Dennis' Double Life

Mac:Dennis lost a bet, and I got to redesign our old apartment. He is gonna flip!

Charlie:we finally get a chance to fire... ...the rocket launcher

Dennis:Are we us? Well, yeah, of course you are.

Mac:I don't want to be me. Can I be someone else?

Dennis:No. You have to be you

Mac:Are you right-handed, or left-handed?

Dennis:That won't come up.

Mac:Well, it could come up.

Dennis:It won't!

Mac:Okay. I'm gonna go with left then.

Dennis:So, this is the hangout spot then, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, these are my friends. Oh, so that must make you Prudence then.

Dee:Yes. Uh-huh. Yes, it does.

Dennis:Yeah. Oh. He is Prudence, and I'm Griffin.

Mac:No, he's Mac!

Mac:And he's left-handed.

Dennis:Yeah.

Mac:Oh.

Dennis:I suppose I didn't know that about you.

Mac:Yeah. No, well, there was really no reason for it to come up.

Dennis:And this is, uh... this is little Brian Junior. Oh. Yeah. He's my son.

Dennis:I picked up Mandy there at an Applebee's. Oh. I was pretending to be an airline pilot who flies out of Philly named Brian LeFevre.

Dennis:Yes, but in this scenario, she's my sister. See, I'm always tweaking things based on the situation.

Mac:Look, as we all know, everything is about emotion with women. Right, Dee?

Dee:What?! Whoa. Whoa. Oh, my God. Whoa!

Mac:maybe we got to close the emotion door for Mandy by telling her that you're gay.

Dennis:Yeah, right, but I already had sex with her. How am I gonna convince her I'm gay?

Mac:Just go with me here. Brian's not above having a one-night stand with a woman, but he's got no room for her emotionally because he's in love with me.

Dennis:With you?

Frank:That plan stinks, because it's always about money with women. That's all there is to it. So I think the best thing to do is to find a guy who's got more money than you, like in that movie, uh, Indecent Proposal.

Dennis:Would you sleep with her for a million dollars?

Frank:No way. It's too much money.

Dee:I've got a great plan, but, uh, I'm thinking that this isn't my problem, and, also, you guys wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said.

Dennis:Good point.

Charlie:I got it. If I just get the waitress pregnant, she's gonna be tied to me for life, so, I got to do that.

Dennis:He's already on to another thing.

Dennis:Surprise! Huh. It looks, uh... Exactly the same.

Mac:I was able to track down versions of our old furniture, and even found replicas of all the knickknacks that burned in the fire.

Dennis:It's bizarre. Bizarre in a good way.

Mac:No.

Dennis:there's really no easy way to say this, but, um, Mac and I aren't just friends. He's actually my, uh... Lover. Partner. Yes, well, we do make love. We don't actually make love...

Mac:He's the power bottom.

Mac:Now he generates a tremendous amount of power... ...from the bottom. Don't sell yourself short. He does.

Dennis:No, no. It's not that I... It's just that we don't have sex.

Mandy:the only thing I can think of better than Junior having one dad is, well, him having two.

Dennis:Ee. Yeah. No. Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

Waitress:All right, Charlie, you got 15 minutes, and it's a dollar a minute starting... now.

Charlie:Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No, we're not doing this. Uh-uh.

Charlie:It's not about sex.

Waitress:Okay, good.

Charlie:It's about having a baby. And I'm gone.

Charlie:All the way to sitting on the beach in Rio de Janeiro. Driving the lane to fame.

Charlie:Look, I know you've always wanted a baby, right? I see you. You poke around the preschools and the playgrounds, and you got that longing look in your eye. Oh, God, that's so creepy.

Charlie:It's not gonna happen for you.

Waitress:Excuse me?

Charlie:Yeah, you ain't gonna have a baby. Check this out. Your life has been on a slow, but steady decline for years.

Charlie:Well... 'cause there is no one better. And... I love you.

Dee:What are you doing, Frank?

Frank:Oh, Charlie's doing a thing at the apartment tonight, so I'm gonna crash here.

Frank:Okay?

Dee:No, get a hotel.

