Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

Hey-o! What is up, bitches?

So that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.

Computers are for losers.

You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning.

Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.

This is bullshit! You guys have two dads, and I don't even have one.

Yeah! That is bullshit! We don't even have one.

Yeah. But he's in prison. He's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

That does count! I never met my father!

Is it any more ridiculous than our dad having brown eyes, black hair and being 4'10"?

You two aren't banging, are you?

Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it. Trust me.

because I don't want no... grandkids.

Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?

Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis.

I am not banging my sister!

Your turkey neck is looking exceptionally attractive this evening.

You have turned into a retarded person. / You're a retard.

Can we use some adult language, just for a couple minutes?

There's a chance this guy could be our father? / No. Yes, he is your father.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?

Children, would you like to have been aborted?

You whore!

that my horrible, whore wife has tricked me into raising two bastards for 30 years, and I'm being asked to not make a scene!

Whoa! Oh, excuse me? Oh, did you bang my wife? Huh?

Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my whore wife that I should know about?

Jesus, Frank! My life is a lie! My life is a lie!

Somebody's got to get stabbed! Somebody's got to get sta...

What do you guys know about smuggling heroin through your anus?

What's with the gun, dude? / I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.

I don't want to be his friend. I want to shoot him in the face.

This is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected.

This is our chance to get hard. / I want to get very, very hard.

Do you want to shove heroin into your ass? / I don't want to shove anything in my ass.

This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not shove anything into our asses!

Oops.

Hello. Those are your brothers and sisters.

No. We'll do that later. We'll do that later because it's... it's hard to remember.

No, no. I was kidding. / It was just a joke, I think.

What about you? What are your passions? / There's been a lot of... / Oh, so many things we do. / Phases.

A lot of... These guys. / These guys are important to us.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I got you. I got this guy Tom. And that crazy woman who claims we had a one-night stand 30 years ago.

Tom doesn't really count though. He kind of, like, comes with it.

This bastard destroyed my lineage. He must be smashed.

Now he doesn't mind sifting through the feces, so don't hold back.

Oh, we are getting so hard. It's, like... Whew!

then we promise we will come back with our butts filled. / Oh, so filled. So filled for you.

Do not come back here without anything up those asses!

Are you kidding me? I swear, Charlie, you're, like, a retard.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna bash him with the bat when he comes out. / Are you kidding me? I swear, Charlie, you're, like, a retard.

You want to huff some of this glue with me? / This is Elmer's glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!

When he comes out, I'm gonna smash his face. You're gonna take a picture. We're gonna show it to my dad to prove how hard we are!

So did you. / How is that different? / I don't know, Charlie! Focus!

Can I help you? / Can I help you? / Can I help you?

What the hell was that shit? What did you do? / I freaked out.

Blood! Blood! There's so much blood! / We bashed him good! / I think we killed him.

We went to this lupus event last night. Lupus is awesome! / Amazing.

I guess it never came up.

It hurts everywhere. / Well... Everything's gonna be okay. / You don't know that, Deandra.

What if he doesn't get better? You're gonna look like a fool. / The kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?

I can hear you.

We were talking about your sick and dying friend in the next bed.

You can't steal the children's medication. / I'm not. / Let me see in your purse!

Who are we really helping? / Well, listen, it's one thing to rock out, raise some cash. But it's a totally different thing to put our lives at risk.

Brucie, do you know a nice restaurant in the area?

Who is he? Patch Adams?

It's gonna be that big? / Absolutely. You ready? Drop those pants.

So I contacted that woman on MySpace who claimed that we had a one-night stand.

Don't Daddy me. You blew your chances with this daddy. You're dead to me.

I'm not into being your dad anymore. Don't want to be your dad.

Dad?