Mac Kills His Dad

That's really depressing, and how do you lose control of a ferry? They're slow as shit.

Guy must've been drunk.

Frank:Hey-yo! Check out my new threads. Picked them up at the airport.

Mac:What were you doing at the airport?

Frank:I don't know, just farting around.

Mac:"Life is happy"? What the hell is that?

Frank:Well, it's-it's clothing that supports a positive message. I mean, you wear it and you celebrate that life is happy, baby.

Dennis:You're right, Frank, life is happy.

Mac:Holy shit-- that's my dad!

Mac:Can you believe what they're saying about my dad having killed that guy?!

Mmmm.

Yeah. Yeah, why-why wouldn't I believe that?

Charlie:as long as he doesn't ask us to shove heroin up our ass again, I'll-I'll be cool.

Mac:He might and I might do it.

Charlie:Well, you would enjoy it more than I would.

Mac:It's been so long! Look! I-I brought a picture of Mom here just to make you feel more at home. She looks good, right?

Mac:And, uh, me-- what about me? How do I look? Do I look cool?

Charlie:Give it a rest.

Mac:Do I look cool?

Mac:Besides, there's no way that you could've done this. You have a bad shoulder and that's why you could never have a catch with me, remember?

Charlie:I specialize in bird law mostly, but I know my way...

Stay out of this! Both of you!

Mac:I love you and I... Oh, I love you! I love you, Dad! I love you! He can't hear me because of this...

Charlie:Uh, he definitely heard you.

Mac:And the glass is too thick.

Dennis:The guy wasn't even drunk! This was a sober man purposely steering a ship into a power plant. Oh, God, the world is a very depressing place.

Dee:You guys are depressing. I'm trying to enjoy my cone over here. Turn that crap off!

Frank:Yeah, baby! There they are! The usual suspects! Pondy!

I'm gonna kill myself. What? Yeah, no, no, I'm gonna drink myself to death. Yeah, I botched it. Life, you know?

It-It's like there's this tiny little soul man in my body driving me around. That little soul man's ready to power old Bill down and move on to the next party monster.

Bill:Aw, come on, you guys own a bar, right? You watch people slowly kill themselves every day, am I right?

Charlie:Excuse me, sir, uh, do you work here?

Worker:Yeah.

Charlie:Please, don't stop your work. They never do on TV. Go ahead and place that bag down.

Worker:You're Luther's kid?

Mac:Yeah. That's right, bozo. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn't get the death penalty, all right?

Worker:Is that a threat?

Worker:There was more than one guy? I said too much. I don't want any trouble, okay?

Mac:Well, then stop giving us trouble, and tell us if there was another guy.

Worker:My lips are sealed, guys.

Mac:Then unseal them, or I'll unseal them for you!

Mac:Threaten? I wasn't threatening him. How do you not know what a threat sounds like? Oh, you mean the 'lips' thing? Yes, the 'lips' thing. Charlie, he's got words in his lips-- I needed to get them out.

Maureen:I've had a few surgical procedures to enhance my natural beauty.

Dennis:You look like a cat.

Maureen:Yes, exactly. Cats are beautiful.

Dennis:Where are your breasts?

Maureen:Oh, they're in my face.

I don't call him 'Dad.' I call him Mr. Cocksucker, 'cause he sucks so many cocks.

Dennis:Oh, that's fantastic. What? No, that's not fantastic. The man's trying to kill himself.

Bill's Daughter:If he dies, we get money.

Bill's Daughter:When I get my money, I want to buy a new cell phone.

Bill's Son:I'm gonna buy a gun, because I'm the man of the house.

Bill's Daughter:No. He told me. He said, 'I do not love you. You're a punk.' He called me too fat to be a slut, and tried to serve me an omelet with cocaine in it.

Bill's Daughter:Oh, I blame you, too. You and the other hookers he slept with. Hold on a second.

Dennis:I'm not... I'm not a hooker.

Bill's Daughter:Nah.

Bill's Daughter:You're a hooker.

She looks like a cat.

Cats are magical.

I kind of like... I mean, maybe you could get some fur.

Oh, I like that idea.

What are you talking? No!

Frank:Yeah. You could go full cat and start wearing humans on your sweatshirt.

Bill's Daughter:Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece of garbage, and we all hope he dies.

Bill's Son:Yeah.

Mac:Also, we got a stop sign and recreated the murder, and there was no way that you could have swung that. Actually, I kind of jacked my shoulder up a little bit, too.

Luther:Word's out my son is intimidating witnesses. Now, that makes me look like I'm guilty.

Mac:All we need to do is get his name, and then I can rat on him.

Luther:Do not be a rat! Stop... trying... to handle it, or I... am going to have to handle you, okay?