Frank:You know what, do you mind if I take the bed? Because I got a little pinched nerve in my neck. It's driving me crazy.

Dee:Wh... yeah, I mind.

Frank:Don't get all emotional, just do it. I don't want this.

Mac:Maybe we should do it.

Dennis:W-we? We are not a couple, Mac.

Mac:Well, no, we would just keep pretending.

Dennis:I am not gonna pretend to be in a relationship with you for the entirety of my child's life. Are you insane?

Dennis:What is this?

Mac:This is the gym.

Dennis:Uh-huh. And where were you going to sleep?

Mac:Well, I figured since we got so used to sleeping in the same bed at Dee's, that we could just sort of continue that here.

Mac:You want to sleep on the couch... ...together.

Dennis:I'm gonna sleep next to the dildo bike. The Ass-pounder, uh, 4000, is an exercise... bike.

Waitress:That was, um... That was not as bad as I expected.

Charlie:It was amazing.

Waitress:It kind of was.

Charlie:It kind of was amazing.

Waitress:What is this? What are you doing there?

Charlie:This? Oh, this just improves the chances of conception.

Waitress:Of what?

Charlie:Of getting pregnant.

Waitress:Charlie, this... this paint could be full of lead. Are you serious? I can't carry a baby around lead paint.

Charlie:Look, I'm just saying if you want to be a mom, you're gonna have to learn how to control your emotions.

Charlie:It's like one thing to trap a person with a baby, but then when you actually have a baby, then you become trapped.

Charlie:Don't be a whore tonight, Dee, and try and bang me again, okay? Because I got nothing left. I'm spent; I'm really exhausted. Too much sex and too much... stuff. Just don't be a whore, okay?

Dee! Egg! Where is it? Where is it? There's no eggs here. Where are your eggs? Dee, where are your eggs? Dee, eggs! We're looking for your eggs. Where are your eggs? We can't find them!

Dee:You have been stalking that woman for 15 years. Now she's finally showing you some attention, and you don't like it?

Dennis:Do you want to take care of this child for the rest of your life, is that what you want? Or do you want me to get out of this situation that I'm in? I'm gonna smash it!

Frank:I'm gonna offer you $5,000.

Dennis:What are you doing, Frank?

Frank:Look, I'm gonna give you $5,000, we bang, you take the money, you go up, you get on a plane, you fly to wherever the hell it is in the sticks, and, uh, you know, $5,000 goes a long way up there.

Frank:If you need more money, call me up, come back, we bang again. Price goes down 'cause I already had you. But if you want to bring a girlfriend... price goes back up.

Frank:Five grand is a lot of money... is that offer just out on the table?

Mac:I'm not gonna bang you. I don't want to bang you, either, Frank, but I'll power through for five grand.

Frank:Dennis is his sex slave name. He's my gimp.

Dennis:What? No. I... I don't have a sex slave name. I'm not...

Dennis:My name... my name isn't Brian LeFevre. My real name... is Dane Brass. And I hold top secret government information. Okay? They're after me

Dennis:Oh, oh. I've been shot.

Mandy:Well, I didn't hear any gun...

Dennis:Oh, well... yeah, not there it is there. That was the sound of it. Normally you'd... you'd hear it before you see the blood, but, uh, not in this case.

Mac:Not a regular hospital, though, 'cause technically, he's not supposed to exist. A bad guy one.

Frank:Oh, no, I've lost my lover. I'll need a new gimp!

Mandy:You big city folks sure like to complicate things, don't ya?

Brian Jr.:Bye, Dada.

Dennis:I can't do this.

Mac:What are you talking about, bud? The plan worked.

Dennis:No, this... no, this-this is crazy. What are we doing? I can't... I-I can't... I can't do any of this shit anymore.

Dennis:Because I don't want my kid to grow up like I did. With some asshole dad who was never even around.

Frank:You talking about me or Bruce?

Dennis:You!

Dennis:The bar's done.

Well, hang on a second.

Actually, it's not done.

It's not done, no.

We're still in here.

Dennis:Shh, just let me... Don't start talking, I can tell...

Group:We weren't gonna say anything.

Dennis:The pause is too big.

What a shot, man! Oh, my God! Whoa!