America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest

Who spent $500 for laser hair removal? Right over here, slick. Don't want to have hair down there. You know what I'm saying?

Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword? Your head of security. Yeah. Just wait till he saves your life one day with it.

I'm going to put them on YouTube. That way, I can get discovered by, like, a casting director or a producer, get some kind of a TV development deal.

we write on the billboard 'We have two-for-one drink specials on Thursdays.' And, on the bottom, you have a hilarious picture of Green Man kicking someone in the nuts.

It is really astonishing how bad your idea is. Go sit down. The adults are working.

It's Advertising 101: long legs, taut breasts and tight poopers.

I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard, and then you guys would talk about how ugly you think I am, and compare me to some sort of giant bird. You look so much like a bird. Dennis, I was thinking fish recently.

Dennis, I was thinking fish recently. / Really? / Yeah. Her eyes are so far apart, they're like they're on...

S you in your As, don't wear Cs, and J all over your Bs.

Why would he not want a C...? I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro

two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.

Don't flatter yourself. You're not going to be up there because I'm going to be the face of Paddy's Bar.

You're... ugly. What? Ugly? I'm ugly? With that anteater nose, you're telling me I'm ugly.

My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David.

You, on the other hand, well... you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone.

Good morning, Philadelphia! I'm Crazy Paddy, and I'm coming to you from Paddy's Pub

That's not what YouTube videos are like. That's like a bad late-night commercial you'd see, like, on the cable network

Charlie hits Dee in the face with volleyball during her commercial

People getting injured or seriously hurt-- that's funny!

You ever see those girls mashing the grapes, and then slips and she's, like...? / Why did you do that, Charlie? / That's what YouTube video is. That's funny?

I can't concentrate when I'm about to get blasted in the face with a ball. I'll blast you all over if you flinch again.

Bro, can you believe how many hot chicks showed up for a casting call for a billboard? How have we not done this before?

Dennis Reynolds, 40 feet tall and shirtless. It's going to be so perfect!

I went on a stud hunt. I came back with beefcake.

I don't think he has a point. I'm a stallion.

2003 Dennis, okay, he was Grade-A prime beefcake. No one is disputing that. He was a stallion. But 2008 Dennis is in decline.

I bet if you pop those pants off, you're gonna find a bird that just won't quit either. I think the problem here is that your body quit. Your bird quit.

Attention, ladies, I'm gonna need all the A cups to please head for the back door.

Her name's Martina Martinez, and she is a streetwise Puerto Rican girl who's always quick with a sassy comeback.

Youse a bunch of white boys, right? When you be in the clubs and you be dancing, why you look so stupid?

What's the pay? The pay, sir, is getting your face 40 feet up on a billboard. So there's no pay then?

Competitions like this aren't about money. They're about fame. They are about putting yourself on display to the world and saying, 'I'm good enough because I beat everyone else'

The first competition is the underwear competition. Boom!

You kept hitting me over and over in the same spot with a volleyball. And I was explicitly clear: no more Green Man.

You're nothing without Green Man.

Hey, diary. It's me. It's Thursday, September 30th about midnight. I'm alone, of course, again. And I just had a little bit too much ice cream.

You get a whole bunch of them together, you make them compete over you, bing-bang-boom, soulmate.

What the hell, bro? Is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit. It is shit. This is a barnyard.

What the hell, bro? Is this supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit. / It is shit. This is a barnyard.

Rex, are you kidding me? Seriously, are you just gonna step right in it? I want to win, bro. Billboard.

okay. This is Taiwan Tammy. She on runway and do a drag queen in nails.

Are you kidding me? That is extremely racist. / Isn't it awesome? I'm so excited about this one.

This is Taiwan Tammy. She on runway and do a drag queen in nails.

Goddamn it! I knew it! Charlie, what are you doing? I said no Green Man!

Yeah, you that, that girl, PatheticGirl43. I almost didn't recognize you in that getup, but I recognize that whiny voice anywhere.

In other news, it seems like I have a rash in a place where a sexually active person should have a rash.

Oh, my God, you put that on YouTube? 80,000 hits. That's huge!

Anya, so they are in fact, double Ds. That's great news. Why should I pick you over the other girls? I'm willing to do anything in order to win.

I'm willing to do anything in order to win. / You're talking about banging me, right? / Maybe. / If you say yes... / Yes.

I feel like there's vibing happening right now. Yeah. I feel like we're completing each other's... sentences. I was gonna say sentences!

Rex, that is a sexy jaguar. I mean, that jaguar is fierce! I've never been turned on by a jaguar before.

Dennis, your mule is shit. I'm no longer turned on by mules. You gave Rex jaguar! There aren't jaguars in barns.

Jesus Christ, Frank. I got burns! Nobody's gonna throw detergent in my eyeballs on a runway, Frank!

Jesus, Rex, I didn't tell you to start eating yet. That doesn't disqualify me, does it?

Listen, today was the worst day ever. I had an audition, and I didn't get the part, which is really, really strange for me.

PatheticGirl43 here coming to you live with Philadelphia's next hot model Dennis Reynolds. Dennis, tell us what it's like to be so handsome.

Well, I like to think I've been this handsome since birth, possibly even earlier.

Rochelle, you taught me about love, respect, inner beauty. Dominique, you banged me, like, right away. Tabitha, you did the same. But most importantly, you banged each other. And you let me watch.

What? I had two of them. I had another one here. I tricked you. I got both of you guys.

A top of the morning to both of you! I had two of them. I had another one here. I tricked you.

You just said that I taught you about inner beauty and respect. Yeah, but this whole thing's about banging, and you didn't bang me, so... You're a dick!

It's a YouTube video that me, Dee and Charlie just made that's gonna get a million hits. So guess what, pal. Don't need your billboard. I'm going viral.

I put it up right after you called me ugly. There's no billboard? Oh, yeah, sorry about that, Rex.