The Gang Group Dates

Mac:Right, right, so you went on a group date with a bunch of ugly chicks to make yourself look good, and you tricked a guy.

Dee:Yes, of course, that's exactly what I did, and it worked well, and-and now we're going steady.

Frank:The next thing you know, it was all asses and hands and tits and... I could slip right in and out without anybody noticing. It was great.

Charlie:I don't know if you guys noticed this, but, like, I'm kind of having a hard time closing the deal with the waitress.

Dennis:Is he...?

Mac:Yeah, we've noticed.

Dennis:As an erotic man, I have been keeping my eye on this buncher situation

Frank:All right, here's to orgies.

Charlie:Man, I'm really nervous. I'm, like, sweating through my pants.

Mac:Have you brought cheese?

Charlie:Yeah, you need some?

Dennis:See, the girls will see the leash, and I'll say, 'I've got a rescue dog outside,' thereby, 'D,' demonstrating my value as a compassionate man.

Dennis:Later, when we go outside, the dog will be missing. I'll become hysterical and suggest that, maybe, the dog ran back to the apartment.

Mac:He let it go. It probably got obliterated by a taxi or something.

Dennis:There never was a dog.

Charlie:Oh, my God! Wait, wait, wait, wait. There was no dog?

Mac:I thought we got a dog.

Dee:I just dropped a whole bunch of money on a new promise ring for my man.

Frank:Corral him, because God knows he'll never ask you.

Frank:You sound like a 12-year-old. It's a total turn-off. My cock ring is sliding off.

Dee:Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp.

Frank:Oh, shit. It fell off. Help me find it.

Dennis:I tell you, when I snuggle up next to him on the couch, I'd swear that... that he's the one who rescued me.

Charlie:The waitress got bit by a chow once, and I kicked the shit out of the thing.

You kicked a dog?

Charlie:She's the woman I'm in love with, you know? And I follow her around a lot, and she doesn't really give me the time of day

Mac:She's not beautiful.

Mac:And everybody's banged her.

Charlie:Except for me.

Mac:I will strike you down!

Dennis:You're gonna strike me down?!

That's our thing.

They're doing a bit.

Dennis:While I don't particularly find you conventionally attractive, I do find you oddly sexy.

Woman:Can I get a drink?

Dennis:Y... go ask one of the other ones.

Woman:What other ones?

Dennis:The other ones, the bird lady, the-the troll man.

Dennis:You're moving closer to the men who eat trash and bang transsexuals?

Ryan:I'm actually on a Buncher. Wait, what? Yeah, they should be here any minute.

Ryan:Oh. It's kind of small, huh?

Dee:Well, it's my dad's.

Dee:I'm breaking up with you.

Ryan:Right. Well, I didn't know that we were together.

Dennis:We killed it, boys. We killed it. This was a great idea.

Mac:Yeah, but the date sucked.

Dennis:It did suck for you guys, though. Yeah, I imagine those girls are probably at their apartments right now, trying to figure out how to get in touch with me.

Dennis:One star? Out of five? No, no, no.

Mac:Me and Charlie got two stars!

Dennis:Oh!

Mac:Nice! We're better than you, dude!

Dennis:I was a five-star man before the Internet, and I'm damn sure a five-star man now, okay? I just gotta drop the dead weight so I can shine.

Dennis:Ah, this poor jerk has no idea he's about to get played like a goddamn guitar.

Dennis:The dirty one or the gay one.

Mac:Creatine shits.

Charlie:It's a love story for the ages.

Mac:Also, who's going to say grace? We should figure that out now.

Dennis:Oh, what, this? Henry. Henry the dog. He's lost. Probably dead.

Dennis:Look, let's cut to the chase. I like you. I like you very much. This is gonna happen.

Dennis:If it were a one out of five thing, and it is, what would you give me? The obvious five-star rating, or would you be a liar?

Dennis:Oh, I have a rescue dog outside.

Dennis:Okay. That was jarring. There's no context for that.

Dee:Looks like the spider caught herself a fly.

Frank:I got a great one about a dago fisherman.

Frank:Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Ethnic jokes are really dicey.

Frank:cowboys hate teachers. You know, cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves.

Mac:Hi, ladies. I'm Frack. Shit.

Dennis:Now I'm a half a star? Half a star? How does a five-star man get...

Dennis:Call you one star, bitch. Ha!

Dee:The DEE system. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.

Mac:She orders a steak well-done and then complains when the damn thing comes out and it's too dry. Well, it's like, 'Hey, dum-dum, you ordered the damn thing well-done. That's why it's dry, you stupid idiot.'

Mac:I like to think of us as mercenaries, a strike force actually. Frank's management, I'm security, Charlie bashes rats.

Charlie:I don't really bash them so much as I start to drown them these days so I don't have to listen to their screams.

Charlie:I have 80 of them that live in my alleyway. Too many cats, sounds strange. I have eight cats that sleep in my sink. Still too many.

Dennis:I'm a five-star man! I'm a five-star man!

Dennis:But now I know what it feels like to be completely unwanted like you.

Dennis:You 'don't have online'? What the hell does that...? Just... you can just go on your phone and do it on your phone. My phone is, it's so old!

Dennis:Oh, my God! That phone is preposterous! How long have you had that? Nine... 90...

Dennis:I don't need your approval. Goddamn. I don't need anyone's approval. This is stupid. What are you doing? You rating me right now? Well, guess what. Go ahead, rate me! 'Cause I'll rate you, huh?!

Charlie:Where am I... in Ohio?!

Charlie:There's this dago fisherman...

Frank:Oh, shit! No, no, Charlie... Charlie, we got it, we got... Oh, shit! There goes my cock ring!

Dee:They're all here to get Deed-- the most empowered woman in Philly.

Man:Hey, are you the whore who bangs everybody?

Dee:No, I'm not the whore... I-I'm the empowered woman who gives poor ratings to men.

Dennis:You can't derive your self-worth from the opinions of others.

Mac:No! No, you get your self-worth from when you convince yourself that your tough and that you're straight.

Dennis:Or that you are a powerful woman... instead of a dirty, dirty whore... who bangs toad people.

Dennis:Your true power comes not from outside sources, but from the delusional stories that you all convince yourselves of. And no one, no one can take that away from you.

Dennis:Goddamn it! You son of a bitch!