A Cricket's Tale

Vendor:You're nothing but a street rat!

Cricket:I may be a street rat, but I still got your bread, bitch.

Cricket:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the suck boy you're looking for. You want my time, you got to pay to spray. That's my motto. That and you cannot finish inside me.

Cricket:You're dying.

Cricket's Dad:What?

Cricket:I figured. You look like hell. Hey, has anyone claimed your organs?

Cricket:It's a seller's market right now.

Cricket:Do I look like a dusthead to you?

Cricket:In fact, I'm the type of gal who makes men's lives better. Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower in that leaky urinal again?

Cricket:Well, that... don't count that. That's not a good example.

Cricket:Eh. While I'm here, I might as well... do a little P to the C to the P.

Cricket:This is nice. I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

Cricket's Dad:No, no. You're not gonna sleep there.

Cricket:Eh, too exposed. No. I-I'll sleep in, uh, maybe the crawlspace or a cupboard.

Cricket:When did I ever burn Dad?

Davy:You stole his identity. Eight times!

Cricket:Well, at least I didn't wet the bed till I was in high school.

Davy:Shut your mouth about that.

Cricket:Whatever, Davy Diapers.

His scalp came off on my fingers.

Cricket:He's the one who stinks, by the way. His shoes smell like rotten eggs.

Belle:You smell his shoes?

Cricket:Yeah. He kicks at me if he catches me sleeping at work.

Belle:I'm Belle. Thus the necklace my mother gave me that I'm currently guilt-wearing.

Cricket:Hey, date!

Belle:Um, I'm sorry. What?

Cricket:Shit. Sorry. Um, haven't done this in a long time.

Cricket:Damn it! How the hell did you guys find me?

Mac:A magician never reveals his tricks, Cricks.

Charlie:Yeah. We did put that pet-tracking device in him.

Cricket:Wait. You did what? Wait. Did you put a chip in...? Did you put a chip in me?!

Mac:All right. Fine. Three dollars.

Dee:Well, you don't go down in negotiation.

Charlie:With Cricket, you do.

Cricket:Are we ready to party tonight?

Cricket's Dad:So am I!

Cricket's Dad:Let's just have a good time and get drunk, huh? Stuff it down with some brown.

Cricket:No, you're not paying me in lemons again.

Frank:You want to get paid in PCP, Cricket?

Ah. I got to say, it's kind of fun being on the other end of it sometimes, huh?

Frank:Lemons.

Cricket:My name is not Cricket, okay? My name is Matthew Mara. I'm a person. A person, by the way, who has a job now.

Dennis:Look, Cricket, I'm sure whatever street mongrel you're dating... she's into lemons, too, so you're good.

Cricket:You guys are the worst.

Mac:He wants the lemons.

Charlie:He needs the lemons for the scurvy.

Cricket:And by the way, my name is not Cricket, okay? My name is Matthew Mara. I'm a person. A person, by the way, who has a job now.

Charlie:He needs the lemons for the scurvy.

Cricket:Look, I am not funny, and I'm sure as shit not cute.

Belle:Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Cricket:Go behind some Dumpster and bang?

Belle:I was kind of talking about that date.

Cricket:I met the most amazing girl. I'm in love. I'm in love!

Davy:Carl Lewis couldn't catch him!

Cricket:I can.

Mr. Sanderson:Did you just do a flip off that truck?

Cricket:Yes, sir. That is how dedicated I am to keeping your business.

Did you just do a flip off that truck?

Cricket:Okay. Well, guess I'm gonna have to cut your heart out then.

Mr. Sanderson:What did you just say?

Cricket:I said I guess I'm gonna have to cut... your heart... out of your body.

Cricket:You see, uh, I'm from the streets. And I'm about to poke you full of holes.

Cricket:I said I guess I'm gonna have to cut... your heart... out of your body.

He'll do it!

Cricket:You see, uh, I'm from the streets. And I'm about to poke you full of holes.

Davy:Sorry I said that about Carl Lewis.

Davy:Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what are you doing?!

Cricket:I'm making out with the woman I love.

Davy:That's Dad's dog. You're making out with my dog!

Cricket:Dog? Oh, shit! Oh, no. Maybe it's time to make a change.

Cricket:Nah, I'm gonna smoke it.

Cricket:Maybe it's time to make a change.

Cricket:Nah, I'm gonna smoke it.

Cricket's Father:You can't go around doing insane shit like kissing dogs.

Cricket's Dad:You got to put all that nonsense behind you once and for all.

Cricket:Hey-o!

Gang:Oh, Cricket!

Cricket:Hey, you guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP?

Smoke up, bud.

Yeah, absolutely, dude.

We don't judge, Cricket, we don't judge.