The One With Christmas In Tulsa

Unknown friend:Did you write that?

Monica:I mean, what kind of idiot lives in Tulsa?

Monica:People from Tulsa are dumb.

Chandler:Oh really? Well, my office in New York is full of arrogant jerks.

Chandler:I'm caught between worlds.

Monica:So Chandler, you really hate your job?

Chandler:Hate it? I don't even know what I do anymore.

Joey:Well at least you have a job. I've been rejected from seventeen auditions this week.

Rachel:Joey, that's actually pretty good for you.

Phoebe:You know what? I love my job. I get to massage people and heal their chakras.

Monica:That's great, Phoebe. What about you, Ross? Happy with the museum?

Ross:Happy? Monica, I get to study dinosaurs all day! Do you know how amazing that is? I literally found a fossilized toenail yesterday and I nearly cried!

Joey:Could I BE any more in the holiday spirit?

Chandler:Hey, I know it's Christmas Eve and you're all stuck here working, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate—

Tulsa Employee:*points at chair with hostile message written on it*

Chandler:Oh. Well, that's... that's not great.

Chandler:Hey, you guys can call me Chandler. You don't have to call me Mr. Bing.

Coworker:We know.

Wendy:I responded to their jealousy by stealing their ham.

Chandler:I have some great news for everyone. Due to the company's excellent performance this year, we're all getting a Christmas bonus!

Chandler:Here's yours.

Chandler:"Dear Friend, Thank you for your generous donation to the World Wildlife Fund. Your contribution will help save endangered species."

Chandler:I'd like to donate... my time. I'm very busy, so that's actually worth a lot of money.

Tulsa employee:Everything sucks.

Tulsa employee:This place sucks, my job sucks, my life sucks.

Tulsa employee:You know what? Misery and complaints... that's what makes it feel like Christmas.

Chandler:Yeah, everyone's going home to their families. None of them invited me.

Chandler:That was a great pep talk, right? I think I should consider a career in motivational speaking.

Rachel:Phoebe, help me look for Monica's hidden Christmas presents.

Phoebe:Okay!

Joey:Hey, what are you guys doing?

Rachel:We're looking for Monica's Christmas presents.

Joey:Oh! You're looking for me? I'm a Christmas present!

Rachel:She's a wily minx, you guys. Every year, she hides them in a different place.

Rachel:Because if the gifts aren't equal, Monica might feel bad.

Chandler:Why?

Rachel:Because she'll think you don't care about her as much.

Chandler:Why?

Rachel:Because that's what unequal gifts mean, Chandler!

Chandler:Why?

Rachel:Oh my God, stop it! You're being so mean!

Monica:Oh my God, you guys, there are presents under the couch!

Rachel:What? Monica, you said no presents!

Monica:I know, I know. But I left you a note.

Chandler:A note? What kind of note?

Monica:"Dear friends, if you're reading this, you've already found the presents and ruined the surprise. You're all terrible. Especially Chandler, who couldn't help himself and had to drag everyone down here."

Joey:Well, you know what? You should get some of those little tree air fresheners for your apartment.

Joey:And like, hang 'em around, and pretty soon you'll think you have a car.

Ross:Oh wow, two sodas? This is... this is incredible. I don't know what to say. You shouldn't have. Seriously, you really shouldn't have.

Joey:And finally, ribbed for her pleasure!

Joey:What is that, some kind of weird turtle-man?

Ross:I'm the Holiday Armadillo.

Joey:Yeah, well, you look ridiculous.

Ross:Hi, I'm the Holiday Armadillo.

Child:Why are you an armadillo?

Ross:Well, that's a good question. You see, armadillos are very, very smart creatures. And at Christmas time, I like to dress up as one to celebrate the holidays in a fun and educational way.

Child:That doesn't make any sense.

Ross:Well, not to you maybe.

Ross:I mean, when you say it out loud, it does sound a little crazy.

Chandler:I have to leave? But I'm Santa! Do you know how hard it is to find a suit that fits? I had to special order this thing. And now you're telling me I have to go? What am I supposed to do, just walk out there and say 'Ho ho ho, I'm leaving'? Because that's not going to work. That's not going to work at all.

Wendy:I can't leave yet. I stole a ham from the grocery store earlier, and now people are actively hunting for it.

Monica:Is she pretty?

Chandler:Well, I... she has...

Monica:Is she pretty?!

Chandler:I mean, her face is...

