The One with Christmas in Tulsa

Wow! That was great! You really wrote that?

Why can't those dumb Tulsa people do the work?

Because those dumb people got everything dumped on them by the arrogant jerks in the New York office. I'm caught between two worlds.

You don't even like your job. So. Who does? I like my job. I love my job. I can't wait to go back to work. I can't get enough dinosaurs.

And to all a good night!

Screw you, Mr. Bing on the back of my chair

By the way, you can all call me Chandler.

So I stole their ham.

A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet.

Well, that's like money in your pocket.

Now it feels like Christmas.

Which, by the way, none of you have invited me to.

It was a nice pep talk. Thanks. I'm actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.

I can save you time, ladies. I'm right here.

She's always bested us, that wily minx.

Why would you do that to her? Why? Why?

Dear Losers: Do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you.

No, but with this new-car smell, you'll think you do.

Well, this-- This is too much.

They're ribbed, for your pleasure.

What are you doing here, weird turtle-man?

I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend.

There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

There are some pissed-off insurance people looking for that ham.

Answer faster. Answer faster.

Answer better. Answer better.

She did what?

Well, she didn't win.

Second prettiest that year. Of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably--

This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but you're getting ham on my only tie.

Am I sexy in Oklahoma?

Seriously? Happily married?

If what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?

Drunk enough that I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.

That's a perfect amount.

Well, I have kissed over four women.

It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.

Well, I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.

We weren't that close anyway.

And the technical definition is two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just want to spend more time together.

Okay. I have a condom in my wallet that I've had since I was 12.

Forget about the future and stuff. So we only have two kids. We'll pick our favorite, and that one will get to go to college.

We'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.

Wendy's a fat-girl name.

Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa where my husband's having sex on a copier?

Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.

I have not thought this through.

A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet.

What? Are you kidding? I can't return this.

Mine says, 'To Lillian Myers.' I don't have a job.

You are. Honey, here's 20 bucks. Go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow.