McPoyle vs. Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century

Frank:He's the best lawyer you can afford.

Charlie:I'm well-versed in bird law.

Frank:I got to have the drugs here to keep him clean.

Mac:Don't leave me out. Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing.

Dennis:The woman has gone almost full cat.

big hands over his hands

What's the Jew lawyer doing here?

someone named Doc McPoyle attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye

Lawyer:Are those fake hands?

Uncle Jack:No.

Lawyer:Are those fake hands?

Charlie:Did you see his hands? They're beautiful.

Court clerk:Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form of a one-time payment to the sum of... $200.

Uncle Jack:I do estate law, and this is my first actual trial.

Charlie:background in bird law... and a big fan of black judges, too.

Charlie:Are you gonna bang the, uh... the-the hammer?

Terrible people who ruin lives. Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage, ruined my first, now my second one is teetering.

Lawyer:I'm gonna sit down. I'm done. They just do this to me, okay?

Uncle Jack:One: Liam McPoyle has a history of lying. Two: My client is a loving family man. And three: He is innocent.

Dee:My memory was clouded by rage, and so I misremembered the incident.

Uncle Jack:For example, you remember me, possibly, as a man with small hands.

Uncle Jack:My hands tell a story of greatness.

Judge Melvoy:Are you just gonna talk about your hands for a while?

One of his prostitutes, right.

made of... muskrat?

Dee:Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me, Bill?

Dee:Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it.

Mac:Every good case needs a bombshell. Oh, Jesus Christ, and, without it, you're screwed.

Mac:What bombshell? You guys don't have a bombshell? Oh, my God.

Mac:I'll find one for you. I'm gonna do, like, a hero cop, Mark Fuhrman thing... and then sort of transition into a Kato Kaelin.

Dee:Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish.

Maureen:Meow. Mmm.

Maureen:As I transition from woman to cat, I must insist on being referred to as a cat.

Maureen:(hisses)

Judge Melvoy:If the witness wants to consider herself a cat, I will allow it.

Frank:I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car. He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam.

Frank:I had him in the trunk of the car, on account of I didn't want to sit with him 'cause he's gross.

Frank:I'm gonna kill Maureen Ponderosa.

Uncle Jack:Nobody look! Nobody look! Nobody look!

Lion McPoyle:I'm not Ryan. What? You're not? No. I'm Lion. Like the animal. Lion McPoyle.

Lion McPoyle:Because you said 'his brother' and threw your big fake hand at me.

Lion McPoyle:Oh, yeah. I know. He totally did it.

Mac:I recently found out some very interesting information.

Mac:Ryan McPoyle only drinks mother's milk!

Mac:I did it. I did it, black judge. I did it.

I'm curious how she told you, because Margaret is a mute.

Mac:Well, guess what, smart guy, I had her write it down.

'Mother' is the name of the McPoyle family cow.

Mac:That mute bitch lied to me for sex.

Dee:Abramowitz! Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz.

Dee:This dirty liar is a Jew... ish man.

Uncle Jack:As the great Johnnie Cochran once said, if the glove doesn't fit, give up.

Uncle Jack:if the glove doesn't fit, give up.

Frank:Your son is your dealer?

Charlie:You'll notice its trademark unibrow, highly uncommon in most aviary circles.

Charlie:I'm just the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.

Charlie:birds don't drink milk.

Pappy McPoyle:I have seen... raccoons and oysters dancing... in the head of a pin with the angels.

(squawk)

Professor Meir:I can't converse with... with a bird.

Dennis:Here, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty.

Dennis:you refuse to rule on me having to pay alimony to this cat.

Pappy McPoyle:Fly, my pet! Fly! Bring me their eyes!

Charlie:He's throwing it out! That means we win! That means we won!

Court clerk:We have Morgan State Delivery v. the proprietors of one Paddy's Pub.

Oh! That's us.

Judge Melvoy:Oh, hell no! Uh-uh. Uh-uh!