Charlie Catches a Leprechaun

Frank:I slept 26 hours last night.

Charlie:he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere, and he diddled them.

Frank:He drove the kids out of Ireland. And then he molested 'em.

Frank:I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

Charlie:I'm, like, this close.

Charlie:I don't even know if I've set up my glue traps for him yet.

Frank:Top o' the morning, you filthy lads. I'm fixing to have a whale of a time in this here mobile pub.

Frank:Frank's 'Crazy Paddy' Irish stereotype character

Frank:I brought my piece in case anybody gets out of line.

Charlie:'Cause beer's not a food. When was the last time you ate a beer?

Mac:When was the last time you drank paint?

Charlie:It's not bad.

Customer:Is this, like, a car service thing?

Dennis:No, it's not a goddamn car service. Why does everyone...

Dee:You get in that wagon right now or I'm gonna sock you a good one right in the kisser!

Customer:Oh, wait, so is this, like, a bang bus?

Dee:This is like all foam.

Frank:Dee, you goddamn bitch!

Customers trying to call cops, gang confiscating phones

Frank:We just drove the snakes out of Philly, the way St. Patrick did.

Dennis:So, what you're saying is, technically, we gave those guys a very authentic St. Paddy's Day experience.

Mac:Irish honor system... It's an ancient Irish tradition. Know your history, bro.

Charlie:I captured a leprechaun, okay? You wouldn't say, 'I kidnapped Bigfoot,' right? You'd say, 'I captured Bigfoot.'

Charlie:'Cause the basement door was locked, so unless he's a being who's unrestrained by the laws of the physical world, he's not getting down here, man.

Mac:Are you now or have you ever been a leprechaun?

Victim:No, I'm not a goddamn leprechaun! Please...

Mac:You made a wish, which the leprechaun clearly granted.

Charlie:I wish I could live forever? What are you doing?!

Mac:I wish you don't.

Dennis:I can't tell if you're doing a thing now, or if this is just who you've become.

Dennis:Well, if you don't comply with me, then you're gonna end up on the weird one, okay?

Charlie:Aw, what's the point, dude? There's no water pressure. I feel like I'm giving him a baby bath.

Charlie:He probably killed it with his leprechaun magic, anyway.

Victim:Okay, fine, you got me. I'm a leprechaun... I live in a faraway land, and I was transported here by a giant magical rainbow.

Victim:And you never got me Lucky Charms.

Charlie & Mac:(laughing) Oh! That's it! You caught a leprechaun!

Mac:Dude, he's talking about that gay bar down on Locust Street-- the Rainbow.

Mac:Right. I'm gonna go check it out, alone... you'll be here, alone.

Dennis:The business model's flawless. If you knew how to drive and you knew how to serve a goddamn beer, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Frank:That bitch was dragging us down.

Dennis:Yeah. She was driving me crazy, man.

Dennis:Oh, shit. She didn't put the gas cap on.

Frank:Oh, is it open for real?

Frank:It ain't a metaphor. I fell asleep, crashed into a wall, the engine burst into flames, and I had to drive it into a river.

Charlie:Well, you may be a man. You may be a leprechaun. But only one thing's for sure: you're in the wrong basement.

Charlie:(chuckles) No, I've tied a leprechaun to a chair, and, uh, yeah, I was gonna cut him to pieces.

Charlie:like, 'I'm a pickpocket. I'm a pickpocket. Stop hurting me. I'm not a leprechaun.' And I just thought that was, like, a metaphor for, you know, 'I-I am a leprechaun.'

Charlie:Oh, the luck of the Irish.

Charlie:Oh, shit, that leprechaun just flew up a rainbow!

Mac:Stop drinking paint, Charlie.