The One With The Stain

Monica:Oh my God, you cleaned! This is amazing! You see, nagging works!

Monica:Wait, did one of you guys clean the apartment?

Monica:Because if no one's going to admit it, I'm going to start seriously considering that I'm doing it in my sleep.

Chandler:I got a maid.

Monica:A maid? Chandler, no! I don't want some stranger going through our stuff!

Chandler:Monica, she's just going to clean.

Monica:I would rather you have an affair.

Chandler:I relinquish my claim.

Monica:You mean you're giving up?

Chandler:She didn't say anything. I just made that up because I thought it would make you happy.

Chandler:Could I BE any less observant about sponge arrangements?

Monica:I can't clean when I'm anxious about the maid coming. That's like... that's like my thing! That's what I do when I'm stressed!

Phoebe:Is that my phone? Oh my God, nobody ever calls me. Hello?

Phoebe:Oh, it's my mother. Hi Mom! No, I can't talk right now, I'm at Central Perk with my friends.

Phoebe:Wait, a cop gave you my number? That's either really sweet or really creepy. I can't decide which.

Eric:So, Phoebe, I was wondering... if you're a person who eats lunch, maybe you'd want to eat lunch with me sometime?

Phoebe:...What?

Phoebe:I don't think you should be dating right now. You just got out of a relationship. You need time to heal and find yourself.

Phoebe:But honestly, I was just saying that because it sounded like the right thing to say. I'm totally cool with it.

Eric:I give up. I'm never going to ask her out.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, okay. Here's what you do. You wait for the perfect moment — like when she's walking out of the coffee shop, sun hitting her face just right.

Eric:And then what?

Phoebe:Then you say something really romantic but also funny. Like, 'If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.'

Eric:That's terrible.

Phoebe:No! No, that's rom-com gold! Trust me, I've seen a lot of movies.

Phoebe:Well, I appreciate the effort, but on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give you a 6. You came in strong, but your follow-through needs work, and your persistence, while admirable, bordered on harassment.

Phoebe · Eric:Great. How do you know where I live? I've got friends too.

Rachel:I can't have the baby around Joey. He'll teach her his pickup lines.

Joey:How you doin'?

Rachel:Exactly.

Ross:Well, I hate to break it to you, but those pictures aren't erotic.

Ross:A woman in my building died.

Rachel:Oh my God! Which apartment?

Ross · Rachel:Reaction beat - Ross and Rachel's awkward pause

Rachel:Oh, hi! I'm Rachel. I live here. In this building. Where you also live. We're neighbors. In this building.

Ross:Oh thank God. I was so worried we'd have to apartment hunt over a dead body.

Daughter:You speak Dutch?

Ross:...

Ross:We should be thinking about her comfort, not about apartments.

Chandler:You're right, you're right.

Ross:Although, did you see that two-bedroom that just opened up on the Upper West Side?

Brenda:You want to know my secret ingredient? Well, I... no, I can't. That's personal.

Monica:I love our new maid! She's so efficient and thorough.

Monica:Wait... is that my blouse she's wearing?

Chandler:Why would someone steal clothes and wear them back?

Monica:I don't know, but if they do, they're a criminal mastermind.

Chandler:Could it BE any more likely that someone just borrowed it?

Monica:Wait, let me see your pants.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Monica, I know what this looks like, but I have not sunk to a new low.

Monica:I just want to check for an ink stain.

Chandler:Oh, well, that's a relief. For a second there, I thought you were gonna ask me to do something really perverted.

Eric:Looking at you makes me angry because you look like Ursula.

Phoebe:

Eric:Your... your...

Eric:Without my contacts, she looks like a completely different person.

Phoebe:Oh really? Who?

Eric:I don't know... Ursula-Phoebe? Phoebesula?

Eric:Success! I did it!

Phoebe:Eric, I'm right here.

Eric:I know, and I'm not looking at you.

Eric:That was a great date!

Phoebe:You spent the whole time talking about your ex-girlfriend, and then you cried.

Joey:Hey Ross, you wanna go see that IMAX tide pools movie?

Ross:Uh, sure, why not.

Joey:Yeah, I was just kidding. There is no tide pools movie.

Joey · Ross:Really? No.

Joey:The game is on a tape, Ross. A video tape. Like the ones they sell at the store.

Ross:I know that!

Joey:Then why are you trying to tape it like you're some kind of sports broadcaster?

Ross:Gunther, je bent een domme idioot.

Gunther:What did you just say to me?

Ross:I said you're a great guy! I'm practicing my Dutch.

Gunther:That's not what that means, Ross.

Ross:Ezel!

Gunther:Hey! I know what that means!

Brenda:That's a nice shirt.

Monica:Thank you... why? Are you going to steal it?

Brenda:What? No!

Monica:That's what they all say. First the compliment, then you wait until I'm not looking, and boom — gone.

Monica:These pants are way too tight.

Brenda:I know, but I like them.

Monica:Well, you need to let them out.

Brenda:I can't, I'm wearing them tonight.

Monica:Then you need to take them off right now and let me work on them.

Brenda:Fine, but you have to do it quickly.

Monica:Okay, just pull them down and step out of them.

Brenda:What do you mean?

Monica:I mean, what I said. It was amazing.

