The One With Rachels Assistant

Mac:Oh, yeah? Well, how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?

Monica:Well, you know, the lighting was... interesting.

Monica:And your delivery in that scene was very... committed.

Monica:Look, Joey, I'm just going to say it. You were terrible. Absolutely terrible. The worst thing I've ever seen. And I once watched Chandler try to parallel park for forty minutes.

Ross:I call lighting. That's my compliment. You guys can have the rest, but the lighting thing is mine.

Monica:Joey, I have something to tell you about your audition.

Joey:What? Did I get it?

Monica:Well, no, but—

Joey:But what?

Monica:You know what? I'm suddenly very attracted to you right now.

Joey:Really?

Monica:Mm-hmm.

Phoebe:What's your favorite animal say about you?

Joey:Well, it says I'm a really great guy and that I'm incredibly handsome.

Rachel:So anyway, I was at the coffee shop and—

Joey:Oh! Oh! That reminds me, I got the callback!

Rachel:That's great, Joey, but I was just—

Joey:And the casting director said I was perfect for the part!

Rachel:Joey. Joey, I'm really happy for you, but can I just finish my story?

Rachel:Wait, you're interrupting my story about the time I ran into my ex at the coffee shop.

Monica:No, that's MY story! I was there!

Rachel:You weren't even listening when I started talking about how he was with that blonde girl.

Monica:Because I'm the one who saw him first and told YOU about it!

Chandler:You guys realize you're telling the exact same story, right?

Rachel:We are?

Monica:Oh my God, we are.

Chandler:You've just been arguing about whose story it is for ten minutes.

Rachel:Wait, so you're going back on Days of Our Lives?

Rachel:Joey, that's perfect! Because these really ARE the days of your life!

Chandler:Well, I got a job offer today.

Chandler:Yeah, I'm really excited about it. And Joey got an audition for a big commercial.

Chandler:So, you know, great things are happening for us.

Chandler:Me? Oh, I've got a really bad back.

Rachel:So, do you have any questions for me?

Interviewee:Actually, yes. How would you rate your interviewing skills?

Rachel:Oh! Well, I think I did pretty well. Why?

Interviewee:Because I'm not sure you asked me a single question about the job.

Rachel:Oh my God, didn't I? See, this is exactly why I need feedback!

Rachel:Oh my God, you're here for the assistant position?

Tag:Yeah, that's right.

Rachel:Oh. Well, have you done any... modeling?

Rachel:What's your name?

Tag:Tag.

Rachel:Tag? Just... Tag?

Tag:Yeah.

Rachel:Two whole summers?

Rachel:I need to see you in my office. It's an HR requirement.

Tag:Oh, okay.

Rachel:We need to do a... full body assessment. For insurance purposes.

Rachel:Oh my God, he's so hot. No, Rachel, don't go there. He's Tag, your assistant. But look at him. No! Bad Rachel!

Monica:Married people shouldn't have secrets from each other.

Monica:That's why I haven't told Chandler about the credit card bills.

Monica:We stopped at this taco place on the way back.

Monica:Well, 'place' is a massive overstatement. It was a guy. A guy with a taco cart.

Chandler:Did Ross throw up?

Monica:No, he went to the bathroom.

Chandler:And?

Monica:Let's just say he took a trip to Europe and it wasn't pretty.

Monica:So let me get this straight - you couldn't hold it until you got back to the hotel?

Ross:Monica, it was an emergency!

Monica:You peed your pants at the Happiest Place on Earth. I guess now it's the Wettest Place on Earth.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You told everyone about the time I cried at that insurance commercial?

Joey:Yeah, and I only told you about the time I forgot my lines during that audition.

Chandler:That's it? That's your big secret? Joey, everyone forgets their lines. I'm the guy who sobbed uncontrollably at a Geico ad!

Chandler:I got completely ripped off in this deal.

Monica:I won! I actually won! Do you know what this means? I'm officially the best gift-giver in this group. The best. That's me now. Monica Geller, champion of Secret Santa.

Monica:And don't even try to tell me it was luck. This was skill. This was strategy. I studied each of you for months preparing for this moment.

Monica:Chandler, remember when you said you liked that pen? I remembered. I REMEMBERED, people!

Monica:I won! I finally won! I'm the best!

Monica:Wait... you think I'm the best, right? You all think I'm the best?

Rachel:He's very... he's very smart. And he's really good with computers. Plus, he's... he's...

Rachel:He's really, really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Phoebe:You know, when you're hiring someone, you really need to look at their qualifications, their experience, their references...

Rachel:But Phoebe, what if they're really, really hot?

Rachel:Yes, she's very qualified. She went to Yale, she speaks five languages, and she's only asking for half the salary I was paying the last girl.

Rachel:But apparently she has a really annoying laugh and sleeps with her shoes on.

