Old Lady House: A Situation Comedy

Charlie:Yeah, that's the animal my mom fears the most, right? She-she feels trapped inside her own home.

Your mom stopped calling you the day the phone was invented.

Is that, like, a ransom note from Mac's mom?

Is that a hieroglyph of a dog?

Charlie:Yeah, that's the animal my mom fears the most, right? She-she feels trapped inside her own home.

Dennis:Uh, they're not women. They're old. At a certain point a woman goes from being a woman to just being an old person.

Dennis:A man lives and then dies. Why are we having this argument?

Mrs. Mac:I was worried that you were dead.

Mac:Oh, my mom also thought I was dead, and she also loves me very much.

Mrs. Mac:No, I don't.

Mac:Oh, she meant the first part.

Mrs. Mac:I don't give a shit.

Mac:See.

Mac:Do you own all of the questions? Do you own that question?

Charlie:You're gonna steal my question.

Mrs. Mac:I was adjusting my undercarriage, and I accidentally spilled it.

Charlie:We-we could also get some soup.

Oh. You want to sleep. Well, I'll sleep you.

Yeah, he might cave her face in, but he won't. He won't. Yeah, but he's not gonna, you know?

Mac:Why, I oughta bludgeon you with a hammer. But she's not actually gonna do it, you know? It's like how Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners would always say, 'Why, I oughta.' He was threatening to beat his wife.

Mac:It's weird, because the situation really isn't funny, and you add a laugh track...

Charlie:I know, but the laughing tells me that it's funny.

Charlie's Mom:Did you just ash in my tapioca?

Mrs. Mac:Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Mac:Oh, sorry. Fly. Buzz off!

Frank:'Cause I'm so much funnier than these two. Look at them, they're just smashing each other with stuff.

Frank:Mrs. Kelly looks hot on screen.

Frank:There's something about people on TV.

Dennis:Uh, well, the grunty one, physically abuses the shrill one. And the shrill one psychologically abuses the grunty one.

You are a horrible woman, and I can't wait until those cigarettes kill you. And I shall dance on your grave.

Charlie:And having those other people laugh tells me when I should laugh.

Mac:I love that.

Dennis:She's hard-hard on the eyes. Tough on the eyes. / And you know what else? Like, super one-note.

Mac:My mom's got lots of notes. She's a symphony.

Dennis:And she's constantly looking directly into the camera somehow.

Mac:She's repulsive.

Charlie's Mom:God, it's me, Bonnie. I'm so worried about my Charlie boy. Please don't have him be in a ditch somewhere, or squished between two trains, and his body mangled, so if they move the trains, all his guts and bodily fluids and organs spill out.

Charlie:Now I'm thinking about minotaurs. Now I'm thinking about a hoagie sandwich. Now I'm thinking about a glass of water to go with the chips.

Mrs. Mac:(bleep) you!

Mac:That's a joke. That's a joke, we will beep that, I think.

Mac:I can't even.

Mac:Or, That went well.

Mrs. Mac:I'm gonna take a shit.

Charlie:That's not a good catchphrase.

Dee:Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Mac:What are you doing?

Dee:Just the wacky neighbor, swinging by with the usual hijinks. Aga-aga-aga-agoo.

Dee:Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Mac:What are you doing?

Dee:Just the wacky neighbor, swinging by with the usual hijinks.

Dee:Will you look at that? I've got my dumb head stuck in the banister.

Dennis:You can't tell where the jokes are supposed to be.

Mac:Exactly.

Uncle Jack:Just stopping by to pick up that hard drive I accidentally left under the floorboards.

Dennis:Yeah, that creepy pedophile vibe he's got going on is going to be a tough sell. You know, even in Europe.

Dennis:I'm trying to make him likeable by turning him into the romantic lead.

Mac:Romantic lead? They're brother and sister.

Dennis:Yeah, the audience doesn't know that.

Charlie:Well, what if you make him like a, like a spy or something, right? And he's looking for his hard drive, right? Because spies are always looking for hard drives.

Dennis:You're lucky your mom's in the credit sequence at all. Because I'm writing her off. She's terrible.

Mac:You can't kick my mom out. She lives in the goddamn house.

Dennis:Well, I'm gonna cut around her, then.

Frank:Get lost. I'm gonna bang your sister.

Frank:Come on, Bonnie. This boner ain't gonna last forever.

Dennis:Listen, people... it does not matter how you people try to ruin this thing. I will make it work, because I'm a genius.

Mrs. Mac:I don't want to stand here no more. I got to take another dump.

Dennis:Now look at the... plant! Look at the plant. Now look at the globe. Up. Back to the plant.

Mac:Can't cut around her when she's in every shot, can you, Dennis?

Dennis:This disgusting bitch is in every shot?

Frank:Charlie! I only got to third!

Frank:I was sliding into home, Charlie.

Mrs. Kelly:Oh, but this makes me feel so much better. Now that I know that you're watching me.

Charlie's Mom:Now that I know that you're watching me.

Mac:I got to say it: that's the best episode yet. That is!

Mac:I got to say it: that's the best episode yet. That is!

Dennis:It's a classic!

Dennis:I just can't enjoy it when the people who are being filmed know they're being filmed.

Dennis:Show's been canceled, guys.

Mac:What?!

Frank:I got a four-episode sex arc.

Dee:Oh!

What?

Dee:Oh, I... I just shit my pants.

Oh, God!

Dee:I just meant to fart. I didn't... I didn't...

Dennis:Without the laugh track that's, like, really horrible.

Mac:Yeah, you're just a grown woman who shit her pants.

Mac:Without the laugh track that's, like, really horrible.

Dennis:Yeah, you're just a grown woman who shit her pants.

Mac:Now it's funny again.