The Gang Replaces Dee with a Monkey

Frank:I'll tell you what that was about-- menopause.

Frank:Always accusing me of having affairs. Hmm, right. But you were having affairs. Yeah, but it was a headache

Mac:I slept with Dee that one time... but, like, I'm, like, sick of looking at her.

Charlie:Also, there's a smell. There's a smell, yeah. And a lot of women have this

Dennis:Legally, that's called a hostile work environment. We can legally fire her and bring in whichever man we want.

Dennis:A monkey could do Dee's job. A monkey could.

Dee:I've been in character all week, so I'm going to need you to let me cut in line.

Dee:I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes, and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?

Well, uh, not for your acting teacher.

Charlie:Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania? Yes. No, think about that, though, that-that's crazy. Like, two cities in one state?

Charlie:So, that's what Pennsylvania is. Oh, no. Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?

Charlie:Am I constantly going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?

Mac:He wants to go to Fire Island. He wants to go to Greece. He wants to experiment.

Dennis:We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel-- I-- This-this is not easy.

Frank:Frank enters with a monkey as Dee's replacement

Frank:You don't have to pay a monkey shit, so I got a monkey instead.

Frank:Monkey, beer.

Charlie:Are we in Pittsburgh right now? Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

Frank:He used to work in the movies. He comes from a long line of movie monkeys. Rumor has it that he also did a short stint making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

Dennis:That is the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God. Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.

Dee:For starters... I don't have a limp.

Dee:Chain saw, avocado, marlin. What'd I just say?

Student:You. Um... chain saw, avocado, marlin?

Dee:Right! Which is wrong. You just violated the first rule of acting.

Dee:You listened. When you are listening, you are not talking, and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.

Dee:Acting is ignoring. Ignore reality. Ignore your scene partner because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you. And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay? You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?

Dee:Don't ask questions. That shows you don't know something, which makes you look weak.

Charlie:All those cities are in Pennsylvania? Like, you don't want to know how this shit works, man?

Frank:Yeah, because Hollywood decided you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.

Dee:I didn't say that I don't love you.

Then what is it?

Dee:The baby... It's not yours. It's my... my father's!

Bigger.

Dee:My father's!

Louder.

Dee:My father's!

Dee:It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.

Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?

Dennis:'Yell'... 'Yellow'? Just yellow. Just the color yellow?

Charlie:Uh, well, I panicked.

Dennis:'Purple.' That was me.

Frank:Yeah, I did purple.

Dennis:You did purple? Two of you wrote colors?

Frank:Maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.

Mac:Go where?! Purple? That's not a place!

Dee:Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam. I can control you. I can make you feel however I want you to feel, which will help you be a better actor.

Dee:You were terrible.

Kiki:Wait, I-I was?

Dee:No. No. I'm kidding. You were amazing. And you're going to make it. Maybe. I'm not going to tell you right now.

Director:Faster. What? Faster. Slower. Too slow. Don't start over. Stop. Continue.

Gang wakes up covered in scratches and with a horrible taste in their mouths

Dennis:The monkey got us drunk, assaulted us, robbed the bar, and possibly fucked our mouths.

Frank:Apparently, the monkey's grandfather was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey, and you know how these things go. These monkeys are passed down from one Hollywood creep to the next, until, eventually, they wind up under a bridge in Philly getting drunk and pulling scams.

Dennis:'Monkey beer island of green and fight.' That's not a place. This is the ramblings of four men who got very, very drunk last night on a mystery concoction invented by a wild animal.

Frank:That monkey may have been a pervert, but he was also a genius, which is often the case in Hollywood.

Dennis:'Whiskey beer island of green and fight.' That's Ireland.

Dee:This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig. 'Obnoxious American MILF #1'? In your faces.

Charlie:Ooh, wow. Is that poop?