Mac Is a Serial Killer

Describing an episode of Law and Order in full detail is not a story.

You want to be a lawyer? Don't you think you should know how to read or write?

Objection. Hearsay. That's lawyer talk. That's the kind of stuff you have to do.

Why? What are you worried about? You don't fit the description.

You're like a female Larry Bird. There's too much of you.

He would never finish the job. He'd get the job done. He'd spend his whole night hacking and sawing.

How many people have I murdered tonight? How is this just one person?

That's okay, 'cause Larry Bird's an excellent player. He's an awesome player.

What's up, bitches? Hey yo!

These are different clothes. Where'd you get those scratches on your neck?

Serial killing.

You can't just torture someone 'cause you think they're guilty. Oh, don't give me that liberal bullshit.

He's not smart enough. He's a dumb person. And dumb people are not capable of serial killing.

Let's carve our best friend to pieces with a chain saw based on a hunch.

Sorry, Larry Bird.

I forgot about this thing that I gotta do, take care of. I was thinking about it in the bathroom.

Because of your... Oh, God. Situation down there.

You mean my penis? Well, you don't have to say it out loud.

But then things start to get hot and heavy and you scratch me. Which is cool. But you're really strong, and it hurts.

And sometimes... just sometimes... I bump up against it.

Hold it closer to your face and look really crazy. Like I'm killing somebody?

Put your tongue closer to the blade.

You do not fit the profile. I fit the profile, Dennis!

I have a down jacket on, a wool blanket. It's a very toasty situation I got back here.

What's the decorating motif of this place... prison cell?

You think I want some Jew lawyer crawling up my ass in six months?

Objection. Extremely racist, man.

And Bingo was his nameo

I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal.

Damn, girl. Who you with?

Maybe if you get up off that crack rock, you can come and be Pepper Jacks best ho.

But that stuff, you gotta be careful because it'll mess you. Why are you asking? Do you have some on you?

No. Well, technically, we drove here together. But I'm not with anybody.

Pepper Jack trying to conduct some business here too. You with this cracker?

Do Pepper Jack look like he playing? I don't think Pepper Jacks playing.

Is that Fraggle Rock? Yeah. Oh, Pepper Jack love Fraggle Rock.

We need to find somebody who we would want to kill. Here you go, Dee.

And shithead. Hope you burn your tongue.

But it's like a drug. I just get wrapped up in the moment and boom, it just happens.

Well, that's good. She won't be a problem. She ain't gonna tell anybody.

Deny, deny, deny, deny. You just deny it. Deny it to the end. If you deny something, it means it never happened.

And then I do some moves. What the hell does that have anything to do with what we're talking about?

My neighbor Gary works here. He is desperately in love with me.

Who's your guy? Psycho clown.

These shears, they do cut through bone, yes? Uh, yeah. I guess.

Oh, man. That guy's a pussy. Yeah, spineless.

Move to strike. Wait a minute. What are you talking about? Ask her fair questions!

You think your son's out there killing people? Yeah.

John Wayne Gacy? He was a psycho clown. He was an excellent one. Did good work.

Oh, shit. That's a bummer. Yeah, you're right.

if you hadn't been squeaking around like a goddamn psycho clown... she never would've noticed us.

I know who the killer is. You do? Yes. Oh, my God. Dee, the real serial killer is Mac. That's what I just said.

Are you shitting me? Now, Dee, can you do a girl's voice?

I'm not ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of myself.

When did you start hearing voices? That could actually help us.

Uh, more ripped. Strike that. Jacked. Irrelevant. Toned. Exaggeration. I work out. I'll allow it.

Because drawing a confession out of someone... is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chain saw.

Ooh, not really into the whole condom thing.

Oh. Why hello, Mac. Not so young and attractive, is she?

I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out.

What? Ew. Oh. I don't even know how that works. It's complicated. There's a lot... She tapes it back.

It's complicated. There's a lot... She tapes it back.

No. There's a bunch of severed heads in there. What? There's about 15 severed heads in there, I'd say.

What are you people doing in my apartment?