Do not be a rat!

Stop... trying... to handle it, or I... am going to have to handle you, okay?

Charlie:Luther MacDonald visited by... Bonnie Kelly? Holy shit! Well, that's the same name as my mom.

Mac:It is your mom.

Mac:Nah. I'm sure there's plenty of Bonnie Kellys. You know, they probably all sign their name with those weird, squiggly lines, and... Cursive? Are-are you talking about cursive, dude? Uh... cursing?

Bill:Hey, you guys see this? It was another ferry that ran into the power plant. Copycat crime. Hilarious, right?

Dennis:No! No. There are black and white areas in life, Bill, and that's a... that's a black area.

Dennis:Okay, so, uh, I like a good mani-pedi. You know, you get your... you get your nail beds clean, you get your cuticles pushed back, right? You get your hangnails all trimmed up... by one of those nice ladies over there. You know, a lot of those are sex workers.

Frank:They're trafficked in. Usually in shipping containers. I mean, they're, like, crammed in there, you know, like-like sardines, shipped with sardines sometimes. It's ugly, but the point is, those ladies doing your nails probably tugged a guy off right before you.

Dee:The, uh, sex workers use fruit during the act.

Frank:What? Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus masks the taste of a dirty penis. In fact, 95% of fruit has usually been in someone's orifice before it even reaches the market.

Frank:at night, a ride around town in a limousine, partying, having a good time. When I'm on my way home, I'll pass a bum. I take a balloon with some champagne in it, lob it out and bean him. He only gets a little bit in his mouth. Not even a full sip of it. And you say, 'Hey, how do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of shit?'

Dennis:All right, this is depressing as shit. I'm not doing this anymore. In fact, I'm starting to think that his family was right. You guys, what if we took out a life insurance policy on the guy? I mean, if he's gonna do it anyway, we might as well make a little money off of it.

Dennis:Okay, I say we embrace the gray area of life, okay, because what we're doing is not working. What, the State can murder somebody without them even wanting to die but a grown man can't kill himself if he wants to? A man should be able to end his life if he wants... He's a grown American man. We're American.

Mac:He was staying here for a few months.

Bonnie:He was here for a few months?

Mac:Mom, why wouldn't you tell me that?

Bonnie:They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.

Mac:Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?!

Bonnie:Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.

Mac:Tell us less. Tell us less.

Bonnie:Then they both 'completed' on each other.

Mac:I-I was left out of the finale.

Charlie's Mom:They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.

Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.

Mac:Jesus goddamn Christ, Mom. If you know that, just say that. Don't tell me the whole thing about banging every single guy that comes in the house. If you just know about-about the murder, just say the murder part! Oh, my God!

Mac:That my father was trying to establish dominance, and that's the only reason he was in his butt or... What are you tal... Why are you focused on that?

Charlie:Well, it's about power.

Mac:We have our guy now. I feel like we should make that known, that it's about power, okay?

Mac:Yeah, it's gonna look really bad if I rat on this man Eduardo Sanchez, so I can't say his name.

Dennis:Uh... You just did. You just ratted him out. You said his name.

Mac:He may or may not have been a power bottom. The bottom line is he talked his lover into doing the murder for him. Not his lover, his prison bitch.

Hey, what if I confess? Hmm? What? Yeah, I could take my own life while saving your dad's. Everybody wins.

Dennis:if you were to do that-- and I don't want to be crass or, you know-- but how would that affect, uh, the...

Frank:Oh, we still get the money.

Dennis:Yeah?

Frank:I bought the most expensive policy I could.

Dennis:Great. Let's go confess, baby!

Charlie:I can't... I'm sorry. I just... I don't get how it's dominant if they finished on each other. How is that dominant?

Mac:It's dominant because he finished first. Then he allowed Eduardo to finish.

Charlie:No, you're making that up. You don't know that.

Bill:I kept reading this shirt. Yeah. Yeah, I started thinking, 'You know what, life is happy. I want to live!'

Bill:Eduardo Sanchez. That guy you were talking about? Turns out he's some big gang member that they've been after for years. Yeah, your dad's innocent.

Mac:Holy shit, my dad's gonna get off. That means I'm a hero! I did it!

Mac:Dad, Dad, we did it. We did it! Yeah, we did it! They're gonna nail this Eduardo Sanchez guy and you're gonna walk free. I saved you.

Luther:Saved me? You buried me. Now everyone in here thinks I'm a rat. They're gonna kill me in here. Because of you.

Mac:I'm-I'm sorry. I still love you.

Luther:I don't.

Charlie:He definitely heard you. You know, he can... he can hear you. He didn't mean that, though. He was just upset.