Rachel:There's no room for a baby.

Joey:Oh, come on. Babies are small. They don't take up that much room.

Joey:See, a baby could fit right in here. Or here. Or even back here behind the couch.

Chandler:Joey, that's not a good thing.

Joey:What? I'm just saying, it's easy to lose a baby in this apartment.

Rachel:Joey, babies would make dating so much harder.

Joey:How much harder could it be? I'm already not having any trouble meeting women.

Joey:If anything, a baby would probably help my game.

Joey:I mean, how am I supposed to date with a baby around?

Joey:I can't just leave her alone... Wait, what about that bar on 8th Avenue?

Joey:You know, Rachel, you're like the hottest roommate I've ever had.

Rachel:Wait, how many roommates have you had?

Joey:Well, there was that girl in 1998, and then...

Chandler:I'll pay you to stay and keep doing that.

Phoebe:Oh, I don't think so. I'm retired.

Chandler:Wow, you're a great kisser.

Phoebe:Oh, thank you. Yeah, well, I have a very good teacher. His name is Frank Jr., and he lives in the woods behind the 7-Eleven. But don't worry, I'm sure he won't come after you.

Monica:Why does Brenda need a raise?

Chandler:She's been here for five years and she's really good at her job.

Monica:Did you see the stain?

Chandler:Yeah, I saw it. It's a big, wet spot on the couch.

Monica:Okay, first it was my jeans, then my sweaters, now my underwear is missing!

Rachel:Mon, maybe you're just losing things.

Monica:I am NOT losing things! Someone is stealing from me!

Chandler:Well, if it helps, I definitely didn't take your underwear.

Monica:Why would that help?!

Chandler:It doesn't, I was just trying to be supportive.

Monica:Chandler, did you take my bra?

Chandler:No! Why would I take your bra?

Monica:Well, it's missing, and you're the only one here!

Chandler:Monica, I'm not stealing your undergarments. That's insane.

Monica:Then where is it? Are you working with Phoebe? Is this some kind of conspiracy?

Chandler:Yes, Monica. Phoebe and I have formed an international bra smuggling ring. We're very successful.

Monica:Oh my God, is that my bra strap?

Chandler:Yes. And apparently you can see everything except the huge bra strap on your shoulder.

Monica:We're a team in this investigation.

Chandler:A team? Monica, we're not a team. We're accomplices. And when they find out what we've done, we're going to be prosecuted as such.

Monica:You're always looking at other women!

Chandler:You're one to talk!

Chandler:So you're saying the rip is the most identifiable feature of your bras?

Chandler:Monica, at what point does the rest of your bra collection just... fall apart?

Ross:I brought you some bloemen.

Dutch Woman:Bloemen?

Ross:Yes, bloemen. That's Dutch for flowers. I know a little Dutch.

Eric:Wait, so you're telling me I... I actually did it?

Eric:Oh my God. Oh my God, I thought it was Phoebe!

Eric:It's like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love..

Phoebe:You smell like Ursula.

Eric:Yeah, well, I've been spending a lot of time with her lately.

Chandler:There's a bee! There's a bee in here! Oh my God, everybody stay calm! This is a level five emergency. We need to evacuate the building immediately. Nobody make any sudden movements.

Monica:Chandler, what are you doing?

Chandler:I'm declaring a state of emergency! According to the Geneva Convention, in the event of a bee incursion, all civilians must remove their upper garments to avoid being stung!

Brenda:Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian..

Chandler:Brenda, I have a question for you.

Brenda:Yes?

Chandler:Can I see your underwear?

Brenda:No!

Chandler:Huh. Worth a shot.

Brenda:Okay, I took the jeans. And you were right, Monica. That stain is totally identifying.

Monica:Has anyone seen my pink flowered bra?

Brenda:You're wearing it.

Monica:Well, I guess I should probably resign.

Joey:Hey Rach, check this out. This baby monitor has a two-mile range.

Rachel:That's great, Joey.

Joey:Yeah, so I was thinking... we could use one in your apartment and one in mine. Then we could, you know, keep in touch when we're apart.

Rachel:Joey, that's for babies.

Joey:I know, but hear me out. We could have some fun with it. Like, you could talk to me while I'm in the shower.

Joey:You know, I've been thinking. Maybe I'm not ready to date someone with a baby. I mean, I can barely take care of myself.

Chandler:Oh my God, Joey's having a moment of self-awareness. Should we call someone?

Joey:No, I'm serious! A kid needs stability, a real father figure. And let's face it, I'm more of a... fun uncle type.

Monica:Joey, that might be the most mature thing you've ever said.

Joey:I know. Can we never speak of this again?

Joey:You know what? I'm gonna be a real actor. I'm gonna take classes, I'm gonna go to auditions, I'm gonna make it big.

Joey:And if that doesn't work out, I'll just marry someone rich.

Rachel:Oh my God! Oh my God!

Rachel:There's a... there's a live pigeon under here!

Ross:She's Dutch. From Amsterdam.

Ross:I said 'Gesundheit!' No wait, that's German...

Ross:What? Why would you— I mean, Joey's apartment is... it's not even... I was going to— We could have— I just thought...

Ross:Joey doesn't even have a proper kitchen! How are you going to make coffee? Toast? Anything?