Monica:PRETTY?! Is she PRETTY?!

Chandler:Yes! Yes, she's pretty!

Monica:That's not good enough! I need a better answer than that.

Chandler:Monica, what do you want from me?

Monica:I want you to say it like you mean it! With feeling! With passion!

Monica:What?! Chandler, that's inappropriate!

Chandler:No, no, no! She's below me in the company hierarchy!

Monica:Oh... oh my God, I thought you meant... never mind.

Chandler:Hey, hey, look on the bright side. She didn't win.

Chandler:What? I'm just saying, Oklahoma has some very attractive women.

Monica:Chandler!

Chandler:I mean, not as attractive as Miss Oklahoma, obviously. She's stunning. But there are definitely some cute girls there.

Monica:Oh my God, stop talking!

Chandler:What? I'm not ranking them or anything. I'm just saying, if you had to make a list of states by the attractiveness of their women, Oklahoma would probably be... in the middle? Maybe upper-middle?

Chandler:Could you not do that? You're gonna wrinkle my shirt.

Chandler:Maybe it's location-specific. Like, I'm only attractive in New York. If I moved to LA, I'd probably have to pay women to talk to me.

Wendy:That's not true.

Chandler:Well, we won't know until I move, will we?

Chandler:I'm happily married.

Wendy:Really? Because I just watched you have a paranoid phone call where you asked your wife if she was leaving you... three times.

Chandler:I'm not saying my marriage is perfect, but Monica and I, we make it work.

Wendy:You literally just said you haven't spoken to her in three days.

Joey:How drunk are you?

Rachel:I'm at that perfect level where I can blame you for anything that happens, but I'm still coherent enough that it doesn't count as taking advantage of me.

Rachel:I'm not drunk, I'm just at that perfect level where everything is funny and nothing hurts.

Joey:That's the sweet spot. I know it well.

Joey:Over four women? That's right.

Rachel:Wow, Joey, that was really fast.

Joey:Well, you know what they say: quality over quantity.

Rachel:We can't do this. If we do this, we can never be friends again.

Rachel:Our friendship is ruined!

Joey:Oh come on, Rach. We've known each other, what, like two years?

Rachel:I looked up 'goofing around' in the dictionary.

Joey:Yeah? What'd it say?

Rachel:It said: 'The act of spending time with someone you care about, doing things that don't really matter, but somehow matter more than anything else.' It's like... that's us, you know?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not what it says.

Rachel:What do you mean? That's exactly what—

Joey:No, no, no. I checked. It says: 'Joey Tribbiani's nightly activities.'

Ross:I have something old! I've been carrying this condom since 1987.

Rachel:Ross, that's not what they meant.

Ross:I know, but I'm prepared! Well, I was prepared. Now I'm just... optimistic.

Monica:I'm so worried about spending all this money on the wedding. What if we don't have enough left over?

Chandler:Well, we could always just put one kid through college and the other one gets to figure it out on their own.

Chandler:I picture us in a big house, with a couple of kids running around, you know? And maybe a dog. We'd have this great life together.

Chandler:And of course, we'd have to set aside a room for Joey when he inevitably needs a place to crash.

Monica:Oh, so her name is Erica? That's a terrible name. I mean, who names their kid Erica? It's so... generic. And the way he says it, it's so romantic. 'Erica.' Ugh, I hate it.

Monica:Oh, isn't the snow beautiful? Look at how it's falling... so gently, so peacefully...

Monica:Wait. Wait, what if it doesn't stop? What if it just keeps falling and falling and we're all buried alive?

Monica:And then they have to dig us out, and we're all huddled together for warmth, and... and Joey's scarf comes undone...

Monica:Oh my God, Chandler, what if you get fired?

Chandler:Well, actually, I quit.

Monica:You what?

Monica:So what do you really want to do?

Chandler:I don't know.

Chandler:I have no idea.

Chandler:I just quit my job.

Chandler:Alright, everyone, I got you all the same gift I give my employees every year.

Monica:What is it?

Chandler:A donation has been made in your name to the World Wildlife Fund.

Phoebe:Oh my god, this is too nice! I can't possibly return this. It's way too valuable!

Joey:Hey, how come my certificate says 'Joseph Tribbiani'? My name is Joey!

Chandler:Well, at least you got one. I just realized I'm unemployed.

Monica:Oh, so now you're MY kept man? Well, don't you worry. I'll take care of you. You just focus on looking pretty and keeping the apartment clean.