Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare

My dad's a meth dealer. - Oh, oh, no! - My daddy's in prison! - My daddy used to give hot shots to prostitutes.

Feel sorry for me! I got the grout.

Later, bitches

Signing us up for unemployment benefits

Well, I guess I could use this time to get my acting career off the ground.

The old Dennis would have said, 'Dee, your sad little acting ship sailed a decade ago. It's pathetic.' But the new Dennis says that it's not my place to kill your pipe dreams.

400 a week. That's more than we made at the bar.

Goddamn it! Why can you not lift your end? I don't know, dude. Let me figure out what is happening.

Of course I'm lifting with my back. I think your end is lighter. The balls have rolled down to this end.

Look at me. I'm broken, dude. Look, I'm...

Oh, living the dream, bro. Living the dream

I'm gonna be a veterinarian. And I am gonna move to New York, and I'm gonna be on Broadway.

What? It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and you're piss-ass drunk.

Well, it's a slow process, man. It takes a little time. But we trust the system

Is that a new watch, dude? It is. It's awesome. And I got a Jesus chain.

Once it runs out, we're gonna go on welfare, dude.

Once it runs out, we're gonna go on welfare, dude

You want to play this game? We gonna play this game now?

Right, right. So what's the vig? The vig? Yeah, man. You know, what's... what's the vig on this action here? Do you even know what 'vig' means?

We hire a couple people, pay them nothing, and get them to do all of our work for us! We pay them nothing! That's incredible!

Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one! / It's the name of almost every game / Because we understand the plight of the worker

I'm good. Go get us some slaves.

There have been slaves of many different races. There's been Jewish slaves. I mean, uh, Italian, uh...

I'm not saying that because he's black. He's asleep in his chair.

That's like reverse affirmative action, dude. You could cheat yourself out of a good slave here.

Like weight, power... Something to just 'expediate' the whole process.

Drug addicts, mentally disabled, people with dependents... that sort of thing / Mac, we've got it covered, okay? Dee, your bicycle helmet

That is an awesome helmet.

Hi. Um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Well, can't you see how retarded she is?

Oh, they want to play rough? We can play rough. Let's go buy some crack.

Uh, one rock of crack. One crack... A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? How much would you recommend for a first-time user?

One crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? / How much would you recommend for a first-time user?

That should be about 200. Thanks for being so kind. And patient.

This one. It's got to be that guy. Don't say 'this one.'

I'm gonna get nice and drunk, play some video games until my eyes bleed / Me too. I want to play Charlie

The three of us go outside, throw the pigskin around, play some two-hand touch. I'll teach you how to play. I already know how to play. Not properly though.

Frank's been hiding all of his money in my account. Uh, it's got something to do with the vig. What's a vig?

Here's some for you! Here's some for you! And here's some for you!

It's 4:00. I'm freezing and I'm sweating all at once. I think I may have peed in my pants.

We missed our appointment by an hour and a day

It was yesterday. We missed our appointment by an hour and a day.

Dennis, when you become a veterinarian, will you buy me some new head shots? Hey! Hey, get out of here, you piece of shit! Yeah, I'll buy you stuff.

I'm definitely gonna buy a bunch of crack.

Holding... Do you have any money? Please? I just need a little bit of money.

You work hard, you don't drink... How'd you end up on welfare?

Well, it's a vicious cycle, Mr. Frank. One cannot support a family on a minimum-wage position.

We got a big problem here, buddy / The services have already been rendered. We gotta pay these girls / I'm calling Hector / Don't call Hector or Wallace or any other large pimp

Did somebody get addicted to crack? I sweat uncontrollably! I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

I sweat uncontrollably! / I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

Slaves are gone. They were bringing me down. Plus, you know they don't drink?

This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management. That's why I did it.

You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief. But how come Charlie? Not fair.

Why would you do this to us, Dad? / Because you are crackheads, children

Because you are crackheads, children. Yeah. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack.