The One Where Chandler Doesnt Like Dogs

Ross:I forgot 14 states!

Ross:Okay, look, I was tired! And New Mexico and old Mexico are basically the same thing anyway!

Ross:Look, okay, the Dakotas are basically the same state anyway. Nobody can tell them apart. They're like the Olsen twins of geography.

Chandler:That's not how states work, Ross.

Ross:No, no, hear me out. They should just be one Dakota. It would make everything simpler.

Phoebe:Wait, I got one! Myspace!

Monica:Phoebe, those are vegetables, not states.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Is Denver a state?

Joey:Because the Broncos play there, and they're a football team, so...

Joey:Hey, did you know that sports teams are named after states? Like, the Lakers are from California, the Celtics are from Massachusetts...

Chandler:Joey, the Lakers are from Los Angeles, which is in California. But that's not really—

Joey:Exactly! And the Cowboys are from Texas, the Broncos are from Colorado... I'm telling you, man, every state has a team.

Monica:That's not how it works, Joey.

Joey:Oh yeah? Then what about the Dolphins? That's definitely a state. Dolphinland. Up north.

Monica:I'm upset because Tag said he'd come to dinner and now he's not showing up.

Monica:I made a ridiculously elaborate individual dish for one person!

Rachel:Monica, this is absolutely delicious! You've really outdone yourself!

Monica:Thank you... I know that's not true, but I'm going to enjoy it anyway.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, I got a good one. Uh, this is a celery.

Chandler:We know.

Phoebe:No, no, no. You have to guess what state it is.

Monica:Phoebe, we've been doing this for twenty minutes.

Phoebe:Are you calling me a liar? Because I know what a state is. I've been to six of them.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not how the game works.

Phoebe:There ARE rules, okay? You can't just guess any state. You have to be systematic about it.

Ross:I mean, it's basic geography. Any well-educated adult should know all fifty states.

Joey:Hey!

Ross:What?

Joey:Well-educated adults. I'm not well-educated, but I'm still an adult.

Chandler:Hey, hey, hey! At least we know where countries are. What's your excuse, Ross? You failed geography in high school!

Ross:I did not fail geography!

Chandler:Really? Because I'm looking at your old yearbook right here, and it says 'Most likely to confuse Europe with Europe.'

Joey:Hey, you know what? You're not even American!

Ross:What are you talking about? Of course I'm American.

Joey:No you're not! You failed the states test! That means you don't know where the states are, which means you're not from here!

Monica:Not let him eat? Ross, that's like asking me to stop breathing. That's like asking me to not think about how much I love organizing. It's physically impossible.

Monica:Ross, you can't keep playing. That game is psychological torture. You've been staring at that map for three hours. I'm pretty sure you're having a breakdown.

Monica:And honestly? I'm enjoying watching it.

Monica:Joey, I need to use your oven.

Joey:Sure, go ahead.

Monica:Why is your oven filled with takeout menus?

Joey:Well, it's broken, so I figured... why waste the space?

Ross:Joey, you can't just look at a globe. You have to know how to read it.

Joey:I know how to read a globe!

Ross:Okay, what's this?

Joey:That's the world.

Ross:And?

Joey:And... I'm looking at it. Wait, do you have a US globe? Because all I know is the US.

Phoebe:It's okay, I'm knitting a sweater.

Monica:Phoebe, your bag is moving.

Phoebe:I know, the needles are really going.

Ross:Is that... is that a dog?

Phoebe:It's a very woolly dog.

Phoebe:Yeah, I knitted him myself. He's a very talented dog. He can do tricks and everything.

Phoebe:I named him Fuzzy. He's won several dog shows.

Monica:Joey, you're watching the dog, right? Don't give him any of the Thanksgiving food.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. I got this.

Rachel:Joey, I'm serious. Last time you said that, you fed him an entire turkey leg.

Joey:That was one time! And he loved it.

Monica:That's not the point. Just keep the food away from the dog.

Joey:Okay, okay. No food for the dog. Got it.

Joey:Hey, little guy. You want some of this? Just a tiny piece? Come on, one little bite won't hurt.

Chandler:There's a dog in the apartment? Oh, that's just great. Do you know what this means? I'm calling my lawyer. I'm allergic to dogs!

Phoebe:Wait, wait. Everyone can see Chandler coming to Monica's?

Monica:Well, yeah. He comes through the front door.

Phoebe:Oh my God! So everyone knows? Like, the doorman knows?

Chandler:Phoebe, I live here.

Phoebe:I know that! But I thought it was a secret secret!

Tag:My girlfriend went back to Ohio.

Ross:Ohio? Oh, I've been to Ohio!

Joey:The dog ran away because... OW!

Rachel:Joey!

Joey:...because I forgot to feed it for three weeks.

Rachel:Oh, this is great. We're doing an amazing job hiding this dog.

Monica:I know, right? Who needs subtlety?

Chandler:Yeah, because nothing says 'we don't have a dog' like a dog barking in the closet.

Phoebe:*fake cough that sounds nothing like dog barks*

Phoebe:Hello, I'm a very well-mannered dog. I use my inside voice, I always say please and thank you, and I never jump on the furniture.

Phoebe:I'm also quite literate and I enjoy long walks in the park, preferably with someone who appreciates a good conversation about philosophy.

Chandler:I'm telling you, I'm gonna have an allergic reaction in five minutes.

Ross:Chandler, the dog's been here for three days.

Ross:You haven't had a reaction yet.

Chandler:Fine! Fine, okay? I lied about the allergy. You want to know the truth? I can't eat shellfish because it makes me break out in hives. No wait, that's still the allergy thing. Okay, the real reason is... I'm allergic to shellfish because my mother told me I was when I was seven and I never questioned it and now I'm too embarrassed to admit that I've been lying about it for twenty years!

Monica:Chandler...

Chandler:There! Happy now? My greatest shame is revealed!

Chandler:I don't like dogs. They're always jumping on you, licking your face, and they have no sense of personal boundaries.

Joey:What's wrong with that?

Chandler:Exactly.

Chandler:Dogs are scary.

Tag:Yeah, I know what you mean. I was at the park the other day and this dog came up to me wagging its tail.

Tag:You don't like dogs? What's wrong with you?

Chandler:I don't know, I'm just not a dog person.

Tag:Not a dog person? How is that even possible?

Chandler:I guess I'm more of a cat guy.

Tag:Oh my God. You've never really lived, have you?

Joey:Chandler hates dogs? That's weird.

Ross:Yeah, well, I don't like ice cream.

Joey:What? Why not?

Ross:Because it's too cold and it hurts my teeth.

Ross:And it's too cold!

Chandler:It's ice cream, Ross.

Ross:And the spoon is too cold!

Ross:I got a 1480 on my SATs. Pretty impressive, right?

Tag:Oh yeah? I got a 1520.

Ross:...Well, standardized tests don't really measure intelligence anyway.

Joey:A month? Three to four months? That's crazy! You should wait like... three days.

Joey:No, no, no — two days if you run into her at the coffee place.

Joey:It's a moo point. It's like a cow's opinion, it just doesn't matter. It's moo.

Monica:Did you just say 'moo point'?

Joey:Yeah, moo point. Like a cow's opinion.

Joey:A moo point. It's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.

Chandler:Have I been living under a rock? What did you just say?

Joey:Moo point.

Chandler:Help me understand this. How is it a moo point?

Joey:Well, like I said, a cow's opinion doesn't matter.

Chandler:I don't think I should be understanding this.

Joey:No one ever listens to my advice!

Joey:You know why? Because people only care about my looks, not what I have to say.

Monica:Maybe I could pull off the young, casual look.

Monica:No. No, I couldn't.

Tag:You always have all the answers.

Rachel:I do not.

Tag:Yes, you do. Name one time you've been wrong.

Rachel:I've never been wrong.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you see that? Rachel just hugged Tag!

Chandler:Yeah, Joey, it was just a friendly hug.

Joey:Friendly? Chandler, that was not a friendly hug. That was a 'I'm interested in you' hug. That was a 'let's make out' hug!

Rachel:Joey, what are you talking about?

Joey:Oh come on! The way you held on to him? The way you looked at him? You're totally into him!

Rachel:He doesn't like me back. He's just... he's insecure about his back.

