The One With The Halloween Party

Monica:We're having a Halloween party! Costumes are mandatory.

Chandler:No.

Ross:I wore the dinosaur costume to teach in!

Chandler:Ross, that's the most inappropriate thing you could wear to a classroom.

Unknown:Halloween is just pretending to be someone you're not.

Unknown:Yeah, well you're an actor.

Joey:You could go as a scary movie villain. Like a slutty Jason.

Joey:Or a slutty Freddy Krueger.

Joey:Ooh! Slutty Michael Myers!

Joey:You know what? Slutty Hannibal Lecter. You'd wear a ball gag... but like, in a sexy way.

Ross:Yeah, well, I won Mona fair and square.

Joey:Did you?

Ross:Yes! She chose me over you.

Joey:Okay...

Ross:She did! Right? She chose me? She's still choosing me? Tell me she's still choosing me!

Phoebe:Ursula!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I thought you were my reflection.

Ursula:We're having a small ceremony with just family.

Phoebe:What do you mean 'just family'? I'm family!

Ursula:His family. Not mine.

Phoebe:No, these are my regular clothes.

Rachel:I'm not wearing a costume. I'm pregnant.

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. So when you're done with it, you're gonna give it to me, right?

Rachel:Well, see, the thing about fashion is that it's not just about clothes, it's about expressing yourself and—

Kid:Can I have some candy?

Chandler:I have never worn a bunny costume in my life. Well, except for that Easter in 1987, but we agreed never to speak of that again.

Joey:What do you mean 'dressed up'? I'm not dressed up.

Joey:I'm dressed as Chandler.

Chandler:I do not sound like that.

Joey:I do not sound like that.

Rachel:Oh my God, look at you! You're so cute! Okay, new rule: you can only eat the candy if you say 'please' in baby talk. Can you do that? Say 'peeeease'?

Rachel:And another rule—you have to hop on one foot to the next house. It's much more fun that way!

Rachel:Oh! And you can't have any chocolate, only gummies. Actually, wait—no gummies either. Just the red candies. The red ones are the best for you.

Rachel:I gave away all my candy because she said she loved me!

Monica:Rachel, you're pregnant.

Ross:It's a potato… that's also Sputnik. Get it? Because Sputnik is Russian, and Russians eat a lot of potatoes.

Chandler:Yeah, we got it.

Ross:So it's a Sput-nik... a Spud-nik!

Joey:Hey, that's not a potato. That's a butt.

Eric:Wait, you're Phoebe? Not Ursula?

Phoebe:Yeah, I'm Phoebe. Why?

Eric:Oh my God. Oh my God, no...

Chandler:Why did you slap her?

Eric:I thought she was someone else!

Monica:So what, now you're just slapping random people?

Eric:Well, maybe if we all slapped each other, nobody would feel singled out.

Eric:Maybe you should try to contact your mother. You know, do a séance or something.

Phoebe:My mother killed herself.

Eric:Oh. Well, that would make the séance a lot easier then.

Phoebe:I love second grade.

Eric:Second grade? That's middle management. You gotta work your way up from kindergarten.

Joey:Who would win a fight between Catwoman and Supergirl?

Joey:I don't know, but I know Phoebe would beat them both.

Joey:Phoebe would win any fight. She's lived on the streets, she's been in and out of jail, she sold her body for... other things.

Chandler:Joey!

Joey:What? I'm just saying, the woman is tough!

Rachel:As if! I mean, please. Ross can barely open a jar, and Chandler? He runs like a girl.

Phoebe:He's so hot, even when he's all sweaty. I'd totally mop him up.

Chandler:That's gross.

Phoebe:What? I meant like in basketball!

Phoebe:I know you are but what am I?

Monica:What's your name?

Kid:Jkhxcvbnmsdhfkuerbvnmxcvbsdhfbvxcvbsdhfbvxcvbsdhfbvxcvbsdhfbvxcvb

Monica:How about we just call you 'Bob'?

Joey:Why don't you wear that sexy nurse costume I suggested?

Mona:I'm an actual nurse, Joey.

Joey:Exactly! So you're already halfway there!

Ross:Joey, that's not helpful.

Ross:I mean, what's wrong with a sexy nurse? Nurses are sexy.

Rachel:Ross!

Ross:What? I'm just saying, they have those little caps, and the shoes...

Monica:Oh my God, Ross, stop talking.

Ross:You know what? I don't even care anymore. I've said so much weird stuff in front of you people, nothing could embarrass me now.

Joey:Hey, if she laughs at your jokes, marry her!

Ursula:I founded a town in the Peace Corps. It's called Ursulapolis.

Chandler:I could make jokes about my humiliating costume, but I'd just be trying too hard. Which, let's face it, is my signature move.

Ross:I'm telling you, I could take you in a fight.

Chandler:Oh please, you'd cry.

Ross:I would not cry!

Chandler:You cried at that commercial with the kitten.

Ross:That was... that was different.

Chandler:How about we arm wrestle then, tough guy?

Ross:You're on!

Chandler:Okay, one... two...

Ross:Ow! Ow! Uncle! Uncle!

Chandler:That's what I thought.

Ross:You're going down.

Chandler:Oh yeah? Well, you're going... down. Harder.

Ross:Yeah, that's right. We're not guys you want to mess with.

Chandler:We're very dangerous.

Ross:Extremely dangerous.

Monica:You guys are about as intimidating as a couple of kittens in sweaters.

Rachel:Gunther, you're so sweet for bringing me candy. You're like the nicest guy I know. You're like my best friend.

Gunther:...

Rachel:You know what? Here comes a really good one.

Rachel:You're... you're a big stupid head!

Ursula:It's just a marriage. It's not like it means anything. I mean, I'm probably going to cheat on him anyway.

Phoebe:Well, at least call it what it is — an affair, not a 'thing on the side.'

Monica:Oh my God, that's the same face you make when we're—

Ross:Well, I've been divorced twice, I'm still in love with Rachel, and I named my son after the woman I was in love with before that. So yeah, I'm definitely the guy to take relationship advice from.

Ross:Okay, fine. Fine! Joey was right. The costume was ridiculous.

Joey:Thank you! I've been saying this the whole time!

Ross:But it was a perfectly accurate historical recreation!

Joey:No one cares, man. You looked like a freak.

Eric:There's no such thing as a 'Top Secret School for the Children of Spies.'

Ursula:I need to pray. I need to find my spiritual center.

Rachel:So I gave him money to stop crying.

Rachel:Then I had to pretend to be his girlfriend at, like, five different houses.

Monica:Kids are only bad on Halloween, Rachel. That's it. Just that one day.

Rachel:Really?

Monica:Well, okay, and Christmas. Kids go crazy on Christmas.

Monica:And their birthdays. Obviously birthdays.

Monica:And the summer. Kids are terrible all summer.

Monica:And during school when they get home. That's bad.

Monica:And spring break.

Monica:And Thanksgiving. Oh God, Thanksgiving is the worst.

Monica:And rainy days when they can't go outside.

Monica:And sunny days when they have too much energy.

Monica:Basically... kids are only good when they're asleep.

Monica:Kids are difficult when they're teething, when they're potty training, when they're going through puberty, when they're teenagers...

Rachel:Monica, I'm never having kids.

Monica:Oh, you say that now.

Chandler:I'm telling you, I'm stronger than I look. I could totally take Monica in an arm wrestle.

Monica:Oh really? You want to do this?

Chandler:Yeah, bring it on!

Monica:Okay...

Chandler:Oh my God! Ow ow ow ow! Make it stop! I think you broke my arm! I can't feel my fingers! This is it, this is how I go out — defeated by a woman half my size!