone.

Monica:I'm pregnant!

Phoebe:Oh my God! That's amazing! You're doing the thing!

Monica:What thing?

Phoebe:Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue... and something that stretches!

Rachel:I can't believe this is happening. The flowers are dead, the caterer canceled, and I'm still holding this pregnancy test!

Phoebe:So what are you using for birth control?

Monica:The pill.

Phoebe:Oh. Well, that's only like 99% effective.

Monica:That's actually really good.

Phoebe:Yeah, but that 1%? That's just waiting to happen.

Ross:Hi, Mrs. Bing? This is Ross Geller, Chandler's friend. I was just calling to see how you were doing and... uh... just wanted to chat!

Nora:Oh, how sweet! Is everything alright with Chandler?

Ross:What? Oh, Chandler? Yeah, he's great! We were just... we were just hanging out and he said, 'You know what? You should call my mom.' He loves you so much.

Nora:He said that?

Ross:Absolutely. In fact, he's right here next to me and he wanted me to tell you... that he misses you and he's thinking about you constantly and—

Nora:Oh my God, put him on the phone!

Ross:He... he can't talk right now.

Rachel:You're terrible at searching! You couldn't find anything if your life depended on it.

Ross:That's not true! I'm very good at searching. I search all the time. I searched for my keys for three hours yesterday.

Rachel:And did you find them?

Ross:No, but that's only because someone moved them!

Rachel:Wait, wait, wait. Before we go in there, I just need to tell you something. I've been thinking... what if I just completely changed my life? Like, what if I moved to Vermont and became a sheep farmer?

Monica:Rachel, what are you talking about?

Rachel:No, hear me out! Or I could learn to yodel. I could be really good at yodeling. Or maybe I'll just live in a van. A really nice van. With curtains.

Monica:You're stalling.

Rachel:I could become a mime! A silent mime who only communicates through interpretive dance and the occasional kazoo solo!

Rachel:I'm telling you, I need this job! I'll do anything! I mean it — anything!

Interviewer:Well, that's... that's great enthusiasm, but—

Rachel:No, you don't understand. I will work weekends, holidays, I'll sleep under my desk, I'll be your desk! Just... please, I'm begging you.

Joey:I can't come in today. I'm getting married.

Chandler:What? To who?

Joey:To you.

Joey:I'm thinking about getting a hair transplant.

Chandler:Where?

Joey:Well, let's just say it's not for my head.

Joey:Are you drunk?

Richard:No, I'm not drunk. Watch this.

Richard:I can walk in a straight line.

Richard:See? Perfectly sober.

Rachel:Oh my God, is that Chandler?

Ross:That's Phoebe.

Ross:Rachel, that doesn't make any sense.

Rachel:No, I'm telling you, it totally does! You're just not listening!

Chandler:I'm hiding at the gym. It's the one place no one would ever think to look for me.

Ross:What are you doing?

Chandler:I'm looking for a way out of this marriage.

Chandler:I could fake my own death, move to Yemen, become a goat herder...

Chandler:Actually, that doesn't sound so bad.

Ross:Okay, here's the test. My father would never, ever do this.

Ross:He'd never admit he was wrong.

Chandler:Well, I'm not like that. I can admit when I'm wrong.

Ross:Okay, so you admit you were wrong about Monica and me?

Chandler:...I'm like his father.

Chandler:Only Paul Newman can make marriage work.

Chandler:I'm not Paul Newman. I don't have his looks, I don't have his charm, I don't have his salad dressing empire.

Ross:Look, I'm not going to lie to you - you're not great at relationships. You sabotage everything.

Ross:But you know what? You're one of my best friends, and if anyone can change, it's you. I believe in you.

Chandler:Hey, hey, hey! Why did you say 'go home'? Why not 'go to your place'?

Ross:What? It's just a figure of speech.

Chandler:No, no, no. You said 'go home and take a shower.' That implies we share a home. Are you saying we should move in together?

Ross:Every joke you make is about you and Monica showering together.

Chandler:Well, it's a very clean relationship.

Ross:That's not helping your case.

Chandler:I've been coming to this office for three months. I know everyone here, I have my own desk, my own computer...

Chandler:Wait a minute. This isn't my office.

Chandler:I work two floors down.

Phoebe:You know, time is just a construct that humans created to measure their own insignificance in the infinite cosmic dance of existence.

Rachel:Okay, can we please just order the coffee?

Monica:The wedding is at dusk.

Phoebe:Dusk? Dusk is my worst time of day.

Rachel:Oh, good God, I've fallen down.

Phoebe:I lied. Chandler's vest is terrible.

Chandler:What?!

Phoebe:I'm sorry, but it is. It's hideous. And I can't keep pretending anymore.

Chandler:But you said you loved it!

Phoebe:I know, and I'm sorry. But I was lying then too.

Monica:I'm just so relieved that whole vest thing is over. That was the worst!

Chandler:The worst? Monica, your apartment is on fire.

Joey:You can't just show up drunk! What kind of professional does that?

