Wolf Cola: A Public Relations Nightmare

Is doing cocaine every morning your routine, Frank?

Frank:Yeah.

Dennis:Well, somebody's chipper this morning.

Frank:Oh... you guys were there all this time? I didn't see you.

Frank:I'm selling it to the Jews in Boca Raton. They're slurping it up like candy. They're... I'm telling you, they're addicted.

Boca Raton, Frank? Or the official soft drink of Boko Haram?

Frank:Whoops.

Frank:How do you confuse a city in Florida with a terrorist organization in Africa? It's an easy misunderstanding.

It is if you're an elderly cokehead, trying to launder money through a dummy soda corporation.

Dee:My God, there are other fluids?

Mac:Fight Milk?! Fight Milk?!

Charlie:Wait, wait, dude, that's our drink.

Mac:Remember, we designed that for bodyguards, by bodyguards. And it makes total sense because the-the best bodyguards are former UFC fighters. Well, of course. And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards, so bodyguards, UFC fighters, that's like... It's a revolving door.

Frank:Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.

Dee:Go bag? You're gonna go blond?

Frank:Remember when you wanted all the power so you could get the puss? I made you executive vice president of worldwide distribution.

Mac:Shit, but nobody knows that, right? I mean, dude, I only wanted the illusion of power. The-the illusion. I never saw an ounce of puss.

Frank:You're executive vice president of operations.

Dee:Oh. What? Yes. Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this?

Frank:It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.

Dennis:24 hours... This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

Dennis:Yes, bitch.

Dennis:Christ, Mercedes built Nazi tanks, okay? And the Jews are still driving their cars around. Floyd Mayweather beat the shit out of multiple women and he's the highest paid athlete of all time. All right? There's only one thing you can't come back from... banging kids.

Dee:Well, what about the Catholic Church?

Dennis:Hmm. That's a good point. Yeah, no, they did sidestep banging kids pretty masterfully, but they've got billions of dollars at their disposal and we do not, so...

Mac:Time to stop eating your crow and start drinking your crow, everybody.

Mac:Now, I've always been very passionate about dominating other men. Uh-oh. There's nothing like the feeling of another man submitting to your will. Now that's power. Yeah. In a lot of ways, that's love.

What are you talking about?

Okay, he's a bodyguard, though.

Charlie:We're-we're a couple of crow enthusiasts who wanted to take the power and essence of a crow and-and we packed that into a delicious milk drink that we invented, thus Fight Milk.

Cowboy Cerrone:Yeah, man, I'd get up and shake your hands if I wasn't shitting my brains out right now.

Oh, no. No, no, that's fine, yeah.

Makes you expel all body fluids. Sweat, piss, and shit; we got these weigh-ins coming up. Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.

Fighter:Oh, I just puked on my dick! Rock and roll.

Dennis:You want to change... the perception of a global terrorist organization?

Frank:Yeah, and I've got many facts to do it.

Dennis:You see, audiences are gonna trust me over you because you're a woman, and, by definition, shrill.

Dee:No. Women identify with women in power.

Dennis:Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power. I'm threatened by 'em. Everyone is.

Dennis:Now, objectify yourself and humanize me.

Dee:Women identify with women in power.

Dennis:Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power. I'm threatened by 'em. Everyone is.

Dee:And also, we're sorry. We accept full responsibility for this heinous mistake, and please know that I am actively firing people as we speak, because I am the boss. Bitch.

Frank:You know what, Chet, can I say something? I think we've said enough. I think... you got to understand that Boko Haram did not do 9/11. Yeah. That was... al-Qaeda. Paris, that was done by ISIS. Boko Haram is just concentrating, they're doing Africa. I mean... I mean, there's mosquitos down there that are bigger terrorists than Boko Haram.

Frank:Boko Haram did not do 9/11. That was... al-Qaeda. Paris, that was done by ISIS. Boko Haram is just concentrating, they're doing Africa.

Dee:People calling me a bitch, flat-chested bitch, pretty much everybody wanting to rape me.

Dennis:Now social media will come down on you with the fury of a middle-aged man who's accomplished nothing.

Mac:Are you fat? You probably are, 'cause you're watching TV! Or Internet.

Mac:It's easy for us men... we have four acceptable body types. Skinny ripped, jack ripped, dad bod, and fat... if you're funny. It's a landslide! As we all know, women only have one acceptable body type. Skinny, big tits!

Charlie:Aah! No nerds! Fight Milk!

Mac:Really, I mean, between the three of you, we could be opening up a bakery with all the muffin tops I'm seeing.

Mac:No! We're not the diarrhea guys.

Charlie:No!

Mac:That's not what I want to be.

Ring Girl:We're not into your weird diarrhea drink.

Charlie:It's not for women! It was never made for women! But it'd be great if women also drank it. The dream was to create a muscle-up energy drink that gave you the power to fight like a crow!

Mac:Yes! Men! Or women. But yes. But definitely crow-power fighting skills.

Dennis:Well, if you're asking me if I like wild animals slobbering all over me, then, yeah, I guess I'm not really a... not really a dog lover then.

Dennis:I should be able to eat me some fried dog. Know what I'm saying? I should be able to eat a bucket of fried dog at a chicken fight.

Charlie:'cause that's just the crow eggs and some of the crow's fecal matter.

UFC Official:What the hell is going on? Who are these guys?

Mac:Uh, just like to take the opportunity to thank Fight Milk.

Charlie:Yes, and thank you, Cowboy, and thank you, Megan.

Mac:We'd also like to take this opportunity to announce that Fight Milk is now the official drink of the UFC.

Charlie:Official drink.

UFC Official:No, no. This is not the official drink of the UFC. And I don't know who these guys are. Security, get these assholes out of here!

Dennis:Turns out there are two things that can't be forgiven... raping children and disliking dogs.

Mac:We pumped it full of human growth hormone, you know.

Charlie:Yeah.

Mac:I mean, just nothing else was working. It just... it was just giving people diarrhea.

Dennis:If you give it enough time, something new will come along to replace peoples' old outrage with new outrage.

Frank:Goddamn it!

Frank:Start the clock.

Unknown:Yeah.