Phoebe:Oh my God, who is that?

Monica:That's Tag, my new assistant at work.

Phoebe:He's... he's very... I mean, he seems nice. For someone who's probably really dumb.

Joey:Remember when we used to come here all the time? This place brings back so many memories.

Terry:Yeah, except this is a completely different restaurant that opened three months ago.

Joey:I'm perfect for the twin brother role because I look exactly like myself.

Joey:You know what? I'm leaving! And I'm taking my talent with me!

Joey:You guys are like... you're like a... like a boat.

Joey:No wait, you're like a bad... a bad sandwich that I ate.

Joey:And I'm the... I'm the guy who's not hungry anymore!

Joey:So... goodbye!

Tag:I didn't notice that plant was there.

Tag:Thank you so much for hiring me!

Rachel:Oh my God, Tag, no, no, no. We don't hug. We're not friends. You work for me now.

Monica:It's nice to have you home.

Ross:Well, I could be in a ditch somewhere.

Monica:I'm making tacos!

Ross:Tacos? After that story?

Ross:Those are tacos!

Monica:No, they're not! They're... they're taco-adjacent.

Monica:Oh wow, Ross knows what a taco is. What's next, you're going to tell us you can identify a pizza?

Ross:I didn't deliberately have an accident! Why would I choose to do that? 'Oh, I know what'll be fun today, let me soil myself for entertainment!'

Chandler:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... you know what? Maybe I should treat you like a house-training puppy. Every time you say something funny, I'll give you a treat.

Ross:So what's your type?

Chandler:Well, you know, I like a woman who's independent, intelligent, has a good sense of humor...

Chandler:...guys.

Chandler:Look, it was dark, he was attractive, and I was going through a phase!

Monica:A phase? Chandler, you're in your thirties.

Chandler:A long phase!

Monica:I laughed so hard!

Ross:Yeah, well, that's nothing compared to the time I got stuck in the bathroom at Central Perk.

Joey:I don't understand a word you just said, but I'm gonna go with it.

Phoebe:Do you think your favorite animal says something about you?

Joey:Yeah, like, my favorite animal is the penguin. And I like to think that says I'm cool and I'm a good swimmer.

Phoebe:Hmm, interesting.

Joey:Although penguins can't really talk, so I guess it doesn't say much.

Joey:Wait, what do you mean the show's canceled? Like, they're just not gonna air it?

Joey:But I already learned all my lines!

Joey:Can't they just, like, un-cancel it?

Chandler:I won the Vanilla Ice look-alike contest!

Ross:What? How did you... I didn't even place!

Chandler:You didn't place? Ross, there were only five people in the contest.

Ross:I know! And I still came in last! I looked more like Vanilla Ice than anyone here!

Monica:Ross, you came in sixth.

Ross:*voice breaking* There were only five people...

Ross:I was not crying. I was just... leaking.

Monica:I'm going to bed without dinner.

Monica:Wait... I can just go to the kitchen and make myself something to eat.

Monica:I was a late bloomer, okay? Some people don't learn to tell time until they're older.

Chandler:Monica, you were thirteen.

Monica:Well, analog clocks are confusing! There's two hands and they move at different speeds. It's not intuitive!

Monica:Wait, you wore my underwear?

Chandler:It was an emergency!

Monica:What kind of emergency requires my underwear?

Chandler:I ran out of clean ones!

Monica:So you just thought, 'I'll borrow Monica's'? You could've asked!

Chandler:Would you have said yes?

Monica:No! Which is exactly why you should've asked. Then I would've known to hide them.

Joey:Whatever, dude. You kissed a guy.

Joey:I have to go on another audition today. I hate auditioning.

Phoebe:What? An actor has to audition? That's insane!

Rachel:Yeah, sure you were.

Phoebe:Oh, you hired him because he's hot!

Rachel:No, I didn't!

Phoebe:Yeah, you did. It's okay, I do it all the time. I once hired a guy just because he had a tattoo of a scorpion on his neck.

Joanna:So what's the deal with Tag? Is he gay?

Rachel:Oh my God, yes. Completely gay. Super gay. The gayest guy I know.

Terry:So, you're back. Ready to apologize for calling me a liar about the building being twelve stories?

Joey:Terry, come on, I didn't mean—

Terry:No, no, it's fine. I'm used to it. Everyone knows buildings can't be twelve stories tall. Joey Tribbiani said so.

Monica:What time is it?

Chandler:It's, uh... it's time to stop asking me questions about my personal life.

Chandler:Hey, at least I didn't wet the bed until I was a teenager.

Monica:I was seven!

Chandler:And it was the most magical night of my life.

Monica:Oh, and Phoebe knows too.

Rachel:He's not available. He's dating someone.

Tag:What? Who?

Rachel:Me.