Rachel:Yeah, he has a very sensitive back. He can't... he can't be around people who are taller than him because it makes him feel self-conscious about his posture.

Rachel:And fluorescent lighting really brings out his back acne, so he avoids public places.

Rachel:Plus, he told me that his back once rejected a cashmere sweater, so now he only wears synthetic blends to protect his emotional back health.

Rachel:Oh Tag, that's... I mean, you're really sweet, but I just saw someone break into my car outside and I have to... I really need to go deal with that right now.

Phoebe:Wait, wait! The dog said something!

Ross:What? The dog didn't say anything.

Phoebe:No, no, listen. The dog said 'Monica.'

Monica:The dog said my name?

Phoebe:Yeah! He was like, 'Mooo-nica!'

Phoebe:Oh come on, Chandler wouldn't notice if we dressed the dog up like Monica.

Monica:Well, actually, I did notice Chandler acting a little weird around the dog.

Phoebe:See? So you kind of knew something was up.

Monica:I mean, I had my suspicions, but I didn't want to say anything.

Phoebe:Which means Chandler is literally the only one who had no idea!

Monica:Ross, I need your help! Mr. Whiskers got out and I can't find him anywhere!

Ross:Okay, okay, just give me one second. I'm almost done with this states game. I only have three more states to get.

Monica:Three more states?! Ross, my dog is missing!

Ross:I know, I know. But I've been working on this for twenty minutes. If I don't finish now, I'll have to start all over.

Monica:Oh my God! You know what? Forget it. Forget the dog. Let's just focus on your very important game.

Ross:Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And one day, my dad decides he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend Phyllis... take away the dog, and that was the last time we ever saw him. See? This is just like that... only with a few details changed.

Joey:Don't worry man, he only attacks if he senses fear.

Chandler:Oh great, because I'm not afraid at all right now.

Joey:Wait, Utah? That's not a real state.

Ross:What? Yes it is.

Joey:No, no, no. I'm telling you, I've never heard of it. You made that up.

Ross:Joey, Utah is definitely a real state. It's been a state since 1896.

Joey:Okay, well, I don't believe you. And I'm not writing it down.

Chandler:Here puppy, puppy, pup— No, no, no. I'm not doing baby talk to a dog.

Chandler:Come here, you stupid mutt! You mangy fleabag!

Woman:Excuse me?!

Chandler:Oh! No, no, I was talking to the dog.

Woman:I am a woman!

Ross:This is ridiculous! I've been working on this states game for hours and I still can't finish it!

Ross:You know what? This isn't my fault. This is America's fault. Why does the country have to be shaped like this? Why couldn't they make it easier?

Rachel:That conversation was way too long to deny.

Joey:I can deny anything if I put my mind to it.

Joey:I'm not in denial. Tag who? I don't know any Tag. There is no Tag.

Chandler:I looked everywhere for the dog. I checked the roof, I checked the basement, I even found out my neighbor's been growing marijuana up there.

Monica:So the dog came back from Ross's building?

Monica:Oh my God, it was the most amazing thing. The dog was trapped in the stairwell for three days, right? And it just kept barking and barking, and nobody would help it because everyone was too busy with their own lives. But then, on the third day, this little girl—she couldn't have been more than eight years old—she heard the barking and she followed the sound all the way up to the roof. And when she got there, the dog was standing at the edge, silhouetted against the sunset, and it was like... the dog and the girl just knew. They understood each other in that moment.

Monica:So the girl picked up the dog, and she carried it down all those stairs—all eight flights—and she brought it to Ross's apartment and she said, 'I think this belongs to you.' And Ross, he just stood there with tears streaming down his face because he realized that sometimes the things we love find their way back to us when we need them the most.

Monica:Wait, why did I just tell you all that? You asked me where the dog was!

Ross:I've got them all! Every single state!

Rachel:Ross, you're missing like half of them.

Ross:No, I'm not! I'm completely done. Now, where's the food? I'm starving!

Ross:Where are you from?

Tag:Ohio.

Ross:Oh, I already have Ohio.

Ross:I got it! I got it! Wyoming!

Joey:Hey Ross, you counted Nevada twice.

Joey:That's why you only got 49.