The Gang Beats Boggs

Dee:You jerks are just all mad 'cause I'm gonna be the one to shatter Boss Hogg's drinking record.

Mac:Dee, Boss Hogg was a big, fat redneck from The Dukes of Hazzard. Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame third baseman.

Mac:That's why we're doing this, to honor his memory, okay? May he rest in peace.

Charlie:First off, Wade Boggs is very much alive.

Charlie:Which, to be honest, is an absolutely insane amount of beer. Nobody can drink that much.

Mac:Not with an attitude like that.

Mac:That's why we're doing this, all right? To honor his memory. Rest in peace, Wade.

Charlie:Again, he is still alive.

Dee:Always sticking me with the nerds.

Mac:We're doing a Wade Boggs-type thing, and that makes me sort of the Commissioner Bud Selig of the group.

Mac:It's... really cold. Man, Dee... You really have to slow down a little bit.

Frank:how many beers are we allowed to order at once?

Flight Attendant:I'm not sure. No one has ever asked that before.

Frank:How about you make it an even dozen?

Flight Attendant:How about I start you with two apiece and then we just take it from there?

Frank:I'll be taking care of everybody on the Boggs account.

Frank:Oh, and by the way, do you sell condoms?

Flight Attendant:No, I'm afraid we don't.

Frank:Aw... Yeah. I'll have to figure something else out.

Frank:I'm gonna become the first-ever member of the Air Sex Society.

Dennis:Because that's already a thing. It's called the Mile High Club. People have been doing it since planes have been around.

Frank:That name sucks.

Frank:I will make you a bet that I plow somebody on this fight, somewhere other than the bathroom, before we hit the Great Lakes.

Mac:There's no betting, okay? That compromises the integrity of the game.

Mac:not because you told me to, but because I'm commissioner and that's my job.

Dee:29... beers.

Charlie:The man ate a chicken before every game, all right? That's why they called him the Chicken Man.

Charlie:Mama needs another pop, pop Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop, soda pop, soda pop, nah...

Mac:Wade Boggs would roll in his grave if he could see your behavior.

Charlie:Wade Boggs is alive. Huh? He lives in Tampa, Florida. He's in his early 50s.

Dee:Greenies. Uppers. Vtt! Feel like I got a rocket up my ass.

Mac:As the Bud Selig of the group, it's my job to quietly sweep this under the rug before anybody finds out.

Frank:Don't worry about it. I laced it with sleeping pills. He's gonna be out like a light in two minutes.

Dennis:Frank, of the 206 passengers on this flight, 98 of them are women, but only one of them is a suitable candidate: 44G.

Dennis:Notice how she glances forlornly at the empty seat next to her. It was meant for someone special.

Dennis:And the tan line on her ring finger suggests the wound is still fresh, leaving her vulnerable.

Dennis:It's from the J.Crew Spring 2012 collection.

Dennis:she's got no panty line, giving me about five extra seconds to enter her swiftly before she realizes I am not the answer to her problems.

Dennis:No, her blouse is covered in cigarette burns. And I imagine underneath that blouse, you'll find copious amounts of road rash, probably sustained in some sort of off-roading accident, which would also explain her limp.

Dennis:No, her blouse is covered in cigarette burns. And I imagine underneath that blouse, you'll find copious amounts of road rash, probably sustained in some sort of off-roading accident, which would also explain her limp.

Dennis:Either way, she's North Dakota trash through and through and far beneath a gentleman such as myself.

Mac:I need you to start a McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with Dee.

Charlie:Boggsy didn't drink six gallons of beer because he was obsessed with, like, breaking some record. You know what I mean? He did it 'cause he was just, like, thirsty, you know? And looking to pass the time.

Charlie:Who-who cares about 27 beers? We're not selling anything. Like, I think you're taking the commissioner thing way... Look, you lost the chugging contest, man.

Pilot:So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me, you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try.

Pilot:Attention, passengers. This is your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking. And this cold slice of heaven is my 40th beer of the afternoon. So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me, you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try.

The Boggs group is cut off.

Mac:I got a hundred extra beers in a checked bag, okay? Now, according to movies like Executive Decision and Passenger 57, there is a secret hatch on every plane that allows me to travel freely throughout the aircraft.

Frank:Mantis Toboggan, MD.

Frank:You want this young man to live, you're gonna have to give me some aspirin, a roll of duct tape, a bag of peanuts and four beers.

Mac:Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.

Mac:Nothing with my lips, all right?

Flight Attendant:Okay.

Mac:I won't do that with you.

Frank:One time, this broad chewed through the fuselage of a 747! Luckily, I'm a pilot, too. I inverted the bird and landed her safely in an open field.

Flight Attendant:You've had 14 beers.

Frank:You don't know that.

Flight Attendant:It's written on your shirt.

Dennis:You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it out of the park every single time at bat. He just tried to get the ball in play and hope that he could squeak it through the hole. And I just, uh, squeaked it through multiple holes if you know what I'm saying.

Turns out she takes her ring off when she flies because her fingers swell.

Flight Attendant:Excuse me, Mr. Person, would you mind switching seats so I could sit with my boyfriend?

Charlie:You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!

Wade Boggs:I'm not a ghost, Charlie. You're just hallucinating. You've had over 30 beers, dude!

Dee:Now, I know you're not quitting on me. I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked Hazzard County schemes!

Dee:Well, what do you say, Boss? Now, I know you're not quitting on me. I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked Hazzard County schemes!

Woman:You're going to L.A.? About 200 miles inland-- the Salton Sea. My family has a tilapia farm there.

Dennis:I mistook that girl for Great Plains trash. She's actually desert trash. I should've picked up on the multiple gecko tattoos, so this, this is kind of on me.

Frank:I'm tired of people telling me what I can't do. They say I can't drink on a plane. They say I can't bang on a plane. They'll say I can't be a pilot. I can't be a doctor. I'm gonna do it.

Frank:Just leave me here.

Dee:I did it! 71 beers! Holy shit! I'm the king. I'm the king, Boss Hogg.

Mac:Boggs didn't just drink enough beer to kill a horse. He also suited up the next day and went three for five, so you're gonna have to do that.

Mac:She took a ride on the carousel.

Charlie:Give me the hot dog, baby!

Charlie:That's the Wade Boggs style!

Mac:That's the only ball I have, and I didn't expect you to hit it that far. I really don't feel like going to get it.

Mac:So, I'm the commissioner. I say you did it! Game on!

Mac:You know, that's the only ball I have, and I didn't expect you to hit it that far. I really don't feel like going to get it. So, I'm the commissioner. I say you did it!

Charlie:They got chicken Philly? They got chicken, yeah!