The Gang F***s Up Abbott Elementary

I can't believe these shitheads forgot they were mic'd.

Dennis:How is a school a gold mine?

Frank:Copper piping. Thousands and thousands of yards of it.

Dee:Did you guys know that Black people can't get lice?

Dennis:Dee, that's, like, crazy racist.

Dee:No, no, no. That's just science. It's the lice who are racist.

Janine:Mmm. I need to say a bad word.

Camera crew:It's okay.

Janine:Yeah.

Camera crew:Yeah?

Janine:I'm gonna. It's real bad.

Camera crew:How much of a total fucking cunt she was.

I thought you was gonna call her a bitch.

No. I didn't feel that was strong enough.

Bitch can be a very fine dog. That is not what this woman is.

Mac:You. You.

Dennis:You.

Mac:No, you.

Dennis:It's definitely you.

Mac:Right now. One, two, three. You.

Dee:I'll steal her man. I'll expose her for the dud she is. What do you think? Let's work together.

Mac:Hey, dude. Pfft. This place is the worst, man. They're, like, totally, like, trying to teach me to read and stuff.

Charlie:I'm like Walter White over here.

Frank:Yeah. I bought a racoon in to keep that janitor busy.

Teacher:Are you pissing in that locker?

Charlie:Oh, it's the coffee. I drank so much coffee.

Mac:It goes right through you, yeah.

Mac:I think white people aren't supposed to help Black people anymore. Right?

Dennis:No. That's a misunderstanding.

Mac:St. Joe's is predominantly white teams, so we're helping the basketball team. We're helping a white school, so it's fine.

Dennis:St. Joe's is predominantly white teams, so we're helping the basketball team. We're helping a white school, so it's fine.

Dennis:What's it gonna take to convince you to leave a place like this and come with us? We may have access to a Lexus if you wanna joyride.

Mac:You like joyriding?

Dennis:Vroom, vroom.

Mac:Don't think we didn't try. He's trash.

Jacob:A basketball recruit? Oh, thank God. My mind was going to terrible places.

The kids don't know anything about it, man.

They don't know what it is.

I heard a couple of 'em joking, and they were sharing funny, like, Internet memes. And they were, like, 'Oh, yeah. Oh, that? I know that Internet joke thing.'

Charlie:It's 9/11, man.

What-What-What?

What about 9/11?

Charlie:The kids don't know anything about it, man.

Mac:Golf's not for sale, dude. The purest sport in the history of humanity? What's next, football?

Dennis:What's next, football?

Frank:The purest sport in the history of humanity? What happened to 'never forget'?

I mean, steel would not melt at that temperature.

You try it.

A missile sent by our own government is probably what it was.

I'm starting to think there wasn't even towers, dude.

Has anybody seen the towers? With your own eyes, not a picture.

They control the weather.

Yeah. With frogs. I saw that.

They shoot frogs up there?

They're throwing tornadoes at Florida.

Yeah. It creates a super storm.

The oranges. There's too many oranges.

Mac:My main concern is he's coming off like kind of a nerd. You know we've already got our nerd. - We need a bad boy.

Dennis:Hey, Steven, would you say you're a bad boy?

Steven:I don't know.

Dennis:You don't know? I feel like a bad boy would know if he was bad, right?

We got the ugly one that people feel sorry for, but we...

He's so ugly too. But he is uglier than...

Maybe too ugly.

Mac:Because the bad boy makes the sexual component less weird.

Ava:Shit. I might frame 'em for another crime just to get their hours up.

Dee:I let that bitch kick my ass so that I could look like a victim. You think I couldn't kick her... She's tiny. I could destroy her. I'd rip her hair out. I'd rip this whole school bald if I wanted to.

Janine:I'm so sorry. I saw a mosquito.

Dennis:On the subject of Billy Joel with the scale being, one: 'I can't stand his music' to ten: 'I think he's the single greatest musician in the history of sound,' where do you place the man?

Melissa:Negative five.

Dennis:Negative five.

Melissa:But you know who is a massive fan?

Dennis:A hundred fifty. A million ten. Infinity.

♪ Price of copper Is on the rise ♪

Mac:You're telling me that an entire building is gonna melt to the ground but we can't even melt the bench?

Charlie:Oh! Oh, shit. It's going up the wall.

Teacher:Will you excuse us for a moment? We're gonna need a... We're just gonna need a minute.

Dennis:Is it to go listen to their version?

Teacher:No.

Dennis:Well then, no this is Billy Joel's song.

Janine:No, no. The band Fall Out Boy, they already did an update...

Dennis:Like, of this song. Changed all the lyrics and...

Charlie:Who's Fall Out Boy?

Dennis:Son of a bitch! Every goddamn time we try a single thing this goddamn Fall Out Boy!

Charlie:Always a step ahead of us! Fuckers!

Mac:Plus the eyeliner! That was my look.

Dennis:It was your look, Mac! That has been your look!

Ava:It reminded me of that verse on DMX's 'What You Want.' 'There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia.' I wasn't mad at it. It was a bop.

Chardonnay, please.

Gosh, we don't have a bottle already open.

Heineken.

Well, no imports though.

Jesus Christ. How about an iced tea?

I think we have ice.

Nope. You don't have ice.

We're off water altogether.

Dennis:You blindsided us with your heart

Janine:He must've ripped out about a hundred feet of copper. But on the bright side, the state was gonna make us move out some old pipes, so actually he saved us a few grand in construction costs.

Janine:I'm gonna lose my job if anyone sees this, so burn those tapes.