Joey:You gotta have standards, man. You gotta take this seriously.

Chandler:Joey, you just showed up an hour late smelling like a brewery.

Joey:That's different! I was... networking!

Richard:I dropped my sword! No, I dropped my sword! I dropped my sword!

Chandler:My dad was a drag queen. A Las Vegas drag queen. She wore a sequined dress, the whole thing. And she went by the name 'Helena Handbasket.' I mean, my mother was very theatrical, and my father was even more so. They had this very theatrical relationship, which was great... until it wasn't. One day he just left. Ran off with a jazz musician. And my mother... well, she got drunk. Very drunk. And that's when things got really weird. She started telling me things about their marriage that no child should ever hear. Like, graphic things. Physical things. She told me things about my father that I'm still trying to unsee. And now every time I hear the phrase 'passing time,' I have a minor panic attack. I need therapy. I'm pretty sure I need therapy.

Monica:Thank you so much, everyone. You know, I have to say, this is the happiest day of my life. And it's all because of me. I mean, look at this dress. I picked it out. These flowers? I arranged them. This whole wedding? I planned every single detail. Chandler's just here because, well, he showed up.

Ross:Wait, Chandler's back? I missed all the drama?

Monica:Yes, he came back this morning.

Ross:This is so typical! I go out for one coffee and miss everything. Was there yelling? Crying? Please tell me there was at least some yelling.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait! I am an ordained minister! I have the paper! I have the paper!

Ross:Excuse me, are there any other weddings at this hotel today?

Hotel Staff:Yes, there are three others.

Ross:Could you tell me their names?

Hotel Staff:Popadopoulos, Stefanopolis, and Xantipolous.

Ross:Oh, that's beautiful.

Ross:Father, I need you to officiate my wedding. My fiancée is Greek, and it would mean so much to have a Greek Orthodox ceremony.

Priest:What is your name, my son?

Ross:Uh... Yogurt... Geller. Ross Yogurt Geller.

Priest:That is not a Greek name.

Ross:Well, my father is... Starter Culture Geller. And my mother is... Lactobacillus Geller.

Nora Bing:It's not fortune, it's just a dress.

Rachel:I'm not sweating, I'm glowing! It's happiness!

Rachel:Ugh, get it off me!

Phoebe:Well, maybe if you didn't keep losing him, you'd know where he was.

Ross:I don't keep losing him!

Phoebe:You lost him at the museum, you lost him at Central Perk, you lost him at the movie theater...

Ross:Those were accidents!

Phoebe:At what point does it stop being an accident and start being a cry for help?

Joey:Hey, does anybody have a big stick or something? I need to knock Richard unconscious.

Richard:Am I dead? Is this the afterlife?

Monica:No, you just fainted.

Richard:But I saw myself lying there...

Ross:I'm warning you, Chandler. I've been taking martial arts classes.

Phoebe:Oh yeah? Well I've been taking crazy classes, and I'm a lot further along than you are.

Chandler:Look at these tiny shoes. They're so small, they give me confidence. If a baby can wear these and still survive, I can wear a speedo.

Ross:That's like saying you saw Child's Play and it made you want to buy a doll.

Charles Bing:Well, at least it's not permanent.

Monica:I wish your grandmother could be here to see this.

Chandler:Which one?

Monica:The other one.

Monica:Your boutonniere is on backwards.

Chandler:Could you *be* any more of a Monica right now?

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! I'm an actor. I know how this scene is supposed to go. And you're doing it wrong.

Joey:I'm sorry I'm late. I was at this audition, and it ran really long.

Joey:But here's the thing - you're all gonna understand why I had to stay... in about eight to ten years.

Joey:We are gathered here today to join Chandler and Monica in holy matrimony. And Chandler, I just want to say, I really hope you show up.

Joey:I, uh... I don't actually have anything prepared. I thought I'd just wing it.

Joey:How hard can it be? I've been winging it my whole life!

Monica:He ran away? When? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Monica:Wait, never mind that—who's going to help me move this couch?

Monica:I promise to love you, to cherish you, to stand by your side through thick and thin. You are my soulmate, my best friend, my everything. I vow to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me.

Monica:But if, for any reason, you turn out to be a serial killer, all bets are off.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Did I miss something? What happened?

Monica:You weren't paying attention during the vows!

Joey:No, no, I was totally paying attention! I heard the whole thing. Every word.

Chandler:You weren't even looking at the altar.

Joey:Yes, I was! I was... it was very moving. Very moving ceremony. Couldn't have done it better myself.

Monica:You missed the part where they said 'I do.'

Joey:I do! I totally heard that! I do! See? I got it!

Chandler:I know about the baby.

Monica:What? How do you know about the baby?

Chandler:I found your pregnancy test.

Monica:My pregnancy test? Chandler, that's not mine.

Chandler:It's not?

Monica:No! It's Rachel's!

Phoebe:Oh my God, whose is it?

Monica:I don't know!

Chandler:Well, it's not mine.

Joey:Not mine either.

Rachel:It's... it's mine.

Ross:What?